jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I've been dating this guy for a month. Everything was great in the beginning. He texted me nearly every hour, showered me with attention and affection. Every morning he'd send me a "good morning" text, then every night he'd send me a "sweet dreams" text, and all kinds of sweetness in between. When we hang out, we have great chemistry, and a ton of fun together. And now I feel like he is slowly withdrawing. I don't get the "good morning" texts as much anymore, there isn't as much (although still some) contact during the day... and he just cancelled our date on Sunday... on top of that, I noticed a couple of other things that bug me: 1. We never go out on fri/sat nights. 2. He never lets me spend the night 3. He never actually calls me. All our communication is done via texts. So here are my questions: 1. Is he just not that into me? Or is too early to start worrying about the stuff above? 2. Should I ask him / talk to him about the above concerns? I wouldn't accuse him of anything, I just figure that maybe it would be a good idea to let him know that, even though it may be okay for now, it is eventually going to become a problem if it continues... But then I am thinking, if he is not even that much into me, what is the point of talking about the future anyway? Just fyi, I am 28 and the guy I am talking about above is 35. I really suck at dating and, quite frankly, hate it. But I do want to find a good man that I could eventually marry and have a family with.
Christine52 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think you should just ask him...maybe there's something else going on in his life that's causing him to withdraw. With my ex, any time he withdrew it's because he had something on his plate that he needed to resolve, and focus his energies on. If you give him that space, he will come back. If you don't, he'll likely be gone. In any case, if he gets defensive or says nothing's wrong, or argues with you why you're being "needy or clingy" he is not being considerate of your feelings, and you need to find someone else - no if ands or buts. IMHO, not going out on weekend nights is a big red flag for me. It shows you're not a priority for him as he doesn't want to spend precious weekend nights with you. Also, never actually calling on the phone is a big turn off for me, and maybe you can tell him that? (in a nicer way of course). Sadly, it's hard to find a guy who will do all the right things. I was fortunate and found a guy who did all those things right - he even made me lunches for work etc, and would text every morning and night, and spend almost everyday with me. However, we had other issues that came up - so in relationships, there's usually something that will always be an obstacle, but with communication you can work it out, but only if he's serious about being genuine in the relationship.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I think you should just ask him...maybe there's something else going on in his life that's causing him to withdraw. With my ex, any time he withdrew it's because he had something on his plate that he needed to resolve, and focus his energies on. If you give him that space, he will come back. If you don't, he'll likely be gone. In any case, if he gets defensive or says nothing's wrong, or argues with you why you're being "needy or clingy" he is not being considerate of your feelings, and you need to find someone else - no if ands or buts. IMHO, not going out on weekend nights is a big red flag for me. It shows you're not a priority for him as he doesn't want to spend precious weekend nights with you. Also, never actually calling on the phone is a big turn off for me, and maybe you can tell him that? (in a nicer way of course). Sadly, it's hard to find a guy who will do all the right things. I was fortunate and found a guy who did all those things right - he even made me lunches for work etc, and would text every morning and night, and spend almost everyday with me. However, we had other issues that came up - so in relationships, there's usually something that will always be an obstacle, but with communication you can work it out, but only if he's serious about being genuine in the relationship. Yeah, it's the same for me. I'd say that friday and saturday nights are the bigger concern for me. Anyway, I just texted him and asked in the nicest possible way why we never go out on fri and sat nights. He responded saying that he has been busy, but that he should be available those nights the next few weeks (not this one though)... So yeah, I don't know. I guess I will have to see what happens in the next few weeks? Didn't really make me feel all that much better.
Negative Nancy Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Maybe he has a girlfriend on the side that he's busy with on the weekends.
tina783 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 The last guy I dated was sorta like that. It only lasted 2 months.. in the end he broke it off because he went back to his ex. You deserve a phone call in the VERY least. The fact that he only texts shows either lack of interest or immaturity on his part, neither of which I would want to be involved in. I would move on.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 The last guy I dated was sorta like that. It only lasted 2 months.. in the end he broke it off because he went back to his ex. You deserve a phone call in the VERY least. The fact that he only texts shows either lack of interest or immaturity on his part, neither of which I would want to be involved in. I would move on. Well, initially, I really didn't have a problem with it. I feel like for some people it is just a preferred method of communication. But given the other things on top of it, I feel like there's a problem...
tina783 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I guess the best thing to do is go with your gut. Maybe give it a few more weeks and if things don't improve then do what you need to do. Some men just like the chase.. once they have you they pull back because they don't need to work for it anymore.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 And he just texted me saying how much he misses me. I am at a loss.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Sigh... after telling him that I was upset about him canceling on Sunday, he said that he didn't cancel then, but is canceling now... I guess I messed up...?
veggirl Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Sigh... after telling him that I was upset about him canceling on Sunday, he said that he didn't cancel then, but is canceling now... I guess I messed up...? What an as$!! How rude is that? That's like "I don't like that you said you are upset, so watch me make you upset!" Where does he go Fri / Sat nights? How come he doesn't let you sleep over? Have you guys talked about exclusivity? I would cut this guy loose. Too many red flags all over the place and he sounds like a jerk.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) What an as$!! How rude is that? That's like "I don't like that you said you are upset, so watch me make you upset!" Where does he go Fri / Sat nights? How come he doesn't let you sleep over? Have you guys talked about exclusivity? I would cut this guy loose. Too many red flags all over the place and he sounds like a jerk. Well, we haven't talked about exclusivity... the only thing we talked about was: "If you are seeing somebody else, don't tell me" type-a thing... He didn't let me sleep over because of work the next day, but now it all seems to be a load of $..t. He would also get jealous if he thought I was with another guy, even though I wasn't... yet, he didn't look like he wanted to be exclusive... Fri/sat nights he's been either with his friends, family or working... or in too bad a mood to hang out... Yeah, he really does sound like a perfect jerk... Edited July 13, 2012 by jaliya
pteromom Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Well, we haven't talked about exclusivity... the only thing we talked about was: "If you are seeing somebody else, don't tell me" type-a thing... He didn't let me sleep over because of work the next day, but now it all seems to be a load of $..t. He would also get jealous if he thought I was with another guy, even though I wasn't... yet, he didn't look like he wanted to be exclusive... Fri/sat nights he's been either with his friends, family or working... or in too bad a mood to hang out... Yeah, he really does sound like a perfect jerk... Yes, he does. If a guy likes you, he wants to be with you. He wants to see you on weekends. He wants you to stay over. He wants you with him. You can do better.
soyou Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I used to date a guy whi behaved exactly like the way you described. It turned out that he was already married. But his hidding talent was exellent and he was absolutely good at reasoning, turning things up side down, black into white. He twisted it in a way that in end it was my fault for not understang him while he was trying so hard and working things out to be with me. Please wake up. Its a big damn red flag.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Yes, he does. If a guy likes you, he wants to be with you. He wants to see you on weekends. He wants you to stay over. He wants you with him. You can do better. And than on top of that, most of his texts were purely of sexual nature... Even though he has told me that he was looking for a serious relationship and definitely not interested in purely sexual one.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I used to date a guy whi behaved exactly like the way you described. It turned out that he was already married. But his hidding talent was exellent and he was absolutely good at reasoning, turning things up side down, black into white. He twisted it in a way that in end it was my fault for not understang him while he was trying so hard and working things out to be with me. Please wake up. Its a big damn red flag. Wow... thanks for that.
pteromom Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 And than on top of that, most of his texts were purely of sexual nature... Even though he has told me that he was looking for a serious relationship and definitely not interested in purely sexual one. Actions speak louder than words.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. Yup, that's what I was thinking.
Camarina Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 jaliya, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel your pain. I've been there many times. It sucks. I firmly believe that the right man will make it VERY CLEAR that he wants to be with you. He will make you a priority. You won't be confused or wondering what he's thinking or where he's at. Hold out for that guy. Don't settle for scraps from anyone.
tina783 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 jaliya, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel your pain. I've been there many times. It sucks. I firmly believe that the right man will make it VERY CLEAR that he wants to be with you. He will make you a priority. You won't be confused or wondering what he's thinking or where he's at. Hold out for that guy. Don't settle for scraps from anyone. Yep. The last guy I dated barely wanted to see me-- once a week if I was lucky. Current guy wants to see me all the time, wants me to sleep over (even on work nights) and wants to spend weekends with me. It's like night and day in comparison. Very refreshing. He'll come along for you-- don't waste any more time with this guy.
Author jaliya Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 jaliya, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel your pain. I've been there many times. It sucks. I firmly believe that the right man will make it VERY CLEAR that he wants to be with you. He will make you a priority. You won't be confused or wondering what he's thinking or where he's at. Hold out for that guy. Don't settle for scraps from anyone. I hear ya . Thanks. Honestly, I am not even that upset (which is surprising, because if this was to happen couple of years ago, I'd be destroyed and thinking it was all my fault). I would like to have the last conversation with him for closure purposes though... but I guess we will have to see if even that is going to happen.
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