USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So I was kind of discussing something with () when I started wondering, does modesty prevent you from getting noticed...? It's good to always put your best foot forward and make the best first impression, but does being unassuming in your demeanor, appearance, behaviors, etc. help or hurt you in the long run? Modesty is often seen as a desirable trait, but can it be a bad thing? The example that came to mind was Ryan Gosling's character in the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Aside from his incredible fashion sense, the guy has a pretty stellar physique. However, he kept the "goods" hidden underneath the suits, so women would never know what he was working with until the clothes came off... Now compare this to the Jersey Shore doucher wearing his schmedium tanktops...he will certainly get noticed for his physique more... Similarly, for the females, do modest clothing choices help or hurt...? This certainly should not be limited to physical appearance and includes any characteristic of a person, whether physical or non-physical. Should you be "advertising" your money, status, intelligence, humor, generosity, etc.? If you've got it, should you flaunt it? Is any degree of modesty going to become a handicap? Or does it depend on the characteristic? 3
Pyro Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 (edited) Modesty will prevent some potential suitors from you. You may or may not be missing out. Edited July 14, 2012 by Pyro Sounds Better 2
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Modesty will prevent some potential suitors from you. You may or may not be missing out. So is there even any benefit to modesty in today's dating environment...?
MaxNoob Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So I was kind of discussing something with () when I started wondering, does modesty prevent you from getting noticed...? No, look who's at the top of the Youtube charts - Jenna Marbles. She did it just by being humble and funny, without showing any cleavage, unlike so many other girls that try to monetize their boobs with revealing outfits in every video. Modesty can be very attractive. If you're too confident, you're asking for trouble. "I can wrestle that alligator no problem!" You're not going to survive with that attitude, so it could be an evolutionary reason for why arrogance is unattractive. People don't like boasting either, if you bring it up without having been asked first. 2
Snakechammah Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I absolutely HATE boastful guys. So a modest guy will definitely get my attention. The more humble he is, the more quiet and mysterious he is, the more I'd like to uncover his secrets. You can bet if he wears tank top and shorts, I'll avoid him like the plague. If he wears 'normal' clothes (obviously not mismatched or strange roman-like robe in the streets, lol), I would be curious to know what's underneath it. So to the question asked, in my opinion, being modest will certainly get you MY attention. Can't speak for the rest. Hope that helps. 2
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I think you should accentuate your assets while leaving a little something to the imagination.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 So to the question asked, in my opinion, being modest will certainly get you MY attention. Can't speak for the rest. Now how has modesty on your part worked out...? Does it work the other way around for you; that is, did modesty get the guys' attention?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So is there even any benefit to modesty in today's dating environment...? You can't be too modest up front. The whole point in dating is to see if the other person is someone you can see yourself with in the long run. [general statement, that's the case for me at least.] I do believe modesty is a great trait, but in dating, I like to see a mans good qualities. Body wise I am not too picky so that has never been something that draws my attention. Smiles do, and that is a great trait that you can see. Others that I value, can mostly only be seen over time, but I do not want to get with a man and date for months only to find out later on he loves kids by seeing it. Mostly because for all I know I could wait months to find out he doesn't. Am I making sense? Being modest about things that you are better at showing and doing is great if you foresee in the imminent future that you can prove it. Otherwise talking about it is the only way to display certain aspects of yourself, and that right there is needed when first dating. 1
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 If you're too confident, you're asking for trouble. Is there such a thing...? I think you should accentuate your assets while leaving a little something to the imagination. So how does one decide what should be accentuated and what should be initially concealed...?
monkey00 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 It doesn't really matter anyway. If you have to be boastful and brag about all your successes to a girl to attract her, then she's not worth you time TBH. Being boastful is seeking validation. Seeking validation is a weakness. Seeking validation gets you no respect. Operate under normal pretense until a girl actually asks you precise questions, then if the opportunity arises you can tell her. E.G.: if you have a great body, if you guys are at a pool or beach she will get the opportunity to see it. There is no appeal if the mystery suddenly evaporates too early and you reveal everything. Mystery is good short-term. But usually tends to disappear for the most part when people get into relationships.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Is there such a thing...? So how does one decide what should be accentuated and what should be initially concealed...? This right here is a case by case situation. It all depends on the woman. Most woman will talk about things and ask questions in order to decipher it themselves.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Am I making sense? Being modest about things that you are better at showing and doing is great if you foresee in the imminent future that you can prove it. Otherwise talking about it is the only way to display certain aspects of yourself, and that right there is needed when first dating. Yes, you are making sense. However, I'm not necessarily referring to talking about how great you are...perhaps a better word than modest would be "unassuming"...for example, a multi-millionaire who drives a Yaris instead of the Masarati on the first few dates...or the Ryan Gosling concealing his physique under the suits...or the female fitness model wearing jeans and a t-shirt...or the guy in Mensa not telling you he's in Mensa and not talking like he's in Mensa...or the funny guy/gal he doesn't let all the laughs out from the beginning...and the such...
without Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 That's what i was thinking about for some time. Good question. I was a modest girl, I didn't like to get much attention, I mean not to be unnoticed, but I preferred it that way. I felt comfortable. But then I started dating and I started noticing girls around me and how guys react, so I understood modesty isn't a good thing, you have to have a special something or sth like that to get attention. Otherwise no guy will be interested in you. So far that's my experience.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 It doesn't really matter anyway. If you have to be boastful and brag about all your successes to a girl to attract her, then she's not worth you time TBH. Being boastful is seeking validation. Seeking validation is a weakness. Seeking validation gets you no respect. Operate under normal pretense until a girl actually asks you precise questions, then if the opportunity arises you can tell her. E.G.: if you have a great body, if you guys are at a pool or beach she will get the opportunity to see it. There is no appeal if the mystery suddenly evaporates too early and you reveal everything. Mystery is good short-term. But usually tends to disappear for the most part when people get into relationships. Bolded above...should there ever be a case where you intentionally set aside that opportunity until later...? See post #12...
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 That's what i was thinking about for some time. Good question. I was a modest girl, I didn't like to get much attention, I mean not to be unnoticed, but I preferred it that way. I felt comfortable. But then I started dating and I started noticing girls around me and how guys react, so I understood modesty isn't a good thing, you have to have a special something or sth like that to get attention. Otherwise no guy will be interested in you. So far that's my experience. Yea, it's something I've debated to myself before, and it recently came back to light with the advent of my "surface trait theory"...if you choose to be modest and unassuming, you essentially minimize the exposure of your surface traits and hope someone will be attracted enough to you to want to get to "learn" all about you...but without the proper advertising and marketing, they'll never build sufficient attraction to do that...
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Yes, you are making sense. However, I'm not necessarily referring to talking about how great you are...perhaps a better word than modest would be "unassuming"...for example, a multi-millionaire who drives a Yaris instead of the Masarati on the first few dates...or the Ryan Gosling concealing his physique under the suits...or the female fitness model wearing jeans and a t-shirt...or the guy in Mensa not telling you he's in Mensa and not talking like he's in Mensa...or the funny guy/gal he doesn't let all the laughs out from the beginning...and the such... I find it funny you use ryan gosling as an example he is definitely not a modest guy in the movie. Anywho! I don't think any of those things is being modest, I find them as making one more approachable or personable as to not intimidate or for that matter, get dates due to: having lots of money; having a great body; being super hilarious. I get it, do I think it is a good thing? It can be. I went on a date once with a pro poker player. I googled him before the date and saw what he did and was shocked at how he never mentioned it. It made sense though, and because of that I didn't bring it up during the date. He was just a normal guy other than the fact that he made thousands through gambling and was very well known in the poker world. The date was nice, but no spark so when he asked me out again, I declined. My point is that, I knew what he did and I still acted like I would on any other date. Course, I like to think I am out of the norm and therefore totally could see how a guy could think a woman would only date him for being so wealthy. So... I guess my REAL point is that most people who are modest in those situations aren't doing it for the dates sake, but there own.
without Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Yea, it's something I've debated to myself before, and it recently came back to light with the advent of my "surface trait theory"...if you choose to be modest and unassuming, you essentially minimize the exposure of your surface traits and hope someone will be attracted enough to you to want to get to "learn" all about you...but without the proper advertising and marketing, they'll never build sufficient attraction to do that... Exactly. My problem is I'm very introvert, but i'm working on it.
monkey00 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Bolded above...should there ever be a case where you intentionally set aside that opportunity until later...? See post #12... That's difficult to say. If you dodge the question too much or change the subject she might start to get the hunch that you have something to hide or you're a liar of sorts. I think for the most part it's good to be honest. But you can definitely tease a little bit and dance around the subject a bit then tell her. I feel like the older people get, the more inclined they are to be broad about certain topics (especially what they do for a living) and talk less about it. It comes with age, the need to brag less since you are more confident in yourself and seek less validation from others. I think at the end of the day, it's good to be well-rounded. That way the answers you tell her can have the potential to impress her. I guess the question is, would you date yourself?
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So how does one decide what should be accentuated and what should be initially concealed...? if a guy wears shorts he should wear sleeves and if a girl wears a tight short skirt she should wear a looser or not lowcut top. too much skin showing makes a person look dirty IMO. unless of course you're on the beach. if you cover yourself up on the beach then you just look weird. but I think if a person is showing off too much in public then that's really all they got...a body...nothing more.
Snakechammah Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Now how has modesty on your part worked out...? Does it work the other way around for you; that is, did modesty get the guys' attention? To be completely honest, modesty has worked for me to keeping the guys at bay. Meaning, most times I'd rather the guy to be NOT interested so I deflect them by intentionally wearing less flattering clothes, saying things like, "Hey that girl is sooo pretty, you both will look cute together!", or jokingly put myself down "I'm more manly than feminine!"... things like that. In a way modesty helps me in that sense. I am sensitive to other people's feelings so if I am not attracted to the guy and he's giving signals of interest, then I play the modest card. I do so to avoid hurting him. My intentions are clear from the start. Instead of rejecting, the modesty plays out. And he will get the hint and won't waste his time. Personally I do not wear revealing clothes (my physique is more Shakira than Pamela Anderson), I dont have a bank account like Mark Zuckenberg, and although I have a good job, I'm no Hilary Clinton-career woman. Thus, there is nothing to write home about. I guess modesty is PART of my life as I have nothing to brag. But that doesn't mean I get no attention from guys. So I guess it works alright for me so far! On another note: I have a high self-esteem. But ironically, I enjoy putting myself down when I talk to others. I believe the healthier your self-esteem, the more comfortable you are, and the more modest you become. To me, a bragging person shows signs of wanting validation, signifying a lower self-esteem. Just my opinion...
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 I find it funny you use ryan gosling as an example he is definitely not a modest guy in the movie. Yea, I know......but the use of him as an example was motivated by the scene when Emma Stone's character saw him for the first time and the resulting shock... So... I guess my REAL point is that most people who are modest in those situations aren't doing it for the dates sake, but there own. Right, those people might not want to be associated, stereotyped, or pigeonholed as a particular kind of person based solely on those characteristics...but it's those characteristics that are actually positive qualities that would get them noticed... How do you strike that balance...?
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Yea, I know......but the use of him as an example was motivated by the scene when Emma Stone's character saw him for the first time without his shirt and the resulting shock... Fixed.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Right, those people might not want to be associated, stereotyped, or pigeonholed as a particular kind of person based solely on those characteristics...but it's those characteristics that are actually positive qualities that would get them noticed... How do you strike that balance...? If you don't mind me asking, there must be something you have going for you that you are debating on revealing or keeping under wraps... what is it? I only ask because I honestly believe it is case by case and depends on LOTS.
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 if a guy wears shorts he should wear sleeves and if a girl wears a tight short skirt she should wear a looser or not lowcut top. too much skin showing makes a person look dirty IMO. unless of course you're on the beach. if you cover yourself up on the beach then you just look weird. but I think if a person is showing off too much in public then that's really all they got...a body...nothing more. My use of the terms accentuated and concealed weren't limited to how much of your body you show, but how much of yourself you show...and it's what I'm getting at...if you show too much, people might characterize you in an undesirable or inaccurate way, but if you cover yourself up, they might not be interested enough to even bother characterizing you...
Author USMCHokie Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 If you don't mind me asking, there must be something you have going for you that you are debating on revealing or keeping under wraps... what is it? Actually, there isn't anything specific. I've recently become fascinated by the whole "confidence" piece and all its related workings in the social environment. I'm asking from a purely intellectual standpoint; at least for this one.
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