Kathyy28 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I had posted this on the breaks and break-up session, but I just realized that it probably belongs more to this session. Advice will be greatly appreciated! A little background on the relationship: I've been in a relationship with someone who I've started talking to since January. I recently broke up with him this past Wednesday. We generally had a good relationship, and a much healthier one compare to my last. We both fell in love very quickly which obviously make things harder for me right now. We have a long distance relationship while I'm in school in Florida, but I've been home two months now and will be leaving back to school next month. While I live in FL he usually flies out every month to visit me for the weekend. He works at the airport, so his benefits have definitely been very useful for us. What led to the break up: I have a problem with 2 of my boyfriend female friends. I'll refer to them as J and S. It isn't a jealousy thing, because he has a lot of very attractive female friends who he hangs, talks to on the phone and texts. The reason on why I dislike them is because they are very disrespectful towards me and my relationship with him. I trust my boyfriend with the fact that he would never cheat on me with them. But I have caught my boyfriend lying to me when it comes to them, and talking to them and hanging out with them behind my back. J and S don't know each other, so it's not a group hang out. A few months ago my boyfriend had told me that he doesn't mind that I hang out with my guy friends, but as long as I'm not hanging out with them alone at night. I saw where he was coming, and I agreed with him and we both agreed that we we both can hang out with our friends from the opposite sex but as long as it's in the day time. This past weekend I caught my boyfriend lying to me about his communication towards the two females. I could get into the story on why his lie affected me so much, but I just want to narrow it down to the fact that he had told me that J was out of the picture and I came to find out that when he was ignoring my calls was because he was on the other line with her. At first he told me that he was on the line with his dad, then he said his mom and at the end he admitted that he was talking to J. Also on Sunday he had told me he was staying at home and if not he was coming to my house for a BBQ, and after I didn't hear from him that night till after midnight, I came to find out that he was at S house. Again, I know he is not having an affair with neither one of them because J lives with her boyfriend and S just had a baby, although she doesn't live with the father of her baby, she is still trying to work things out with him. The fact that he lied to me about them really bugs me, and it makes it really hard for me to trust him. On Wednesday right before I broke up with him I had caught him in another "white lie" that had to do with S. His stories doesn't match up and whenever I catch him he gets frustrated, tells me another version of the story and makes me feel guilty by telling me that I don't believe him, or whatever he tells me. I told him that maybe if he tells me one version of a story and stick to it then I won't ever have a reason to question him. His mom was in the bathroom which is right next to his room, and he decided to raise his voice at me and punch the floor "he was sitting on the floor". He has never done that before, and I felt that he just did it to put on a show in front of his mom. I grew up in a household where neither one of my parents had yelled at each other or where violent. So the fact that he yelled at me and punched something made me really nervous and I started crying. After I took 10 deep breaths to cool down I got up and told him that I no longer want to be in a relationship where he feels the need to lie to me and where I feel very disrespected. His response was "Okay. Well I was going to apologize for yelling at you, but I guess there's no need for that since you just broke up with me." We both were in complete silence for over an hour until he brought me home. I was crying the whole way home and he never said a thing to me. Once he dropped me off he completely sped off. I wish I wasn't crying in front of him, but ever since I got the Implanon ( a type of birth control) inserted a few weeks back, I've been very emotional so I've been crying a good amount. I have not herd from him since Wednesday, and I'm not sure if I should bother calling him and work things out with him, or wait if he calls. I'm not sure if I over exaggerated by breaking up with him or not. My last break up my parents advice me to not call my ex because he was the one who broke up with me, and if he wanted me back he'll find me. This time that I was the one who broke up with my current but now ex, they tell me that I although I broke up with him I should not contact him because if he cares enough for me, he'll find me. My mom told me that if we do get back together, as long as I know he won't cheat on him then don't ever questioned him about who he's been with, or where, or when. Because I'll probably won't get an answer that I'll be happy with. I realize that my ex only lies to me to avoid any arguments. But I feel that if I found out that he lies to me, it makes the argument even worse cause trust gets broken. Thank you all for taking the time to read this.
rayne05us Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 My advice is to let him come to you. He's lying for some reason and you don't want that. Have you tried being friendly with these friends of his. That may make the turnaround all together. I've been through that recently and it's REALLY hard. Hopefully he will realize he shouldn't have lied to you but you HAVE to work on your communication with him. If you do get back together with him, try inviting these girls out or over for a party etc....and becoming friends with them or FRIENDLY with them. 1
darkmoon Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I agree with your Mom; too, please date others meanwhile if only to amuse yourself, i once dumped a fiance cuz he shouted at me, no decent guy should show force it doesn't augur well for a happy marriage 1
Author Kathyy28 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 My advice is to let him come to you. He's lying for some reason and you don't want that. Have you tried being friendly with these friends of his. That may make the turnaround all together. I've been through that recently and it's REALLY hard. Hopefully he will realize he shouldn't have lied to you but you HAVE to work on your communication with him. If you do get back together with him, try inviting these girls out or over for a party etc....and becoming friends with them or FRIENDLY with them. Thank you so much for responding. I actually tried becoming friends with the both of them. J started on my bad side because before I even met her she had already insulted me. She had called my boyfriend while I was with him and he had her on speaker phone when she kept on referring me as a "bitch". My boyfriend just laughed it off and when I told him I felt disrespected because she had never even met me, he told me that that's just how she is. That she refers everyone as a "bitch" and a "nigga". Which I find very ignorant since she is not even African American. I decided to brush off the comment and still wanted to Meet her and get a better vibe from her. She then proceeded to ask my boyfriend to go away to NY with her for the weekend which I thought was very rude considering that he is now in a relationship and she is too. My boyfriend had of course said no. Although I didn't like that, I still tried giving her a third chance. The third time she had asked my boyfriend to go clubbing with her and her boyfriend. She had excluded me, but I didn't mind cause my boyfriend and I had already promise my friend to go clubbing with her for her birthday. I wanted to be nice and told my boyfriend to invite her and her boyfriend to come along. She had agreed, and from the moment we picked them up she completely ignored me. This was the first time I met her in person. I tried making convo with her and she only gave me one word answer. But then again she would talk an laugh with my boyfriend and her boyfriend and I felt that she just tried to exclude me. My boyfriend told me that she's never like that and to give her a last chance. I tried by telling him to plan a double date for us all to go to dinner, but she didn't want to, so now I stopped trying. I actually didn't mind S until Monday when I came to find out that she was being very fake with me. I had called her on Sunday night to tell her that I don't want her to think I have a problem with her, but that my boyfriend and I have a mutual agreement that we won't hang out with someone from the opposite sex late at night. Honestly she was such a sweetheart! She said that don't worry about it, that she understands as a woman where I'm coming from, and that she's like that with her boyfriend. We ended the convo with the conclusion that I'll respect her as his friend and that she'll respect me as a girlfriend. I even told my boyfriend I respect her for be a loyal friend to him by trying to cover up for him. We ended the convo in good terms as if we were best friends! Well not best friends, but you get the point haha. On Monday my boyfriend and I went to the park and he told me that he spoke to her that morning and she told him how she thinks I'm a psycho girlfriend and that he should break up with me. My jaw literally fell to the floor since 12 hrs before me and her had ended I'm good terms. I felt that she was being very fake towards me and I found it very messed up how she tried to convince him to break up with me. I honestly don't know how I could befriend her after this. My motto have always been " if you can't beat them, join them. " I tried joining them by befriending them, but they have made it a mission impossible to make that happen.
Author Kathyy28 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 I agree with your Mom; too, please date others meanwhile if only to amuse yourself, i once dumped a fiance cuz he shouted at me, no decent guy should show force it doesn't augur well for a happy marriage Thank you so much for your input. I just wish that he would at least give me a genuine apology and if he does try to win me over, I would want this break up to teach him a lesson that he needs to think twice before yelling at me again. Because if I was able to leave him once for it, I could do it again. 1
Author Kathyy28 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 I just activated my FB for the first time in months, and saw some of our mutual friends post pictures of him from the past two days having fun and enjoying his single life. I guess I got the answer that I needed by seeing that. Therefore I won't be the one trying to reconcile with him anymore. Thanks again for the advice.
ZhaoZilong5 Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I'm going to try and look at this objectively, even though we're talking about relationships. You don't know how he's handling the break-up. For all you know, he's probably asking for advice and receiving the same thing. Have fun, live his life, and move on unless you come back. I feel like once you've healed and can contact him without being hurt, then do so. Yeah, these games (let's face it, relationships are a game the moment we start dating because we're constantly hiding so many things) are sometimes necessary when one party doesn't want to reconcile at first. In this case, you're the dumper, and you don't know if he wants to reconcile or not. Honestly, I'd say wait until you've calmed down a bit and have decided for sure if you truly want to be with him. You are the dumper, and I'm not sure how much you two have communicated about his "white lies." There's a difference between white lies and cheating. Maybe he didn't want you to be jealous over nothing, although that would be unfair to you considering he doesn't want you hanging out with guys alone. Maybe he was actually up to something or did something wrong. That's something you need to figure out after you figure out if you feel like he's worth working through things for. This is coming from a guy whose ex used to love me but then decided to break up with me to date other guys. I have all the right to be jaded as hell, but I still advocate at looking at things from both sides and knowing the situation for sure before acting.
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