Zondervan Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I am a 37 year old heterosexual male in a 7.5 year live-in relationship with a 36 year old bisexual woman. We have a fledgling-polyamorous relationship, with us having had third-partners together and her having had separate relationships with women. I am also a musician of some fame and while performing at an overseas concert in May, my girlfriend gave me permission to have my first solo sexual encounter with a girl. Circumstances presented themselves and despite this overseas-girl having just begun a relationship with a man, after three magical days in each other’s company we had equally magical sex. There were tears at our parting, as we might never see one another again but we have since begun a secret internet (and snail mail) love-affair. Learning that I did have sex, my girlfriend did have some natural, initial jealousy despite having given me permission (she saw a photo of the girl) but through reassurance that was resolved and polyamory is something we both want to continue. I also expressed that I could now be OK with her being poly with another man, to keep all fair in terms of gender (she has never requested it). While over 7 years our intimacy has waned, we still have a good friendship and care about one another. While my adoration has only grown for my overseas-girl, my frustrations with being an ocean and a $1500 plane ticket away constantly depress my joy and overall mood. Plus she is still in a relationship with the man she was unfaithful to with me, and seeing photos of them together on Facebook being affectionate makes my heart sink (but I have no right, there). Clearly what we are doing is deceptive, and we have discussed stopping things altogether. The only other real option is to ask permission of my girlfriend to have a poly relationship with the girl and take a solo trip back to Europe to see her for a few days, then return to my current state. I am planning to have this permission-discussion very soon. We might be able to have a wonderful poly relationship together despite the obstacles and ending it outright might be a huge mistake. Or since there is another man involved who would not be ok with it all, maybe I am just a scoundrel who should take a cold shower. That is not what I want, however. I want to see her again.
Author Zondervan Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I should also add that I purchased my house so I and my current girlfriend of 7.5 years could be together--ours was a long distance relationship initially. My name is solely on the mortgage, and if our relationship ended I would not be financially able to retain the house, as I would lose her monthly contribution toward it. Selling it would be very difficult as well.
Spark1111 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Having all that sex on the side, while mutually agreed to, does not seem to have sparked enough of an attraction to stay together for the long haul. The fact that you so miss this other woman says to me it wasn't just about sex, it was more....more that you want and cannot attain with your gf of 7.5 years. It sounds as if you have become FWBs after all this time and, despite your alternative lifestyle, you still feel like good, old friends with benefits, benefits that include having sex with other people. Those I know who talk of successfully practicing polymory relations love each other deeply. The permission to have sex with others does not seem to erode those feelings for each other. I believe the emotional connection you felt with the other woman for three days is what you are truly seeking because you no longer have that with your roommate/gf. As for sharing a house together...not sure what can be done about that. I think you owe it to your long term partner to tell her the truth of your feelings about the OW. That's only fair. You just discovered that your relational arrangement is not all you need or want in life. 1
Author Zondervan Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Thank you. Despite being in denial about my changing feelings about my current girlfriend, we have really become only good FWBs. She actually rents a flat from me in the building (it is a multi-unit building) and we never actually sleep with one another. The logic behind the multi-unit building was so she could have her large dog and I my cat in separate living spaces. Sex is the only time we share a bed. It seems silly when I see it in print. If it were not for our financial and living situation, things might have ended some time ago. I feel trapped in many ways and suppress my feelings often. I do plan to take your advice as to being honest regarding feelings about my overseas-girl and formally talk with my gf this weekend. I don't want to break her heart, but I also cannot continue on in this state of frustrated misery. Ideally she would give me permission to fly over to see this girl, but the more I run the scenario in my mind, the less likely it seems. But I want that more than anything at the moment.
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