Is there a such thing is as deserved infidelity?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Just take your husband for half of all he's earned, and move on with your life.

 

Your husband deserves it (your taking him for half of what (was, up until soon) his) (in this case).

[Silly_Girl]

Why lower yourself to his level?

 

I didn't. It wasn't what I wanted for myself. But that wasn't my point.

[frozensprouts]

The horse comes before the cart and in this instance, it's the abuse. You are blase about it, don't realize the seriousness of it, don't realize what it has done to you over the years. I don't give a crap that your husband has never hit you, emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad. Your husband is not a good man, no kind of abuse is acceptable and he is an ass for abusing you.

 

The affair is just a byproduct of your low self esteem and passiveness and no it's not OK, even though your husband is a abusing ass, it is still wrong.

 

Please stay away from your husband and the om, get with an IC who has experience in the long term affects of abuse so you can get strong and come to understand that you are deserving of being treated lovingly and abuse of ANY KIND is NOT acceptable. Please do this for yourself because happiness is within yourself it is not with either one of these men.

 

Hugs......

 

this is excellent advice...

 

it sounds like somewhere along the way you have lost "you"...you've become someone you don't seem to know anymore...

 

who are you? someone who cheats on their spouse? someone who's been abused by her husband? you may well be both those things, but underneath that, at your very core, who are you?

 

sounds like you need some time on your own to answer that question and be happy with who you are

[123321]

No there is not.

[Silly_Girl]

As amazing as it is, I agree with you SG on this.

 

Ha! I've taken a screenshot. You're doomed!

 

Why, because I detest abusers and I don't give a hoot if it's emotional/verbal or physical. Abuse is abuse and they all have their own special kind of hell. I have no respect nor regard for them.

 

 

However I think the last thing that an abuse victim should do is cheat on her so/spouse because it increases the likelihood that the victim will be harmed more, so it's a really stupid move on the part of a victim of abuse to have an affair. Yet I do understand why someone who is a victim of abuse is more prone to it. They have likely suffered from a lack of self esteem made worse by how ever long they suffered the abuse. They are apt not to feel strong enough to leave the situation on their own which also makes the more vulnerable to an affair.

 

I'm not sure if they're more prone, you know - on a statistical count, but I think the emotional barometer is not so reliable so maybe it's harder to have perspective or to understand the full picture. Sort of similar to a rebound relationship, too much too soon. And it (the affair) is layering more sh*t on top of layers and layers of pre-existing sh*t.

 

It's hard not to understand the OP wanting some fun, some affection, some happiness. I hope there's a happy ending in there somewhere for her.

[Taramere]

I don't think your husband deserves your infidelity, but I do think that your actions are defensible. Roll the clock back to a time when it was more common to use fault based grounds in divorce actions (and when, in addition, people were more likely to defend actions of divorce), and you would actually have the makings of a valid defence for adultery. Where I live anyway. That defence would be that he actively encouraged it (the defence is known as lenocinium).

 

I know it sounds a bit arsey to bring legalities into it, but the law - particularly family law - tends to explore and reflect social values, human flaws and those grey areas between right and wrong that trouble so many of us. Is it wrong to cheat on a partner? Yes, I think most people with a conscience and a set of ethics would agree that it is wrong. Is it defensible? Some people would say no never...I think at times it is defensible. It doesn't mean that what you've handled your situation in the best, bravest and most honourable way...but it does mean that you're not a heinous, terrible person for doing what you did.

 

My issue, I suppose, is that you're choosing to switch the emphasis away from "was it wrong for me to do what I did" to "did my husband deserve it?" I really don't think that's a helpful, fair or useful way for you to examine the situation. From what you're saying about your husband, he's certainly a walking set of problems...you've had a difficult time with him, and there are elements of abuse here and there. It's not surprising, given the circumstances, that the marriage has gone in the direction it has...but I don't think that's the same as saying "he deserved it". Getting into that mindset of seeing others as deserving of deceit or whatever other wrongdoing we inflict on them is part and parcel of objectifying them. Of abusing them.

 

It's telling that you're not asking "is my behaviour excusable/forgivable?" but instead asking "did he deserve it?" In a sense it's almost as though you're asking people on this board to condone you behaving abusively to your husband (if you take the view, as I do, that infidelity is a form of emotional abuse...albeit a more passive aggressive form of abuse than others) on the basis that he has behaved abusively to you.

 

Is it that you feel maybe you could carry on in this marriage, with the many negatives and abusive aspects that entails, as long as you feel able to do a bit of abusing yourself?

 

It sounds as though ideally you'd like to leave the marriage. You mentioned that he'd threatened your life if you go for a divorce, so perhaps you feel that avenue is closed to you. I think your best bet would be to see an individual counsellor, and also find out whether it would be possible for you to speak to the police (somebody from the Domestic Violence department - bearing in mind that threats are a form of domestic violence) without filing a complaint at this stage.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Taramere

[Spark1111]

Ok, this is how I see it.

 

You loved your H, did everything you could to turn things around and he contributed absolutely nothing to change himself.

 

On some level, you still wish you could love him whole and happy. You can't. Not possible. The only one who can do that is your H and he ain't even trying.

 

In fact, he abuses you as he blames you for all that is angering and ailing him. Mommy or daddy issues unfairly projected onto you? Maybe. Some depression too? Could be.

 

But the bottom line is he is a horrible H and lover and partner.

 

The old adage is when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will change your life.

 

Are you there yet? You should be.

 

Continue counseling until you know what you want, what your convictions are and have the courage to attain them.

 

I would divorce and NOT see the OM (in case, God forbid! he turns out to be another control freak) and figure out what PawPaw wants.

 

Good luck to you.

[frozensprouts]

cheating may actually end up allowing you to stay in an unhappy marriage and extend your unhappiness much longer that it would last otherwise.

 

Instead of either making changes in your marriage and life, you'll have the "crutch" of an affair...in other words, your other man will become an enabler...

 

the choice is yours...either make some permanent changes your life for the better, or use the affair as a "band aid" solution to your problems...which sounds better to you?

[carhill]

No there is not.

I was going to add that infidelity is no more or less deserved than abuse, relevant to the particular topic under discussion. Both parties are responsible for their own actions, mistake or not. People certainly do act in ways which they later view as mistakes but that perspective is not an absolution, rather clarity.

[Got it]

Its really not about choosing which man. Im trying to make this decision based on feelings I have towards my marriage and if "I want this" the rest of my life. I know the OM will be there, but Im trying to leave him out of my decision of wether to divorce or not. I have to do that for "ME". I just feel its so unfair for me to be in a marriage like that but hate to abandon him. Im afraid I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. Im not even sure at this point I can touch my husband intimately. Will that "want" ever return even if we went to counseling and he went to the doctor? Not sure.

 

PawPaw - your story is similar to mine except for the verbal abuse. Ultimately I looked at whether the "good" was good enough. And it wasn't. He wasn't interested in making it better and I was tired of shouldering it. I too feared how he would handle being on his own and I felt tremendous guilt for abandoning him. For me the affair was the final lightbulb moment that I had passed GO and there was no going back. For me to have an affair meant that I was done. I was not being fair to myself or my ex husband. He deserved someone that loved him more than I did and vice versa.

 

I was done. Done done. We divorced amicably and have both moved on to very satisfying relationships

[woinlove]

That's a strange reason. Should she then never date any men again in case they turn out to be control freaks?

 

The way PAW talks in such a disconnected way from her decisions, conflicted about putting up with abuse, not having control, and getting involved in a secret affair, it is clear she needs to get to a healthier place to be happy with herself. I took Spark's message to mean that she is not in a position to make healthy choices and is likely to repeat past behaviors unless she works to understand her role, her choices, her needs and how to make herself happy. I think people who are happy with themselves are in the best position to make healthy choices in partners.

[MissBee]

The way PAW talks in such a disconnected way from her decisions, conflicted about putting up with abuse, not having control, and getting involved in a secret affair, it is clear she needs to get to a healthier place to be happy with herself. I took Spark's message to mean that she is not in a position to make healthy choices and is likely to repeat past behaviors unless she works to understand her role, her choices, her needs and how to make herself happy. I think people who are happy with themselves are in the best position to make healthy choices in partners.

 

Ditto.

 

The common denominator in all your relationships is you. When you act from an unhealthy place, you pick relationships that follow suit. Likewise, when you're healthier, it transforms the people you attract and the situations you even find attractive. Worrying about dating men is the least of PAW's concerns it seems. Once she gets to a healthier and stronger place for herself, then naturally, she'll be in a better position to weed out unsuitable partners.

[Spark1111]

That's a strange reason. Should she then never date any men again in case they turn out to be control freaks?

 

Yes. She should not date until she recognizes unacceptable behaviors as unhealthy to Paw Paw.

 

Or the pattern will repeat over and over and over again as she continues to see herself as a good woman BECAUSE she stays and loves an abusive man.

 

The damaged can spot the vulnerable from miles away.

[PAWPAW]

Thank you all for your comments. It is helping me to read the discussion about my situation, especially the abuse part. It played a huge role in it all. I was so depressed and nervous before my affair that my doctor put me on a high dose of medication that numbed me. It seemed I only had "surface" feelings at the time. It seemed like deep feelings and thoughts werent even available to my mind. Has anyone been like that? Since moving out, I have gotten off meds and Im beginning to feel again, and cry again. Some days Im not sure if that is a good thing or not. But I seem content for now, but still have this sense of responsiblity to him that probably goes back to my religion that you just dont devorce your spouse. I still see my husband, we go out to eat and talk, but I have no real desire to go back home, but divorce still seems so sad to me....and at this point I still dont think I could touch him intimately.

[PAWPAW]

TO GOTIT: How long did it take you to get over guilt of leaving/divorcing ?

[123321]

I was going to add that infidelity is no more or less deserved than abuse, relevant to the particular topic under discussion. Both parties are responsible for their own actions, mistake or not. People certainly do act in ways which they later view as mistakes but that perspective is not an absolution, rather clarity.

 

Indeed, I wouldn't say she ruined the marriage, this is a crystal clear example of what I've been saying. The marriage was shot, the infidelity is, as usual, just another symptom.

[Stellar Wench]

What is your plan for dealing with your abusive H when you get caught? Just tell him that he deserved it? How do you think that will fly?

[Got it]

TO GOTIT: How long did it take you to get over guilt of leaving/divorcing ?

 

It took making the move and seeing if my fears played out. Fear is speculation on future events so it is hard to assuage them without putting a foot forward. I looked at all the circumstances, and made an educated decision. The process to get to the point to be completely done with my marriage was a number of years and repeated inactions on his end. The last year there were three events that for me were key moments where I fully reconciled everything.

 

I couldn't not be the emotional crutch for my spouse any longer. I literally felt like I was drowning and he was making no attempts to make it better. He was fine with the situation. The analogy that we were a square peg and round hole had been in my head for a number of years but finally came to a point of acceptance. Neither was wrong for their shape but I had no right to ask him to change his. I finally accepted this was the reality.

 

For me, therapy helped with this process. For us, ending our marriage was the right thing to do. It was the catalyst for my ex to finally get into therapy and he is very happily remarried.

 

Both parties have to invest into the marriage, it can't be one sided.

[onthefence210]

Thank you all for your comments. It is helping me to read the discussion about my situation, especially the abuse part. It played a huge role in it all. I was so depressed and nervous before my affair that my doctor put me on a high dose of medication that numbed me. It seemed I only had "surface" feelings at the time. It seemed like deep feelings and thoughts werent even available to my mind. Has anyone been like that? Since moving out, I have gotten off meds and Im beginning to feel again, and cry again. Some days Im not sure if that is a good thing or not. But I seem content for now, but still have this sense of responsiblity to him that probably goes back to my religion that you just dont devorce your spouse. I still see my husband, we go out to eat and talk, but I have no real desire to go back home, but divorce still seems so sad to me....and at this point I still dont think I could touch him intimately.

 

 

I just read this thread and your relationship with your H is exactly like mine. My H although had alcohol problems and a dead spouse to boot. He had "excuses" for all his emotional abuse and used his kids to keep me in the M. The things I went thru with him as I look back and have had to address in IC...how he started out as this great romantic, and even now how his emotional immaturity becomes so obvious to me every time he throws a 3 yr old tantrum to try to get his way. The complete dysfunction in the 21 yrs that I've known him and it took me having an A to see my faulty behavior. I too was a great wife in my own eyes. I did everything a wife should do but I was so co dependent. I enabled his behavior by staying but I couldn't leave. The intimidation and manipulation when I would try, it was paralyzing to me. So I learned to be less co dependent. I no longer accepted his behavior to be my problem to fix and instead of leaving I emotionally detached.

 

I shake my head at that thought now as I type. My H didn't deserve me and yet for so long I was told how lucky I was to have him. It boiled down to me and my own issues. When my A started I too had no clue what was happening. It was long distance so in my head it was safe. It went on for months that way until one day he was in town for work. There wasn't any planning other then getting a drink...my God seriously was I that ignorant to believe that was all it was going to be??? Yes I was so scared when I pulled up because it was then that I realized the emotional component to this A. And all I wanted was for my H to be like my xmm. I wanted that honesty that I couldnt have with my H because if I was honest about my needs or even tried to establish boundaries he would threaten my security, my family stability.

 

I rationalized the A just like you are doing now and I think for those who don't truly understand the "brainwashing" that goes along with it, we can't justify leaving when us the victims of such mental ****ery, so we escape mentally. I can't explain it, but I now understand how twisted it is and how I started out in my R with my H as a naive little girl, wanting to be just like my mom. She was beautiful, and fun and raised 4 kids. I fight every day now to not be my mother. I fight every day not to define myself as a cheater, because that is not me. To say I made a mistake...I don't justify how I did what I did, yet I don't have any regrets. I can't change what I did nor am I proud of it, but it taught me lessons that honestly I would never have learned without it.

 

I depended on my H for nothing yet I couldn't leave him and still as I finally filled out my divorce paperwork for grounds...I had a hard time telling my lawyer what he's done to me. I still want to see him as a good person because he can be. That is the narcissistic trait that keeps us second guessing ourselves. It amazes me the reality I lived in, and how my H still perceives it. It's sick.

 

I think what you have to do is get a really good IC. I mean one that starts with...ur family history. I can't even begin to tell u that my behavior mirrored my mothers and my H's mirrored my dads. No wonder why my H hated my dad...they were two egos fighting to be superior. Yikes!!! Stop trying to understand your H's behavior and trying to change ur M...it's not going to happen. You can only fix yourself and that's if you can totally be honest. Again...shaking my head at all the truths I've told. But be prepared for the backlash...staying married for 18 yrs was easier then dealing with my H not that I've done some major healing and growing emotionally. He is more abusive emotionally now that he no longer has superiority over me.

[MoneyWorld]

Just because someone explains their actions as a mistake doesn't mean they are saying there is a justification or no fault. Additionally, you can make a conscious decision on something yet later on look back and say it was a mistake.

 

To the original poster, in some ways I know where you are coming from. I was in an abusive marriage, but for mine it was a two way street - I gave as good as I got. I'm certainly not proud of it, but in hindsight I can see just how sick both of us were and how we each got sick pleasure in punishing each other to make sure neither one of us was happy. There was never any love in our relationship, just co-dependancy. I'm not saying that's where your relationship is at though, just explaining my previous marriage. I cheated and for me it helped me develop the strength I needed to get out of my marriage. I don't regret it for a moment wouldn't change a thing about it.

 

So that takes me to my point... my own personal answer to the question in the thread title. In my opinion, yes; but probably not in the way you would expect. I don't think your husband deserves or doesn't deserve the infidelity. He's a third party to it, an outsider. You aren't having an affair for him, you are having it for you. If you feel you deserve to be unfaithful to your husband, than you do. At the end of the day it's only you that you are responsible for, and only you that has 100 percent responsibility to make you happy.

 

In a perfect world, you could be happy with your husband.

In a perfect world if you aren't happy with your husband you should be able to leave.

In an imperfect world sometimes you can't do either. That's when you have to do what you have to do to be happy and fulfilled.

The world we live in is an imperfect world.

 

At the end of the day you can only control your own actions. The thing to never lose sight of though in my opinion is to always be accepting of whatever the outcome of your choices are, and that goes for everything in life, not just infidelity. Remember though that you can't control others, and others can't control you. Even if the situation were reversed and it was your husband having an affair on you, you don't run his life so he is free to make the choices he wants (whether or not he may feel some of them are mistakes after the fact). You have to decide on your path based on actions he may have taken, and vice versa if he finds out about your affair and wants to fix the marriage or leave, that's his choice. But at the end of the day you have to do what makes YOU happy.

[onthefence210]

Your husband maybe an azz. He maybe the king of azzes...what does that have to do with YOUR decision making processes? Maybe you aren't quite the wife you should have been. Maybe that is the reason he treated you like crap, if that is the rationale one is going to use. My statement makes as much sense about what you deserve as yours does about those who have been cheated on. What is your burden to bear in regards to his mistreatment of you?

 

I will never understand when new people come here and post their reality that posters like yourself can't put your situation aside and give advice based on what others are saying. You can't, because unless you have been in a situation like this, you can't know what it's like to be abused emotionally. I think before you come out attacking ones credentials as a wife without knowing the straight up facts about what an abuse victim goes thru...don't judge or pass off your situational feelings onto others. Because us new posters then want to know why a WS who has been on LS since 2007 hasn't done anything to fix her own problems. Well why would she or he??? I mean people who cheat are the f'd up ones in the M. They are the only ones who need to be fixed. That mentality is why WS are still so angry and can't get passed the A or being cheated on. No you may not be the one who stepped out on ur marital vows...but I can sure as hell bet that you are not perfect or don't have your own issues that a good therapist can fix.

 

I'm not attacking you as a person. I'm just trying to make a point that hello...in a situation like one that PAWPAW explains, as in my case also...we don't think in rational terms. We can't at that moment. Our reality in our M is soooo f'd up that normal is scary. Go watch Shawshank redemption, imagine you are in that prison for yrs and when you're released why you'd committ suicide. Of you can't understand it...don't judge it. For some it's a reality. For us who have lived in our own hell and know nothing different. For those of us who have been beaten down so much mentally that we don't know our self worth. It's sad. And people who are a abusers are sick. And I was a great wife for 15 yrs. I was available for my H's needs 24/7...that's what also made me an enabler. I couldn't understand why he didn't love me yet people from the outside saw it. They saw the house I lived in, they saw how he praised me in public, and yes people like us question our own gut. We kno something is wrong but we can't figure it out.

 

So why did I cheat??? I did it because I met a guy who was dealing with the same type of person in his M. We discussed often what was different about our R at times. It was the "normalcy" of it that felt wonderful. And very hard to give up right or wrong. We weren't cheating to get revenge but to feel normal. Again...if u can't understand it...you are either lucky to have never been in an abusive M or can only see the shoes u and others like you wear. That's fine. I didn't get it either until I had my A. My A made walking out of the prison not so intimidating. It let me see the world for what it should be and not for what I had been experiencing for all of my adult life. I became a rational person once I experienced normal and was able to see my M for what it truly was and how being a good wife doesn't just mean taking care of your H...it means I too deserve to take care of myself.

 

Right or wrong...how people perceive my and PAWPAW's reality as it is...doesn't make it right for you to criticize us for the poor choices we made. Not based on your personal experience. I pray that I don't need to come her for 5 yrs. actually I know I won't because I am doing everything to learn from my experience. The OP is making the first step in writing this post. I pray that people like you and others who attack her character based on her having cheated don't prevent her for addressing the real problems she has. Cheating is something she does need to understand is not the solution to being in a M like this...but hopefully she will see it as a wake up call to who she really is not. Hopefully she will see that life is soooo much better when u can face the real issues in the way we've grown to see ourselves in our M. And use the experience of the A as a tool to move forward with herself worth and esteem. The work is heart wrenching to acknowledge our own problems. Acknowledging and owning the A has been the easy part. Sadly when you are M to a person with such narcissistic traits that don't see the A as anything but how it has hurt their ego. My H puffed out his chest when I confessed. In his head he won. What exactly did he win??? Def not the W he had before the A. But now he had something to use as his excuse for all the problems he still had if I wasn't being submissive to his bad behavior. To this day...he happy in his reality as long as he thinks he's winning. That is the game I've had to learn to play in order to get out of my M.

 

And for those of you who think just leaving is so easy...try leaving when you're being weighed down by yrs of abuse. Try leaving even when u have confronted it and are now fighting to get out. It's easy to prove physical abuse...try to prove emotional abuse as a long term victim when you are constantly questioning your own reality because abusers are so good at distorting it to make you doubt your own sanity.

 

I have been to many doctors trying to see what meds I need to be on to fix me, so that my reality is what my H's has put in my head. And I can't find one professional that sees me as depressed or anxious. But my H is still looking for my quick fix. He hates therapists because they are the problem. Maybe he's right, along with all the people who post and criticize our character and define us by our cheating. To me you are no better then my H...stuck in your own reality and instead of looking at yourself...it's easier to blame all your problems on people like us. Some may accept it but not this girl. I own, acknowledge feel remorse and have taken steps to better myself. That is all I owe anything to myself and ultimately for my kids.

[spice4life]

I will never understand when new people come here and post their reality that posters like yourself can't put your situation aside and give advice based on what others are saying. You can't, because unless you have been in a situation like this, you can't know what it's like to be abused emotionally. I think before you come out attacking ones credentials as a wife without knowing the straight up facts about what an abuse victim goes thru...don't judge or pass off your situational feelings onto others. Because us new posters then want to know why a WS who has been on LS since 2007 hasn't done anything to fix her own problems. Well why would she or he??? I mean people who cheat are the f'd up ones in the M. They are the only ones who need to be fixed. That mentality is why WS are still so angry and can't get passed the A or being cheated on. No you may not be the one who stepped out on ur marital vows...but I can sure as hell bet that you are not perfect or don't have your own issues that a good therapist can fix.

 

I'm not attacking you as a person. I'm just trying to make a point that hello...in a situation like one that PAWPAW explains, as in my case also...we don't think in rational terms. We can't at that moment. Our reality in our M is soooo f'd up that normal is scary. Go watch Shawshank redemption, imagine you are in that prison for yrs and when you're released why you'd committ suicide. Of you can't understand it...don't judge it. For some it's a reality. For us who have lived in our own hell and know nothing different. For those of us who have been beaten down so much mentally that we don't know our self worth. It's sad. And people who are a abusers are sick. And I was a great wife for 15 yrs. I was available for my H's needs 24/7...that's what also made me an enabler. I couldn't understand why he didn't love me yet people from the outside saw it. They saw the house I lived in, they saw how he praised me in public, and yes people like us question our own gut. We kno something is wrong but we can't figure it out.

 

So why did I cheat??? I did it because I met a guy who was dealing with the same type of person in his M. We discussed often what was different about our R at times. It was the "normalcy" of it that felt wonderful. And very hard to give up right or wrong. We weren't cheating to get revenge but to feel normal. Again...if u can't understand it...you are either lucky to have never been in an abusive M or can only see the shoes u and others like you wear. That's fine. I didn't get it either until I had my A. My A made walking out of the prison not so intimidating. It let me see the world for what it should be and not for what I had been experiencing for all of my adult life. I became a rational person once I experienced normal and was able to see my M for what it truly was and how being a good wife doesn't just mean taking care of your H...it means I too deserve to take care of myself.

 

Right or wrong...how people perceive my and PAWPAW's reality as it is...doesn't make it right for you to criticize us for the poor choices we made. Not based on your personal experience. I pray that I don't need to come her for 5 yrs. actually I know I won't because I am doing everything to learn from my experience. The OP is making the first step in writing this post. I pray that people like you and others who attack her character based on her having cheated don't prevent her for addressing the real problems she has. Cheating is something she does need to understand is not the solution to being in a M like this...but hopefully she will see it as a wake up call to who she really is not. Hopefully she will see that life is soooo much better when u can face the real issues in the way we've grown to see ourselves in our M. And use the experience of the A as a tool to move forward with herself worth and esteem. The work is heart wrenching to acknowledge our own problems. Acknowledging and owning the A has been the easy part. Sadly when you are M to a person with such narcissistic traits that don't see the A as anything but how it has hurt their ego. My H puffed out his chest when I confessed. In his head he won. What exactly did he win??? Def not the W he had before the A. But now he had something to use as his excuse for all the problems he still had if I wasn't being submissive to his bad behavior. To this day...he happy in his reality as long as he thinks he's winning. That is the game I've had to learn to play in order to get out of my M.

 

And for those of you who think just leaving is so easy...try leaving when you're being weighed down by yrs of abuse. Try leaving even when u have confronted it and are now fighting to get out. It's easy to prove physical abuse...try to prove emotional abuse as a long term victim when you are constantly questioning your own reality because abusers are so good at distorting it to make you doubt your own sanity.

 

I have been to many doctors trying to see what meds I need to be on to fix me, so that my reality is what my H's has put in my head. And I can't find one professional that sees me as depressed or anxious. But my H is still looking for my quick fix. He hates therapists because they are the problem. Maybe he's right, along with all the people who post and criticize our character and define us by our cheating. To me you are no better then my H...stuck in your own reality and instead of looking at yourself...it's easier to blame all your problems on people like us. Some may accept it but not this girl. I own, acknowledge feel remorse and have taken steps to better myself. That is all I owe anything to myself and ultimately for my kids.

 

Excellent post! Best wishes and congratulations on finding the courage to not accept being treated that way! It's hard and I have been there myself. I was also raked over the coals by people who never even took the time to truly understand why I made the choices I did. And since they didn't and chose to beat me up instead, I looked at them as the ones with issues. Judging someone without fully understanding their life and the pain they were experiencing was more of a problem than the person who used the situation to learn and evolve their life.

[onthefence210]

Then that makes more sense to me...you take what u want from these posts. Make people who u clearly can put yourself in their shoes and still criticize them for the very things you admit to have done in your past. This woman is new to this addressing reality thing...cut her some slack. What because u can prop yourself up on some moral high horse of being a BS it minimizes the pain that yes was our weakness. I will never come on here saying what I did was right, nor will I excuse it because of the abuse I let happen because I was sick in my rational thought but you can't even put the act of cheating on the back burner to see what this poster or people unlike yourself who found the strength to leave (I applaud u)...So what u retaliate by saying I think I was more beaten...grow up!!!! Seriously get over yourself.

 

You see what u want to see. You are still in the victim mentality of being cheated on. I too was the BS 4 yrs after I got married. I can see how you can get stuck in that role. I too did all the things to get myself all educated, financially independent and to buildy self esteem up to at least where I no longer accepted responsibility for the abuse I got. What did that change in me??? Obviously not enough because I thought I was doing so great. That's when xmm came into my life. I was resigned to staying in my M at that point because I truly had no idea what a normal relationship looked like. So as long as I made all these changes to myself I thought...I can live with the abuse because I couldn't change him, yet I couldn't leave because the abuse then hit my weakness...my kids. I was still weak. I was still living in his reality...how he painted it. My abuse wasn't any more special then urs...I just couldn't rationalize leaving at that time. I can look back now...and wish I was who I am right now...and maybe I could have left but that is what I'm pointing out to u. You can't judge people who cheat that truly are asking for help here to understand what they just can't see yet. Good for u for getting out of your situation without compromising your values.

 

So whatever shirt you've worn...I'd highly suggest you try staying away from the one size fits all. It's that mentality that will stunt your growth. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. You don't have to absolve the person from the pain they caused you but you can at least forgive so you can be free of hate.

 

And if you can keep an open mind, take off the one size fits all cookie cutter attitude...then I think the steps forward you are making will set u free from whatever is holding u back. Maybe instead of focusing on the act of cheating itself, which there is no one in their right mind who thinks its the answer to all their problems...focus on why it is that you judge a person by that act to be who they really and when they themselves come on her questioning exactly that...

 

Good day to you!!!!

[beachbabe82]

Then that makes more sense to me...you take what u want from these posts. Make people who u clearly can put yourself in their shoes and still criticize them for the very things you admit to have done in your past. This woman is new to this addressing reality thing...cut her some slack. What because u can prop yourself up on some moral high horse of being a BS it minimizes the pain that yes was our weakness. I will never come on here saying what I did was right, nor will I excuse it because of the abuse I let happen because I was sick in my rational thought but you can't even put the act of cheating on the back burner to see what this poster or people unlike yourself who found the strength to leave (I applaud u)...So what u retaliate by saying I think I was more beaten...grow up!!!! Seriously get over yourself.

 

You see what u want to see. You are still in the victim mentality of being cheated on. I too was the BS 4 yrs after I got married. I can see how you can get stuck in that role. I too did all the things to get myself all educated, financially independent and to buildy self esteem up to at least where I no longer accepted responsibility for the abuse I got. What did that change in me??? Obviously not enough because I thought I was doing so great. That's when xmm came into my life. I was resigned to staying in my M at that point because I truly had no idea what a normal relationship looked like. So as long as I made all these changes to myself I thought...I can live with the abuse because I couldn't change him, yet I couldn't leave because the abuse then hit my weakness...my kids. I was still weak. I was still living in his reality...how he painted it. My abuse wasn't any more special then urs...I just couldn't rationalize leaving at that time. I can look back now...and wish I was who I am right now...and maybe I could have left but that is what I'm pointing out to u. You can't judge people who cheat that truly are asking for help here to understand what they just can't see yet. Good for u for getting out of your situation without compromising your values.

 

So whatever shirt you've worn...I'd highly suggest you try staying away from the one size fits all. It's that mentality that will stunt your growth. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. You don't have to absolve the person from the pain they caused you but you can at least forgive so you can be free of hate.

 

And if you can keep an open mind, take off the one size fits all cookie cutter attitude...then I think the steps forward you are making will set u free from whatever is holding u back. Maybe instead of focusing on the act of cheating itself, which there is no one in their right mind who thinks its the answer to all their problems...focus on why it is that you judge a person by that act to be who they really and when they themselves come on her questioning exactly that...

 

Good day to you!!!!

 

Wow. Your post was rude! You talk about not wanting to be judged, yet here ya are, judging that poster. Not very nice at all. I think the poster Bentnotbroken has been through a lot and look at her, trying to help people! You just come on here taking jabs at her and get all high and mighty like. You should stop being so mean to other posters, as you have not walked in her shoes. Might be a good idea to take your own advice and stop judging her. :wink:

 

Lots of people have been in abusive relationships. You aren't the only one who has been through it. Lots of ladies (and some guys) have had to deal with it and it's just awful. I did some volunteer work at a women's shelter and it was incredible to see what they have been through and how they have handled it. Some of the stories were heart breaking.

[woinlove]

Wow. Your post was rude! You talk about not wanting to be judged, yet here ya are, judging that poster. Not very nice at all. I think the poster Bentnotbroken has been through a lot and look at her, trying to help people! You just come on here taking jabs at her and get all high and mighty like. You should stop being so mean to other posters, as you have not walked in her shoes. Might be a good idea to take your own advice and stop judging her. :wink:

 

Lots of people have been in abusive relationships. You aren't the only one who has been through it. Lots of ladies (and some guys) have had to deal with it and it's just awful. I did some volunteer work at a women's shelter and it was incredible to see what they have been through and how they have handled it. Some of the stories were heart breaking.

 

Have to agree with this. Onthefence, I honestly don't even know what you are talking about in your accusations/judgements. As far as I could tell, the post by bnb you quoted simply had her pointing out that focussing on whether her husband deserves to be cheated on is not useful. Others pointed out the same thing. To focus on that keeps the OP in the mindset of questioning whether she is justified or not, good or bad, right or wrong. Not useful, imo. I think it will help her more to ask whether her recent actions and decisions are leading her to more happiness and, if not, how she can get on the path to more happiness.

 

Onthefence, you may disagree with this view of what focus is useful, and if so, argue against the view not against the poster.