sunlover Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 How do you control your jealousy? Thoughts of your man/woman being intimate with their other significant other?
scatterd Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Remember they were together before you came along. I don't know how you get rid of jealousy but these kind of relationships are not good. I also don't know your whole situation but jealousy hurts you more then the other person. What is it thats getting to you?
nofool4u Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 How do you control your jealousy? Thoughts of your man/woman being intimate with their other significant other? Easy, I just make the person in question no longer my problem. If a woman of mine cheats, she knows where the door is.
Author sunlover Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I am seeing an engaged man. His fiancé is stuck in a different country (visa problems). So they are not intimate, just speak on the phone.
nofool4u Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I am seeing an engaged man. His fiancé is stuck in a different country (visa problems). So they are not intimate, just speak on the phone. And the point is?
Author sunlover Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 The point is/was stated in my original question. How do you not get bothered by your significant other speaking to another woman?
Author sunlover Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 No, they are engaged but actually are on a break and havent seen each other in 12+ months. I am the OW.
MissBee Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 How do you control your jealousy? Thoughts of your man/woman being intimate with their other significant other? I'm not sure if there are ways to do this...well healthy ways anyway. When I was in an A, I tried to put the fact that he had someone else out of sight and out of mind. It worked intermittently. Sometimes I would forget that I wasn't the one and only. But inevitably, something would come up that would remind me and I'd be upset at him, myself and the situation. Not sure if I can advise you to delude your self by simply pretending another person doesn't exist. For some OW/OM their MP tells them they are not involved with the BS in any romantic way anymore, and whether or not it is true, I'm sure that helps toward the end of not feeling as jealous. If however, your partner doesn't tell you this and is open about the fact that he indeed is romantically involved...then you have to stretch yourself even more to forget this fact. It's harder to find ways to get rid of jealousy, than it is to choose a relationship that doesn't have a built-in dynamic that fuels jealousy.
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 How do you control your jealousy? Thoughts of your man/woman being intimate with their other significant other? When one has an affair with a MM or MW, it should be expected and assumed that they at times will have sex and be intimate with their spouse. Either accept that and don't let yourself think of them together, or end it and find a guy who will focus just on you. If you can't handle it, and your jealously/hurt/pain is ruining what you share with him during your affair, then Do end it.
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 The point is/was stated in my original question. How do you not get bothered by your significant other speaking to another woman? So you have a problem with him speaking to his fiance and also other women too? Affairs are not honest. They are based on lies, hiding and deceiving. And on the expense of the unsuspecting spouse.. So you know he is capable of lying and deceiving, this is why you have trust issues with him and feel jealous. You know he isn't going to be faithful and committed to you. So, why continue on with him? He's engaged. What happens when she comes back? Have you thought ahead or asked him if he plans on ending his engagement with her? Or does he plan on marrying her and continuing on with the affair, keeping you as his side dish as the OW?
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I am seeing an engaged man. His fiancé is stuck in a different country (visa problems). So they are not intimate, just speak on the phone. No, they are engaged but actually are on a break and havent seen each other in 12+ months. I am the OW. So, which is it? They are on 'break' which means they both can screw around with other people? Or is this HIM telling you they're on break (lie) and this way he can mess around while she's getting her visa? Being stuck in another Country is completely different than them being on a 'break.' He's lying to you about that.
Author sunlover Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 They are engaged but i guess assume each other are doing their own things. The chances of her coming back are very slim; she has a record and have been told no by every lawyer. Its not like shes just waiting on papers...
MissBee Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 They are engaged but i guess assume each other are doing their own things. The chances of her coming back are very slim; she has a record and have been told no by every lawyer. Its not like shes just waiting on papers... Well if that's the case....then why doesn't he just break it off? If she has no visa and he doesn't plan to move away to be with her, then he should perhaps break it off, esp if he's seeing you. What's the purpose of still being engaged or getting married? Has he said he doesn't love her anymore and doesn't want to marry her? I ask because if he still loves her, and she's stuck somewhere else, that is something neither has control over, and if he's still talking to her all the time on the phone etc...he may very well be using you as a space-filler while she's not around. How did your relationship start? How long has it been going on? What does he say about your future as a couple? 2
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 They are engaged but i guess assume each other are doing their own things. The chances of her coming back are very slim; she has a record and have been told no by every lawyer. Its not like shes just waiting on papers... And you know this because he told you so..You really don't know if that is the truth. And you are assuming, which means you really don't know for sure if they are on break or not.
Got it Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 How do you control your jealousy? Thoughts of your man/woman being intimate with their other significant other? I may not be the best person for this as I really don't feel jealousy very often but I think if you are feeling it, it is a warning signal for you. It may be how you look at things, an internal issue, or a how someone is behaving towards you, an external issue. And then come to a point to reconcile it. I don't remember as the OW being jealous of his wife. I knew of one time they had sex. We had an agreement then wouldn't have sex but I was pragmatic enough to know that may not end up being the case. For me, living at home brought in the possibility that it may happen. For me my lack of jealous was tied to the context of our situation. Different circumstances may have brought forth other feelings. If I was feeling jealousy I would look at how to reconcile the issue or whether it was a dealbreaker. 1
Author sunlover Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 We've been seeing each other for 6 months, intimate for 5 months. I know the information about her visa status & their break because: he has been brutally honest per my request, i know his sister & she says yhe same thing, and we have had mutual friends since high school who all say the same thing. Why doesnt he call it off? I dont know, im sure he still loves her & doesnt want to break her heart. The visa status is nothi.g anyone can control, but its not my place to say to break it off. I think that her inability to come back will cause that to happen one day. But who knows. I think i need him to figure out that situation before ours, so i am trying to distance myself. He needs to break off with her before stsrting anything serious. I guess we are both hopeless romantics..!
MissBee Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I agree. I see nothing hopelessly romantic about stringing you along as he waits for his fiance's visa status. Question: do you think that if his fiance's status were to magically work out, he'd still be with you? I'm seriously asking you to consider this. If tomorrow she could get her visa, do you think he'd tell her: just kidding and not marry her and be with you or do you think he'd tell you that he's just kidding about this whole thing and go be with her? I agree that you need to distance yourself and let him figure out his life. A man with so much attention elsewhere doesn't make a good partner for a relationship...and this is even men who work a lot or have some other obligation, so how much more confusing is it when his other obligation is a fiance with visa issues. It makes it difficult to know where you really stand and why he's doing what he's doing. To me it honestly comes off like a Plan B type situation. You guys have only been involved 6 months...it is still waaay early and I agree you should step back and allow him to end his relationship before you get deeper and deeper with him. 1
Capris Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 (edited) ..I think i need him to figure out that situation before ours, so i am trying to distance myself. He needs to break off with her before stsrting anything serious. I guess we are both hopeless romantics..! Great! Its wonderful that you are keeping your distance as he really does need to sort things out with her before he continues with you. I bolded this part, just to tell mostly others(cause you seem to get it) the twisted silent truth about this statement: .. but its not my place to say to break it off. I used to say that too. We find it ok to be in a place where he cheats on her with us, yet we dont find it ok to ask him for a divorce or break up or whatever. I hope everyone sees the "tiny letters" in this statement. It may not be our place to end what they have,although theoretically we are already in a wrong "place", but it is our place to stand up for what we want and thats a single guy. Stay strong on keeping your distance, its tough! edit: About the hopelesly romantic. Affairs tend to give you that feeling. The secrecy, the hiding, the "oh we are meant to be together, but the situations doesnt let us", love will find its way and so on...Dont get me wrong, its a wonderful feeling! Just be carefull on tying everything to this feeling. Try to be honest to yourself. make yourself a promise that if the bad times are more often then the good, leave for good. Also i agree with MissBee. Edited July 15, 2012 by Capris
Author sunlover Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 Thank you. Yes, keeping distance is tough. Especially when you have mutual friends. But, I try to bring my own car & resist the temptation to.accept an offer to go to his place. For awhile, I didnt want to stay away because I felt that maybe he would find another girl. But, that is no reason for me to stay. He'll come find me if I am what he wants. No need to chase! 3
Capris Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 Thats great!! keep up the good work!! You seem that you know what you are doing and im happy for you! I used to have that fear too. Now when i look back on those days im like "what??afraid he might find a new girl??And i was with a man that i thought so little of his feelings towards me?"... No chase indeed!! Go go go!Live your life as if he isnt in it, if he wants in, he must make the effort!You already have shown your intensions!! Focus on you!
nofool4u Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 The point is/was stated in my original question. How do you not get bothered by your significant other speaking to another woman? You are the other woman. Shouldn't this question be asked by his fiance? You put yourself in the situation of being with someone who is engaged. You take what comes with that.
Author sunlover Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Well of course she doesnt know about her fiances affair for the past 5 months. They may not ever be together, so I want us to work out.
SomedayDig Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 As the other woman, I think you gave up the right to jealousy. Or didn't you read that part in the manual? Seriously, though...your man seems to be cowardly in that he won't simply leave his fiance for you. What does that say about you? How "special" are you really to him? I think if you find a single guy who appreciates you for who you are, you would be in a much better place.
Author sunlover Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 I do understand that as the OW I give up the validity for being jealous. Its just tough sometimes. Now, I know I am playing devils advocate here, but what would you do? if you had a fiance and someone in your life for 5 years....would it be so easy for you to break it off?
MissBee Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 (edited) I do understand that as the OW I give up the validity for being jealous. Its just tough sometimes. Now, I know I am playing devils advocate here, but what would you do? if you had a fiance and someone in your life for 5 years....would it be so easy for you to break it off? I don't have the energy, time, emotional disconnect etc to maintain two lives. When I first started dating, I could date multiple guys at once and didn't tell them about each other; and granted I was free to, as we weren't exclusive and I wasn't having sex with any of them; but that was still stressful for me to divide my time and emotions between more than one person and also keep the fact a secret. So if I were engaged: 1. I'm not gonna be engaged to some man I'm not head over heels with and dying to marry and 2.If I didn't want to marry him anymore, for some reason, while it wouldn't be easy to break it off, I'd have to and I would communicate about it. I'm pretty forthright about my feelings in a relationship and I imagine if it got to the point of deciding to marry, he'd be someone who I'm always sharing my feelings with, so once I was unsure, he'd hear it. It's a waste of time to pretend to want to marry someone, while secretly dating another. It gives me a huge headache to imagine. I'm pretty authentic and how I now conduct my romantic life is such that I don't see how that would happen....that I could be engaged, dating another man and hiding it. It's a complete waste of time. Life's too short to not only string someone else along, but two people, and also it would be halting my own full happiness and freedom if I place myself in such limbo.So for me, although breaking up isn't ever easy, maintaining two relationships and eventually devastating one or both people is even harder in the end. I'd suck it up and break it off instead of avoiding, which is actually only temporary, and only leads to greater drama. Edited July 17, 2012 by MissBee 1
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