nofool4u Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) ............ Edited July 23, 2012 by nofool4u responded to wrong post
nofool4u Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Back to the question of the thread, "is there a such thing as deserved infidelity?" Only time it is deserved is when two cheaters are together. Other than that, no, there is not such thing. Its just an excuse to cheat. I sure wouldn't want someone that had this way of thinking, wondering if I didn't do everything just perfect, because no relationship is, if they'd use it as an excuse to cheat. The proper response to a relationship you don't have respect for is to leave. That way you can keep your integrity intact. I wouldn't want any woman that has cheated, no matter what they think is an excuse.
Lostinlife4now Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I will never understand when new people come here and post their reality that posters like yourself can't put your situation aside and give advice based on what others are saying. You can't, because unless you have been in a situation like this, you can't know what it's like to be abused emotionally. I think before you come out attacking ones credentials as a wife without knowing the straight up facts about what an abuse victim goes thru...don't judge or pass off your situational feelings onto others. Because us new posters then want to know why a WS who has been on LS since 2007 hasn't done anything to fix her own problems. Well why would she or he??? I mean people who cheat are the f'd up ones in the M. They are the only ones who need to be fixed. That mentality is why WS are still so angry and can't get passed the A or being cheated on. No you may not be the one who stepped out on ur marital vows...but I can sure as hell bet that you are not perfect or don't have your own issues that a good therapist can fix. I'm not attacking you as a person. I'm just trying to make a point that hello...in a situation like one that PAWPAW explains, as in my case also...we don't think in rational terms. We can't at that moment. Our reality in our M is soooo f'd up that normal is scary. Go watch Shawshank redemption, imagine you are in that prison for yrs and when you're released why you'd committ suicide. Of you can't understand it...don't judge it. For some it's a reality. For us who have lived in our own hell and know nothing different. For those of us who have been beaten down so much mentally that we don't know our self worth. It's sad. And people who are a abusers are sick. And I was a great wife for 15 yrs. I was available for my H's needs 24/7...that's what also made me an enabler. I couldn't understand why he didn't love me yet people from the outside saw it. They saw the house I lived in, they saw how he praised me in public, and yes people like us question our own gut. We kno something is wrong but we can't figure it out. So why did I cheat??? I did it because I met a guy who was dealing with the same type of person in his M. We discussed often what was different about our R at times. It was the "normalcy" of it that felt wonderful. And very hard to give up right or wrong. We weren't cheating to get revenge but to feel normal. Again...if u can't understand it...you are either lucky to have never been in an abusive M or can only see the shoes u and others like you wear. That's fine. I didn't get it either until I had my A. My A made walking out of the prison not so intimidating. It let me see the world for what it should be and not for what I had been experiencing for all of my adult life. I became a rational person once I experienced normal and was able to see my M for what it truly was and how being a good wife doesn't just mean taking care of your H...it means I too deserve to take care of myself. Right or wrong...how people perceive my and PAWPAW's reality as it is...doesn't make it right for you to criticize us for the poor choices we made. Not based on your personal experience. I pray that I don't need to come her for 5 yrs. actually I know I won't because I am doing everything to learn from my experience. The OP is making the first step in writing this post. I pray that people like you and others who attack her character based on her having cheated don't prevent her for addressing the real problems she has. Cheating is something she does need to understand is not the solution to being in a M like this...but hopefully she will see it as a wake up call to who she really is not. Hopefully she will see that life is soooo much better when u can face the real issues in the way we've grown to see ourselves in our M. And use the experience of the A as a tool to move forward with herself worth and esteem. The work is heart wrenching to acknowledge our own problems. Acknowledging and owning the A has been the easy part. Sadly when you are M to a person with such narcissistic traits that don't see the A as anything but how it has hurt their ego. My H puffed out his chest when I confessed. In his head he won. What exactly did he win??? Def not the W he had before the A. But now he had something to use as his excuse for all the problems he still had if I wasn't being submissive to his bad behavior. To this day...he happy in his reality as long as he thinks he's winning. That is the game I've had to learn to play in order to get out of my M. And for those of you who think just leaving is so easy...try leaving when you're being weighed down by yrs of abuse. Try leaving even when u have confronted it and are now fighting to get out. It's easy to prove physical abuse...try to prove emotional abuse as a long term victim when you are constantly questioning your own reality because abusers are so good at distorting it to make you doubt your own sanity. I have been to many doctors trying to see what meds I need to be on to fix me, so that my reality is what my H's has put in my head. And I can't find one professional that sees me as depressed or anxious. But my H is still looking for my quick fix. He hates therapists because they are the problem. Maybe he's right, along with all the people who post and criticize our character and define us by our cheating. To me you are no better then my H...stuck in your own reality and instead of looking at yourself...it's easier to blame all your problems on people like us. Some may accept it but not this girl. I own, acknowledge feel remorse and have taken steps to better myself. That is all I owe anything to myself and ultimately for my kids. EXCELLENT POST!!!!!!!!! AMEN!!!!! So very well stated. Thank you!!!! 1
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