Tallblueyed Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Excellent thread; I needed to read this, I have been having a difficult time. To answer the OP, the BS bears the brunt of the pain (most of the reasons have already been eloquently outlined). There might be exceptions, but they are few and far between. I finally walked to her and lost it....started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't help it or stop it. She stood up and hugged me - telling me "oh baby, please don't cry, it is all over, it's in the past....it stopped 2 months ago.....baby, please don't cry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry". She stood there holding me for about 10 minutes......it did help and I believe her. NC, this moved me beyond tears, I haven’t wept like that since DD. It reminds me that I lost the person in my life that gave me comfort and understanding. There are parts of my marriage that I miss so much, in fact I miss everything about my marriage except the fact that I was living in ignorant bliss. I have told H that had he loved her, I could better understand, I would still hurt, but it would make sense. ...but it does hurt to think that all that pain and hurt and for what? This has been one of the most difficult things to digest. My STBXWS couldn’t distance herself fast enough from the OM. There was nothing redeeming about their relationship, nothing that she wanted above me. It would make much more sense if she said, “I love/want to be with him because _______”. Like Seren, I could understand it for love. I loved him enough to let him go... No one was more confused than I when having his OW full-time seemed to be the very last thing he wanted. When I finally talked to her and she was NOT your typical OW; crazy, dramatic, angry and hysterical. And all I could think of was, "for THAT WOMAN? You risked us for an unstable drama queen you didn't even love?" Yap. When I confronted the OM I was DUMBFOUNDED at her choice. He was completed retarded; went so far as to argue the merits of my accusations after I gave him very specific intel. By the end I made it clear to him that I would take my evidence and let his wife decide his guilt or innocence, he pretty much conceded at that point (it was a conscience decision not to tell his wife, I still don’t know if it was the right call).
Author NotCamelot Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Even though I've been on both sides of this. It is very clear that the BS has it hardest. I also know that the "trickle truth" from the WS has a very lot to do with that. The WS has the advantage of knowing 100% of everything while the BS has to live with getting a little at a time therefore causing the torment to last much longer. With each bit of info comes another dagger in the heart. The WS does not have to deal with this. And for the WS, it seems that the recovery is much easier if the WS wants to try to make it work. The WS has the "safety net" of a relationship that may continue. The BS is in limbo trying to figure out if it can or will. The WS holds most of the cards in this case and has the advantage of knowing more about what the future holds. Therefore, it is much easier to get past the A. At least in my situation, this is what I am learning. 2
worldgonewrong Posted August 22, 2012 Posted August 22, 2012 In the end, even if they didn't quite get what they were looking for, they still gain knowledge about themselves. True knowledge? Enlightening knowledge? Or deluded knowledge?
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