Coming to terms with maybe being the transition relationship

[k100danny]

So I think i might have been the transition relationship (rebound) I knew my ex wasn't out of a 4 year relationship long when we got together and she said she was just looking to date at first but she was over her ex and it had been more like friends for the last year.

 

Anyway we kind of took it slow but i did mention i was worried i was a rebound and she assured me this wasn't the case, she seemed VERY into me but we argued quite a bit, she was very jealous, controlling and picky about things and i always questioned her happiness and said why are you with me if everything annoys you ect and she assured me she was happy.

 

She was commitment phobic or anything and she was the one who I would say liked me more at the beginning and she was the one who wanted to make it known we were a couple (this was after around 2.5 months) I wasn't in any rush to announce it to the world but was perfectly fine with it also. I knew she always had plans to go travelling and said a lot had happened over the last year, broke up with a long term boyfriend who she had given up travelling for before, her dad getting cancer ect and said she just needed to get away. I should have taken this as a red flag. She seemed committed to the relationship though and i didn't have a reason to doubt her honesty, I wasn't jealous of her ex ect.

 

The reason I think i was the rebound is she was quite depressed, she said it was her job ect and she needed to get away and she wanted us to stay together while she was away but it was something she needed to do, now This again I should have been thinking if i was the one I would be the one now not after you get things out of your system.

 

We fought quite a lot and i tried to make her happy, she seemed very happy for a few months then well we had an unplanned pregnancy and things went slightly sour after the abortion. she did perk up again though and said she wasnt sure she wanted to go travelling, said she didnt want to leave me ect this was the day she was leaving and she said she would stay if i asked her to but i couldnt do that.

 

The other reason i think she was a rebound is we had broke up for a couple of days before, she would act out and do this quite often and had stormed away from me many times, as soon as we broke up she added her e on facebook and I guess she thought I can do this again now i am fully over you. She said it was to make me jealous but I'm not too sure, she ended up deleting him straight away and we got back together.

 

anyway we broke up a month ago, i was taking the fact she had left hard and become withdrawn thinking how can this ever work and I guess she knew i wasn't feeling it the same either. I do find it hard to walk away from relationship and i have never been a dumper once. Maybe if i was different i would have walked away sooner but I felt i needed someone.

 

after we broke up this time for good we chatted a bit and she would text now and again for the first couple of weeks saying she still thought of me and hoped i was well then i asked her to delete me from facebook and if it was over then i didn't like hearing from her, i wasn't being mean but i needed to let go. she didnt reply and left it a week then deleted me. I know i should have but i looked on her ex's facebook page and she had added him again, he is in a relationship now but has contacted her all the time they have been split up still wanting her.

 

And now two weeks after she told me she still thought of me everyday and it looks like she has a new love, THIS IS THE REASON YOU GO NC!!!!!!!!! AND BLOCK EVERYTHING. On a beach looking happy with someone she recently met in a bikini knelt between his legs. It ripped me apart and i feel worse now then when we actually broke up. I guess i was still hanging onto some hope or that she would contact me. This has led me to believe i was basically filling time until she went away and that she hadn't really move on from her ex and was ready for a real relationsip. I feel like i've prepared her for a new loving relationship and that is horrible to feel. Im not saying this new guy will be the one for her, different cultures, he doesnt speak great english ect but I know feel she is fully over her long term relationship and could end up being a decent catch. Im so angry right now, But im angry at myself too for allowing it to happen.

 

I messaged her twice last night on facebook before blocking her so she couldnt reply, the first one was a bit ****ty basically saying send my stuff back youve clearly had time, i am hurt youve gone from this to that in two weeks ect ect and the second one basically said look im sorry if that seemed nasty (I just can't be a nasty person) I said i was just a bit shocked even though i kind of expected it to happen but could she please send the stuff back so i dont get it in a month or so and i can just move on, i wouldnt care if not for the sentimental value. I also said of course you are entitled to move on and i hope youre happy i truly do, and that everything works out for you now and in the future. I don't have bad feelings I knew she wasn't happy and i can't be mad for her making hrself happy. I said maybe we will see each other some time in the future and to take care. I mentioned i was blocking her so i could move on and we wouldnt be speaking again.

 

I'm sorry this is more of a rant than anything else I just feel so anxious and emotional today. really wish i had blocked her or she had me so I didn't see that. I knew we were over but i probably still had the glimmer of hope even though i know it wouldnt have resulted in a good relationship. I'm getting better in relationships with the help of loveshack and it has been my rock twice now. Thanks guys

[Philosoraptor]

Sorry you had to go through this. It does seem to be pretty clear that you were a rebound even though you knew going into it that it would be the case. Hopefully the lesson you'll learn from this is to trust yourself more than you trust the words of someone else.

[Stanza]

She goes from one to the next, to the next.... So she hasn't learnt. And will have the same problems over and over.

 

However, you will move on and find better. Definitely.

 

Sorry you went through this though.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, sorry dude. But NC is the way to go. I, no,w understand why you want the watch back and if she has a thread a descency she will send it back to you with no questions asked through the mail. But, be warned. She now knows that you know. She may include a long letter trying to explain her actions. Don't waste your time, rip it up because it's just full of crap on why you guys didn't work and the other dude isn't the reason you two broke up....blah...blah....

 

She may reach out to you to try to explain herself because she might be feeling guilty. Women hate that fact that there might be someone in the world that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. So, it wouldn't surprise me if she tries to explain herself with a bunch of lies.

[k100danny]

Yeah I think that is why i had to actually block her, I know she can't call me.

 

We were having a lot of trouble before she met this guy, probably only met him maybe the day before or the day after we broke up, infact i think it may have been afterwards so I don't think he was the reason. we werent getting along but I'm sure that is why she stopped contacted me because she had something new to focus on, as i say she would contact me if i didnt contact her for a few days wishing me well ect then obviously as this guy came in she didnt need that.

 

I don't know if i was always the rebound relationship if that makes sense, it maybe started out that way, she had dated a few other people before me also but i definitely think it started out that way. To be honest it wasn't the best relationship but for whatever reason I couldn't let go and i put up with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. I was often made to feel guilty and felt controlled, At one point i actually sat in the bath and cried that i felt so low so it's hard to think im still pining for her now.

 

I did a lot of soul searching after a previous relationship broke down and I think it made me a better person, I don't wish her harm and I wouldn't wish unhappiness on anyone even though im heartbroken I wouldnt like to think she had a unhappy life. I don't know if she is happy now with this new guy, or if she is again filling a void as they are from very different backgrounds so maybe it's the holiday romance kind of thing I don't know. It is still very hard to see.

 

I think she might be acting out also, she didnt delete me from facebook when i asked and she didnt block me, she only deleted me on a day when my ex girlfriend previous to her commented on some things on my facebook page (she is a good friend of mine now one of the best) there is nothing going on between us romantically and she has a great new boyfriend and im happy for her. So i think some of this might be the i'll show you kind of thing also.

 

Anyway I will never know as we never get the true answers, it's definitely hard to think you tried so hard with someone who it would never have worked with, put yourself through tears and pain and being ut down, spending your money and trying to make them happy but it didn't work.

 

I do believe the current relationship will fail and either fizzle out or end in tears and sooner or later she will have to process emotions from a lot of things, when she returns to this country and doesnt have any money, a job, and is almost 30 years old she will realise you can't run away from things and you can move and make yourself happy for a while but ultimately happiness is within you and it doesn't matter where your feet are, it just feels that way for a short time.

 

Many of my friends told me about her being irrational ect but you know you never listen, or maybe thats just because I seemed to be looking for someone and she gave me that.

 

Thanks again for letting me rant guys. It's been a tough couple of days but contact is now full NC and hopefully the healing process starts now.

[ihateslowjams]

Yeah, my ex also got out of a 4 yr relationship before me and we started going out 2 months after they broke up. We dated for 3 1/2 yrs after and she broke it off because she isn't in love with me anymore. I also was very reluctant in the beginning, but she kept pushing and was the one who made it known to the world that we were official.

 

I know exactly how u feel. It makes u wonder if the relationship was real or fake. Try to get that watch back if u really want it. Afterwards, stick to strict NC. I immediately went to NC and didn't feel that pain u felt when u saw the new pictures on her facebook.

 

I think right now, u should try to focus on ways to improve yourself and your life. Everytime u think of her, start doing push ups or continue the activities of improving your life. Stay active and go out with your friends. Staying home not doing anything will hurt u more than it sounds. Also, try to read some self-help books to help improve your intellect and emotional maturity. I bought a few books that I plan to read after my summer classes end.

 

Stay strong. It'll only be a matter of time before life gets better. Have there been things you've always wanted to do? Like skydive or pick up billiards?

[k100danny]

Thanks. Yeah the watch is a big thing that i would like back but after seeing the picture I'm just trying to move on, if it comes back it does and if not then I just have to learn from the mistake. The annoying thing is before she left she was insistant she wanted to say in the relationship when she left even though i was having doubts saying how would this work? and don't be naive and think love conquers all because distance doesnt make the heart grow fonder, she basically said if i loved her i would try and I think on some level I thought to myself, you just dont want to handle the break up now you want to leave and let it drift apart instead of facing it. I think this was a very selfish move by her but she was very selfish.

 

 

I do a lot of reading when i hit a low point, I tend to read psychology things and try to understand myself and my actions more and other people more really. This has helped me to not be as bitter toward people and to understand basic human emotions better which i think a lot of people dont.

 

Well basically I have panic disorder which means i suffer with anxiety and have panic attacks, My main aim is to try and overcoe this, improve my quality of like and also my life satisfaction. she used to hold this against me quite a bit and make me feel like a child for having panic disorder and constantly told me it wasnt a real illness like cancer and i should just man up and get over it. Now i do udnerstand her frustration with my disorder but having a go at someone with anxiety issues is not how to make them get better, I need supprtive people around me and people who love you don't treat you that way anyway.

 

I consider myself a very good person, a loyal person and I treat people well. I have never been unfaithful in a relationship but i am not claiming to be perfect, I have my issues and I acknowledge them fully and take responsibility for them. One day I will hopefully get less attached to anyone who gives me attention and be able to find out what i really want from my life.

 

I hope you are getting through your relationship ending well also. thank you for your replies.