Just Lost Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 This would be my first post and have never done the blog/thread posting but I'm in need of help and need outside perspectives of those who don't know my husband or myself. Background story: together 3 years, married for 2, no kids, just pets. We started dating over the phone because we lives states away from one another, I ended up moving close to his area and we got together. Now, we NEVER had a 'honeymoon' stage, never had butterflies, no romance. We just had so much in common, same sense of humor, best friend, generally attractive but not stunning-personality didn't make him more cute. We got married, wedding was awful, no sparks when we kissed, sex-was and has been awful since day one, I thought it was all stress but.... you can't be stressed for 3 years straight. We saw doctors for premature ejaculation, stamina, used EVERYTHING, we've exhausted all options. Now, I don't want him to touch me, kiss me, touch me, I don't feel it when he says I love you and expects me to say it back. So why am I here? He's BEYOND nice, doting, and would do anything for me. I don't know what to do, all I think about is finding someone who will do all those things and really feel live-in did I make a mistake or what can I do to fix it?
CarrieT Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I don't know what to do, all I think about is finding someone who will do all those things and really feel live-in did I make a mistake or what can I do to fix it? You can do the nice and honorable thing and end the relationship because you realize you made a mistake. You don't love him and you certainly shouldn't stay with him because he dotes on you and is a nice guy.
GLDheart Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Yep. What you should do is NOT BE MARRIED. Whatever you do after that is secondary.
Furious Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Just because you no longer feel love for him does not mean you can no longer respect him. Instead of cheating on him, give him the respect he deserves and tell him you cannot return his love, and set him free.
Author Just Lost Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Thanks to you both, another question, am I being unreasonable? I don't have anyone on mind to cheat with but I just imagine being with others. Everyone I know says 'there's more to marriage than just love' but what if it's not there at all...?
Author Just Lost Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Just because you no longer feel love for him does not mean you can no longer respect him. Instead of cheating on him, give him the respect he deserves and tell him you cannot return his love, and set him free. I wouldnt cheat and disrespect him, he's been nothing but wonderful, but I need to know if the things I'm feeling are normal and what to do to make them pass or if they're not and what I should to, any further advice?
Furious Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I wouldnt cheat and disrespect him, he's been nothing but wonderful, but I need to know if the things I'm feeling are normal and what to do to make them pass or if they're not and what I should to, any further advice? Why are you so afraid to divorce him, why is the possibility of cheating on him more acceptable than going your separate ways? It's not abnormal to want a marriage that is both physically and emotionally intimate. You can't make yourself feel what you don't feel. 2
Author Just Lost Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Why are you so afraid to divorce him, why is the possibility of cheating on him more acceptable than going your separate ways? It's not abnormal to want a marriage that is both physically and emotionally intimate. You can't make yourself feel what you don't feel. I wouldn't act while married, these feelings and thoughts are there but after.everything I couldn't disrespect my best friend that way. Have you been divorced? Its just a scary thought... I don't want to hurt my best friend like that, it would kill him. I don't know if I should stick it out and see if the feelings pass or let him go? Opinion?
MoneyWorld Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think people commenting may be misinterpreting the title of the thread. To me it seems you are saying is that you are married, unhappy, and sometimes you think about cheating although you would never do it and you want to know if this is normal. In a nutshell, is it normal to feel unfulfilled in a marriage when there are many positives in it. Is it really the relationship that's broken, or is it you. Is it worth throwing away the relationship if it turns out it's something within you that is unfulfilled, or is it worth sticking around in a relationship if it turns out it's not you at all but that you just aren't meant to be together. I shouldn't add any of my own comments or views on it, but maybe it helps clarify the question better if indeed that's the question you were asking. 1
Author Just Lost Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I think people commenting may be misinterpreting the title of the thread. To me it seems you are saying is that you are married, unhappy, and sometimes you think about cheating although you would never do it and you want to know if this is normal. In a nutshell, is it normal to feel unfulfilled in a marriage when there are many positives in it. Is it really the relationship that's broken, or is it you. Is it worth throwing away the relationship if it turns out it's something within you that is unfulfilled, or is it worth sticking around in a relationship if it turns out it's not you at all but that you just aren't meant to be together. I shouldn't add any of my own comments or views on it, but maybe it helps clarify the question better if indeed that's the question you were asking. That is exactly my question and predicament. Thank you for clarifying for not only myself but those that respond. I would like your input if willing. All personal situations, experiences and points of view help. Again, if you're willing.
MoneyWorld Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Okay, well as a warning my advice and insight could very likely cost you more than what just walking away from your current situation would cost. The vast majority here will completely disagree with my views, and I understand that, but the opinions that I've formed have been as a direct result of my own personal struggles and how I managed to finally overcome them. Quick background - I was in a horrible marriage where there was pettiness, disrespect, and both emotional and physical abuse. We should have never been together and we both knew it but neither of us were strong enough mentally to get away. I ended up meeting someone else, a friend at first, but after a while it became more than that. It ended up becoming a full blown affair that went on for about a year. After a year I had healed enough mentally that I was able to get out of my marriage. My affair partner and I married a couple of years later and have been together, very happily, for almost 20 years now. In my situation I needed reassurance and proof that I could be happy, that there was something better out there for me. What many people fail to realize is that when you are mentally unwell you just can't easily walk away from a situation, no matter how bad it is. It's like telling an Anorexic "Just eat something" and when they say they can't, telling them "Then just go to counseling and get help that way". These things all make sense to someone who is capable of making those kinds of logical decisions, but it still doesn't make the person trapped by their own issues all better. As horrific as it sounds, and I know tons of people will hate on this... but you have to make yourself happy first. It's selfish and self centered, but at the end of it all it won't matter if you've made a thousand people happy if you end up miserable. Many times there are ways you can be happy and keep others happy and that's great. But there are also times that you have to sacrifice the happiness of someone else for your own. If you are unsure whether to leave or to stay, I'd suggest taking time to figure it out. That doesn't mean he has to know, or that you have to discuss it with him. But somewhere, both inside of you and outside in the world is the answer. Take the time to socialize yourself to the idea of both being in the marriage long term and out of the marriage next week/month/year. Experience what it would be like to be single again - do things like you are already out of the relationship and see how you feel about it. That doesn't mean you have to cheat with someone, or even get involved with someone else. Try experimenting with living your life for you and you alone. It could be that your answer will come from doing that. 2
PuntserVA Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Have been there and done that. Finding someone outside your marriage while still in it will eventually be more destructive than simply deciding to divorce. Even if he isn't the man you want him to be, he's still human. And you'll regret how you treated him. You don't want that for yourself, trust me. It's harder -- but better -- to get some IC and figure out what the best step for you is. It might be divorce, and that you will survive too. And then you'll be equipped to find someone else, because you'll know yourself better. Like I said, this is the harder path. But it's the better one, for you and your husband. And even the pets! :-) 1
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Okay, well as a warning my advice and insight could very likely cost you more than what just walking away from your current situation would cost. The vast majority here will completely disagree with my views, and I understand that, but the opinions that I've formed have been as a direct result of my own personal struggles and how I managed to finally overcome them. Quick background - I was in a horrible marriage where there was pettiness, disrespect, and both emotional and physical abuse. We should have never been together and we both knew it but neither of us were strong enough mentally to get away. I ended up meeting someone else, a friend at first, but after a while it became more than that. It ended up becoming a full blown affair that went on for about a year. After a year I had healed enough mentally that I was able to get out of my marriage. My affair partner and I married a couple of years later and have been together, very happily, for almost 20 years now. In my situation I needed reassurance and proof that I could be happy, that there was something better out there for me. What many people fail to realize is that when you are mentally unwell you just can't easily walk away from a situation, no matter how bad it is. It's like telling an Anorexic "Just eat something" and when they say they can't, telling them "Then just go to counseling and get help that way". These things all make sense to someone who is capable of making those kinds of logical decisions, but it still doesn't make the person trapped by their own issues all better. As horrific as it sounds, and I know tons of people will hate on this... but you have to make yourself happy first. It's selfish and self centered, but at the end of it all it won't matter if you've made a thousand people happy if you end up miserable. Many times there are ways you can be happy and keep others happy and that's great. But there are also times that you have to sacrifice the happiness of someone else for your own. If you are unsure whether to leave or to stay, I'd suggest taking time to figure it out. That doesn't mean he has to know, or that you have to discuss it with him. But somewhere, both inside of you and outside in the world is the answer. Take the time to socialize yourself to the idea of both being in the marriage long term and out of the marriage next week/month/year. Experience what it would be like to be single again - do things like you are already out of the relationship and see how you feel about it. That doesn't mean you have to cheat with someone, or even get involved with someone else. Try experimenting with living your life for you and you alone. It could be that your answer will come from doing that. While it ended up as many would like it, it should be noted that you cheated/had an affair and 99.9% of the time it will not work out as yours did. Those that jump from one relationship to another tend to be a mess. Until they learn to be by themselves for awhile, they usually stay a mess in my experience.
GLDheart Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 To the OP. You guys really haven't been together THAT long. I was with my EX for ten years. There were geat times and then not so great times. If I were to look at just the poor times (and ignore all the good times) maybe I would have felt what you feel too. I can't speak for your relationship but for me what made me happiest was to weather the rougher times and get back to the good. I truly loved my partner, she was my best friend, and I would have stayed with her for the rest of my life. p.s. The sexual chemistry we had was very good and to be fully truthful I think this helped me as a guy to get through those rough times :-)
frozensprouts Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 It doesn't sound as if cheating is morally acceptable to you...if you do it, it will change who you are, and you may well find that you don't like who you become, so I wold advise you not to do it. This goes against the advice given previously, but to me, if there is a problem in your marriage it is best solved if both spouses work together as a unit to try and find a solution. It sounds like you are your husband get along really well, as you sate that you are "best friends" so he may be more than willing to work on this with you. I can't see how a problem withn a marraige can be corrected or at least dealt with if both spouses don't know about it. If he's not willing to work with you, or if you are just too afraid to talk with him because of how he will react, think about what that tells you. Bottling your feelings up inside will slowly poison you...you need to let it out. Marriage counseling may be helpful to you...do you think he would go with you? it may end up being that you two just aren't able to be married to each other. If you have tried everything and it still doesn't feel right, then perhaps it's time to accept that and let go before you both grow to resent each other and it end sup being a whole lot more painful to end things. 1
reboot Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Now, we NEVER had a 'honeymoon' stage, never had butterflies, no romance. Did you just reach a certain age and thought, "I should marry someone" ?
BetrayedH Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Okay, well as a warning my advice and insight could very likely cost you more than what just walking away from your current situation would cost. The vast majority here will completely disagree with my views, and I understand that, but the opinions that I've formed have been as a direct result of my own personal struggles and how I managed to finally overcome them. Quick background - I was in a horrible marriage where there was pettiness, disrespect, and both emotional and physical abuse. We should have never been together and we both knew it but neither of us were strong enough mentally to get away. I ended up meeting someone else, a friend at first, but after a while it became more than that. It ended up becoming a full blown affair that went on for about a year. After a year I had healed enough mentally that I was able to get out of my marriage. My affair partner and I married a couple of years later and have been together, very happily, for almost 20 years now. In my situation I needed reassurance and proof that I could be happy, that there was something better out there for me. What many people fail to realize is that when you are mentally unwell you just can't easily walk away from a situation, no matter how bad it is. It's like telling an Anorexic "Just eat something" and when they say they can't, telling them "Then just go to counseling and get help that way". These things all make sense to someone who is capable of making those kinds of logical decisions, but it still doesn't make the person trapped by their own issues all better. As horrific as it sounds, and I know tons of people will hate on this... but you have to make yourself happy first. It's selfish and self centered, but at the end of it all it won't matter if you've made a thousand people happy if you end up miserable. Many times there are ways you can be happy and keep others happy and that's great. But there are also times that you have to sacrifice the happiness of someone else for your own. If you are unsure whether to leave or to stay, I'd suggest taking time to figure it out. That doesn't mean he has to know, or that you have to discuss it with him. But somewhere, both inside of you and outside in the world is the answer. Take the time to socialize yourself to the idea of both being in the marriage long term and out of the marriage next week/month/year. Experience what it would be like to be single again - do things like you are already out of the relationship and see how you feel about it. That doesn't mean you have to cheat with someone, or even get involved with someone else. Try experimenting with living your life for you and you alone. It could be that your answer will come from doing that. There should be a "dislike" button on here. Clearly this poster was broken inside and unable to deal with their situation. I don't get the impression that the OP has pyschological issues and needs to take the same drastic steps. Chances of affair partners making it the long term are about 3%. I also disagree about you not discussion this with your H. You're in a marriage. As to potentially cheating, everyone is tempted by others. Some have the integrity to keep their vows. Others don't and in my view, they pay a heavy price and almost never anticipate how much devastation is wrought to everyone around them. By marrying this man, mistake or not, you're obligated to either (1) Fix the marriage or (2) Release him from his obligation to you. Allow him the respect to make his own informed choice about his life in light of the truth of his marriage. Cheating keeps him faithful and committed with his life for the rest of his life. It is categorically unfair and hugely hurtful when discovered (and you should count on it being discovered). Cheating is option #3 and should simply not be considered as an option. Either fix the marriage or own up to fixing the mistake you made by getting married in the first place. 2
nofool4u Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 So why am I here? He's BEYOND nice, doting, and would do anything for me. I don't know what to do, all I think about is finding someone who will do all those things and really feel live-in did I make a mistake or what can I do to fix it? Yes, you can fix this. By getting a divorce since your H doesn't deserve a woman who cheats or wants to cheat. 1
96nole Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 If you have an ounce of respect for your husband, you'll at least try to fix the marriage with his help. Tell him you're unhappy with how things are. If the two of you together can't fix it, then you can see about divorcing and going your own separate ways. If you cheat on him, you will: Greatly harm him emasculate him possibly cause him to have trust issues the rest of his life. make him feel betrayed lose any respect and trust from him. others will lose respect for you Seems like a big price for a fling. And don't go by MoneyWorld's example. While it worked for them, it most likely won't for you. 1
MoneyWorld Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 As I mentioned, I wasn't advocating cheating. What I am advocating is trying to discover what the person really wants. Here's the breakdown of options and how the poster ends up: 1 - divorce, realize it was the right thing to do - win 2 - divorce, realize it was the wrong thing to do - lose 3 - stick it out, be unhappy - lose 4 - stick it out, be happy - win My option would be to not cheat in this situation, but to try and put ones self in the position of being single; going out and doing things alone, reconnecting with friends, trying to simulate single life a little bit (without the fooling around). If the poster finds they are happier this way, then divorce is probably the answer. If the poster finds they are miserable, then staying in the marriage is probably the answer.
GLDheart Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 My option would be to... ...put ones self in the position of being single... If the poster finds they are happier this way, then divorce is probably the answer. If the poster finds they are miserable, then staying in the marriage is probably the answer. That would be called a seperation. Doing this while trying to remain 100% in the relationship is pretty damn close to cheating. It is quite unfair because in this way YOU ARE NOT SINGLE. You are leveraging the comfort of your husband to be holding down the fort while you go out and test the waters. If I were her husband I would shut that down right quick. You want the door? There it is. 1
Furious Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 As I mentioned, I wasn't advocating cheating. What I am advocating is trying to discover what the person really wants. Here's the breakdown of options and how the poster ends up: 1 - divorce, realize it was the right thing to do - win 2 - divorce, realize it was the wrong thing to do - lose 3 - stick it out, be unhappy - lose 4 - stick it out, be happy - win My option would be to not cheat in this situation, but to try and put ones self in the position of being single; going out and doing things alone, reconnecting with friends, trying to simulate single life a little bit (without the fooling around). If the poster finds they are happier this way, then divorce is probably the answer. If the poster finds they are miserable, then staying in the marriage is probably the answer. Straight from the cheaters hand book. The grass is greener chapter. Basically you're advising her to separate but not inform her husband of this. Cherry picking at it's finest.
BetrayedH Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 As I mentioned, I wasn't advocating cheating. What I am advocating is trying to discover what the person really wants. Here's the breakdown of options and how the poster ends up: 1 - divorce, realize it was the right thing to do - win 2 - divorce, realize it was the wrong thing to do - lose 3 - stick it out, be unhappy - lose 4 - stick it out, be happy - win My option would be to not cheat in this situation, but to try and put ones self in the position of being single; going out and doing things alone, reconnecting with friends, trying to simulate single life a little bit (without the fooling around). If the poster finds they are happier this way, then divorce is probably the answer. If the poster finds they are miserable, then staying in the marriage is probably the answer. When you are married, you do not "put one self in the position of being single." You are, um, married. How about the concept of just plain recommitting to the marriage? For goodness sake. I put a lot of thought into be married and that it was forsaking all others and for life. Where the hell did all of these other options come into play? I never accepted the idea of divorcing my wife until she filed for divorce. Not even after her infidelity. Marriage is tough. Buckle in and keep your commitment. Getting thru the "worse" times is what makes the "better" times better.
Spark1111 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I was nervous, and scared, and we moved to be together also. But our sexually chemistry, our friendship, our intimacy and how safe he made me feel was, is, and always has been off the charts. He cheated on me, but I have always loved him and desired him physically, and he, me, even during his affair. Why did you marry him? Chemistry is usually the first characteristic that convinces one to that this person is "the one." Chemistry, if all else fails or flounders, is the one constant, or should be, in a marriage or long-term relationship. He may be a nice, doting, kind man, but you can own a dog for that. I think you married for the wrong reasons and now are realizing it. Tell him the truth of your feelings and cut him loose. That's only fair. Sexual chemistry, if it doesn't arrive within a year of dating, will not suddenly appear on the horizon. 1
Steadfast Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 While it might seem silly and totally unproductive to mention, I'd have to ask why you got married in the first place? Attraction isn't just a part of marriage, it's like...90% of it. Who thinks about respect, devotion, keeping promises and all that grown-up BS when you can't wait to get home to them? Sure, in time the love should and will grow deeper, but it doesn't start that way. It can't. I really believe that people over complicate love. But that doesn't mean you go in stupid either, and that's exactly what you did OP. You might be doing yourself a favor if you admit that you married, and have stayed married, because it fit what you wanted. Then. Now it doesn't. Now, you want hot, wild monkey sex and hubby can't swing it. There are consequences for everything, good and bad. There is no good way to end a marriage unless both people equally want out. When's the last time you saw that? What you are contemplating is exactly the very thing you promised you wouldn't do...and that doesn't include cheating. Marriage, vows and meaningful dedication is for adults, not children. Or adults that act like children. Before you divorce or cheat, why don't you try giving 100% and expecting his 100% returned. Otherwise, just do what almost everyone else does and thrown him under a bus. 1
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