stillwater Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I do understand that as the OW I give up the validity for being jealous. Its just tough sometimes. Now, I know I am playing devils advocate here, but what would you do? if you had a fiance and someone in your life for 5 years....would it be so easy for you to break it off? Cheating on a fiance(e) just seems completely mind-boggling to me, more than cheating on a spouse or bf/gf. I'm not even sure I can explain it really. I think it may just be that cheating so close to any event related to marriage just makes no sense. If you agreed to marry someone, I'd hope you were sure enough that you'd be able to keep it in your pants for the relatively short time between the proposal and marriage. How could you possibly stand up there and say "I do" with a straight face knowing that shortly before the wedding you were getting it on with someone else? Messed up.
Author sunlover Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 missbee: so in your opinion, me choosing to walk away would be best until he figures out his situation? stillwater: agreed. however, this engagement has been on for over a year, they have no wedding plans, and not even sure if they'll ever see each other again.
ac11442 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Sunlover, I understand the jealousy. And I agree with MissBee. I just compartmentalized it for the most part. I tried not to think about it. When he texted me he was about to go to bed I could literally picture him walking to his bedroom, crawling into bed, turning out the lights and going to sleep. In my logical brain I knew his wife was there too. In my denial mind I just kind of 'erased' her from the picture. Even when he told me they were doing 'couple' things I could block her out. I'm not sure how I managed to do that. Maybe it's because I never actually saw them together. I know it wasn't healthy. But hell, neither was the A in the first place. I guess my own mind kind of took over to protect itself, kinda like affair shock. 2
MissBee Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 missbee: so in your opinion, me choosing to walk away would be best until he figures out his situation? stillwater: agreed. however, this engagement has been on for over a year, they have no wedding plans, and not even sure if they'll ever see each other again. Yes, I do think it is best. Have you ever even talked to him honestly about where he sees the future with you and if he is ever going to tell his fiance he won't marry her?
nofool4u Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 As the other woman, I think you gave up the right to jealousy. Exactly!! It should be in the manual.
skywriter Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I think jealousy is a product of underlying feelings that aren't being expressed, like resentments, frustrations, and so on. I believe it's just part of being a human being. When we naievly enter into affairs we don't have a clue what lys around the corner, that will cause any or all of these emotions to come into fruition. However, it's the price we pay for involving ourselves with any already committed partner. This is one of many emotions that I experienced. A's change you, because you have to change yourself to be in an A.I've learned that I won't be changing myself, for another persons time and affection in the future ,unless they are willing to do the same for me. 1
skywriter Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Pierre, OWs accept the fact that MM may have sex with wife. This is part of the OW make up. However, an OOW may cause a very intense reaction that is quite similar to a d-day back home. I suspect the man is probably lying to the OP about his intentions with with GF. Yes, indeed, and I agree, Pierre.
neveragain2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I knew my xMM had sex with his wife but if I would have thought even for one second there was OOW??? I'd have lost it! It's a strange dynamic.
MissBee Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I think jealousy is a product of underlying feelings that aren't being expressed, like resentments, frustrations, and so on. I believe it's just part of being a human being. When we naievly enter into affairs we don't have a clue what lys around the corner, that will cause any or all of these emotions to come into fruition. However, it's the price we pay for involving ourselves with any already committed partner. This is one of many emotions that I experienced. A's change you, because you have to change yourself to be in an A.I've learned that I won't be changing myself, for another persons time and affection in the future ,unless they are willing to do the same for me. Couldn't have said it better
neveragain2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 It is not that strange because the assumption is that the sex with wife is mechanical and the relationship with OW is emotional. Most women care more about the emotional component. A clever MM tells OW sex with the wife is a disgusting chore:D. My xMM never told me that. Actually I knew he had an active sex life with his wife and it was getting better and better. Like I said before, he told me this, I knew it, I compartmentalized it. But I've seen the 'disgusting chore' referred to repeatedly. I know by definition xMM was a liar but I guess I can be thankful he seems to be more honest than most!
Author sunlover Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 No, i havent really asked about our future. there has been discussions about moving together though for employment purposes. I dont know if he will marry her. If she comes back, I'm sure he will.
Author sunlover Posted July 26, 2012 Author Posted July 26, 2012 Alright LS... After about two weeks of NC, basically, I am ready to see him face to face. I am going to end this tonight. I have realized thst he is not ready for any relationship and he is seeking the physical. I used to care about if he would sleep with someone else, but ya know what.....i dont anymore. I'd rather him be involved physically with someone else w/ no meaning and me be free from the hurt. Until he figures out what he is going to do with his LDR fiance, I know I am too good and deswrve more than being a side plate and option B. Wooohooi! Go me!!! Now...off to tonight, then start fresh, focus on me, my job, my friends, family, then a relationship. :-D #happywithmyself 1
skywriter Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 That's fantastic! Just stay firm and don't let any sweet words throw you off your course.
Lostinlife4now Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 It is not that strange because the assumption is that the sex with wife is mechanical and the relationship with OW is emotional. Most women care more about the emotional component. A clever MM tells OW sex with the wife is a disgusting chore:D. Xmm used to tell me he NEVER had sex with his W. Somehow, I believe it. I could never see them (in my head) having sex! She doesn't like sex and she doesn't like him. They are both turned off by each other. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I do understand that as the OW I give up the validity for being jealous. Its just tough sometimes. Now, I know I am playing devils advocate here, but what would you do? if you had a fiance and someone in your life for 5 years....would it be so easy for you to break it off? Hi sunlover! XOW here. I could NOT handle the jealousy. As time went on longer with the affair, I had to think he had to be having sex with her at some point and time. And HE LIED about it, and told me they were not. Come on....but I compartmentalized it. I had to. I broke the A off after 8 years.... I don't know of too many married people who go without sex for 8 years. And that was the biggest hurdle in the R (and the fact that I felt sleazy and immoral,) I didn't care if he was doing couple things, they were always with their kids. If I were you, I would just back up some and really see which way this R of his is going. You sound like a lovely girl, I want you to be happy and not be someone's option. 1
Author sunlover Posted July 26, 2012 Author Posted July 26, 2012 Thank you so much. I hope you are content where you are in your life now. Too short ti be anything less!
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