Men cry too!

[The Tallest One]

It's been seventeen days since my ex gf dumped me. Been really hurting more than usual last two days and finally for the first time I broke down and had a little cry. Just want this pain to go away but I know all too well that it will take time. Even though I know I'm better off without ex, it still hurts and It's hard not to think of her a lot!

 

Been hard last four years since my ex wife left me. Battled severe depression for a year or so. Spent two months in mental health facility after attempted suicide. This caused my ex to drastically limit my time with our two sons which only lead to more gut wrenching pain.

 

After two years of seperation, started dating and finally met a wonderful women. But the fifteen months we were together was a roller coaster relationship because she couldn't decide half the time if she wanted to be with me or not. There was also a second suicide attempt during this time which again I saught professional help for.

 

Now I'm back to being alone, only seeing my youngest son on Saturday's and the oldest won't see me without his mother present because he has anxiety issues. I only saw him three times last year and it kills me everyday.

 

Just desperately want to be happy. Tired of hurting, being depressed and lacking joy in my life. So lonely!!! Sorry, just had to let this all out!

 

Thanks for listening!

[Acrobaticdealer]

You've had a really rough road mate but that road can wind along into paradise if you work on it.

 

You obviously have a few problems going on at once which must be really tough. Terribly tough even.

 

Good news is, everything is solvable.

Doesn't matter how ****ty life gets, you always have time to make things right.

Don't ever consider ending your life. You are precious and you will mean alot to many people, even if some of them don't act like it now.

 

If I were you, I'd pinpoint what issue is currently hurting you the most.

Where you happy when you were with your ex? Did it interfere with your relationship with your sons at all?

 

Try and tackle it one step at a time.

 

Your Saturday visits to your son. Is there anything you can do about that? Legally or through your ex wife?

Does she now have trust issues becuase of your previous issues?

 

I'm here for you if you want to talk.

[The Tallest One]

Hi Chrisshennan, thanks for the reply. Yes I was very happy with ex gf, happiest I'd ever been except for the times she would pull back and say she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. This would last a few days until she would come back and we would resume things as usual. This did happen many many times during the fifteen months we knew each other and it hurt every time.

 

Gf never interfered with my kids and I. Her and I would see each other every other week for many months due to her wanting to spend time with her own daughter. But over time she would go anywhere from two to as much as five or more weeks between seeing me which was also hard to deal with.

 

I guess being dumped recently is what's hurting the most right now. Trying hard to not think of her and just move on, but it's not easy.

 

I always struggle letting go even when I know it's over. Even if it's the best thing for me. I have work to do on my self esteem.

[CopingGal]

TallestOne,

 

I'm so sorry for all of your pain. Have you considered the fact that you might be co-dependent? As I said in another thread, break ups are tough on most people. If you are a co-dependent, a break up can feel excruciating.

 

Have you read any books on co-dependency or asked a therapist about that?

 

When people take break ups so, so, so badly...it's what keeps them in the relationship even though they don't need to be. They can't stand the thought of the pain a break-up brings.

 

Also, you were separated for two years, but were you healed before you got involved with someone else?

 

Why were you not divorced before you got involved with someone else?

 

How do you see yourself?

 

How is your self-esteem?

 

Do you like yourself? Do you like spending time with yourself?

 

I think you should work on yourself and stay out of relationships.

Edited July 14, 2012 by CopingGal

[The Tallest One]

Hi Coping Gal, I have thought a lot about the very things you have mentioned. I might have co-dependancy issues? I think I'm a very good person with a lot of love to give but it's true, my self-esteem has never been all that good. I have a therapist who I will be seeing this Monday and I will discuss this with him.

 

I feel kind of empty inside. I don't think I had fully healed after seperation either, but at least last gf helped me get over her. I didn't want to wait till I was divorced until I started dating, didn't like being alone.

 

I do plan on staying away from relationships unti I get my life sorted out better. Need to focus on me and my kids for now. Cheers!

[k100danny]

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I too suffer with depression due to being highly anxious. It is a lot more serious than people think and a lot of people just don't understand it.

 

I have therapy for my anxiety and if there is one thing i have learned is that NOBODY can save you or make you well. I know loneliness is awful especially when we feel at our lowest in depression but you really need to get happy within yourself before you can be truly happy with another. I know it's hard and you will probably suffer a lot during the next few months but you will feel better.

 

Work on yourself, I would say find interests and a good social circle of friends I know this can be hard when you get a bit older and people are marrrie ect so joining a sport group or something would be good. Also excercise and diet play a huge roll in depression and increase serotonin naturally. This will also give you more self confidence, I know when you are depressed you dont want to do anything at all but start small, a walk, a 5 minute jog, set yourself some personal bests ect. People are happiest when they feel they are working toward something. This is a fact, when you feel like you are accomplishing goals you feel more satisfied. I would suggest this is the way to look at your recovery as a challenge that you will overcome. It won't all be forward steps but ask yourself these questions (sorry if they sound harsh):

 

If there was something you could do to make yourself feel better would you do it?

 

Do you want to get well or do you just HOPE to get well?

 

a lot of people wishing they were well for wanting to be well, I know this is hard to accept but there ARE things you can do to help yourself. This is YOUR life and you might not have been dealt the best hand but neither have I. I spent a lot of timing blaming things for the way I am, Blaming how I feel on why I was unhappy and it took many years for me to realise that I am the ONLY person who can change it.

 

I'm sorry if you found that hard to read. I am not judging you or being rude in anyway I'm just telling you what i truly feel. YOU are the only person who can take care of you and YOU can do it. Keep your head up and work on yourself, make yourself happy and then only let someone in if they increase your happiness. don't settle for less it will bring down your confidence.

 

I hope you get well soon

[The Tallest One]

k100danny, thank you so much for your reply. I didn't find any of it harsh only helpful. I really do want to move forward in life and make it the best one I can. I have a support group through the week I go to sometimes, will try and go more. I am also on two prescription drugs, one for depression, one for o.c.d and anxiety.

 

I go for walks everyday and will soon resume lifting weights. I am also trying to increase my social circle, trying to find groups in the area to join. This site is also a nice place to turn to for support and interaction. It's nice hearing from people like yourself.

 

Cheers!

[k100danny]

I am also on a medication for anxiety and depression, a low dose and I'm not sure if it helps But my plan is to work on myself and withdraw the medication. I am in no way suggesting you do this as i do not know a lot about the severity of your condition or am in any way a medical professional.

 

There is a very good book to help with anxiety condition called the anxiety and phobia workbook, this is very helpful. you have to be dedicated to change but you can do it. medication will help you until you feel strong enough but you will have to deal with your issues this is something i learnt after many years.

 

Take a look at the book, i dont think it's greatly expensive and is available all over the world (im in the uk)

 

Do you have many friends if you don't mind me asking? My anxiety has led me to avoid a lot of social interactions and this isnt healthy for depression although it feels like we cant concentrate and want to be alone when we feel bad this is counter productive 100% a good support person is always vital. Are you on good terms with your ex wife? It must be very hard with limited time with your children and the fact a lot of people stigmitize people with depression and anxiety like we are dangerous is not very nice for us.

 

I am a great person, I'm nice and I try to please people I am just sad and scared, anxious. this doesnt make me a bad person this is the way you should feel. treat yourself with kid gloves because there is nothing more fragile than you (and your children of course)

[CopingGal]

Hi Coping Gal, I have thought a lot about the very things you have mentioned. I might have co-dependancy issues? I think I'm a very good person with a lot of love to give but it's true, my self-esteem has never been all that good. I have a therapist who I will be seeing this Monday and I will discuss this with him.

 

I feel kind of empty inside. I don't think I had fully healed after seperation either, but at least last gf helped me get over her. I didn't want to wait till I was divorced until I started dating, didn't like being alone.

 

I do plan on staying away from relationships unti I get my life sorted out better. Need to focus on me and my kids for now. Cheers!

 

 

HI Tall man. It's not a question of being alone, Tall man. Most people don't like to be alone. But if you don't take out time to distance yourself from the broken relationship, chances are you can end up in the exact situation or worse. That's how I ended up with the person I was with. IF I had taken the time to really process the break-up, read the books, do the exercises, it's very possible that when my next bf came along, I would have had a higher self-esteem and would have left him before the end of our first year.

 

Glad you are taking time out to get yourself together and focus on you and your kids.

[JesseMartin]

Hey man,

 

I think it's awesome you're engaging in the community and I think the warm and understanding replies are a sneak peak of what you can expect in real life too.

 

Right now for you, being around close friends and family is going to be important. There are people out there that love you, and you need to get in touch with them, because it feels good to be reminded that people love you.

 

People here, and in general, advise to take this time to focus on yourself. I agree with that, there is one caveat: Don't pursue happiness.

 

What? Yeah, I'm serious. Happiness by itself CANNOT be your goal. Depressed people say stuff like "I just want to be happy". Happiness is a byproduct of accomplishing things you want to accomplish and doing things you want to do. THOSE THINGS should be your goal.

 

You say you want to start lifting weights again. Break that down into a short term goal (first gym session) and longer term goals (weight gained, sessions per week completed etc.) Your mind and body form this goal pursuing machine, and as soon as it's running, the byproduct is happiness. Make sure you give it some good goals!

 

Keep engaging us, and do the same in the real world with real people. A break up hurts, but it'll make you a stronger, better person at the other end, I promise.