youngskywalker Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 My g/f and I have been long distance for almost a year now. We see each other about once a month, which is fine with me because I'm a very independent person. She misses me a lot and wants to get married this winter to close the gap. I'm very apprehensive about jumping into marriage and don't believe I'll be able to make a decision anytime soon. Anyway, she's a wonderful, awesome girl. However even though we don't see each other much I still feel smothered and pressured. We talk on the phone everyday and most of the time I just hear how much she misses me and wants to be with me blah blah blah. I appreciate that someone has feelings for me but I almost take it as her complaining all the time. Every time I talk to her I hear the "complaint" about how we are not together and it's wearing on me. It's almost like she isn't giving me the chance to miss her. So even though we are long distance, sometimes it's nice to have a day or two apart from talking on the phone so I can develop that feeling of loss. Even if it's just for one day. Anyone else gone through this?
mortensorchid Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I was in an LDR a few years ago, the right way as you seem to be doing. Because if you're not going to see each other at least once a month, you will do a lot of fantasizing, so I am happy to hear that you two are doing that part right. Have you asked her to get married? If so, then your chatting everyday is feasible. If not, then I would suggest you have a week or so where you don't. Because you both like and need space in order to be sure that you are not too wrapped up in yourselves to do this. YOu don't want to make a bad choice here, and this is a big choice to make. You said you feel pressured, you will feel pressured in the future.
january2011 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 sometimes it's nice to have a day or two apart from talking on the phone so I can develop that feeling of loss. Even if it's just for one day. What will you do when you live together and you see each other every day? Would you still feel smothered? If you value your independence much more than you value spending time with this girl then it suggests some kind of incompatibility - you're not ready for her/this relationship. I suspect that the reason why you are hesitant to close the gap is that you don't actually want to close the gap, because it would mean giving up your independence. On some level, she probably senses this and thus she's insecure and holding onto you even more tightly, which makes you feel even more smothered. And so on and so forth. What is your timetable for marriage? If it does not match hers, you need to be open and honest with her. Either ask for more time (a specified period, say another six months to a year - doable if you're young, but perhaps not if you're a lot older) and then you will both review the situation. Or tell her that winter is too soon for you and you don't think it's going to work between the two of you. 1
veggirl Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Why are you long distance? How would marriage change that? Is she long distance *because* you aren't married? Or for some reason (ie school) that would keep her there anyway? Anyway, that aside, considering you only see her once a month I would think you'd WANT to talk to her every day. I see my BF usually 3x per week and we still talk every day. Why wouldn't we...? If you don't even want to TALK to her daily, why are you with her? if you need time to miss her in order to want her, then you don't really want her. What is it that keeps you with her? The approx 29 days per month you don't see her aren't enough time apart to miss her? I'm genuinely curious as to why you are with her. Were you guys ever not long distance? If so, for how long were you together (in the same city) before becoming LD?
Author youngskywalker Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I suspect that the reason why you are hesitant to close the gap is that you don't actually want to close the gap, because it would mean giving up your independence. On some level, she probably senses this and thus she's insecure and holding onto you even more tightly, which makes you feel even more smothered. And I suspect that could be pretty accurate. I really like her a lot but the catch is, if I feel pressured to do something... you guessed it, I can't bring myself to do it. Something like marriage needs to be a self decision that comes from the heart. If you have someone giving you an ultimatum then it gets very uncomfortable. Yes, she's already told me I have until this winter to marry her or at least put a ring on her finger or she'll leave me. I think it's a bad strategy move on her part to say that because truth be told if she let me do the chasing I really think I WOULD. All said, I don't blame her either. Most women who are looking for marriage aren't going to sit around for more than two years with a guy and waste time. I'm not pointing blame to her. Good news is, in a few months we are going to spend a lot of time together. I'll be able to come home for a couple months.
Author youngskywalker Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Were you guys ever not long distance? If so, for how long were you together (in the same city) before becoming LD? Together for 6 months then I moved out of state because my company transfered me. I'm going back to headquarters this winter for a couple months so we'll get to spend a lot of time together. Then in the spring out of state again. She's trying to work out moving out by me permanently but she'll have to quit her job and all. I would hate myself if she moved and things didn't work out in the long run. To her, marriage = closing the gap. She won't move in with me unless we are married. I think it's to save face with her conservative parents.
Author youngskywalker Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 if you need time to miss her in order to want her, then you don't really want her. Precisely why I'm writing this. You state the obvious but I'm not sure it's always true. I think everyone needs a certain amount of physical or mental space. LD or not, doesn't matter. Or.... that's all B.S. and I'm really not in love with this girl. What is love anyway?
veggirl Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Thank you for the additional info How old are the two of you? Now, in reply to you, Together for 6 months then I moved out of state because my company transfered me. I'm going back to headquarters this winter for a couple months so we'll get to spend a lot of time together. Then in the spring out of state again. She's trying to work out moving out by me permanently but she'll have to quit her job and all. I would hate myself if she moved and things didn't work out in the long run. To her, marriage = closing the gap. She won't move in with me unless we are married. I think it's to save face with her conservative parents. Okay, so you have been together for 1.5 years. I can understand her wanting to know if this is headed for marriage or not at this point. What do you say to her when she gives you these ultimatums (ring by winter or I'm out)? Have you told her you need this space? People have different needs, obviously, and that's fine, but are yours compatible? I'm curious as to what January also asked, what about when you are married and you see her daily? I can totally understand her fear of quitting her job, uprooting her life, and moving for...nothing (if you don't end up marrying her). I agree with her that you should be engaged before moving in (and am not conservative at all in general) and def should be engaged before moving across state lines for someone. I mean if she moved and you guys just broke up after a few months then it was really for nothing. So that is understandable, definitely! Precisely why I'm writing this. You state the obvious but I'm not sure it's always true. I think everyone needs a certain amount of physical or mental space. LD or not, doesn't matter. Or.... that's all B.S. and I'm really not in love with this girl. What is love anyway? I understand needing time for yourself. I guess you need to figure out if the time you need for yourself is compatible with the time she needs together. I don't think being in love means you need to be in constant contact or anything, but esp being LD I would def expect at least a 15 min phone call, daily. How much contact does she need? If it's hours and hours a night, yes that could be draining!
bobsmith76 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) My g/f and I have been long distance for almost a year now. We see each other about once a month, which is fine with me because I'm a very independent person. She misses me a lot and wants to get married this winter to close the gap. I'm very apprehensive about jumping into marriage and don't believe I'll be able to make a decision anytime soon. Anyway, she's a wonderful, awesome girl. However even though we don't see each other much I still feel smothered and pressured. We talk on the phone everyday and most of the time I just hear how much she misses me and wants to be with me blah blah blah. I appreciate that someone has feelings for me but I almost take it as her complaining all the time. Every time I talk to her I hear the "complaint" about how we are not together and it's wearing on me. It's almost like she isn't giving me the chance to miss her. So even though we are long distance, sometimes it's nice to have a day or two apart from talking on the phone so I can develop that feeling of loss. Even if it's just for one day. Anyone else gone through this? No I haven't gone through this, but my advice is to go ahead and tie the knot. It's very hard to meet someone that you share a connection with. People often mistakenly feel that they're going to find Miss Perfect in the future but the fact of the matter is everyone is flawed and sooner or later we have to swallow the harsh reality that we can't have everything we want. If you fail to marry her you most likely will start to regret after one year that you've been single. Then when you do find someone new most likely she will be no better or worse than the one you rejected. So save yourself two years of regret and marry her. Edited July 13, 2012 by bobsmith76
Author youngskywalker Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 If you fail to marry her you most likely will start to regret after one year that you've been single.... So save yourself two years of regret and marry her. I know I would regret it if I let her slide by. I believe you can't go by what everyone else has gone through. One must pave a new and successful path. But really, I know so many people that have ended up in divorce and that scares me. The court system is geared toward the benefit of the woman if a divorce would ever happen. It's not as easy as "just get married". Let's all just be honest. No single decision will change the course of your life more than marriage. I don't think it's something to be taken lightly. I'd rather regret being single than regret being married any freaking day of the week! With that said, I'm not saying I don't love this girl. I just need more time solidify our relationship.
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