Is it always easier for the WS?

[seren]

You know how sometimes a WS will say...it didnt mean anything, it wasn't important, it was just stupid.?

 

They mean it. It was an awful, horrible , hurtful thing to do to you and feels that way to you.

 

And as bad as they may feel for hurting you, IT just wasn't that important to them. They can move on more easily from it.

 

However on my end as the BS...it hurt more knowing he risked me for something so unimportant to him.

 

 

I so agree with this. H was on a path of self destruction when he had the A and so when I asked if he loved her and he tells me no, and when I learn of the details of it and see it for what it was. It hurts.

 

I have told H that had he loved her, I could better understand, I would still hurt, but it would make sense. I do understand, given all that was happening in his life at that time, but it does hurt to think that all that pain and hurt and for what?

 

At this time, I would say that my H is so torn up, still, by what he did, not only to me, us, our marriage, but him too, the him that he always thought he was. The A was so out of character, he was so different then, it was like space aliens had sucked his brains out his ears and replaced them with a selfish, egotistical, self destructive arse. H is so not that person, but for a short while, he was.

 

I don't know what to do to help my H, he has times when he is so full of self loathing and not feeling good enough, it is almost painful to watch. He has recently finished counselling for PTSD through Iraq and Afghanistan and can finally manage to separate his combat stress, his feeling of not being good enough and the A, but of it all, what he did to us and our marriage has been the biggest mountain to climb.

 

I don't think it is always easier for the WS, there again I don't think it is necessarily harder for the BS each has their own way of coping and each have to deal with the A from different places. I have forgiven H, I have not forgotten, I never will, but I wish H would forgive himself too.

[2sure]

Seren...I hope your H gets to a place of acceptance and forgives himself.

I'm in the process still of forgiving myself and my ex for many things.

I am trying to learn to embrace the experience for bringing me closer to the person I am. Well, that's the idea. I just have to make friends with myself first.

[NotCamelot]

NC, I am finding your posts and thread here interesting.

 

Could you please expand on what you wrote above? Why is it when you are with your wife you realize you how much you love her? Is it an out of sight, out of mind sort of thing for you?

 

Just trying to understand.

 

When we are apart I keep thinking about what she did. That quickly turns to obsessive thoughts about it and the anger that follows. That leads to the other thoughts.

 

When we are together, I still think about what she did a lot. But she is so loving and helpful now (the way she used to be) that it keeps the anger and the other thoughts away.

 

The thing is, it's hard to explain....I do truly love her, and still do when we are apart....and that is why I hurt, get mad, etc. The love does not change when we are apart. But my attention wanders back to the hurtful things much too easily.

 

And, as I told her, if I did not love her, then none of what she did would have bothered me at all. I think the WS, in all cases, should realize the love that the BS has when they see how much hurt they have inflicted.

 

I hope this explains.......does it??

[Spark1111]

You know how sometimes a WS will say...it didnt mean anything, it wasn't important, it was just stupid.?

 

They mean it. It was an awful, horrible , hurtful thing to do to you and feels that way to you.

 

And as bad as they may feel for hurting you, IT just wasn't that important to them. They can move on more easily from it.

 

However on my end as the BS...it hurt more knowing he risked me for something so unimportant to him.

 

Like Seren, I could understand it for love. I loved him enough to let him go, but still furious he lied about it for so long.

 

He really did not have to.

 

No one was more confused than I when having his OW full-time seemed to be the very last thing he wanted.

 

So what were all those over-the-top romantic texts to her really about? Keeping the fantasy alive? Playing a game?

 

When I finally talked to her and she was NOT your typical OW; crazy, dramatic, angry and hysterical.

 

And all I could think of was, "for THAT WOMAN? You risked us for an unstable drama queen you didn't even love?"

 

Like Seren's H, I hope he someday forgives himself. It is an anomaly in an otherwise honest life.

 

And he was shocked and disturbed at how much pain it caused me, as it IT wasn't such a big deal....I guess?

 

I heard: I thought I could control it and it just got outtahand.

 

I never meant to hurt you (i.e. never thought you'd find out:rolleyes:)

 

And the best and first line: PLEASE don't tell anyone.

[GLDheart]

...At this time, I would say that my H is so torn up, still, by what he did, not only to me, us, our marriage, but him too...

 

...The A was so out of character, he was so different then, it was like space aliens had sucked his brains out his ears and replaced them with a selfish, egotistical, self destructive arse...

 

...I don't know what to do to help my H, he has times when he is so full of self loathing and not feeling good enough, it is almost painful to watch...

 

I have forgiven H, I have not forgotten, I never will, but I wish H would forgive himself too.

 

I took the liberty of grabbing the excerpts that really stand out to me. I think for some Waywards the damage is real deep. The ones that "wakeup" to what they did have to look all the way deep down at the root of it all. This is a pretty painful experience.

 

I can relate to this ironicly NOT through an affair. When I was very young and in my "party days" I had become a pretty selfish person. I didn't see it at the time but looking back, I didn't really care about things too deep.

 

My younger brother really looked up to me. He always had. I was busy off getting hammered with friends the day of his highschool graduation. I can remember saying to myself "screw it" as I skipped his graduation and popped another beer.

 

Looking back I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THAT. In my eyes I see my loving little brother looking out into the crowd for me... and I'm not there. I feel like I stole joy from an important day of his and forever tainted it. I can never go back and fix this.

 

The reality is he probably got over it super quick and had a blast with all of his buddies... BUT I still can't shake what I did... How selfish I see I was. I betrayed MY realtionship with him by being a selfish jerk. I use that memory to fuel me moving forward in honoring my loved ones the way I believe I should.

 

I can definately see how once you realize the hurt you caused AND OWN IT. Long after the hurt people have forgiven, it is tough to truly get over it in the end.

Edited July 18, 2012 by GLDheart

[NotCamelot]

In my case, when I was the WS, in the days and months that followed d-day, it hurt me to see my wife crying when formerly special days came and she then associated them with something I had said to my AP. She felt we no longer had any special days anymore......and especially Christmas when I spent most of the day exchanging text messages with my OW.

 

Yes I did feel really bad, ashamed, guilty, low-down about doing those things. And I still do as I have tried so hard over the last 2 1/2 years to rebuild those days.

 

And I wonder if my W planned her physical activity with her AP two days before our 20th anniversary. On the same day I was out spending hundreds of dollars to make the day, 2 days later, a very good day for her. So when I found out everything 10 days later I was severely crushed as this was supposed to be a very special time for us and she discarded us for sex with him. Did she plan it to coincide with this special time? I don't know and I don't really want to ask her. That is one thing I would rather keep out of my head.

 

And after she discovered my A, she has designated different days to take the place of previous special days. I thought that strange at first but went along with it.

 

But, now that I am on the recieving end of the hurt, I just last week told her that we would no longer celebrate our wedding anniversary on the actual day anymore. We are renewing our vows next spring. I told her last week that we would celebrate that date from now on.

 

So I guess I understand. And that further reinforces my thought that the WS has it much worse.

[GLDheart]

.... And that further reinforces my thought that the WS has it much worse.

 

I can agree. But I think that only the truly remorseful ones ever even go there. Just like in my case where my brother matters so much to me. The wayward really needs to see the hurt and still care about the betrayed enough to face the pain.

 

Otherwise they just run the other way and bury the problems with blame (the betrayed deserved it don't you know?), booze (my Ex loves her booze), or a rebound relationship (just too busy to look back).

[NotCamelot]

So I guess I understand. And that further reinforces my thought that the WS has it much worse.

 

I meant to say the BS has it much worse......I can't even think straight anymore....

[GLDheart]

I meant to say the BS has it much worse......I can't even think straight anymore....

 

Ha! I hear ya. I usually type out "Betrayed" rather than just BS (looks too much like I'm writing B_llsht to me) and Wayward rather than WS for my own sanity.

[NotCamelot]

Odd........I just got back to work from lunch and my W's OMW has left a message for me to call her. I don't know if I want to.....I assume she wants some info from me.

 

But, I tell this because, I wonder how she feels........she is, all at the same time, BOTH the BS and the WS. While she was having an A so was her H. I hope she feels like total SH**! ( I hope they BOTH do!!!)

 

Sorry, can't help it if that's bad.

Edited July 18, 2012 by NotCamelot

[Spark1111]

Odd........I just got back to work from lunch and my W's OMW has left a message for me to call her. I don't know if I want to.....I assume she wants some info from me.

 

But, I tell this because, I wonder how she feels........she is, all at the same time, BOTH the BS and the WS. While she was having an A so was her H. I hope she feels like total SH**! ( I hope they BOTH do!!!)

 

Sorry, can't help it if that's bad.

 

Two months after dday, that is normal to feel that way.

 

Please call her back. Are u absolutely sure she was having her own affair?

My H's fOW convinced him I must be having an affair. Pullleaze.

 

Assume nothing, please. Call her back. What do you have to lose?

[silktricks]

It depends upon the person, IMO. At first my husband seemed to recover much better than I. However, after he came to fully realize the depth of my pain, that changed. We're now 7+ years past, and I have no issues. I can see, though, that he still does, on occasion, struggle with what he did.

[silktricks]

Spark - why should he call back the wife of the man his wife was having an affair with? I'm confused.....

[NotCamelot]

Please call her back. Are u absolutely sure she was having her own affair?

My H's fOW convinced him I must be having an affair. Pullleaze.

 

Assume nothing, please. Call her back. What do you have to lose?

 

I called the OMW. The two of them have been getting email from someone threatening to expose them at their church.....referring to her A and his A. She wanted to know if I knew anything or was involved with the email. Of course not! Sounds like someone on their side has loose lips. Though, I admit, I get a little joy and satisfaction at the greif they feel over all the pain they have caused.

 

My W is obsessively private. No one knows about my EA in the past and no one knows about her A. She would be devastated if anyone knew. So I know she has told no one. The OMW was very nice, apologizing for H. I told her that, at some point later, I would much rather have an apology directly from him.

 

Yes, I am sure she was having her own affair. She told me that when I called her on d-day to tell her about her H and my W. And then, the next day my W told me the same thing about OMW. The OM had followed his W to where her AP was living. She would spend hours there while telling him she was at work.

 

An odd thing yesterday.....while driving and thinking about what my W did, I became extremely mad....yelling out loud in the car, yelling things at her ( I was driving ALONE). This went on for about 15 minutes. After that, I felt much, much better and continue to feel better today. Had a really good night at home with my W. In fact, this is the best I have felt in months. A lot of the non-stop thoughts I have been have for two months have stopped......not all but the obsessive things have.

 

Anything "normal" about that?

[NotCamelot]

This is what his wife did and I find it very hard to believe she stopped all contact

with the OM.

 

I am positive there has been no contact. The only way there could be any contact is if she had a secret phone and was getting up somehow in the middle of the night to call. We ride to and from work together, go to lunch together, spend all waking hours together, we go nowhere alone.

 

And if she gets or makes a call now, she sits beside me while talking. And I still check all electronic devices: phone and records, computers, emails, etc. And a keylogger is still on her pc other pc's too. Those logs are emailed to me here at work.

 

And back when I had my EA, I stopped all contact, cold turkey, instantly on the day I was found out. Not a single sentence since that. Why wouldn't she be able to do the same?

[NotCamelot]

It depends upon the person, IMO. At first my husband seemed to recover much better than I. However, after he came to fully realize the depth of my pain, that changed. We're now 7+ years past, and I have no issues. I can see, though, that he still does, on occasion, struggle with what he did.

 

After 7 years, do you not have moments where you think or visualize the bad things anymore?

[Spark1111]

I called the OMW. The two of them have been getting email from someone threatening to expose them at their church.....referring to her A and his A. She wanted to know if I knew anything or was involved with the email. Of course not! Sounds like someone on their side has loose lips. Though, I admit, I get a little joy and satisfaction at the greif they feel over all the pain they have caused.

 

My W is obsessively private. No one knows about my EA in the past and no one knows about her A. She would be devastated if anyone knew. So I know she has told no one. The OMW was very nice, apologizing for H. I told her that, at some point later, I would much rather have an apology directly from him.

 

Yes, I am sure she was having her own affair. She told me that when I called her on d-day to tell her about her H and my W. And then, the next day my W told me the same thing about OMW. The OM had followed his W to where her AP was living. She would spend hours there while telling him she was at work.

 

An odd thing yesterday.....while driving and thinking about what my W did, I became extremely mad....yelling out loud in the car, yelling things at her ( I was driving ALONE). This went on for about 15 minutes. After that, I felt much, much better and continue to feel better today. Had a really good night at home with my W. In fact, this is the best I have felt in months. A lot of the non-stop thoughts I have been have for two months have stopped......not all but the obsessive things have.

 

Anything "normal" about that?

 

of course!

 

I remember going to IC twice a week in the beginning and complaining of what felt to ME as irrational thoughts, anger, sadness, yelling, tears and the inability to control any of it...the infidelity crazies.

 

The IC said: "I haven't heard you express one irrational thought, yet. I will inform you if I do."

 

In other words, as long as I wasn't expressing an intent to physically harm myself or physically harm others, all other emotions were to be expected.

 

When it began to well up from my toes, I started walking with the ipod on. Somedays, I was miles away from home before the crazies subsided, and then, I had to walk ALLLLLL the way back.

 

Damn, I was looking good!

[Spark1111]

Spark - why should he call back the wife of the man his wife was having an affair with? I'm confused.....

 

Well, because she too is a BS despite being an OW at the same time; to ascertain there hasn't been any contact (he he had already trusted there wasn't) and look what he did find out: someone has bee writing threatening emails at their church.

 

THere is a posibility of exposure there, no? I would want to know if I or my spouse were at risk. In this case, maybe....maybe not.

[NotCamelot]

I do wonder about the exposure and fear that my W name could be revealed. I would rather that NO ONE know. I don't know how a wife feels about people knowing what the husband has done. I do know that I am terrified about anyone knowing about my wife's A. I would be so embarrassed for anyone to know. I would feel like they would think less of me.......as if I could not satisfy her so she went elsewhere......that I was less of a man because my wife cheated.

 

So while I am glad I called, I will live with this fear for a while until I see what happens.

[Spark1111]

Hey, NC, forewarned is forearmed.

 

And please remember, you were the only victim in this nonsense. While I understand your feelings, your wife brought this on herself and your marriage and both your reputations.

 

You did tell her, right? That someone is emailing about the affairs and there is the potential for exposure?

[GLDheart]

...I would feel like they would think less of me.......as if I could not satisfy her so she went elsewhere......that I was less of a man because my wife cheated...

 

Her cheating exposes her insecurities and flaws as a human, not yours.

[NotCamelot]

Hey, NC, forewarned is forearmed.

 

And please remember, you were the only victim in this nonsense. While I understand your feelings, your wife brought this on herself and your marriage and both your reputations.

 

You did tell her, right? That someone is emailing about the affairs and there is the potential for exposure?

 

It's true, I am the one and only victim here. Although I did wrong in the past, I feel that I have tried to make up for it and have been 100% true since.

 

No I have not told my W yet. I will tell her tonight about the emails that the OMW and OM are getting. I know that will not go well......but at least this can't be blamed on me.

 

I guess for the moment, in my case as the BS, I am not liable to get the worst of this. But I feel the need and want to protect my W.

 

Things are now going so well for us and I don't want some outside source complicating things. Though I realize that whatever happens, I am not to blame for any of it.

[canuckprincess]

It's been 2 months since the d-day of my wife's PA. My wife is handling the "recovery/reconciliation" much better or easier than I. I still have some pain every day. I still have days that I break down in tears.....though that happens much, much less now.

 

I know that when I had an EA 2 1/2 years ago, when I ended it, it was pretty easy for me and seemed to be Hell for her. I was able to end it immediately with no further contact. Sure I had thoughts about my OW but they faded. I know that I was more concerned with fixing things than I was about the OW.

 

So, I wonder, is my wife feeling the same as I did back then. She does not seem to be experiencing the pain that I am going through.

 

Does anyone here have a situation similar? Does the WS recover much faster and easier than the BS?

 

 

Yes it's easier for the WS, they are not the ones being lied to or betrayed for days, weeks, months, or years on end. After dday when bs doesn't kick them out they may be grateful because they were given a second chance or they may feel like they've gotten away with it. Some are remorseful and will spend a long time making it up to the bs, others will continue to sneak around and continue to lie, cheat and betray the bs. Also some bs will look the other way and allow it to continue. In a few cases if the WS truly loves both spouse and ow/om then of course it's not easy on the WS, but it is hard to feel sorry for a cake-eater.

[canuckprincess]

I do wonder about the exposure and fear that my W name could be revealed. I would rather that NO ONE know. I don't know how a wife feels about people knowing what the husband has done. I do know that I am terrified about anyone knowing about my wife's A. I would be so embarrassed for anyone to know. I would feel like they would think less of me.......as if I could not satisfy her so she went elsewhere......that I was less of a man because my wife cheated.

 

So while I am glad I called, I will live with this fear for a while until I see what happens.

 

When you expose the affair not only is the om labelled a cheater so is your wife. She is just as much to blame as the om and telling everyone could backfire on you. Just think it through is all I'm saying. I have been the ow and to be honest if my mm wife were to expose the affair that's fine by me, most of my friends, family and co workers know. Heres the hard reality most people don't care unless it affects their lives directly. I would send the info to the omw but no one else, unless you want your wivies name dragged through the mud. I'm not happy about my current situation but my posting isn't about me.

[losingmyground]

While I think alot of the intial pain is on the BS....eventually a true remorseful WS would hurt just as bad if not more. I know that my husband is suffering from depression. He cannot believe the dishonor he brought on our family. I tend to worry more about him than I do myself.