LiHai Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Hi, I posted while back about my situation. I have been lurking and reading everything I can on this board. My AP and are in the first proper stages of NC. We had attempted it previously but we always caved and started a new 'circle'. This time I am adamant I will stick to NC as is my AP. I was foolish for getting myself into this situation, foolish for believing a MM would leave his family to be with me. I believe that he is unhappy with his M (and doesn't love his W) , but he needs to stay for his kids and while I don't agree with that line of reasoning, I respect what he needs to do. That doesn't make it easier for me to deal with. I try to focus on all the hurt that I felt during the R to help cope, but at the end of the day while I know NC is right and I MUST stick to it, I am devastated. I loved him, put him on a pedestal and adored him. I don't know how I am going to get through each new day. I want to cry all the time. I can't think straight. I feel so bad about myself. I know life will get easier and better. But right now I just don't know how to get through the day. When my children are around I can put on a facade and be a good mum, but as soon as the girls are at their dads or school, I am a mess. I know I will not contact him, I am so sure of it. I also know he will not contact me, yet I keep checking my phone, email, etc to see if he has. If he did contact me, I would ignore him. Yet I'm constantly checking, I think I just want to know that he misses me as much as I do him. But how pointless is that...how pointless it is that I keep checking!. Yet I cannot help myself. What a mess I am. I know I did the right thing to myself, my husband and children by separating from my H and I am doing more right to everyone involved by ensuring I stick to NC. I can not hurt my H anymore, I want to continue our friendship (our split has been very amicable) and my affair has strained things as it is. Following NC is not only good for me, it is also good for my H as it shows that us working towards staying friends is more important than my emotional needs being met by a MM. I'm not sure why I'm posting my story, I think it's because I have no one I can really talk to about this and I need support to deal with it. I have never been in such a messy situation. I cannot believe all the hurt I have allowed myself to get into! Why did I do this?
MissBee Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Hi LiHai, You're doing the right thing...although it is not easy. If you read the Breaks and Breaking Up and Coping section you'll see many people who echo your feelings. Detaching from a relationship is a hard hard time. The nostalgia, the temptations to call, the constant checking of phones/emails etc, the hoping they miss you etc. It's all quite maddening. Getting out your feelings helps though. Posting on LS is one way to gain support, talk about your feelings with others, vent etc. Journaling also helped me, focusing on what I didn't like about the relationship and what I wanted in the future and focusing on other activities and goals I had. Don't be too hard on yourself. Feel how you feel, whether it is angry or sad or scared and remember that these feelings are transient and part of a process and you need to learn lessons from this situation that will be useful as you move forward. There is an other side and you'll be just fine 1
ac11442 Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Li, I know exactly how you're feeling and I'm sorry. Literally 10 days ago I was in your shoes and didn't think it was ever going to get better. Like you I have kids at home and was able to hold it together when they were around but the moment I was alone the tears stared and it was over. I even posted here and couldn't get thru writing the post without crying. I'm on day 38 of NC. Again, like you, I won't call him an I know this time he won't contact me. I just want some kind of proof I guess that he's missing me as much as I miss him. I had to delete my fb so I wouldn't be tempted to cyber stalk him. What would I find? Either that he's just as miserable as I am which would make me miss him more? Or that he's going about his business like nothing happened? Either way I'd end up feeling like crap. You hold out on the NC. It is the best thing in the long run. Here I am, 10 days after thinking it would never end, feeling better and better every day. Plus reading others posts helped a lot. Just knowing I wasn't the only one made me feel better. And, oddly enough, reading others stories and seeing how remarkedly similar they are really does seem to put things in perspective. Just keep in mind that me, and a bunch of others here, are rooting for ya! Hang in there!!!
woinlove Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I have never been in such a messy situation. I cannot believe all the hurt I have allowed myself to get into! Why did I do this? Why? If you have been reading LS, I'm sure you see that many people get into the messy, hurtful situation you describe. Likely the MM made you feel desired and special and filled something that was lacking in your life at the time. Counselling can help you learn more about your needs and vulnerabilities and how to make yourself happy. Everything you write shows that you are now working hard to put your life on an even keel. You are going to miss what you shared with MM for a while, but staying NC and doing everything you can to start refilling your life with other enjoyable activities and connections, perhaps getting counselling, medication if you feel yourself sinking into depression, will keep you on the path to greater happiness. Good for you for already starting on the path! Stay strong and look after yourself and know that you can survive all the painful feelings, can resist the temptations to be drawn back into more messiness and hurt. 1
sad puppy Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I'm here to tell you that , yes, the MM is missing you. You'll have to trust me on that, believe me. However, you must be strong in knowing you can walk away from a situation that doesn't work for you. Dig in and find your strength. Yep, the MM is missing you but the only way it will work is if he misses you enough to come get you.
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 So what if your MM is missing you. Really - It won't change the fact he isn't leavng his wife and family for you. He has told you he isn't, so it's good that you are going to stick to NC. Don't settle back into an A with him.. That is what he wants. You are 'enough' for him to have the A with but not enough for him change his life, divorce etc.. The ego part of you of course wants him to really miss and love you. Maybe he does, in his own selfish way, but that still doesn't change how things are. Stay strong and focus on grieving and letting go. Spend time with good friends and family, keep busy and keep posting on here too.
skywriter Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 LiHai, I tell you what will be an enpowering moment for you. It has for myself anyway. The moment you think to yourself, "wow, I haven't felt anxious about checking my phone for a call from the MM or wow, I've not jumped, thinking it was him when the phone rang." The feeling of indifference is so rewarding and less burdensome.
nonamefornow Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 LiHai I hope you are feeling a little better today and maintaining the NC. I am going through the very same thing and having a hard time obssessively (to me anyway) checking my phone and email......... Of course this time around he's finally respecting my wishes and I have no idea what has sparked this reaction in me.....we've had bouts of NC before and I haven't taken it this badly. Hang in there......we CAN do this and it WILL get easier!
ac11442 Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Noname, the reason you are having a hard time this time is probably because he IS respecting your wishes and not contacting you. If every time before he has called, emailed, texted, whatever, and this time he isn't, then of course you're feeling it more. I was in the same situation but I think I'm over the hump now. I think when you realize this time is different, this time it's for good, that's when reality kicks in. It's also when panic kicks in so be careful of that one! When you realize he really isn't going to contact you, this might really be it, the last time you spoke might really be the LAST time? It gets really really tempting to contact him. DON'T DO IT!!!! Stay strong! It will pass. It might not seem like it but trust me, it will.
Author LiHai Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Thanks everyone for your words of support, it really helps knowing there are others out there who understand what I am going through. Li, I know exactly how you're feeling and I'm sorry. Literally 10 days ago I was in your shoes and didn't think it was ever going to get better. Like you I have kids at home and was able to hold it together when they were around but the moment I was alone the tears stared and it was over. I even posted here and couldn't get thru writing the post without crying. I'm on day 38 of NC. Again, like you, I won't call him an I know this time he won't contact me. I just want some kind of proof I guess that he's missing me as much as I miss him. I had to delete my fb so I wouldn't be tempted to cyber stalk him. What would I find? Either that he's just as miserable as I am which would make me miss him more? Or that he's going about his business like nothing happened? Either way I'd end up feeling like crap. You hold out on the NC. It is the best thing in the long run. Here I am, 10 days after thinking it would never end, feeling better and better every day. Plus reading others posts helped a lot. Just knowing I wasn't the only one made me feel better. And, oddly enough, reading others stories and seeing how remarkedly similar they are really does seem to put things in perspective. Just keep in mind that me, and a bunch of others here, are rooting for ya! Hang in there!!! The first few days were the hardest, I really wanted to know that he missed me, I am finding it a little easier now. I still check my phone and emails a couple of times a day, and yeah I check his FB page. Thankfully we are no longer friends on FB so I cannot see what he is up to and vice versa. This may sound silly but I kinda want him to contact me just so I can get the satisfaction of ignoring it, or even responding with a "please do not contact me". Of course this is a bad idea and I wouldn't respond, that's only opening up a dialog between us. No contact is best! stops any wounds being opened again. I am proud of where I am at, I did not cry once yesterday! I started to feel "why should I cry for what I cannot have? why should I hurt for what I cannot have? - it won't bring him back and I dealt with enough pain towards the end of our R, why do I want to keep being in pain? I'm best just dealing with it quickly and moving on to other good things" That's where I'm at today. I go up and down so who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.
Author LiHai Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 LiHai, I tell you what will be an enpowering moment for you. It has for myself anyway. The moment you think to yourself, "wow, I haven't felt anxious about checking my phone for a call from the MM or wow, I've not jumped, thinking it was him when the phone rang." The feeling of indifference is so rewarding and less burdensome. I look forward to this day! I look forward to not checking my phone, that flutter I get when I receive a text and I think "is it him?", I know once I stop doing that I have reached a good point!
Author LiHai Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Noname, the reason you are having a hard time this time is probably because he IS respecting your wishes and not contacting you. If every time before he has called, emailed, texted, whatever, and this time he isn't, then of course you're feeling it more. I was in the same situation but I think I'm over the hump now. I think when you realize this time is different, this time it's for good, that's when reality kicks in. It's also when panic kicks in so be careful of that one! When you realize he really isn't going to contact you, this might really be it, the last time you spoke might really be the LAST time? It gets really really tempting to contact him. DON'T DO IT!!!! Stay strong! It will pass. It might not seem like it but trust me, it will. I think you're right. This time has been the hardest, previously when we had gone NC I would get a text from him hoping he could see me (once he even turned up at my place - which was pretty daring of him!), this time is different though. We both know that there will be no contact, the last time we talked we prepared ourselves for how we would deal with this, including what we would do if one of us broke NC, the other is supposed to ignore it. The hardest part is that I will have to see him this week. I am dreading it! I don't have to speak to him but we will be in a class together for the rest of this semester, it is our final class so I cannot skip it or I will not complete my degree. We decided in our last conversation that we would not converse in class, a simple hi will suffice. Thankfully due to the nature of the class we only attend every couple of weeks. I'm dreading it though, I don't want to make eye contact with him. But I also don't want him to think I am depressed over losing him, so I don't want to hide from him either. I miss him incredibly, he (was) so sweet and loving. Seeing him is going to dredge all of that up! Arrgh! I wish I didn't have to go! My way of dealing with this has been focusing on all the pain he caused me....focusing on the mis-truths, the stringing me along, the few times he was cruel to me. If I focus on that I feel so clear that I do not want part of this situation anymore. The last time I actually saw him he was a little stressed, we had had a (skype) conversation earlier that day that I had been putting off. I had reached a stage where I didn't like to talk about my feelings towards our situation, i.e. him needing to make a decision and how stringing me along was making me feel worthless and insecure, knowing that while we talked and saw each other most days, any day I was going to wake up to an email or text saying it was over. I found that difficult to comprehend. So I told him this, I also told him that I was nervous about talking about it as it usually ends with him being upset. As usual he got defensive and we argued about it, him saying that this is just the way it is and I need to deal with it or we could just end it now. Of course I did not want it to end like that. Hours later he text me saying that he had had a massive conversation with his wife about all of this and then his FIL had called him and had a go at him. At this point he was rather stressed, he asked if he could come over, I said yes. So he comes over, vents a little, we chat, me being me I feel sorry for him - I knew he was in a rough position, we hug and have a cuppa, things are nice and he feels better. Anyway we end up making love, it is amazing (like always)...Afterwards we are lying together and talking and laughing and feeling very carefree and relaxed. We talk about how we love each other and how no other relationship has ever felt like this. We hang out for a bit longer, then he heads home. Less than 2 hours later he emails me telling me it's over, not to contact him again and that he is a 'married man with children'. I was so shocked, how could he be callous enough to end us like that so soon after we lay together? And even worse was reading that line about leaving him alone because he is married with children? I am married with children too (though separated now, I wasn't in the beginning...) All these thoughts raced through my head, did he know he wanted to dump me before he came around? If so how could he not tell me then and there instead of in an email? Why would he make love to me? Did his wife help him write the email? When we talked the next day he said he wrote that email on his own initiative and that he didn't know he was going to do it before he came around. Either way I am glad he wrote that email, when I miss him I read that email and I no longer miss him, I feel pissed off instead! It hurts less to feel pissed off instead of feeling sad! I've come to realise I can do better than him and even if a (real) relationship had of occurred it would have been an immense struggle for both of us when taking in to account angry Ex's, young children, upset family members etc. I can do better than that, I can eventually go into a relationship that doesn't carry all that emotional baggage...right?
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