amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 My use of the terms accentuated and concealed weren't limited to how much of your body you show, but how much of yourself you show...and it's what I'm getting at...if you show too much, people might characterize you in an undesirable or inaccurate way, but if you cover yourself up, they might not be interested enough to even bother characterizing you... Hmmm...I don't really give it much thought. I just be myself unless I get interested in someone then I'm just more vocal. That usually gives them a little insight into me. And if I'm really interested I let them talk about them.
phineas Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I dress like in my avatar. Nothing too tight but a more athletic cut/ v tapered shirt. You can tell I lift weights & I don't have to cut myself out of the shirt at the end of the night. When I was younger cleavage got my attention. It still does but I can tell if a woman has a nice body or not without her wearing revealing clothes. At my age all it takes is a jaw-line to get my attention. If a woman has a jaw-line it's almost certain everything else will fall into place.
RedRobin Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 (edited) So I was kind of discussing something with () when I started wondering, does modesty prevent you from getting noticed...? It's good to always put your best foot forward and make the best first impression, but does being unassuming in your demeanor, appearance, behaviors, etc. help or hurt you in the long run? Modesty is often seen as a desirable trait, but can it be a bad thing? The example that came to mind was Ryan Gosling's character in the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Aside from his incredible fashion sense, the guy has a pretty stellar physique. However, he kept the "goods" hidden underneath the suits, so women would never know what he was working with until the clothes came off... Now compare this to the Jersey Shore doucher wearing his schmedium tanktops...he will certainly get noticed for his physique more... Similarly, for the females, do modest clothing choices help or hurt...? This certainly should not be limited to physical appearance and includes any characteristic of a person, whether physical or non-physical. Should you be "advertising" your money, status, intelligence, humor, generosity, etc.? If you've got it, should you flaunt it? Is any degree of modesty going to become a handicap? Or does it depend on the characteristic? Modesty and class is always best. When I say modesty, I'm more thinking of the word, diplomacy. Some care and measure. Besides, I've been informed by the gentlemen that women with smokin' bods can TRY to hide it, but their keen eye can always detect what's underneath I'm guessing the same rule applies to most aspects of someone's basic personality too. The people who have those characteristics generally just conduct their lives authentically... neither hiding it or flaunting it. It is core to who they are so it emits from them naturally and gracefully. So, no. Modesty does not prevent one from being noticed by the people who are attuned and observant for those qualities. I'd say just the opposite, in fact. Edited July 14, 2012 by RedRobin
RedRobin Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Yea, I know......but the use of him as an example was motivated by the scene when Emma Stone's character saw him for the first time and the resulting shock... Right, those people might not want to be associated, stereotyped, or pigeonholed as a particular kind of person based solely on those characteristics...but it's those characteristics that are actually positive qualities that would get them noticed... How do you strike that balance...? Some stereotyping is inevitable. Getting comfortable in your own skin is important. Being in touch with one's core values and goals, and making sure those are consistent with the message you send out... You won't be able to avoid other's preconcieved notions. But you can be ok with yourself and trust that their judgements have nothing to do with you if/when it does happen.
runner Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So I was kind of discussing something with () when I started wondering, does modesty prevent you from getting noticed...? It's good to always put your best foot forward and make the best first impression, but does being unassuming in your demeanor, appearance, behaviors, etc. help or hurt you in the long run? Modesty is often seen as a desirable trait, but can it be a bad thing? The example that came to mind was Ryan Gosling's character in the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Aside from his incredible fashion sense, the guy has a pretty stellar physique. However, he kept the "goods" hidden underneath the suits, so women would never know what he was working with until the clothes came off... Now compare this to the Jersey Shore doucher wearing his schmedium tanktops...he will certainly get noticed for his physique more... Similarly, for the females, do modest clothing choices help or hurt...? This certainly should not be limited to physical appearance and includes any characteristic of a person, whether physical or non-physical. Should you be "advertising" your money, status, intelligence, humor, generosity, etc.? If you've got it, should you flaunt it? Is any degree of modesty going to become a handicap? Or does it depend on the characteristic? generally i'd say that my sense of modesty is what keeps me in good standing with many people. so no, i wouldn't say that it keeps me from getting noticed; if anything it probably helps me appear approachable to many, as far as i can tell. but if we're thinking in terms of the superficial (ie, clothing etc.), i think you can both dress well (suits, or whatever), in a way that accentuates your best features AND carry on with a modest demeanour- why must they be conflicting things ? altho going at lengths to 'flaunt' one's wealth is neither confident, modest, or classy. it's just unsophisticated; or as some might say: "ghetto" 1
carhill Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 OP, great way to stay under the radar, especially that of the unhealthy and incompatible potentials. Works well. Modesty in appearance, demeanor and action. If you want to get 'noticed'/ be 'popular', try something else.
iris219 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Yea, it's something I've debated to myself before, and it recently came back to light with the advent of my "surface trait theory"...if you choose to be modest and unassuming, you essentially minimize the exposure of your surface traits and hope someone will be attracted enough to you to want to get to "learn" all about you...but without the proper advertising and marketing, they'll never build sufficient attraction to do that... Wow. You really overthink this whole dating thing don’t you, hokie? Dating should be natural. I feel like you try to preplan your actions and words to the point where it’s not even you on the date—you’re just some strange amalgamation of all the dating advice you’ve gotten. I am attracted to the essence of a person and how they make me feel when I’m with them, and this isn’t enhanced by a 6 pack or 6 figures. I want to get to know the person, not what they have, so I prefer someone who is naturally modest. You can display your positive traits without being boastful. For example, if a man tells me he goes to the gym 5 days a week I will ascertain the same info I would if he was wearing a tank top or bragging about his squat weight. Marketing superficial aspects might make me WANT to like someone. It will not make me like them. It might make me stick around for a couple more dates as I try to convince myself they are awesome and I should like them. If I’m going to feel if for someone, I’m going to feel it regardless of how much money you make or how hot your body is. That’s why it’s important to focus on marketing your personality and core values, not external traits.
Pyro Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So is there even any benefit to modesty in today's dating environment...? Everyone else pretty much covered it. IMO there are pros and cons to whatever you decide to do in life. For me I was happy being a modest introvert. I did quite well for myself.
january2011 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 (edited) In the past, very tight clothing, showing skin has definitely got me attention. But since I don't want that kind of attention, I tend not to wear very tight clothing, showing skin. Especially in every day life. Having said that, when I visited the west coast, random people, like cashiers and servers, would make indirect comments about my figure - I was not wearing very tight clothing nor did I have a lot of flesh on display. I think in the main because I was over 25 and was not overweight - something that seemed atypical in the area where I was staying.* As to humour and intelligence, yes, in conversation, that has got me noticed but I think there's more room to play with these attributes. Though I imagine acting the clown or correcting people all the time will get one noticed and leave a poor impression in many circles. As to money and status, if you know what you are doing, it is possible to look "money" without having to shell out a fortune. Yes, there are certain brands and items that are obvious signs of wealth and status, which are very difficult to fake. However, I think it is possible to look stylish, distinguished and well put together on a small budget, enough so that the average maitre'd or the man on the street will treat you well. As to Ryan Gosling, from what I've seen of the movie stillson IMDB, he looks anything but modest. He might not have his muscles "front and centre" but his character's choice of clothing has a certain suaveness/sharpness that does not seem typical of the common American man, in my experience of American men. A suaveness/sharpness that will get him noticed by a discerning female eye. *I think this is all relative and it depends on your audience and their common attributes. Being different (in comparison to the group norm) will get you noticed. But being different is not good nor bad, in and of itself. It just is. I suppose this underpins the PUA tactic of using props to stand out. I think there are still subtle ways to catch people's eye without having to be overt like that. That je ne sais quoi that some intriguing people have. Edited July 14, 2012 by january2011
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 As to Ryan Gosling, from what I've seen of the movie stillson IMDB, he looks anything but modest. He might not have his muscles "front and centre" but his character's choice of clothing has a certain suaveness/sharpness that does not seem typical of the common American man, in my experience of American men. A suaveness/sharpness that will get him noticed by a discerning female eye. But...when he was wearing clothes you couldn't tell that he had a great body. He was always wearing suits or long sleeved t-shirts. There was no hint of it at all. The most you could say was that he is not overweight. And then he took his shirt off
january2011 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 But...when he was wearing clothes you couldn't tell that he had a great body. He was always wearing suits or long sleeved t-shirts. There was no hint of it at all. The most you could say was that he is not overweight. And then he took his shirt off I know ES, but you could tell that his clothes fit him well and he'd made good choices as to the style to suit the persona he wanted to present to the world. The man knew how to dress. His great body is a bonus. A very pleasing afterthought, if you will.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I know ES, but you could tell that his clothes fit him well and he'd made good choices as to the style to suit the persona he wanted to present to the world. The man knew how to dress. His great body is a bonus. A very pleasing afterthought, if you will. Agreed. He looked great in clothes too
ThaWholigan Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Having always appeared modest in my initial appearance, I can't say it has prevented me from being noticed by people. Sometimes there can just be an aura about you that people gravitate towards, and I cannot adequately explain it. My size also makes it difficult for me to go unnoticed aswell, but generally even with a calm mentality, people do notice me, but perhaps not all the time. In dating, I have been approached a fair few times also, perhaps more than even I thought.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Wearing plain looking clothes wont help attract most people.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 (edited) I know ES, but you could tell that his clothes fit him well and he'd made good choices as to the style to suit the persona he wanted to present to the world. The man knew how to dress. His great body is a bonus. A very pleasing afterthought, if you will. Right, and how do you reconcile the qualities that should be a "bonus" versus the qualities that should be advertised for the world to see? If you conceal too much, or not show off enough, would anyone even be interested enough to find out about the "bonuses"? Edited July 14, 2012 by USMCHokie
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Wearing plain looking clothes wont help attract most people. So the question is, how far should one go in attracting people...?
january2011 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Right, and how do you reconcile the qualities that should be a "bonus" versus the qualities that should be advertised for the world to see? If you conceal too much, or not show off enough, would anyone even be interested enough to find out about the "bonuses"? Would you accept, "one just knows?" Nope, thought not. The answer to your question is highly dependent on your respondent. For me, most of what is under our clothes and a lot of what's in our hearts and minds would be the bonuses and not advertised for the world to see. However, unless one is very controlled in both word and deed, then there are usually enough glimpses or "tells" that the most observant can catch. I know that I could dress in skimpier clothes and get more male attention, but it would be the "wrong" kind of attention from a wide variety of guys, most of whom wouldn't be a good fit. Plus I wouldn't want my wearing skimpy clothes to be the basis for an approach. I'm more interested in a guy who is interested in the bonuses. Having said that, it would be naive of me to refuse to believe that the front-end doesn't matter, it does. But the back-end, or bonuses, are what I'm more interested in and I hope that this viewpoint exists in the guy. Which, thankfully, it does, in my case. I think that if you were to apply this thread pragmatically to your own life, rather than on a purely intellectual level, you need to work out where your target girl or type of girl stands on all this. That is, in terms of the front-end and back-end.
MrCastle Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 You have to show your best traits early on. Dating is a lot like advertising. Don't be afraid to be confident, or show off your best traits. You should be proud of yourself.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 You have to show your best traits early on. Dating is a lot like advertising. Don't be afraid to be confident, or show off your best traits. You should be proud of yourself. Serious question here...do you encourage the posting of shirtless/bikini pics on online dating profiles...?
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 I think that if you were to apply this thread pragmatically to your own life, rather than on a purely intellectual level, you need to work out where your target girl or type of girl stands on all this. That is, in terms of the front-end and back-end. This is a good point, and something I didn't really consider in the first post. But I would argue that there are attributes that will universally draw attention. I think the distinction that you pointed out really is more influencing the type of attention you get back...
january2011 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 This is a good point, and something I didn't really consider in the first post. But I would argue that there are attributes that will universally draw attention. I think the distinction that you pointed out really is more influencing the type of attention you get back... Do you want to universally draw attention though? Are you aiming for a scattergun approach? That is, do you want any girl rather than the girl? Are you trying to get as many girls as possible to notice you? And not just one girl or type of girl in particular? No doubt there are some attributes that will universally draw attention - though I'd still stick a disclaimer in there and say that it's relative and depends on the situational group norm. For example, if you're alone in a room full of women in skimpy clothing, how do you know which one to approach? You're still going to have to look for differentiators to help you decide. Or you become overwhelmed by the choices and leave. 1
MrCastle Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Serious question here...do you encourage the posting of shirtless/bikini pics on online dating profiles...? There is no doubt you'll find success doing it. Now we can argue the quality of the men and women who fall for it, but the fact remains girls will respond to those profiles, as men will respond to the female equivalent. If we're talking purely success, yes, going shirtless/wearing revealing clothes will garner attention. The quality of people it works on can be debated but that's not the main focus here.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 There is no doubt you'll find success doing it. Now we can argue the quality of the men and women who fall for it, but the fact remains girls will respond to those profiles, as men will respond to the female equivalent. If we're talking purely success, yes, going shirtless/wearing revealing clothes will garner attention. The quality of people it works on can be debated but that's not the main focus here. Well it's interesting you bring up the quality of men and women who "fall for it"...and you're absolutely right, it will garner attention. However, are you suggesting that only a certain quality of person is attracted to good physiques? Or is it the fact that guys are actually bringing that physique to light that turns off the "quality ones"...? I never understand women who claimed to be immediately turned off by a man's profile containing the shirtless pic(s). So are they turned off by the physique itself? Or turned off by the display of the physique? Do they associate a certain character or personality based on the physique or the profile?
Snowman219 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 If you're too confident, you're asking for trouble. <---Bring on that trouble baby. I'm ready! <---Too confident
MrCastle Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Well it's interesting you bring up the quality of men and women who "fall for it"...and you're absolutely right, it will garner attention. However, are you suggesting that only a certain quality of person is attracted to good physiques? Or is it the fact that guys are actually bringing that physique to light that turns off the "quality ones"...? I never understand women who claimed to be immediately turned off by a man's profile containing the shirtless pic(s). So are they turned off by the physique itself? Or turned off by the display of the physique? Do they associate a certain character or personality based on the physique or the profile? I think there are a lot of factors. When I say quality, I mean, the girls who automatically message shirtless pic dudes without reading their profile are just looking for a quick hookup. More than likely a party girl with a shallow side. A jersey shore type guidette, if you will, which makes sense, because most of the guys that use shirtless pics fit the role of the self absorbed d-bag that those women gravitate towards, so like goes with like. These are of course big generalizations but I'd say more often than not, that's what happens. Now, I think there are ways to "class up" the shirtless pics. If you're just taking a self shot in front of a mirror with a fitted cap on, it's pretty tasteless, and although you'll get attention, if you're looking for quality, you may not find it. However if you're a model, or take professional shots that look somewhat artistic, you come across a little classier, and better yet if it's an action shot, like a beach, or playing a sport, something that shows you're active and you have a reason to be shirtless. That's how it is for me at least. When i see profiles of girls in bikinis with her girls at the beach or by a pool I think "wow she has a pretty body and she likes to have fun". When I see a girl bending over in front of a mirror with a camera phone trying to show off her ass, or squeezing her tits together and making a duckface I think "ugh, trashy skank". Both women are showing skin, but one is casual, and the other is trying too hard I think we're all attracted to bodies, but some girls see that douchey, camera phone mirror shirtless pic and think "ew, trying too hard/too cocky. next!", but may see a guy shirtless at the beach with a football in his hand and say "hmm, he's hot" Pretty much if you're going to put up a shirtless pic, have a reason for being shirtless.
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