Is it always easier for the WS?

[NotCamelot]

It's been 2 months since the d-day of my wife's PA. My wife is handling the "recovery/reconciliation" much better or easier than I. I still have some pain every day. I still have days that I break down in tears.....though that happens much, much less now.

 

I know that when I had an EA 2 1/2 years ago, when I ended it, it was pretty easy for me and seemed to be Hell for her. I was able to end it immediately with no further contact. Sure I had thoughts about my OW but they faded. I know that I was more concerned with fixing things than I was about the OW.

 

So, I wonder, is my wife feeling the same as I did back then. She does not seem to be experiencing the pain that I am going through.

 

Does anyone here have a situation similar? Does the WS recover much faster and easier than the BS?

[reboot]

Of course it's easier for them. They didn't do anything wrong in the first place, right?

[frozensprouts]

it depends on the person and their personality makeup.

 

some people who cheat don't fee bad about it at all- they rationalize it and blame anyone and everyone else for their actions.

 

some who cheat recognize that the only one who is responsible for their actions is themselves, and these people may feel a huge sense of guilt and shame...

 

just based on my own experience and on what I have read here, most betrayed spouses feel a hge sense of pain and betrayal...some deal with it, and some just find those feelings too overwhelming so they push them way down and try and ignore them...only to have them resurface later in very negative ways

[Spark1111]

NC, based on everything I've read and everything I've seen in my sitch....yes!

 

If my fWS was sitting around pining for his fOW, I would not have had the resolve to stay with him as I refused to be his default choice.

 

My ego could have never handled that --which made me realize why and how so many divorce, and do so quickly, following infidelity.

 

If he had been TRULY emotionally invested in his OW, well, I gave him carte blanche to be with her. I agreed to divorce amicably, split any assets, and as our children were young adults, staying together for them seemed rediculous, although he USED that excuse to his OW as to why she needed to wait.

 

I think he views the affair more as a symptom of what ailed him and views it shamefully as an aberration of behavior. He SOOOOOO wants to move on.

 

It wasn't the AP, it was the need she filled in him that was the draw. When he figured that out, he was ready to move on.

 

I however, like most BSs, still need to dissect the "Why" and the "How" to feel reassured that THIS will never happen to me again.

 

Pretty typical.

 

He has moved on.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Does anyone here have a situation similar? Does the WS recover much faster and easier than the BS?

 

If the WS is truly remorseful and ashamed then it will be difficult for them as well. However, I believe that the BS has much more of a burden to carry.

 

First, the WS had already justified the A, at least at that time. They most likely know the Whys and Hows of the A. WSs are in general good at compartmentalizing their life and actions. This is something that BS' have a difficult time dealing with. I spent a long time dealing with the "How could she?" question.

 

Second, the WS has all of the control. The BS most likely (in my sit) did not have control. I believe my wife when she tries to tell me how much damage her A did to her. BUT, she had that choice! As the BS, I did not have a choice. This crap was dumped on me by no choice of my own.

 

Third, it's just the nature of betrayal. The betrayer wants to move on, and the betrayed is left to pick up the pieces of shattered trust. If a stranger inflicted this much hurt on me, then it would be easier to recover emotionally. But because this harm came directly from that one special person that is supposed to love me and look out for my best interest makes it that much more difficult for the BS to recover.

 

Real life example: I've said in a past post that a few months after D-day while in MC my wife suggested that we renew our vows on our next anniversary; 4 months away. I looked at her and told her she was crazy! Not only did we not renew our vows, but I refuse the "celebrate" that day.

[confusedinkansas]

Don't think for a second that she's not suffering too.

She is...........just in silence.

 

It's better than bringing it up over & over & over again. Reliving any pain she may have caused you & herself for that matter.

 

For us it was reverse. My husband 'recovered' from my A much quicker than I did.

It has taken me years to finally forgive myself & relize that I'm just human, made a mistake & need to move on with things.

Which I've done.

 

I totally get where your wife MAY be coming from. She's just not saying it outloud. I suffered in silence too.

[SomedayDig]

We all live in our own version of reality. For me, being betrayed by my wife was the ultimate pain and I'm quite certain that she is definitely hurt by seeing my suffering. She has told me so on many occasions. Like Confusedinkansas said, my wife suffers in silence a lot. Quite honestly, I would prefer that she talks to me a little bit more about her version of reality of the pain. I don't like to think that when a couple is truly trying to reconcile that either one of them suffers more than the other. It's a "team" effort to work through the damage of the affair.

 

That said, I sometimes feel that I have it harder because of what a lot of posters have already said. Again, though...that's MY reality. It doesn't mean she isn't in pain.

[Snowflower]

It's been 2 months since the d-day of my wife's PA. My wife is handling the "recovery/reconciliation" much better or easier than I. I still have some pain every day. I still have days that I break down in tears.....though that happens much, much less now.

 

I know that when I had an EA 2 1/2 years ago, when I ended it, it was pretty easy for me and seemed to be Hell for her. I was able to end it immediately with no further contact. Sure I had thoughts about my OW but they faded. I know that I was more concerned with fixing things than I was about the OW.

 

So, I wonder, is my wife feeling the same as I did back then. She does not seem to be experiencing the pain that I am going through.

 

Does anyone here have a situation similar? Does the WS recover much faster and easier than the BS?

 

re: the bolded...

 

This is going to sound kind of rude and I don't mean for it to, but you've been on the other side of the fence as a WS yourself. You yourself said that it was easy to end it and concentrate on fixing things with your BS. So, why are you even wondering?

 

Is it possible that your wife, now the WS is able to do the same thing and move on quickly? Why do you feel that it is unusual for your wife to do the same thing that you have done?

[GLDheart]

I think that the Wayward feels something lacking and tries to fill that hole in thier life with the affair. So in that way they GAIN SOMETHING. They gain an ego boost from being desired. They gain the sexual rush of a new partner. They gain excitement as they sneak around like a teenager. In the end, even if they didn't quite get what they were looking for, they still gain knowledge about themselves.

 

I feel the Betrayed lose the trust they had for thier spouse, lose the security that they had in thier relationship, lose some self esteem along the way, and lose the confidence that they once had in the future of thier relationship.

 

Let me ask you. Is it easier to recover from a gain or a loss?

[NotCamelot]

The betrayer wants to move on, and the betrayed is left to pick up the pieces of shattered trust.!

 

 

I feel that from her. In fact, she has said even as recently as last night, that it is all over and in the past.

And I know, because I was the wayward one before. Letting go and moving on was much easier than what I am going through now. I guess it was because I could very easily see that I was still wanted, loved and needed. It was very obvious. But this time, I have to believe and have to trust. When I did was the betrayer, I did not have to learn to trust her. Now I do. Maybe that is what the big difference is.

I believe that the WS does sometimes have to deal with the separation of thier other person. In may case back then, it was actually a relief that I was found out.

 

Still, forgiving her is easy. Forgetting --- not so easy. Seems easy for her though.

[NotCamelot]

Is it possible that your wife, now the WS is able to do the same thing and move on quickly? Why do you feel that it is unusual for your wife to do the same thing that you have done?

 

I guess it's because I don't remember displaying it as well as she does. I do know that I hurt for what I did to her.....but I did not show the hurt.....because I did not want to hurt her any more. Maybe that's what is going on inside her.

[NotCamelot]

She always wanted to cheat on you. When you had your EA, she took that as a green light to have her fun--but not just an EA--she went full monty PA.

 

Why should she feel sorry about it? She enjoyed it, and also, she can put all the blame on you, since (as far as you know) "you did it first."

 

I hope you realize she's never going to stop cheating on you, or at least, she will always want to do it again if the right person and right opportunity arises.

 

I'm sorry, but, you don't know her. How can you make this statement? "always wanted to"......why would you say that? And what makes you think "she's never going to stop"?? I really refuse to believe any of that.

 

I can tell you, I never "always wanted" to cheat on her. And I will never do it again regardles of the person or opportunity.......and there was an opportunity since d-day.........it repulsed me. Never would I ever hurt her again.

 

So, while I appreciate your attempt to help, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with your statements.

[seren]

It is over 4 and a half yrs since D Day and my H still struggles with what he has done. When we do speak about it, I talk and can then move along, he however, feels so bad about what he did, what he did to us and, what he did to himself and who he had always thought he was, that it is almost painful to see.

 

I tell him that I have forgiven him and that he needs to forgive himself. He is still working on it.

[BetrayedH]

The WS gets laid. The BS gets to get over it. I think the WS has it easier.

 

In some cases, the WS has TRUE remorse and carries as much of the burden as the BS. Rare. Considering the conscious thought, effort, time management, lying, and deceit it takes to have an affair, typically they don't have the character to be truly remorseful. They gave that up a while ago.

[NotCamelot]

The WS gets laid. The BS gets to get over it. I think the WS has it easier.

 

As bad as it hurts to think about that, I think you nailed it on the head.

I remember feeling very remorseful years ago. But the recovery was quick and almost painless for me.

But trying to get over the physical part of what she did is killing me.. It does not give me the pain I felt at d-day......and it does get less each day. BUT, there is not a day that I don't think about it.

 

There has been no contact between her the OM. We have not been apart where it could happen. And, while she is at work......that is a secure and gated place with very strict rules.....even I can't see her there. So, NO, she is not still screwing him, or talking to him, or anything.

 

I guess there is also the aspect that she has two men that profess love to her. How bad can that feel? And, for me, I have to re-discover her love for ME......that she professes many times daily.

[nofool4u]

So, I wonder, is my wife feeling the same as I did back then. She does not seem to be experiencing the pain that I am going through.

 

Trust me, she is in pain, some people just choose not to show it and don't want anyone to know it. She gets triggers, I guarantee. She just doesn't want you to know she does. Perhaps its about not letting you think you have that kind of power to be able to hurt her like that.

[nofool4u]

The WS gets laid. The BS gets to get over it. I think the WS has it easier.

 

I think there is truth to that.

 

I do wonder what a WS would say to a BS in order to keep the marriage, if the stipulation was that the BS now gets to go out and get an orgasm from someone else?

 

In my mind the WS that really doesn't care about the BS would say, "sure, have at it".

 

But if they truly wanted their BS, they wouldn't be able to handle the BS doing back to the WS in the same fashion.

[Spark1111]

As bad as it hurts to think about that, I think you nailed it on the head.

I remember feeling very remorseful years ago. But the recovery was quick and almost painless for me.

But trying to get over the physical part of what she did is killing me.. It does not give me the pain I felt at d-day......and it does get less each day. BUT, there is not a day that I don't think about it.

 

There has been no contact between her the OM. We have not been apart where it could happen. And, while she is at work......that is a secure and gated place with very strict rules.....even I can't see her there. So, NO, she is not still screwing him, or talking to him, or anything.

 

I guess there is also the aspect that she has two men that profess love to her. How bad can that feel? And, for me, I have to re-discover her love for ME......that she professes many times daily.

 

So NC, you have been on both sides, both the WS and the BS. Why did YOU get over the betrayal so quickly as the WS, but now deal with daily mind movies as the BS?

 

You alone have more clues to this than many of us?

 

Why do you think that is? Was your AP a means to getting laid, but your wife's affair plagues you daily.

 

Can you enlighten all of us as to what the difference is? The difference between being the AP as to being the BS?

 

Why does one hurt more than the other?

[NotCamelot]

So NC, you have been on both sides, both the WS and the BS. Why did YOU get over the betrayal so quickly as the WS, but now deal with daily mind movies as the BS?

 

You alone have more clues to this than many of us?

 

Why do you think that is? Was your AP a means to getting laid, but your wife's affair plagues you daily.

 

Can you enlighten all of us as to what the difference is? The difference between being the AP as to being the BS?

 

Why does one hurt more than the other?

 

 

Well, first, my AP was 1200 miles away. The only contact was phone, email, text. (We did have some history from 35 years ago.) Though it got pretty intense and promises were made to each other. The thought of "getting laid" never entered into my head. I was in search of a different life. Not a justification, it was wrong. I hurt my W badly. I saw it, I knew it then and I still know it now. And, over the last 2 1/2 years, she has made off-hand comments about it. She would not let it go at all. ........until now. I guess her A contained some amount of revenge, even though she says it did not.

 

After thinking about some comments here and what I said, I think the same applied back then. As the WS, I had 2 women that wanted me. That did indeed feel good. And losing one.......well I still had one after that. But as the BS, there is isolation, desolation, betrayal, loss of self, desparation, etc. that you don't really feel as the WS -- at least I didn't.

 

As the WS, I felt guilty, ashamed, and remorseful.....and I really felt severe pain for hurting my W. But as we moved forward, I felt better quickly.

 

Now, as the BS, it has been just 2 months (today) since d-day. A lot of the pain in my chest has subsided. There were days that I did not know if I could go on living. Many of you know the pain I am referring to. But, now the worst is just the thoughts of the 2 times that they were together physically. My W did not have to deal with those kind of thoughts because they never happened.

 

In the 22 years I have known my W, she has never been one to talk her feelings......she grew up in a household with an alcoholic mother and a non-affectionate father, who divorced twice. They all kept their feelings to themselves and never talked about anything like that. And, to this day, she will not talk about emotional feelings to anyone. So, it is hard for me to see how her A has effected her.

 

So, maybe the difference, in some cases, is the WS has at least 2 people that want them and they mainly have to struggle with a choice of which one to keep. Then getting over the turmoil is easier because they have what they want at that point. Sure they have to build trust with the one they want and live with the pain that they caused. But the eupohria of they A has probably taken most of the edge off.

 

The BS has to live with the thoughts of what the WS did and deal with all those thoughts minute-by-minute on a daily basis.......feeling alone and "thrown away", discarded as trash....not good enough anymore, replaced...etc. I think there are more emotions to deal with as the BS, and much greater hurt than there is living with what you did as the WS.

 

I don't think the WS feels as bad as the BS......been there, both sides......believe me.

 

I wonder if any female WS's would tell me how they felt after D-day and the days going forward staying in the M?

Edited July 17, 2012 by NotCamelot

[Spark1111]

Well, I am former BS, and a female, and what killed me was what he invested emotionally, romantically into his OW while I was starving for attention and dying on the vine.

 

Countless hours of intimate conversation, joking, laughing, fun, really LISTENING with admiration was EXACTLY what I wanted, needed and he gave it to her, not me.

 

The physical aspects were hurtful, but not as much, for ME and I think a lot of women can relate to this. The flowers, the cards, the time, the romance, the fun, the attention he gave her, hurt me more.

 

I have read that for many men, it is exactly the opposite: the mind movies of the physical act KILLS.

 

Is it possible you underestimated the pain your EA caused your wife?

 

Is it possible, (and this is common male thought processes) that because your affair wasn't physical, it should NOT have hurt her for as long or as deeply as it did?

 

Becaue women and men can be very different in this regard and I do think it should be considered.

 

Because I can relate to that pain.

[NotCamelot]

Well, I am former BS, and a female, and what killed me was what he invested emotionally, romantically into his OW while I was starving for attention and dying on the vine.

 

Countless hours of intimate conversation, joking, laughing, fun, really LISTENING with admiration was EXACTLY what I wanted, needed and he gave it to her, not me.

 

The physical aspects were hurtful, but not as much, for ME and I think a lot of women can relate to this. The flowers, the cards, the time, the romance, the fun, the attention he gave her, hurt me more.

 

I have read that for many men, it is exactly the opposite: the mind movies of the physical act KILLS.

 

Is it possible you underestimated the pain your EA caused your wife?

 

Is it possible, (and this is common male thought processes) that because your affair wasn't physical, it should NOT have hurt her for as long or as deeply as it did?

 

Becaue women and men can be very different in this regard and I do think it should be considered.

 

Because I can relate to that pain.

 

 

You describe what hurt my W.....the attention, words used toward the OW were what her hurt my W so badly. She knew there was no physical contact, but she was devastated just the same. I remember her crying some everyday for a while.

 

For my part, the words she and her AP used bothered me but nowhere as much as the physical part. For me, and probably most men, that was just words and easy to erase. But I live with the fact that the sex between them is something I feel she will always remember. And I wonder how often she thinks or will think about that. That hurts.

 

And, yes, I did have the feeling that my A, being emotional only, should have been easier to get over. I know now that that is not the case when the BS is female.

 

As a result, I did indeed underestimate her pain over what I did.

 

The "mind movies" are less frequent now. For some reason though, they hit me each and every morning as I get out of bed. Why do they have to be my waking thoughts every day? If that would stop it would be a lot easier.

 

Last Thursday, I was wandering aimlessly through the house and she kept asking me to sit with her. I wanted to, badly, but am trying to not be too "clingy". I finally walked to her and lost it....started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't help it or stop it. She stood up and hugged me - telling me "oh baby, please don't cry, it is all over, it's in the past....it stopped 2 months ago.....baby, please don't cry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry". She stood there holding me for about 10 minutes......it did help and I believe her.

 

And as hard as I try, it still effects me.

 

Again, I think the BS has a tougher path to follow. I think a lot of the difference is the BS feels as if something is done TO them.

Edited July 17, 2012 by NotCamelot

[neveragain2012]

I am female and a former WS, BS, and OW. I've got all the bases covered. Not proud, just saying...

 

I cheated on my first husband. Multiple times. They were primarily sexual affairs, one more involved. I cheated because I just plain ole wasn't happy with my marriage. He was a nice guy, we got along, the sex was good, I just thought of him more as a friend than a husband. He never found out about my affairs. Suspected I'm sure, but never had proof; no Dday. On hindsight I'm sure that probably made it worse. I ended our marriage because I knew cheating wasn't right, that if I could cheat on him I didn't love him like I should. We didn't have kids, easier, but not easy by any means. We were married 5 years.

 

My second marriage was 11 years. He cheated on me a couple of times. I forgave the first affair and we worked on our marriage. Things got better. A lot better. The second affair was harder. He was military and it turned out he had 2 affairs during the same deployment but I found out about them a year apart. For him it was old news, for me it was like it just happened. Eventually he strayed again, this time I found out when he left me for her. What made it worse was he lied about it. Swore he was just leaving, wasn't happy, etc etc. He wouldn't tell me where he lived, wouldn't take the kids to his house, all because he had to hide that he was living with is OW. This definitely added insult to injury. I knew how my first husband must have felt, not getting that validation of KNOWING there was an affair but never having your spouse own up to it. It damn near drove me crazy! Did he think I was that stupid? Or that he was that slick? Yes, yes he did. I know this because I thought I was that slick.

 

I've been divorced and single for 5 years. 3 years ago I became the OW. I know, I know, horrible. Knowing how it makes the wife feel I still did that. It was awful and I'm sure I'm damned to hell for it. He never said he would leave his wife. Never promised me anything but what we had. He lived 200 miles away, the majority of our relationship was phone, text, and email. We saw each other once a month or so. We were found out several times, each time he begged and pleaded for her forgiveness, each time swearing he'd never speak to me again, each time not having the will power to stay away from me.

 

We are currently 41 days into NC. She found us out again and he said this time thats it. No more. I agreed. I can't ride this rollercoaster anymore. I deleted my FB, deactivated my email, etc.

 

Is it easier for the WS? Hell yeah it is! I felt some guilt but the fun I was having severely outweighed the guilt. Did I minimize the hurt I caused my husband? Definitely. Not on purpose. Because I didn't love him like he did me I didn't understand why it was such a big deal. Sounds silly but think of it this way: dorky guy has crush on girl. Girl has nothing but platonic feelings for guy. She dates, talks about the men she dates to guy. It means nothing to her but its like a knife in the chest every time he hears about it. Make sense?

 

Being the BS sucked. I had mind movies. But I do agree that it was the emotional part of the affair that destroyed me. I was a spouse that wanted to know EVERYTHING. I couldn't help it! And I couldn't drop it. He swore I brought it up every single day for the next 2 years. I didn't feel like I brought it up hardly at all. It was probably somewhere in between. Of course he didn't help. He told our MC that I said I'd forgive him so I needed to get over it. Doesn't work that way. He felt like it was a mistake, I should forgive him so we could move on. That obviously didn't work.

 

As the OW I knew the hurt and anguish I was helping to cause MM's wife. I knew when she found out all the questions she would have, all the mental pictures, all the everything. The next to last time she found out was valentines day this year. She saw pictures of the flowers he had sent. I can't imagine it. And yet I still went back to him more than willingly. Every time she found out it tore him up and he knew he had to stop. He was legitimately in distress. He couldn't believe he had jeopardized his marriage, blah blah blah. And yet I know this because I'm the one he called. He told her part of the reason he strayed was lack of sex, lack of adventurous sex. I knew this, not a surprise. He has since gone back to her, now saying that sex isn't that important, he doesn't need it, his marriage is more important than sex. No, his security is more important. Fear of being alone is more important. He'll cheat again. Not with me...but he'll cheat again.

 

The bottom line is an affair is a no win situation for all parties involved. I cheated, left my husband, and hurt someone I really did care about. But I would have hurt him more by staying.

 

Being the BS was by far the worst position. So many different emotions. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Why didn't he want me? What's so much better about her? And the list goes on. It takes a long long time to realize it's not you, its them. Some people I'm sure never do.

 

As the OW I think my mindset on that was screw it! Juvenile and morally corrupt, but that was it. It's my turn to throw caution to the wind. He was going to cheat anyway, already had a few times before me. So why shouldn't I reap the benefits? So reap I did. It's a self destructive path. I tried dating during the time of our A and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't meet a decent man. Karma. Do nice things, nice things happen. Do bad things, bad things happen (Thank you My Name is Earl!). Did I really expect to meet a nice decent trustworthy man while I was knowingly and willingly screwing someone else's husband. Me thinks not.

 

I'm sorry to all the BS's out there. I did my damage, suffered the consequences, and did my damage all over again. What will Karma have in store for me next???? Only time will tell.

[NotCamelot]

Neveragain2012

What a story and I wish you well going forward.

 

I bet if we conducted a poll, we'd find the BS has the worst and longest hurt of all.

 

I don't know if I could ever have been the OM. Though I know that my wife's OM is married......but I also know that his W was 8 months into an A of her own.......his W told me this when I called her to tell her what her husband was doing.

 

Sounds like a lot of f'd up people here, right. He caught his wife screwing a married guy.....he followed them after being suspicious for a while. He contacted my wife on Facebook because they were boyfriend/girlfriend 25 years ago. My W was still hurting over my EA 2 years before and felt I did not love her. So the two of them talked about their situation (secretly, they thought) and made emotional comittments and then physical contact, twice. And then I found out..... All of this happened, beginning to end, in 7 weeks.

 

And I have had thoughts about my OW who is still single. I have had thoughts of revenge sex with a stranger. All of these thoughts happen when we are apart. As long as I can see my W, be with her, all I can think is how much I love her and will never hurt her. And while I do have these other thoughts, I will never act on them. I feel these thoughts are out of what is turning into anger more than hurt.

 

But, again, reading your story, it confirms my feeling. The BS is hurt the worst and probably takes the most effort and longest time to recover...IF that is possible.

[Snowflower]

Neveragain2012

 

 

And I have had thoughts about my OW who is still single. I have had thoughts of revenge sex with a stranger. All of these thoughts happen when we are apart. As long as I can see my W, be with her, all I can think is how much I love her and will never hurt her. And while I do have these other thoughts, I will never act on them. I feel these thoughts are out of what is turning into anger more than hurt.

 

 

NC, I am finding your posts and thread here interesting.

 

Could you please expand on what you wrote above? Why is it when you are with your wife you realize you how much you love her? Is it an out of sight, out of mind sort of thing for you?

 

Just trying to understand.

[2sure]

You know how sometimes a WS will say...it didnt mean anything, it wasn't important, it was just stupid.?

 

They mean it. It was an awful, horrible , hurtful thing to do to you and feels that way to you.

 

And as bad as they may feel for hurting you, IT just wasn't that important to them. They can move on more easily from it.

 

However on my end as the BS...it hurt more knowing he risked me for something so unimportant to him.