Is there a such thing is as deserved infidelity?

[PAWPAW]

I know some of you may be raising an eyebrow at my post title, but, it is a legitimate question that I have. I am a new member here, I am in complete misery, Please read my story.

 

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We always got along great and were totally in love up until about 3 years ago when we started "growing apart". You see, he works alot and loves his work. He doesnt have friends he wants to go places with, he doesnt have hobbies, he doesnt have free time. He is a loner, except his time with me, which has amounted to very little the last 3 years". He has always been a little verbally abusive and controlling. But I have always overlooked that. I have always been very submissive to him and quick to change myself to make him happy.

 

So...starting with three years ago, thats when things started to change. We had a very hard year financially. He is self employed in the construction business and had very little work. I paid the bills that year and had to work extra hard in my full time job (which Ive had for 22 years) and a part time job making art at home. Even though I was working so much, he still expected full meals, spotless house (He is very OCD) and everything perfect. Although he had alot of extra time, I got very little help without his complaint. It was very stressing. Our sex life was just ok, a little dull, but it was ok.

 

With the financial strain, he became more verbally abusive, (he never hit me). I felt like I could do nothing right. Then along came his impotency probelm. Instead of going to the doctor to get this corrected, he chose not to and didnt touch me for a year. When I finally asked him to go to the doctor, he said he was done with sex and love. He actually told me at one point to "Go F___ anyone you want, you have my permission." At this point we were arguing alot and not getting along. I felt I had nothing left of him. No friendship and no intamacy. Our marriage at this point just seemed like a business deal.

 

I asked him to go to counseling and he refused and he wouldnt go to the doctor.

 

A man that works in my regional office, one who I was just casual friends with, had just divorced. I spoke with him one day at a meeting and gave him encouraging words to try and cheer him up. Telling him to "hang in there". A few weeks later he sent me an email asking about my mother...another coworker of mine told him my mother had Parkinsons disease and his mother does to. He started a conversation with me about our topic in common.

 

One thing led to another and we met for dinner just to talk. I never meant for anything to go where it did. I know this is no excuse, but I was starved for love and attention and for the touch of another human. My husband wasnt touching me at all. I had an opportunity there in front of me I knew was wrong in my heart. But we kissed.

 

That kiss as led to an affair that has gone on for 1 1/2 years. Me and the other man just recently broke it off because Im still married...and hes tired of dating a married woman. Im not sure I love my husband anymore and have been separated 8 months. I still ask him to go to counseling but he still says no. He still hasnt gone to the Doctor. And he has threatened my life twice while talking about Divorce.

 

My husband is a very good man. Hard worker, doesnt abuse drugs or alcohol, lives clean, has never been out on me, but he doesnt spend time with me, he doesnt touch me, he his very harsh in his words.

 

I just dont know what to do. I could live that way the rest of my life as his wife, but is that fair to me? Or I could divorce and go back to my other man who says he will be there. Some say that as long as I have in the back of my mind that the other man will be there that I can never give fully to my marriage, but what else can I give to someone that doesnt want to meet me half way. Does my husband deserve my Infidelity?

[woinlove]

I'm in an open M and we discuss everything, have agreed to boundaries, but these boundaries do not necessarily rule out sexual and/or romantic relationships with others. We don't lie, deceive, hide, omit, pretend with each other and there is no infidelity, in the sense of being unfaithful or disloyal to each other.

 

I'm not sure what you have, but if you are lying, deceiving, hiding or pretending to be monogamous with your H, then I would ask the question of whether you deserve to be that way? That is, do you want to be deceitful and disloyal or would you rather be an honest and loyal person? Your options include divorce or negotiating a satisfying R with your H. If you feel you have attempted the latter, putting a lot of effort and commitment into it, and failed, then divorce seems like a good solution. If you have not made the effort and commitment yet, then I would start there instead. I don't think lying and betrayal is an answer to anything and I don't think anyone deserves that, even those who lie and betray others. Better to leave such people than to return their behavior in kind.

[woinlove]

Also, I would suggest counselling for yourself, if you aren't already in it. Some of your statements (such as below) seem incredibly passive and detached from your actual decisions and actions. As an adult, you should be able to actively live you life, knowing that you are making the decisions you want, and if they turn out poorly for you, to see how you could make different decisions. Thinking things just happen to you, as if you have no control, is a symptom of denial and acting as if you have no control over your own life. Counselling could help with this.

 

One thing led to another and we met for dinner just to talk. I never meant for anything to go where it did.

 

That kiss as led to an affair that has gone on for 1 1/2 years.

[Spark1111]

Well, no. No one deserves and unfaithful spouse. No one.

 

If the marriage was bad to begin with, having an affair just lobbed a grenade into it.

 

You NEVER fix a bad marriage by turning away from your partner and turning toward another.

 

Which beggars the question: After all your attempts to improve the marriage, and all his refusals to do so, WHY didn't you separate then?

 

Why did it take finding another man to make up your mind that what was at home was not what you wanted?

[Spark1111]

Also, I would suggest counselling for yourself, if you aren't already in it. Some of your statements (such as below) seem incredibly passive and detached from your actual decisions and actions. As an adult, you should be able to actively live you life, knowing that you are making the decisions you want, and if they turn out poorly for you, to see how you could make different decisions. Thinking things just happen to you, as if you have no control, is a symptom of denial and acting as if you have no control over your own life. Counselling could help with this.

 

I agree!

 

You do sound as if you have no control, were not sure what you wanted, and just went along to get along until someone else came along.

 

Counseling will help you understand why you are making the choices you are making.

 

What do YOU want? And what do you intend to do to have the type of relationship you need?

 

Until you know in your heart the answers to those questions, you will remain adrift in a sea of dominating personalities telling YOU what to do.

[PAWPAW]

Spark1111, Finding another man has not made up my mind. And I moved out only after he threatened my life. I know it was wrong to have the affair, but humans to make mistakes. None of us are perfect in marriage decisions nor decisions in any other part of our lives. At this point I dont know where to turn. I really dont want to divorce but think I deserve an intimate loving partner. Is that too much to ask?

[scatterd]

You sound lonely in your marriage witch makes you vulnerable. Read about loneley wifes and let your husband see what you have read and how you feel. I would mention going to counseling with your husband. If you cant work it out and not happy then I would consider moving on.Try to work it out and that you are sure before considering divorce. I am sorry for you its hard to feel unwanted and you both deserve to be happy. good luck

[PAWPAW]

I am currently in counseling. i have been in counsel since I asked him to go with me the first time.

[jwi71]

I know some of you may be raising an eyebrow at my post title, but, it is a legitimate question that I have. I am a new member here, I am in complete misery, Please read my story.

 

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We always got along great and were totally in love up until about 3 years ago when we started "growing apart". You see, he works alot and loves his work. He doesnt have friends he wants to go places with, he doesnt have hobbies, he doesnt have free time. He is a loner, except his time with me, which has amounted to very little the last 3 years". He has always been a little verbally abusive and controlling. But I have always overlooked that. I have always been very submissive to him and quick to change myself to make him happy.

 

So...starting with three years ago, thats when things started to change. We had a very hard year financially. He is self employed in the construction business and had very little work. I paid the bills that year and had to work extra hard in my full time job (which Ive had for 22 years) and a part time job making art at home. Even though I was working so much, he still expected full meals, spotless house (He is very OCD) and everything perfect. Although he had alot of extra time, I got very little help without his complaint. It was very stressing. Our sex life was just ok, a little dull, but it was ok.

 

With the financial strain, he became more verbally abusive, (he never hit me). I felt like I could do nothing right. Then along came his impotency probelm. Instead of going to the doctor to get this corrected, he chose not to and didnt touch me for a year. When I finally asked him to go to the doctor, he said he was done with sex and love. He actually told me at one point to "Go F___ anyone you want, you have my permission." At this point we were arguing alot and not getting along. I felt I had nothing left of him. No friendship and no intamacy. Our marriage at this point just seemed like a business deal.

 

I asked him to go to counseling and he refused and he wouldnt go to the doctor.

 

A man that works in my regional office, one who I was just casual friends with, had just divorced. I spoke with him one day at a meeting and gave him encouraging words to try and cheer him up. Telling him to "hang in there". A few weeks later he sent me an email asking about my mother...another coworker of mine told him my mother had Parkinsons disease and his mother does to. He started a conversation with me about our topic in common.

 

One thing led to another and we met for dinner just to talk. I never meant for anything to go where it did. I know this is no excuse, but I was starved for love and attention and for the touch of another human. My husband wasnt touching me at all. I had an opportunity there in front of me I knew was wrong in my heart. But we kissed.

 

That kiss as led to an affair that has gone on for 1 1/2 years. Me and the other man just recently broke it off because Im still married...and hes tired of dating a married woman. Im not sure I love my husband anymore and have been separated 8 months. I still ask him to go to counseling but he still says no. He still hasnt gone to the Doctor. And he has threatened my life twice while talking about Divorce.

 

My husband is a very good man. Hard worker, doesnt abuse drugs or alcohol, lives clean, has never been out on me, but he doesnt spend time with me, he doesnt touch me, he his very harsh in his words.

 

I just dont know what to do. I could live that way the rest of my life as his wife, but is that fair to me? Or I could divorce and go back to my other man who says he will be there. Some say that as long as I have in the back of my mind that the other man will be there that I can never give fully to my marriage, but what else can I give to someone that doesnt want to meet me half way. Does my husband deserve my Infidelity?

 

Did you deserve years of verbal abuse and sexual neglect?

 

Of course not.

 

And he doesn't deserve your A - that's just an excuse you tell yourself to justify YOUR betrayal.

 

I would disagree that your H is "a good man" - sorry, a good man doesn't abuse and threaten his W.

 

I do agree that you remain "stuck/torn/conflicted" as long as you face this decision - which man, which path to choose. So choose.

 

If you choose the OM, file for D and be with the OM.

If you choose your H, lose the OM and return home.

 

Which is it?

[PAWPAW]

Its really not about choosing which man. Im trying to make this decision based on feelings I have towards my marriage and if "I want this" the rest of my life. I know the OM will be there, but Im trying to leave him out of my decision of wether to divorce or not. I have to do that for "ME". I just feel its so unfair for me to be in a marriage like that but hate to abandon him. Im afraid I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. Im not even sure at this point I can touch my husband intimately. Will that "want" ever return even if we went to counseling and he went to the doctor? Not sure.

[jwi71]

I know it was wrong to have the affair, but humans to make mistakes. None of us are perfect in marriage decisions nor decisions in any other part of our lives.

 

Nope. Don't whitewash this.

Your A was/is a deliberate and carefully planned series of decisions. You wanted it, planned it and executed it. While you may have entered into the initial dinner with honest intentions, you soon justified each and every decision, meeting and encounter after "crossing the line".

 

A's are not mistakes. They are carefully orchestrated conspiracies.

 

Own it.

 

At this point I dont know where to turn. I really dont want to divorce but think I deserve an intimate loving partner. Is that too much to ask?

 

Of course you deserve a loving partner. We all do.

 

That's just another weak attempt to justify your actions. That HE deserved it (revenge motive) or YOU deserve it (selfish motive).

 

Like I said above, you have a simple (not easy choice): your M and your H or the OM and D.

 

Which is it?

[darkmoon]

your husband keeps you sex-starved, affection-starved - so he's driven you to be unfullfilled and have an affair and he threatens violence - he's keeping you there thru intimidation, start a new life, unless you want this misery for ever

Edited July 13, 2012 by darkmoon

[PAWPAW]

Alot of the replies sound like they are coming from people that have been cheated on. Im sorry if that is the case. The initial meeting with the OM was not a pre-thought out affair waiting to happen. And the kiss was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. I hear alot of bitterness in replies. If my husband were the kind of husband he should have been and if had taken care of marriage needs, I would have never strayed. Maybe some folks here know in their minds if they had been the kind of spouse they should have been, they would have never gotten "cheated on". A great burden to bear, hence alot of bitterness.

[nofool4u]

Is there a such thing is as deserved infidelity?

 

Only people who deserve to be cheated on are the cheaters themselves, although I don't condone that or anyone lowering themselves to that level. Why compromise one's integrity and dating marketability?

[scatterd]

It does hurt to be cheated on and it hurts to be where you are. Do let your husband see what has been wrote about lonely wifes. No one deserves to be treated bad.

You married because you love each other and complimented each others life. You are both your own person and need to find the love you started with. Some

times we get lost and don't know how to communicate without anger. Write to each other if you have to so you

both can communicate. Good Luck hope it works.

[jwi71]

 

The initial meeting with the OM was not a pre-thought out affair waiting to happen. And the kiss was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing.

 

No one doubts, and I specifically stated, that your first dinner began innocently.

How do you explain all the other meetings for the next year and a half?

This is what YOU need to own. At some point, you made a conscious choice to cheat. To blithely wave one's hand and proclaim "mistake" is disingeniuine at best.

 

I hear alot of bitterness in replies.

 

Where?

I mean aside from YOURS (see below)

 

If my husband were the kind of husband he should have been and if had taken care of marriage needs, I would have never strayed. Maybe some folks here know in their minds if they had been the kind of spouse they should have been, they would have never gotten "cheated on". A great burden to bear, hence alot of bitterness.

 

Bitterness? Pot meet kettle.

 

And, initially in your opening post you say what a great guy your H is

Now, in the quote above, you say that a BS' being "not the kind of spouse they have been" caused the WS to stray.

 

So, which is your H?

Great?

"not the spouse he should have been (and abusive)"?

 

You seem angry. Maybe calm down and, instead of blaming others (LS, your H, flying spaghetti monster) you actually start owning your decisions.

 

If you continue like this, you'll find, shockingly enough, that people won't reply.

[PAWPAW]

My husband is a good person. He treats others well. He goes out of his way for other people. There are lots of things that make a person good. You can be a good person and suck at being a good husband.

[PAWPAW]

I have no burdens to bear. He had dinner everynight. A clean house. I mowed the yard and did all of the housework. I refilled his tea glass when he "rattled" his ice. I stood beside him and smiled as if I were the perfect wife and I was for a long time untill he became so embarrased and bitter about his sexual problems that he couldnt give something back in this marriage. I conformed to his wishes for years....untill i felt i was getting nothing in return. I have no regrets in how i treated him.

[stillwater]

Alot of the replies sound like they are coming from people that have been cheated on. Im sorry if that is the case.

 

Not I.

 

The initial meeting with the OM was not a pre-thought out affair waiting to happen. And the kiss was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing.

I don't doubt that that's how it started. But, the next 1.5 years of the A were not a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. You made a deliberate choice every time you met up with OM. You (presumably) lied to your husband about what you were doing at those times. Again, deliberate actions. In hindsight the whole thing might look like a mistake, but while you were in it you were making a conscious choice to continue the A. That's entirely on you. Own it.

 

I hear alot of bitterness in replies. If my husband were the kind of husband he should have been and if had taken care of marriage needs, I would have never strayed.

Perhaps, but that doesn't make it his fault that you had an A. Lots of people are in bad Ms and don't make the choice to have an A. They either work to fix the M, or the divorce. An A is never justified.

 

As for the general situation, from what you have described your H does not sound like a good man. He has abused and neglected you, and rebuffed your attempts at fixing the M via counseling or a dr to address his sexual problems. If he doesn't want to do anything to fix the issues in your M, divorce him. No, living in an abusive neglectful M out of some misplaced sense of duty is not fair to you.

[PAWPAW]

I guess I didnt make myself clear on why im here. Im really looking for people that are in dead marriages that feel they cant be happy if they divorce or happy if they stay married. Thats how I feel. This is my first post, maybe i started it wrong, maybe its in the wrong category. And i did want opinions on if affiars are ever deserved...think i got that one answered.

[PAWPAW]

And the initial kiss was not intended in the affair. But I let it happen even though it really caught me off guard. It was my choice to go from there. My husband hadnt KISSED me in years, I felt GOOD to be wanted by another person. People have instincts just like animals and they have needs. If needs arent met, it takes a stronger person than I was emotionally at the time to say no, after abuse and rejection.

[woinlove]

Alot of the replies sound like they are coming from people that have been cheated on. Im sorry if that is the case. The initial meeting with the OM was not a pre-thought out affair waiting to happen. And the kiss was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. I hear alot of bitterness in replies. If my husband were the kind of husband he should have been and if had taken care of marriage needs, I would have never strayed. Maybe some folks here know in their minds if they had been the kind of spouse they should have been, they would have never gotten "cheated on". A great burden to bear, hence alot of bitterness.

 

If a man treated me as you describe your H treating you, I would have left him. You chose to stay and you chose to cheat. Those are your choices, no one made you make those choices. So own them and learn from them. Shifting the blame to another person will just impede your learning how to make choices that make you happy. I'm surprised you have been in counselling for a while and yet are not able to feel connected to your own actions and decisions. Do you feel you get much out of counselling?

[woinlove]

My husband is a good person. He treats others well. He goes out of his way for other people. There are lots of things that make a person good. You can be a good person and suck at being a good husband.

 

Maybe, but you say he abuses you and that has left you saying you don't have the confidence or self-control to make decisions in your favor, you even compared your actions to an animal. No one deserves abuse (physical or emotional, including the type of emotional abuse that often accompanies the deception of an affair). You don't deserve how your H treats you and he doesn't deserve how you treat him. Time to fix things or move on. The status quo is not working.

[nofool4u]

Alot of the replies sound like they are coming from people that have been cheated on. Im sorry if that is the case. The initial meeting with the OM was not a pre-thought out affair waiting to happen. And the kiss was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. I hear alot of bitterness in replies. If my husband were the kind of husband he should have been and if had taken care of marriage needs, I would have never strayed. Maybe some folks here know in their minds if they had been the kind of spouse they should have been, they would have never gotten "cheated on". A great burden to bear, hence alot of bitterness.

 

I can see the conversation between you and a future suitor:

 

"I strayed on my husband because he didn't tend to my needs. Its his fault I cheated. So if you don't want me to cheat on you, you better do as I want"

[Silly_Girl]

Well, no. No one deserves and unfaithful spouse. No one.

 

 

I don't agree. My ex cheated so many times, beat me, hurt me. I should have left him, but if instead I had found someone else and cheated, it would have been hard cheese on him as far as I'm concerned. He'd have 'earned' it.