NYOrLAGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Putting this in the second chances section because I guess that's my ultimate goal, but who knows at this point... Been NC with my ex who was the love of my life since November, BU happened May 2011. It was one of those stereotypical girl-ends-it-guy-is-blindsided-had-no-idea situations like I know a few of you are also experiencing (full story is in my previous posts here a while ago). I've been with a new girl for about five months now, and while we have fun and I like her, it's just not the same. I feel empty all the time... that love, that spark, that energy is just not there like it was with the ex. So ex's brother-in-law e-mails yesterday out of the blue asking if I can help him with some graphic design work he needs done. I had helped him with a previous project when the ex and I were together, and just after I went NC with the ex, I told him if he ever needed anything, he was always welcome to get in touch. And when we had last spoke, I never asked about the ex, but now I just have this urge, after the work is done, to just be like, "so hey, how is she doing?" While I've always dreamt of the day she'd come back, and I still do, I know this is a totally unrelated deal, she probably doesn't even know he got in touch (though her sister I'm sure does). I'm almost positive she's not married or engaged or anything like that (actually saw her in a match.com search a few months ago) but she could be seeing someone, but hey, so am I. And I don't exactly want to try and parlay this into contact with her, and it's obvious I'm overthinking this already, but objectively speaking, do you guys think it's cool if I just ask how she's doing? It feels almost weird NOT to ask, and I genuinely do want to know if she's doing well in school, if she's happy, etc. I am fully prepared to hear something I may not want to... or am I?
KatZee Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Putting this in the second chances section because I guess that's my ultimate goal, but who knows at this point... Been NC with my ex who was the love of my life since November, BU happened May 2011. It was one of those stereotypical girl-ends-it-guy-is-blindsided-had-no-idea situations like I know a few of you are also experiencing (full story is in my previous posts here a while ago). I've been with a new girl for about five months now, and while we have fun and I like her, it's just not the same. I feel empty all the time... that love, that spark, that energy is just not there like it was with the ex. So ex's brother-in-law e-mails yesterday out of the blue asking if I can help him with some graphic design work he needs done. I had helped him with a previous project when the ex and I were together, and just after I went NC with the ex, I told him if he ever needed anything, he was always welcome to get in touch. And when we had last spoke, I never asked about the ex, but now I just have this urge, after the work is done, to just be like, "so hey, how is she doing?" While I've always dreamt of the day she'd come back, and I still do, I know this is a totally unrelated deal, she probably doesn't even know he got in touch (though her sister I'm sure does). I'm almost positive she's not married or engaged or anything like that (actually saw her in a match.com search a few months ago) but she could be seeing someone, but hey, so am I. And I don't exactly want to try and parlay this into contact with her, and it's obvious I'm overthinking this already, but objectively speaking, do you guys think it's cool if I just ask how she's doing? It feels almost weird NOT to ask, and I genuinely do want to know if she's doing well in school, if she's happy, etc. I am fully prepared to hear something I may not want to... or am I? No, you're NOT prepared to hear something you may not want to hear. Just seeing the part where you say you're with a girl but you don't feel that spark shows you're just dating for the hell of it. It's over a year later and you're still hoping for recon. I think it's well past the point of you having moved on already. Why are you even with the girl you're with now? You're being incredibly unfair, and each day that goes on, is a day longer she becomes attached to you, meanwhile you'd run back to your ex in one second flat and would leave this girl in the dust. I think it would be uncomfortable for her family member to be in the middle of your curiosity. If you're so curious, reach out to your ex yourself. No point in getting others in the middle of this.
Author NYOrLAGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) Katzee, Thanks very much for your candor, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes you need the kick in the pants to see the forest for the trees. Now obviously the complexity of real life can't be captured in a single post, so there are parts where I disagree with you... am I being unfair to the newer girl? Yes, but I wouldn't say "incredibly" unfair. When we first got together we talked about how I wasn't over the ex yet, and I am working and trying every damn day to be a better person and not to let the memory of my ex run my life. I am NOT dating just for the hell of it, I have never done that in my life, when I'm with someone I'm with them, and we are exclusive. I'm just trying to say that with the ex, it was the pinnacle of what I wanted love to be, the pinnacle of what I was looking for in a woman, and that this new situation just isn't to that level. I would think that goes for any and all relationships, even ones that are healthy and strong to being with. And would I leave my current lady to go back to the ex "in one second flat?" A question I ask myself more than I care to admit. And the further time separates things, the more that answer is no. Would I give it a shot? Probably at some point, but it would be a heart-wrenching choice to have to make, as I genuinely do care for my current squeeze, and I'm trying my best to make the right decisions and not hurt people. I do know that I would never make a play for the ex while seeing the current lady. And I know that someday if that decision has to be made, I could eventually wind up with nothing. Not all dudes in this position are dicks or trying to be dicks. Some of us just want what we want and agonize over the possibility of hurting someone. But I digress. The part of your response I totally agree with, and makes perfect sense, is that I don't want to make it uncomfortable for her bro-lo to "be in the middle of my curiosity" as you so aptly put it. It's why I didn't ask him about her the last time we talked, and only because more time has gone by did I think it might be ok now to merely breach the subject. And I certainly won't contact her directly right now, and I certainly would never do it while I was seeing someone. Thanks for you time and your reply. Edited July 13, 2012 by NYOrLAGuy
GLDheart Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I'm sorry to say it but, it's unhealthy to keep hope alive. With so much time past, she has moved on. You need to know it will never happen again.
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