When not to fight for them

[CopingGal]

Hello CopingGal,

reading your posts, I am really sorry to hear this. I was through something similar but I know your situation was worse, can't believe you hold it for three years, two more years of this and I would be dead, I would probably kill myself, during my relationship I started to believe I was the worst person in this world.

 

Yes I was the dumper too, I believe others think I am an ******* for this but I couldn't bear it anymore.

 

Sending you hugs :-*.

 

 

Hi Coffee,

 

Thanks. Here's a hug for you too {{{hugs}}}.

 

Like I said, a lot of this stuff was just hidden from me and covered with lies. Still, he was a bad bf throughout the relationship. However, as I said in one of my posts, I hung on because we were in therapy. I didn't know that he was lying in therapy and just going through the motions.

 

And I was in a fog because there were so many lies and manipulations. The fog cleared for a little and I happened to look down. I was in couple's therapy at the time when I looked down. When I looked down, I saw my self-esteem. It was lying on the floor. I gathered it up and dumped him.

 

I'm sorry you did not get more emotional support when you dumped him. If the person was treating you badly, it was the right thing to do.

 

I felt like throughout our sessions, the couple's therapist was giving me subliminal messages to leave him. I was disappointed in her, thought she misjudged him, and blamed her a little for the collapse of my relationship. But OH MY GOSH, Thank God for that woman. She had dated a sociopath. She was able to spot them. I really thought she had misjudged him and was too hard on him in the individual phone conversations I had with her. I was mad because I felt she brought her personal life into the sessions.

 

But she was right on target. When he dumped all of that stuff on me after I left him...telling me about the lies, the tricks he played on my behind my back, the cheating, the way he manipulated me, etc., and not having a shred of remorse and downplaying my pain...and then after that tried to force me to be his friend while he kept initiating unwanted contact so he could throw his new gf in my face...I realized how grateful I should be for that therapist.

 

If it wasn't for that therapist, I probably would have stayed in the relationship because I would have been listening to more of his lies. I really didn't believe the therapist when she told me he had sociopathic tendencies. I doubted that after I left him. But then, his behavior towards me got so bad, it was unbelievable. I mean, it got really bad. He was torturing me with unwanted information about her...torturing me and he thought it was normal to do that. He thought my pain about his upcoming marriage was funny. But what made me really understand that I should be grateful to this therapist was when he wouldn't stop calling me. He didn't call me to ask me back. He called me so he could keep telling me more about her...the woman he cheated on me with. My suffering meant absolutely nothing to him. When he called me Thanksgiving morning to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, I knew she was right about everything. It was at that moment, listening to the voice mail that I knew. There was a lightness in his voice as if nothing...nothing had happened. It was at that moment I knew how incredibly sick he was.

 

By the way, I miss you Avatar .

[BrokenMirror]

When not to fight for your ex is when they STILL treat you like crap, five months after you have broken up.

 

I was madly in love with my ex before we broke up. He was the man I wanted to matter and I can't count the times that people told us they wished they would find a relationship like ours. Here's the reality:

 

1. We fought almost every two days.

2. He had anger issues and he took them out on me by cursing me out every single time he got upset.

3. He broke my heart repeatedly and I kept giving him second chances because he promised to change.

 

Here I am five months later, in the same position I was five months ago when he broke up with me. I am hurting AGAIN.

 

We started talking again a few weeks ago and he just cut off communication a few minutes ago because I said something that "offended him." He did what he always does. To log off of skype and turn off his phone.

 

Well here's what I see is going to happen.

 

I am NOT going to talk to him. I WILL live without him. He will always be someone who made a huge impact on my life and he is someone I need to learn how to live without. I may have someone out there for me, who will not make me feel the way I do right now and who will not tell me to go and rot in hell.

 

I will focus on the courses I am taking right now and pass them with an A and I will ace my quiz tommorow.

 

I will go to the gym and I will get fit like I have been wanting to for a month.

 

I will heal my heart slowly and steadily till I don't feel for him anymore.

[CopingGal]

BrokenMirror, as much as my ex hurt me, the majority of the pain came AFTER I broke up with him. Yep, I was broken up from him and he was hurting me ALL the time, even though he didn't want me any more. AT one point, I knew the ONLY way to remove the pain was to remove him COMPLETELY. That's what I did.

 

You two are broken up. There is no reason on earth to put yourself through this. Go NC, do it now. Do it forever! Focus on your studies. Good luck.

 

A good place to start is by changing your signature. You talk about loving him forever. NO. No way. Why don't you pick something empowering to help you?

[BrokenMirror]

I think I shall do that. I started NC at 12 AM last night and I wantto keep it. I've noticed that when I post on the threads here, it helps me keep NC because of all the support. And my ex, well, he's just a jerk

[Warrior]

My ex was not a bastard to me throughout the whole relationship, to my face. For the longest time, I thought my ex was being good to me. I didn't know about all the lies, the deceit, the cheating and more for most of the relationship.

 

Seven months before I left my ex, it became apparent to me that he was a liar...a real liar. The worse thing for me about that was when he used God in his lies. That was horrible. It was at that time that he began using Facebook in his lies and deceit...using it to hook up with ex girlfriends without telling me, using it to make himself look single, using Facebook to play head games with me, and more. And it was the beginning of the end.

 

When I left my ex where were still in therapy. I couldn't wait any more to let the therapy kick in and help us. His treatment of me had deteriorated too much by then.

 

I train box 7 months now. I need a sparring partner because i am becoming crazy about it. My dad says that i'm a young buck still but leave that asside, you can give me your ex's address.

[Coffee20]

Hi Coffee,

 

Thanks. Here's a hug for you too {{{hugs}}}.

 

Like I said, a lot of this stuff was just hidden from me and covered with lies. Still, he was a bad bf throughout the relationship. However, as I said in one of my posts, I hung on because we were in therapy. I didn't know that he was lying in therapy and just going through the motions.

 

And I was in a fog because there were so many lies and manipulations. The fog cleared for a little and I happened to look down. I was in couple's therapy at the time when I looked down. When I looked down, I saw my self-esteem. It was lying on the floor. I gathered it up and dumped him.

 

I'm sorry you did not get more emotional support when you dumped him. If the person was treating you badly, it was the right thing to do.

 

I felt like throughout our sessions, the couple's therapist was giving me subliminal messages to leave him. I was disappointed in her, thought she misjudged him, and blamed her a little for the collapse of my relationship. But OH MY GOSH, Thank God for that woman. She had dated a sociopath. She was able to spot them. I really thought she had misjudged him and was too hard on him in the individual phone conversations I had with her. I was mad because I felt she brought her personal life into the sessions.

 

But she was right on target. When he dumped all of that stuff on me after I left him...telling me about the lies, the tricks he played on my behind my back, the cheating, the way he manipulated me, etc., and not having a shred of remorse and downplaying my pain...and then after that tried to force me to be his friend while he kept initiating unwanted contact so he could throw his new gf in my face...I realized how grateful I should be for that therapist.

 

If it wasn't for that therapist, I probably would have stayed in the relationship because I would have been listening to more of his lies. I really didn't believe the therapist when she told me he had sociopathic tendencies. I doubted that after I left him. But then, his behavior towards me got so bad, it was unbelievable. I mean, it got really bad. He was torturing me with unwanted information about her...torturing me and he thought it was normal to do that. He thought my pain about his upcoming marriage was funny. But what made me really understand that I should be grateful to this therapist was when he wouldn't stop calling me. He didn't call me to ask me back. He called me so he could keep telling me more about her...the woman he cheated on me with. My suffering meant absolutely nothing to him. When he called me Thanksgiving morning to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, I knew she was right about everything. It was at that moment, listening to the voice mail that I knew. There was a lightness in his voice as if nothing...nothing had happened. It was at that moment I knew how incredibly sick he was.

 

By the way, I miss you Avatar .

 

Hello again,

I am so sorry to hear about it again, it's good that he is gone now.

 

My ex kept some of his lies hidden too, but from time to time he told me by mistake that he went out with some other girl, or he simply forgot the story he told me and changed it for another etc., a lot of people who know him told me to leave because he was maybe funny and witty but a liar and many times I was told, how could I date someone so ugly in looks - but I like his looks. He also behaved to me very nicely when we were in front his parents or my mum or MY friends. He behaved to me completely different when we were alone, in the end he started to humiliate me even in front of classmates.

 

I remember the time I was waking up slowly. He went to England for a trip with his brother (by the was I was invited but he didn't want me there). I had a lot of time to think. And when he was gone, something changed, when I was with him I had stomachache all of the time, I felt like vomiting and anxious a lot. These feelings were gone. When he returned back and imagine I went to the train station, feeling happy to see him and hugged him dearly, tried to kiss him but guess what he didn't do anything, he just stood there and didn't even try to touch me or hold me. He didn't even smiled....

 

OK, ok I will put my avatar back, I forgot .

How are you by the way??

[CopingGal]

Hurray, it's back! Your avatar is so whimsical, it makes me happy. Thanks.

 

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. I reflected a lot of the relationship yesterday, the anniversary of the day I left him. I miss who I thought he was...very, very much. But I'm glad I'm away from him.

 

I just keep thinking that next year I will feel even better...and so will you.

[Coffee20]

Hurray, it's back! Your avatar is so whimsical, it makes me happy. Thanks.

 

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. I reflected a lot of the relationship yesterday, the anniversary of the day I left him. I miss who I thought he was...very, very much. But I'm glad I'm away from him.

 

I just keep thinking that next year I will feel even better...and so will you.

 

same , I hope the same, but yes we will feel better, I know it , glad that you like my avatar

[BrokenMirror]

Well, I know we will feel better at some point. And I'm sorry for all that you went through. My ex went from being a good boyfriend to a total douche and I miss having SOMEONE and maybe having him, but I don't WANT to be with him. I've been through enough with him and I don't want to be put through the same thing again. I am a human with feelings and he cannot keep stepping on them.

[CopingGal]

Glad that you like my avatar

 

You have no idea. Your avatar really makes my day! Have a wonderful day Coffee!

[CopingGal]

Well, I know we will feel better at some point. And I'm sorry for all that you went through. My ex went from being a good boyfriend to a total douche and I miss having SOMEONE and maybe having him, but I don't WANT to be with him. I've been through enough with him and I don't want to be put through the same thing again. I am a human with feelings and he cannot keep stepping on them.

 

Thanks. Hi. Sorry he hurt you. Yes, I agree. The sticks and stones poem is so NOT true. We have feelings and we hurt. And it's up to us to remove partners from our life who keep hurting us!! It is our right to do so!! LET'S STAND TALL!

[BrokenMirror]

Exactly! And we have a lot of good memories too and I would like to keep them, but I can't keep doing the passive aggressive thing with him of i love you one moment and the next moment "you're a bi*tch". It's quite destructive really and takes a toll on ones mental health.

[CopingGal]

Yeah...that's bad.

 

I had to let my memories go. They kept me hanging on for someone who never existed. Every so often I think of him...who he pretended to be, but I don't think long. He's not thinking of me. To him, our relationship was "many years ago." He forgot me even before I left him.

[BrokenMirror]

Well, I can't help the memories. They flood me at times and leave me feeling drained and hurting so much. I hurt all the time now, and i have my moments of positivity but I hurt so badly. And it leaves me wanting to cry. I was doing homework the other day and I wanted to cry for no apparent reason. I can tell myself that I lost nothing, but I did. Maybe I am the sole reason that we broke up? Maybe if I hadn't been so insecure, we would be together?

[CopingGal]

Well you know, it's okay. I've had over a year to heal this much. It's okay that you still think of him.

 

I went back in time to see your posts. Now, I remember who this is...the guy that grabbed you and left bruise...and he was verbally abusive.

 

I think it's good that you two are not together. I hope you stay away from him. It's hard, I know. But I want you to take care of you.

[Ducky23]

I couldn't help but follow your link to this thread. I have always been an open book and I am very curious about other people. So I came to read. And wow! Wow.. It brought back so many memories. My extremely abusive ex, the one whom I swear will someday kill me given the chance, sounds much like yours. Except that in the end the cheating was done right in front of me. When we got together I was pregnant and freshly separated from my husband. He was the sweetest thing.. He would rub my feet after a long day at work, he would make me laugh, give me massages, he gave up his drug preferences for me. Okay stop. Reread that. "He gave up his drug preferences for me". Seriously. That should have been a red flag from Hell. Everything was perfect for about 3 or 4 months. Then it got bad so slowly that I didn't realize it. I went to working a 12-hour graveyard shift out of town that would see me gone for between 14-16 hours a day and only home to sleep a few hours and then back to work. My "best friend" and her boyfriend were staying with us at the time. One night while her boyfriend was sleeping, she decided to have sex with mine. She saw me the next day. Never said a word about it. My one day off, about 3 days after that, he told me what had happened. He was extremely honest about it. She and her boyfriend were gone that day so we could have the house to ourselves. The next day we went to pick them up. It was his job to tell her that she would not be coming home with us. And I told her boyfriend WHY. He made his decision and came home with us, left her there. I forgave my man because of the situation. He is a man, with wants and needs and desires, and I was never home. By this time the emotional breaking was already in effect, but I didn't realize it. We made an agreement that he was allowed to have sex with other women under certain circumstances. I had to approve them. He had to use protection. And only if I would not have a day off within two weeks. So then.. Then I had to not only approve the women, but I had to find them. To bring them home to him. To get them drunk. To pretend to care about what they had to say. To pretend to be their friend. I don't know how many nights, especially toward the end of my pregnancy, that I would sit in the living room of my home (it was mine from the marriage, he moved in) and find something with which to occupy myself while he "did his business" with another woman in our spare room. My spare room. And once it was done, I would drive her home while he showered. I believed I needed to do this to make him happy. For him to love me. Because that is what he had made clear. The physical abuse wasn't bad yet. He'd only choked me a couple of times when I spoke of my resentment of the situation. He would remind me that if I wasn't so fat and pregnant he might actually want to have sex with me. Something should have made me leave then. But I couldn't. He still told me he loved me and was soft and gentle at times. I believed that once my daughter was born and I regained my body that things would be good again. It wasn't his fault I was unattractive. I stayed with him for three years. Three pregnancies, one miscarriage (his doing). He raped me multiple times, twice within weeks of giving birth. Strangled me, while I was pregnant, until I passed out. Hit me, kicked me, I got concussions that were never treated. Everything I loved was stupid. I was an idiot. 10 months in university and I dropped out because I wasn't retaining information. He was always over my shoulder giving me the answers and telling me what an idiot I was because he could figure out the answers faster, in his head. All of this. All of this escalated to the day he almost broke my arm and tried to kill me. On his way out he rammed my car, effectively disabling it. Oh, he went back to doing drugs at some point too. I compromised that he could smoke pot if he never brought it around and never came home high. One of my concussions was the result of me finding a baggie of shrooms hidden in his pocket while doing laundry one day and confronting him about it. When he tried to kill me that last time, he was on Meth. I didn't know it until later. When he told me everything. And then apologized. Oh, and tried to get back in my bed. There was that too. That was when I went completely NC. Those things still haunt me. I just got back into therapy to finish working this crap out. I'm around a full year of NC now. This October will be 2 years since I kicked him out.

[Gulf-Delta]

I'm so sorry guys

 

You guys sound like you had a really rough fight in your recoveries.

 

I guess I should count myself lucky. When my ex left, she left. We tried to stretch it out for a little bit. We both knew it wouldn't last...it was like spending as much time as you can with someone before they die. It was like our relationship had a disease and was given weeks to live, and we spent those weeks grieving and saying goodbye because we knew the end was near. It was quite tragic, really.

 

But, ultimately, once the grieving was over, and she left, that was it. There were no games. No hateful words. It sounds funny, but I guess I got dumped in the...."nicest" way possible, as crazy as it sounds. She knew she was killing me, and she did her best to not prolong it. Probably because she still loved me at least a little bit, and knew it. I could see it in her eyes on the day she fully moved out. And I'm thankful she respected and cared enough to leave it instead of playing a back and forth, hot and cold game with my heart. She caused me pain, but I brought it on myself, with the letters, the texts, the calls. But the pain was never initiated by her, and I really thank her for that.

 

My heart goes out to those who had to deal with being played with and abused *hugs* to you all

[Sugarkane]

Who has sex with a guy knowing his SO is in another room in the house? Did they know you were together? This guy should be locked up where he can't abuse any other women.

I couldn't help but follow your link to this thread. I have always been an open book and I am very curious about other people. So I came to read. And wow! Wow.. It brought back so many memories. My extremely abusive ex, the one whom I swear will someday kill me given the chance, sounds much like yours. Except that in the end the cheating was done right in front of me. When we got together I was pregnant and freshly separated from my husband. He was the sweetest thing.. He would rub my feet after a long day at work, he would make me laugh, give me massages, he gave up his drug preferences for me. Okay stop. Reread that. "He gave up his drug preferences for me". Seriously. That should have been a red flag from Hell. Everything was perfect for about 3 or 4 months. Then it got bad so slowly that I didn't realize it. I went to working a 12-hour graveyard shift out of town that would see me gone for between 14-16 hours a day and only home to sleep a few hours and then back to work. My "best friend" and her boyfriend were staying with us at the time. One night while her boyfriend was sleeping, she decided to have sex with mine. She saw me the next day. Never said a word about it. My one day off, about 3 days after that, he told me what had happened. He was extremely honest about it. She and her boyfriend were gone that day so we could have the house to ourselves. The next day we went to pick them up. It was his job to tell her that she would not be coming home with us. And I told her boyfriend WHY. He made his decision and came home with us, left her there. I forgave my man because of the situation. He is a man, with wants and needs and desires, and I was never home. By this time the emotional breaking was already in effect, but I didn't realize it. We made an agreement that he was allowed to have sex with other women under certain circumstances. I had to approve them. He had to use protection. And only if I would not have a day off within two weeks. So then.. Then I had to not only approve the women, but I had to find them. To bring them home to him. To get them drunk. To pretend to care about what they had to say. To pretend to be their friend. I don't know how many nights, especially toward the end of my pregnancy, that I would sit in the living room of my home (it was mine from the marriage, he moved in) and find something with which to occupy myself while he "did his business" with another woman in our spare room. My spare room. And once it was done, I would drive her home while he showered. I believed I needed to do this to make him happy. For him to love me. Because that is what he had made clear. The physical abuse wasn't bad yet. He'd only choked me a couple of times when I spoke of my resentment of the situation. He would remind me that if I wasn't so fat and pregnant he might actually want to have sex with me. Something should have made me leave then. But I couldn't. He still told me he loved me and was soft and gentle at times. I believed that once my daughter was born and I regained my body that things would be good again. It wasn't his fault I was unattractive. I stayed with him for three years. Three pregnancies, one miscarriage (his doing). He raped me multiple times, twice within weeks of giving birth. Strangled me, while I was pregnant, until I passed out. Hit me, kicked me, I got concussions that were never treated. Everything I loved was stupid. I was an idiot. 10 months in university and I dropped out because I wasn't retaining information. He was always over my shoulder giving me the answers and telling me what an idiot I was because he could figure out the answers faster, in his head. All of this. All of this escalated to the day he almost broke my arm and tried to kill me. On his way out he rammed my car, effectively disabling it. Oh, he went back to doing drugs at some point too. I compromised that he could smoke pot if he never brought it around and never came home high. One of my concussions was the result of me finding a baggie of shrooms hidden in his pocket while doing laundry one day and confronting him about it. When he tried to kill me that last time, he was on Meth. I didn't know it until later. When he told me everything. And then apologized. Oh, and tried to get back in my bed. There was that too. That was when I went completely NC. Those things still haunt me. I just got back into therapy to finish working this crap out. I'm around a full year of NC now. This October will be 2 years since I kicked him out.

Edited July 17, 2012 by Sugarkane
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[CopingGal]

I'm so sorry guys

 

You guys sound like you had a really rough fight in your recoveries.

 

I guess I should count myself lucky. When my ex left, she left. We tried to stretch it out for a little bit. We both knew it wouldn't last...it was like spending as much time as you can with someone before they die. It was like our relationship had a disease and was given weeks to live, and we spent those weeks grieving and saying goodbye because we knew the end was near. It was quite tragic, really.

 

But, ultimately, once the grieving was over, and she left, that was it. There were no games. No hateful words. It sounds funny, but I guess I got dumped in the...."nicest" way possible, as crazy as it sounds. She knew she was killing me, and she did her best to not prolong it. Probably because she still loved me at least a little bit, and knew it. I could see it in her eyes on the day she fully moved out. And I'm thankful she respected and cared enough to leave it instead of playing a back and forth, hot and cold game with my heart. She caused me pain, but I brought it on myself, with the letters, the texts, the calls. But the pain was never initiated by her, and I really thank her for that.

 

My heart goes out to those who had to deal with being played with and abused *hugs* to you all

 

Thanks. It sounds like you had respect in your relationship. That is great.

[CopingGal]

Dear Ducky,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. Oh my God. It sounds like you went through a tremendous amount of pain. That story is very disturbing. I am glad you are in therapy, dear. First of all, what he did to you was terrible. But also, it saddens me that you would get woman drunk for this bastard. I'm not sure if I understand that part. Also, letting him have sex in the other room?

 

As terrible as this person was, I think it's a good idea to figure out why you accepted such behavior...? I understand you couldn't spend every day with him, but to get him permission to have sex with other women? It's not like you were gone for months and months He could have been a man and waited for you.

 

Ducky, you don't have to accept such horrible behaviors. Like I posted someone on LS when abuse is involved there are two people, the abuser and the enabler.

 

Keep doing the therapy. I commend you. I think you should also read some self-help books including some on co-dependency.

 

Give yourself a giantic hug as I will do for myself. Here's looking toward brighter days.

[iambookworm]

Thanks.

 

My Gosh that is terrible. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can feel your words. It feels like you have indeed healed a lot. I am glad for you.

 

Thank you. Not completely though, but I don't think anyone can completely heal from something like this.

 

When not to fight for your ex is when they STILL treat you like crap, five months after you have broken up.

 

I was madly in love with my ex before we broke up. He was the man I wanted to matter and I can't count the times that people told us they wished they would find a relationship like ours. Here's the reality:

 

1. We fought almost every two days.

2. He had anger issues and he took them out on me by cursing me out every single time he got upset.

3. He broke my heart repeatedly and I kept giving him second chances because he promised to change.

 

Here I am five months later, in the same position I was five months ago when he broke up with me. I am hurting AGAIN.

 

We started talking again a few weeks ago and he just cut off communication a few minutes ago because I said something that "offended him." He did what he always does. To log off of skype and turn off his phone.

 

Well here's what I see is going to happen.

 

I am NOT going to talk to him. I WILL live without him. He will always be someone who made a huge impact on my life and he is someone I need to learn how to live without. I may have someone out there for me, who will not make me feel the way I do right now and who will not tell me to go and rot in hell.

 

I will focus on the courses I am taking right now and pass them with an A and I will ace my quiz tommorow.

 

I will go to the gym and I will get fit like I have been wanting to for a month.

 

I will heal my heart slowly and steadily till I don't feel for him anymore.

 

Sorry you went through this but am glad that you are coping. I too have been healing. We can do this

 

I train box 7 months now. I need a sparring partner because i am becoming crazy about it. My dad says that i'm a young buck still but leave that asside, you can give me your ex's address.

 

Do you live anywhere near MA? hahahaha

 

Hurray, it's back! Your avatar is so whimsical, it makes me happy. Thanks.

 

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. I reflected a lot of the relationship yesterday, the anniversary of the day I left him. I miss who I thought he was...very, very much. But I'm glad I'm away from him.

 

I just keep thinking that next year I will feel even better...and so will you.

Ditto we will all feel better. A year or two from now, we will look back at out posts and laugh at ourselves.

 

Well, I know we will feel better at some point. And I'm sorry for all that you went through. My ex went from being a good boyfriend to a total douche and I miss having SOMEONE and maybe having him, but I don't WANT to be with him. I've been through enough with him and I don't want to be put through the same thing again. I am a human with feelings and he cannot keep stepping on them.

Yeah...that's bad.

 

I had to let my memories go. They kept me hanging on for someone who never existed. Every so often I think of him...who he pretended to be, but I don't think long. He's not thinking of me. To him, our relationship was "many years ago." He forgot me even before I left him.

 

Same here.

 

Well, I can't help the memories. They flood me at times and leave me feeling drained and hurting so much. I hurt all the time now, and i have my moments of positivity but I hurt so badly. And it leaves me wanting to cry. I was doing homework the other day and I wanted to cry for no apparent reason. I can tell myself that I lost nothing, but I did. Maybe I am the sole reason that we broke up? Maybe if I hadn't been so insecure, we would be together?

 

Please don't think this. The pain will go away, I promise. Do you have friends who you can turn to when you start feeling this way? I utilized all of my network of friends and called them up A LOT when I felt like this. And it helped. Please do that too.

 

I couldn't help but follow your link to this thread. I have always been an open book and I am very curious about other people. So I came to read. And wow! Wow.. It brought back so many memories. My extremely abusive ex, the one whom I swear will someday kill me given the chance, sounds much like yours. Except that in the end the cheating was done right in front of me. When we got together I was pregnant and freshly separated from my husband. He was the sweetest thing.. He would rub my feet after a long day at work, he would make me laugh, give me massages, he gave up his drug preferences for me. Okay stop. Reread that. "He gave up his drug preferences for me". Seriously. That should have been a red flag from Hell. Everything was perfect for about 3 or 4 months. Then it got bad so slowly that I didn't realize it. I went to working a 12-hour graveyard shift out of town that would see me gone for between 14-16 hours a day and only home to sleep a few hours and then back to work. My "best friend" and her boyfriend were staying with us at the time. One night while her boyfriend was sleeping, she decided to have sex with mine. She saw me the next day. Never said a word about it. My one day off, about 3 days after that, he told me what had happened. He was extremely honest about it. She and her boyfriend were gone that day so we could have the house to ourselves. The next day we went to pick them up. It was his job to tell her that she would not be coming home with us. And I told her boyfriend WHY. He made his decision and came home with us, left her there. I forgave my man because of the situation. He is a man, with wants and needs and desires, and I was never home. By this time the emotional breaking was already in effect, but I didn't realize it. We made an agreement that he was allowed to have sex with other women under certain circumstances. I had to approve them. He had to use protection. And only if I would not have a day off within two weeks. So then.. Then I had to not only approve the women, but I had to find them. To bring them home to him. To get them drunk. To pretend to care about what they had to say. To pretend to be their friend. I don't know how many nights, especially toward the end of my pregnancy, that I would sit in the living room of my home (it was mine from the marriage, he moved in) and find something with which to occupy myself while he "did his business" with another woman in our spare room. My spare room. And once it was done, I would drive her home while he showered. I believed I needed to do this to make him happy. For him to love me. Because that is what he had made clear. The physical abuse wasn't bad yet. He'd only choked me a couple of times when I spoke of my resentment of the situation. He would remind me that if I wasn't so fat and pregnant he might actually want to have sex with me. Something should have made me leave then. But I couldn't. He still told me he loved me and was soft and gentle at times. I believed that once my daughter was born and I regained my body that things would be good again. It wasn't his fault I was unattractive. I stayed with him for three years. Three pregnancies, one miscarriage (his doing). He raped me multiple times, twice within weeks of giving birth. Strangled me, while I was pregnant, until I passed out. Hit me, kicked me, I got concussions that were never treated. Everything I loved was stupid. I was an idiot. 10 months in university and I dropped out because I wasn't retaining information. He was always over my shoulder giving me the answers and telling me what an idiot I was because he could figure out the answers faster, in his head. All of this. All of this escalated to the day he almost broke my arm and tried to kill me. On his way out he rammed my car, effectively disabling it. Oh, he went back to doing drugs at some point too. I compromised that he could smoke pot if he never brought it around and never came home high. One of my concussions was the result of me finding a baggie of shrooms hidden in his pocket while doing laundry one day and confronting him about it. When he tried to kill me that last time, he was on Meth. I didn't know it until later. When he told me everything. And then apologized. Oh, and tried to get back in my bed. There was that too. That was when I went completely NC. Those things still haunt me. I just got back into therapy to finish working this crap out. I'm around a full year of NC now. This October will be 2 years since I kicked him out.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but glad that you kicked him out (I hope literally ). How are you feeling now?

 

I'm so sorry guys

 

You guys sound like you had a really rough fight in your recoveries.

 

I guess I should count myself lucky. When my ex left, she left. We tried to stretch it out for a little bit. We both knew it wouldn't last...it was like spending as much time as you can with someone before they die. It was like our relationship had a disease and was given weeks to live, and we spent those weeks grieving and saying goodbye because we knew the end was near. It was quite tragic, really.

 

But, ultimately, once the grieving was over, and she left, that was it. There were no games. No hateful words. It sounds funny, but I guess I got dumped in the...."nicest" way possible, as crazy as it sounds. She knew she was killing me, and she did her best to not prolong it. Probably because she still loved me at least a little bit, and knew it. I could see it in her eyes on the day she fully moved out. And I'm thankful she respected and cared enough to leave it instead of playing a back and forth, hot and cold game with my heart. She caused me pain, but I brought it on myself, with the letters, the texts, the calls. But the pain was never initiated by her, and I really thank her for that.

 

My heart goes out to those who had to deal with being played with and abused *hugs* to you all

 

Thank you. I'm glad you're over her and she dealt with the breakup in a mature manner. Good for you.

[Gulf-Delta]

 

Thank you. I'm glad you're over her and she dealt with the breakup in a mature manner. Good for you.

 

Oh I wouldn't say that. It can just actually eat and sleep better now lol