When not to fight for them

July 13, 2012

During my relationship, I loved my ex so much I said I would fight for him.

If you do something wrong and your ex leaves, then maybe fighting for them is good.

If you and your partner are having problems, then maybe fighting for the relationship is good.

But if your partner has chosen to go to other women/men, simply out of boredom, or because they can't be faithful, or because it's simply a Friday night...LET THEM GO!

July 13, 2012

During my relationship, I loved my ex so much I said I would fight for him.

If you do something wrong and your ex leaves, then maybe fighting for them is good.

If you and your partner are having problems, then maybe fighting for the relationship is good.

But if your partner has chosen to go to other women/men, simply out of boredom, or because they can't be faithful, or because it's simply a Friday night...LET THEM GO!

Easier said than done.

I admire your attitude though. Hopefully I realize it soon as well.

Well done.

July 13, 2012

Thanks. Early in the relationship, I thought my ex was made of gold. I could not believe how lucky I was. My ex hurting me in the beginning, was just a mistake. I could forgive.

Years later...how many times did I forgive? How many women did he throw in my face? How many times did he ignore me, lie to me, and basically treat me like crap? How many times did he contact his ex behind my back? How many times did he throw his ex in my face? How many times did he throw his ex-wife in my face? How many times did he keep talking and talking about a female co-worker when I asked him not to?

How many times did he sleep with other women when we broke up for a short time?

I'm not down with fighting for the relationship when the partner clearly is not invested.

I let that kind of thinking go a long time ago, when my bf had ignored me so intensely that I became physically sick. He gave me an emotional beat down and I rose up and kicked his a$$ out of my life. And there he stays, in the gutter where he belongs.

Edited July 13, 2012 by CopingGal

July 13, 2012

Thanks. Early in the relationship, I thought my ex was made of gold. I could not believe how lucky I was. My ex hurting me in the beginning, was just a mistake. I could forgive.

Years later...how many times did I forgive? How many women did he throw in my face? How many times did he ignore me, lie to me, and basically treat me like crap? How many times did he contact his ex behind my back? How many times did he throw his ex in my face? How many times did he throw his ex-wife in my face? How many times did he keep talking and talking about a female co-worker when I asked him not to?

How many times did he sleep with other women when we broke up for a short time?

I'm not down with fighting for the relationship when the partner clearly is not invested.

I let that kind of thinking go a long time ago, when my bf had ignored me so intensely that I became physically sick. He gave me an emotional beat down and I rose up and kicked his a$$ out of my life. And there he stays, in the gutter where he belongs.

Hi, I am sorry you had to suffer like that.

(I have read your other posts as they are encouraging)

You are correct, people like that are not worth it.

However my issue is that just cause they can be like that

does not mean we can be like that.

I have invested more than 7y into my marriage and although

many nasty things were said to my face if I believe what she said I will

be just like her. I think we had great time (and some bad moments).

I want to preserve that. I cannot switch off like never knew her.

Any thoughts on that ^^^ ?

Personally I am just in transition from the "shock" stage

to the "Acceptance/grieving" stage and cannot even cope.

Would I like us to get back? My heart says Yes. Wold it work? Who knows.

I really do not know and the hope is keeping me hostage. It's a bad addiction.

July 13, 2012

Hi. Thanks. I'm going to tell you something.

I do not drink. I do not like alcohol. I have never done drugs before in my life. But when I left my bf, I would get these feelings inside of me...similar an alcholic that was drying out. It was physical, very uncomfortable, almost as if I had things crawling on me. Shortness of breath, feeling terrible, feeling like I was going to DIE. Feeling like I needed a fix of him. Never in my whole life has anyone ever effected me like that. It was the worse feeling I ever had in my life. I literally felt like physically I was not going to make it. It was the most disgusting, shocking, nasty feeling I had ever had. I couldn't deal with it. It was too hard. Too nasty. Just awful. I kept breaking NC.

I had another bad experience with a volunteer job (boss was mean) and I couldn't handle a second loss. So I agreed to be his friend. I just wanted him in my life on some level...any level. I needed him, no matter how much he was throwing his new gf in my face...and we had only been apart for 3 months.

Well, we he confessed to the cheating and to doing all of these terrible things behind my back and the terrible lies he told. When he told me stomping on my heart was worth it, when he showed no remorse, I called our former couple's counselor. She told me she did not believe one word he said in therapy and that he had sociopathic tendencies and narcissitic personality disorder traits. As bad as I felt, I still communicated with him. He claimed he had started seeing an individual therapist, and I told him that I would be willing to speak to the therapist so that the therapist could see how much he made me suffer. I was hurt tremendously, but I wanted to help him. After all, he was mentally ill. I told him what the couple's counselor said. He bursted into laughter.

But when he wrote a 15 page letter and sent it go my house...a letter that was mostly about the woman he cheated with...when he called me again and again to talk the woman he cheated with...that was it. That was it. I went total NC. When he kept calling, I spoke to the cops, but I didn't give the cops his name. Then when he sent me a text telling me that he hopes all of my dreams come true, I decided that to warn him one more time and after that I would report him to the cops. It was at that point, when I had everything just psychologically beaten out of me than I got strong. And I mean, I got strong. I wasn't going to put up with this nonsense any more, no matter how sick he was. And that's it.

The addition feelings left around that time. I haven't seen him in 9 months. I have absolutely nothing to do with him. I'm free of the physical symptoms. It took a ton of hard work- reading self help books, doing the exercises in the books, going back to school and concentrating on that and concentrating on my humanitarian projects.

Six months after I told him I wanted nothing to do with him...I got very, very, very curious and wondered about him, especially since he has health problems. I went to his facebook page and read that he wouldn't change a think about what happened the previous year. I lost it, I went backwards, back into the tears and pain, but never back into the addiction. I sent an email to him telling him he was dead to me and that was it. I never contacted him again. Never check up on him again. Delected my facebook page. I began to heal again.

It was a long road, but I've made huge gains. Have had some setbacks. I still have a long way to go. I'm telling you, I was beaten down so much emotionally and psychologically, I felt like my life was over. Not so. I have a ton of living to do!

You don't have to switch somone off. Unlike my ex, you have a heart. It's okay. Be gentle with yourself. Since I removed my ex from my life 9 months ago (broke up with him almost a year ago), I:

-went back to graduate school

-started volunteering in the public school system as a teacher aide

-became a volunteer teacher to adults in Haiti. My first day is tomorrow. I will be teaching conversational English via Skype

-became a volunteer teacher for developmentally disabled students

-started a relationship with myself

-went back to practicing Chi-gong

-got a lot of my self-esteem back

-started meditating

- and more.

I'm still not working a salary job, and that might not change until I get out of this tiny ridiculous town, but my life is MUCH better than it was when I was with him

Hope this helps.

Edited July 13, 2012 by CopingGal

July 13, 2012

Thanks. Early in the relationship, I thought my ex was made of gold. I could not believe how lucky I was. My ex hurting me in the beginning, was just a mistake. I could forgive.

Years later...how many times did I forgive? How many women did he throw in my face? How many times did he ignore me, lie to me, and basically treat me like crap? How many times did he contact his ex behind my back? How many times did he throw his ex in my face? How many times did he throw his ex-wife in my face? How many times did he keep talking and talking about a female co-worker when I asked him not to?

How many times did he sleep with other women when we broke up for a short time?

I'm not down with fighting for the relationship when the partner clearly is not invested.

I let that kind of thinking go a long time ago, when my bf had ignored me so intensely that I became physically sick. He gave me an emotional beat down and I rose up and kicked his a$$ out of my life. And there he stays, in the gutter where he belongs.

You did the right thing.

If only my ex had been a bitch to me the whole relationship...maybe it'd be easier to let go. But she was an angel to me the whole time, until the end

July 13, 2012

CopingGal- You kind of feel like my LS twin because the things you post are just uncanny to what happened to me/ what u feel. Especially as a lot of people on here always are in contact with their ex and weren't as nearly nasty as ours. When I first got here I thought isn't there any one else with a similar BU?! I really admire you making good changes in your life. You deserve happiness.

July 13, 2012

You did the right thing.

If only my ex had been a bitch to me the whole relationship...maybe it'd be easier to let go. But she was an angel to me the whole time, until the end

My ex was not a bastard to me throughout the whole relationship, to my face. For the longest time, I thought my ex was being good to me. I didn't know about all the lies, the deceit, the cheating and more for most of the relationship.

Seven months before I left my ex, it became apparent to me that he was a liar...a real liar. The worse thing for me about that was when he used God in his lies. That was horrible. It was at that time that he began using Facebook in his lies and deceit...using it to hook up with ex girlfriends without telling me, using it to make himself look single, using Facebook to play head games with me, and more. And it was the beginning of the end.

When I left my ex where were still in therapy. I couldn't wait any more to let the therapy kick in and help us. His treatment of me had deteriorated too much by then.

July 13, 2012

CopingGal- You kind of feel like my LS twin because the things you post are just uncanny to what happened to me/ what u feel. Especially as a lot of people on here always are in contact with their ex and weren't as nearly nasty as ours. When I first got here I thought isn't there any one else with a similar BU?! I really admire you making good changes in your life. You deserve happiness.

Thank you so much. Sugarkane, I was looking for your story...about what happened to you but I don't see it. Did you post it? I would like to read it. I would like to offer emotional support to you.

July 13, 2012

My ex was not a bastard to me throughout the whole relationship, to my face. For the longest time, I thought my ex was being good to me. I didn't know about all the lies, the deceit, the cheating and more for most of the relationship.

Seven months before I left my ex, it became apparent to me that he was a liar...a real liar. The worse thing for me about that was when he used God in his lies. That was horrible. It was at that time that he began using Facebook in his lies and deceit...using it to hook up with ex girlfriends without telling me, using it to make himself look single, using Facebook to play head games with me, and more. And it was the beginning of the end.

When I left my ex where were still in therapy. I couldn't wait any more to let the therapy kick in and help us. His treatment of me had deteriorated too much by then.

That sounds terrible :/

I'm sorry *hugs*

July 13, 2012

During my relationship, I loved my ex so much I said I would fight for him.

If you do something wrong and your ex leaves, then maybe fighting for them is good.

If you and your partner are having problems, then maybe fighting for the relationship is good.

I did something really wrong and I'm in the process of fixing myself. I was contemplating giving up, but after reading this I'm gonna keep fighting.

Thank you for this.

I'm sorry to hear about all this crap you went through. I'm nothing like that, but I feel sooo horrible for what I did do. I didn't cheat or lie, but I let resentments build and I got angry, really angry. I hate myself for that. I hate the person I was.... He f*cked up my life!

July 13, 2012

Thank you so much. Sugarkane, I was looking for your story...about what happened to you but I don't see it. Did you post it? I would like to read it. I would like to offer emotional support to you.

I will have to try and find if you want. But you get the gist of what happened anyway. Do you ever feel like this too? That you feel jealous of others who never had heartbreak like us? People who it just seems to fall effortlessly into the laps? E.g like my co worker who is in her early 20s and has Been with her first bf for many years. Abd akways talks of wanting to get married etc. When I talked to her once she said if they broke up, she would be lost. That worried me. I felt envy, why don't people like that have to experience getting their heart broken?

July 13, 2012

I did something really wrong and I'm in the process of fixing myself. I was contemplating giving up, but after reading this I'm gonna keep fighting.
Thank you for this.

I'm sorry to hear about all this crap you went through. I'm nothing like that, but I feel sooo horrible for what I did do. I didn't cheat or lie, but I let resentments build and I got angry, really angry. I hate myself for that. I hate the person I was.... He f*cked up my life!

Hi. Thank you.

It's good that you recognized that you behaved badly. Try to be gentle with yourself. A good therapist can show you what to do so that next time you can deal with resentments better. A good therapist can show you adaptive coping mechanisms. Good Luck. Take care of you.

July 13, 2012

That sounds terrible :/

I'm sorry *hugs*

Thank you. Hugs to you too.

July 13, 2012

I will have to try and find if you want. But you get the gist of what happened anyway. Do you ever feel like this too? That you feel jealous of others who never had heartbreak like us? People who it just seems to fall effortlessly into the laps? E.g like my co worker who is in her early 20s and has Been with her first bf for many years. Abd akways talks of wanting to get married etc. When I talked to her once she said if they broke up, she would be lost. That worried me. I felt envy, why don't people like that have to experience getting their heart broken?

Sugarkane, this is a very long entry, but I wrote it for you.

Sometimes I get jealous, but then I think that things are not always what they seem. I used to get very jealous. Not any more.

1)

A very good friend of mine was gorgeous. She always had men after her. Finally, she got the pick of a lifetime...even though he was her supervisor. He was cool and had charisma. He was good looking and a dream. I was jealous. I was jealous.

Turns out the the man cheated on her on Valentine's Day AND he hit her.

2)

A very good friend of mine, also was gorgeous. She got the guy I wanted. It was not fair. I wanted him. She got him. The two of them ended up homeless and staying with a friend of hers...a female friend. She found the two of them in bed together in the house the three of them were sharing.

3)

A very good friend of mine in high school...also was gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous. My Gosh, when she got contacts and wore those instead of glasses, she was even more beautiful. She had eyes like a cat...and I mean gorgeous. People didn't tease her the way they teased me. All three of us (her, another friend of ours, and I) liked this guy...really liked him. He picked her.

Then, they broke up, but she never said why. She went to the prom with some friend and she brought the tickets. (You can bet your bottom dollar she did not advertise that part). But to others, she actually had a date even though she hung out with me and my other friend who were considered...undesirable. I was so, so envious of her. She had so much confidence in herself. She knew she looked good.

Her yearbook picture was SO BEAUTIFUL!!! So BEAUTIFUL. The people on the yearbook committee thought it would be funny to put the yearbook pic that showed the side of my face in which I had to get a tooth removed toward the front of my mouth in the yearbook. I gave them another picture to use...the one that showed the other side of my face. I cried all the way home and refused to get the book. I was teased through school, esp. highschool. This was just another slap in the face.

My friend bragged about the hip, expensive clothes she wore. My mom brought me cheap jeans. She had Gloria Vanderbuilt jeans. She said that she could have been a Barbie doll, but she choose not to. In other words she need she could hang out with the popular girls if she wanted too. All senior year I was jealous, jealous.

Here's the reality:

She was allergic to the contacts. She had to stop wearing them.
She lived in a building that was so dangerous, her adoptive mom would look out the window for her and take note of the time she came into the building. If she took too much time to go upstairs, she would know something happened to her.
She died in college. It was a horrible death. A blood infection destroyed her whole body. She was bleeding from her eyes and her head was so big, her adoptive mom put a wig on her. It was a closed casket ceremony and up above her coffin, was the beautiful yearbook picture I had been so jealous about.

4)

My parents were married for over 30 years. My father was well liked. He knew a lot of people. A lot of people came to her funeral. Married such a long time. My mom was lucky...right?

Here's the reality:

HE treated my mom like crap.
He was never home.
He was a liar and make my mom depressed.
My mom was depressed all of the time.

5)

My friend met someone online. She was so incredibly happy. She talked about him all the time. She was in love. This guy was so great....so great...so great. Really? No, he was an alcoholic.

6)

My friend was in a committed, long term relationship. He came to events with her. He was there for here. They were solid. Why couldn't I find someone like that? They were together. He was wonderful. She seemed soooo happy with him. Right? No. She suffered big-time. He was a narcissitist. After much suffering, she left him.

7)

I had a friend who talked about her bf all the time. They were living together. They had a child together. She told me I needed a man like hers. Well, I went to visit them. I stayed overnight, but I never got a chance to spend real time with her! Why? Because from the moment we got home to her house after work, she worked her a$$ off. I was a guest! I was there to spend time with her! She worked her a$$ off while her husband sat on his a$$ and watched her. She did everything. We spent NO time alone together talking. He was always there, giving her orders. Even at night, she had no time. She ironed his clothes and laid them out for him. We also went to see a VERY violent movie because he wanted to see it. She said he was obnoxious because he something was wrong with him and he was close to having an episode. But it doesn't explained why she worked like a slave the entire time I was there. It was unbelievable. Another friend of mine spent the night at her house. During that time, again, she worked like a slave.

I know of other women in similar situations. One was crying in the bathroom because her husband retired and made her quit her job so she could be home with him. There are more stories like this I can tell you.

8)I knew of a woman who was married for YEARS and never loved her husband. She married him because it was "the right thing to do." Do you think this woman went around telling most people "I've been married for years, but I never loved my husband." Nooo. See what I mean?

What's my point? It's possible your friend can be truly happy. But a lot of times things look wonderful, but they are not. People will talk about their partner as if things are going great, but they are not. And, you never know what's going on...really going on in someone's life until you live it.

My ex and I were together 3 years. Yay, we made three years...right? NO! Hell No! Many times being in a long term relationship means nothing because the relationship can be a joke like mine was. When I left my bf, I felt lost, but he was still a horrific bf.

All you can do is pay attention to your life and try to make it good. Don't compare yourself with others. I know it's hard. Try to focus on your life and make it a good one. Do things to make you happy. Do amazing things in life. Take changes. Forget about trying to find someone for now, and make a good life for you.

Edited July 13, 2012 by CopingGal

July 13, 2012

Hi. Thank you.

It's good that you recognized that you behaved badly. Try to be gentle with yourself. A good therapist can show you what to do so that next time you can deal with resentments better. A good therapist can show you adaptive coping mechanisms. Good Luck. Take care of you.

I really like my counselor. She's been very good with helping me realize things. She's also impressed that I've done soo much research on my own. The program I'm is specifically for domestic abuse. I was really embarrassed when I told people this, but I don't care, I've learned so much about myself.

I really wish everybody would go seek some sort of counseling. The world would be a much nicer place.

July 13, 2012

I really like my counselor. She's been very good with helping me realize things. She's also impressed that I've done soo much research on my own. The program I'm is specifically for domestic abuse. I was really embarrassed when I told people this, but I don't care, I've learned so much about myself.

I really wish everybody would go seek some sort of counseling. The world would be a much nicer place.

Yes, I agree. I am proud of you for working on yourself...very proud of you.

July 13, 2012

During my relationship, I loved my ex so much I said I would fight for him.

If you do something wrong and your ex leaves, then maybe fighting for them is good.

If you and your partner are having problems, then maybe fighting for the relationship is good.

But if your partner has chosen to go to other women/men, simply out of boredom, or because they can't be faithful, or because it's simply a Friday night...LET THEM GO!

I too believe this. Me and my ex had a very good relationship. And I mean good. He was not perfect but we never argued. We had so many things in common. He said he was religious and believed, absolutely, in fidelity and that during his 20+ years with his wife, he had never strayed. etc etc. He even boasted that he had read the bible from cover to cover TWICE.

So when he broke up with me just because of something I said, I believed that I had to do something. I mean, I always believed that it would be better to regret something I did than something I did not do. Right?

So, I tried to ask him why. He said I asked too many questions and that it was risking his job already. He has top security clearance and I asked too many questions. I was asking about his address! Geez.

Anyway, I cried my eyes out, but my friends did some digging. Turned out, he was already married. And he started cheating on her with me a month after they were married.

And my asking too many questions? Nothing to do with job. I asked too many personal questions.

So I knew I had to let him go. He wasn't worth it. I deserve someone better.

You did the right thing.

If only my ex had been a bitch to me the whole relationship...maybe it'd be easier to let go. But she was an angel to me the whole time, until the end

Ditto. He was a very good bf, except for some issues. When he was here, he was very consistent. Texts and messages several times a day. He never goes to sleep without sending me a good night message. Very sweet messages everyday.

And then boom! The killer. I would actually have preferred a relationship wherein we would argue but then talk it out than to be in this situation.

All you can do is pay attention to your life and try to make it good. Don't compare yourself with others. I know it's hard. Try to focus on your life and make it a good one. Do things to make you happy. Do amazing things in life. Take changes. Forget about trying to find someone for now, and make a good life for you.

This ^^.

I did my crying, then moved on. I am not totally over him, but it gets easier with time. You can too

July 13, 2012

Thanks.

My Gosh that is terrible. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can feel your words. It feels like you have indeed healed a lot. I am glad for you.

July 14, 2012

Sugarkane, this is a very long entry, but I wrote it for you.

Sometimes I get jealous, but then I think that things are not always what they seem. I used to get very jealous. Not any more.

1)
A very good friend of mine was gorgeous. She always had men after her. Finally, she got the pick of a lifetime...even though he was her supervisor. He was cool and had charisma. He was good looking and a dream. I was jealous. I was jealous.

Turns out the the man cheated on her on Valentine's Day AND he hit her.

2)
A very good friend of mine, also was gorgeous. She got the guy I wanted. It was not fair. I wanted him. She got him. The two of them ended up homeless and staying with a friend of hers...a female friend. She found the two of them
in bed together in the house the three of them were sharin

3)
A very good friend of mine in high school...also was gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous. My Gosh, when she got contacts and wore those instead of glasses, she was even more beautiful. She had eyes like a cat...and I mean gorgeous. People didn't tease her the way they teased me. All three of us (her, another
friend of ours, and I) liked this guy...really liked him. He picked her.

Then, they broke up, but she never said why. She went to the prom with some friend and she brought the tickets. (You can bet your bottom dollar she did not advertise that part). But to others, she actually had a date even
though she hung out with me and my other friend who were
considered...undesirable. I was so, so envious of her. She had so much
confidence in herself. She knew she looked good.

Her yearbook picture was SO BEAUTIFUL!!! So BEAUTIFUL. The people on the yearbook committee thought it would be funny to put the yearbook pic that showed the side of my face in which I had to get a tooth removed toward the front of my mouth in the yearbook. I gave them another picture to use...the one that showed the other side of my face. I cried all the way home and refused to get the book. I was teased through school, esp. highschool. This was just another slap in the face.

My friend bragged about the hip, expensive clothes she wore. My mom brought me cheap jeans. She had Gloria Vanderbuilt jeans. She said that she could
have been a Barbie doll, but she choose not to. In other words she need she could hang out with the popular girls if she wanted too. All senior year I was jealous, jealous.

Here's the reality:

She was allergic to the contacts. She had to stop wearing them.
She lived in a building that was so dangerous, her adoptive mom would look out the window for her and take note of the time she came into the building. If she took too much time to go upstairs, she would know something happened to her.
She died in college. It was a horrible death. A blood infection destroyed her
whole body. She was bleeding from her eyes and her head was so big, her
adoptive mom put a wig on her. It was a closed casket ceremony and up above her coffin, was the beautiful yearbook picture I had been so jealous
about.
4)
My parents were married for over 30 years. My father was well liked. He knew a lot of people. A lot of people came to her funeral. Married such a long time.
My mom was lucky...right?

Here's the realit

HE treated my mom like crap.
He was never home.
He was a liar and make my mom depressed.
My mom was depressed all of the time.
5)

My friend met someone online. She was so incredibly happy. She talked about him all the time. She was in love. This guy was so great....so great...so great. Really? No, he was an alcoholic

6)
My friend was in a committed, long term relationship. He came to events with
her. He was there for here. They were solid. Why couldn't I find someone like
that? They were together. He was wonderful. She seemed soooo happy with
him. Right? No. She suffered big-time. He was a narcissitist. After much
suffering, she left him

7)
I had a friend who talked about her bf all the time. They were living together. They had a child together. She told me I needed a man like hers. Well, I went
to visit them. I stayed overnight, but I never got a chance to spend real time with her! Why? Because from the moment we got home to her house after work, she worked her a$$ off. I was a guest! I was there to spend time with
her! She worked her a$$ off while her husband sat on his a$$ and watched
her. She did everything. We spent NO time alone together talking. He was
always there, giving her orders. Even at night, she had no time. She ironed
his clothes and laid them out for him. We also went to see a VERY violent
movie because he wanted to see it. She said he was obnoxious because he
something was wrong with him and he was close to having an episode. But it
doesn't explained why she worked like a slave the entire time I was there. It
was unbelievable. Another friend of mine spent the night at her house. During
that time, again, she worked like a slave.

I know of other women in similar situations. One was crying in the bathroom because her husband retired and made her quit her job so she could be home
with him. There are more stories like this I can tell you.

8)I knew of a woman who was married for YEARS and never loved her husband. She married him because it was "the right thing to do." Do you think this woman went around telling most people "I've been married for years, but I
never loved my husband." Nooo. See what I mean?

What's my point? It's possible your friend can be truly happy. But a lot of
times things look wonderful, but they are not. People will talk about their
partner as if things are going great, but they are not. And, you never know
what's going on...really going on in someone's life until you live it

My ex and I were together 3 years. Yay, we made three years...right? NO! Hell No! Many times being in a long term relationship means nothing because the
relationship can be a joke like mine was. When I left my bf, I felt lost, but he
was still a horrific bf

All you can do is pay attention to your life and try to make it good. Don't compare yourself with others. I know it's hard. Try to focus on your life and
make it a good one. Do things to make you happy. Do amazing things in life.
Take changes. Forget about trying to find someone for now, and make a good
life for you.

Your posts are always helpful! You had responded to some of my situations abd ut helped! I just read this and u r so right about things not being as they appear. My problem is being jealous and angry at the girl my ex left me for and is now engaged to and I think in my head that he's made all these changes for her and they will have the perfect marriage and that I am so flawed and she is great. This is horrible thinking and I know after a year if being with him she has not seen him show his ass yet so by him cheating on me and her knowing about me says something about both if their characters so now I really don't think things will be so great, it's just a matter if time!

July 14, 2012

Sugarkane, this is a very long entry, but I wrote it for you.

Sometimes I get jealous, but then I think that things are not always what they seem. I used to get very jealous. Not any more.

1)
A very good friend of mine was gorgeous. She always had men after her. Finally, she got the pick of a lifetime...even though he was her supervisor. He was cool and had charisma. He was good looking and a dream. I was jealous. I was jealous.

Turns out the the man cheated on her on Valentine's Day AND he hit her.

2)

A very good friend of mine, also was gorgeous. She got the guy I wanted. It was not fair. I wanted him. She got him. The two of them ended up homeless and staying with a friend of hers...a female friend. She found the two of them
in bed together in the house the three of them were shar

3)
A very good friend of mine in high school...also was gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous. My Gosh, when she got contacts and wore those instead of glasses, she was even more beautiful. She had eyes like a cat...and I mean gorgeous. People didn't tease her the way they teased me. All three of us (her, another
friend of ours, and I) liked this guy...really liked him. He picked her.

Then, they broke up, but she never said why. She went to the prom with some friend and she brought the tickets. (You can bet your bottom dollar she did not advertise that part). But to others, she actually had a date even
though she hung out with me and my other friend who were
considered...undesirable. I was so, so envious of her. She had so much
confidence in herself. She knew she looked goo

Her yearbook picture was SO BEAUTIFUL!!! So BEAUTIFUL. The people on the yearbook committee thought it would be funny to put the yearbook pic that showed the side of my face in which I had to get a tooth removed toward the front of my mouth in the yearbook. I gave them another picture to use...the one that showed the other side of my face. I cried all the way home and refused to get the book. I was teased through school, esp.

My friend bragged about the hip, expensive clothes she wore. My mom brought me cheap jeans. She had Gloria Vanderbuilt jeans. She said that she could
have been a Barbie doll, but she choose not to. In other words she need she could hang out with the popular girls if she wanted too. All senior year I was jealous, jealous.

Here's the reality:

She was allergic to the contacts. She had to stop wearing them.
She lived in a building that was so dangerous, her adoptive mom would look out the window for her and take note of the time she came into the building. If she took too much time to go upstairs, she would know something
happened to her.
She died in college. It was a horrible death. A blood infection destroyed her
whole body. She was bleeding from her eyes and her head was so big, her
adoptive mom put a wig on her. It was a closed casket ceremony and up above her coffin, was the beautiful yearbook picture I had been so jealous
about.
4)
My parents were married for over 30 years. My father was well liked. He knew a lot of people. A lot of people came to her funeral. Married such a long time.
My mom was lucky...right?

Here's the realit

HE treated my mom like crap.
He was never home.
He was a liar and make my mom depressed.
My mom was depressed all of the time.
5)

My friend met someone online. She was so incredibly happy. She talked about
him all the time. She was in love. This guy was so great....so great...so great. Really? No, he was an alcoholic

6)
My friend was in a committed, long term relationship. He came to events with
her. He was there for here. They were solid. Why couldn't I find someone like
that? They were together. He was wonderful. She seemed soooo happy with
him. Right? No. She suffered big-time. He was a narcissitist. After much
suffering, she left him

7)
I had a friend who talked about her bf all the time. They were living together. They had a child together. She told me I needed a man like hers. Well, I went
to visit them. I stayed overnight, but I never got a chance to spend real time with her! Why? Because from the moment we got home to her house after work, she worked her a$$ off. I was a guest! I was there to spend time with
her! She worked her a$$ off while her husband sat on his a$$ and watched
her. She did everything. We spent NO time alone together talking. He was
always there, giving her orders. Even at night, she had no time. She ironed
his clothes and laid them out for him. We also went to see a VERY violent
movie because he wanted to see it. She said he was obnoxious because he
something was wrong with him and he was close to having an episode. But it
doesn't explained why she worked like a slave the entire time I was there. It
was unbelievable. Another friend of mine spent the night at her house. During
that time, again, she worked like a slave.

I know of other women in similar situations. One was crying in the bathroom because her husband retired and made her quit her job so she could be home
with him. There are more stories like this I can tell you.

8)I knew of a woman who was married for YEARS and never loved her husband. She married him because it was "the right thing to do." Do you think this woman went around telling most people "I've been married for years, but I
never loved my husband." Nooo. See what I mean?

What's my point? It's possible your friend can be truly happy. But a lot of
times things look wonderful, but they are not. People will talk about their
partner as if things are going great, but they are not. And, you never know
what's going on...really going on in someone's life until you live it

My ex and I were together 3 years. Yay, we made three years...right? NO! Hell No! Many times being in a long term relationship means nothing because the
relationship can be a joke like mine was. When I left my bf, I felt lost, but he
was still a horrific bf

All you can do is pay attention to your life and try to make it good. Don't
compare yourself with others. I know it's hard. Try to focus on your life and
make it a good one. Do things to make you happy. Do amazing things in life.
Take changes. Forget about trying to find someone for now, and make a good
life for you.

Your posts are always helpful! You had responded to some of my situations

and it helped! I just read this and u r so right about things not being as they appear. My problem is being jealous and angry at the girl my ex left me for and is now engaged to and I think in my head that he's made all these changes for her and they will have the perfect marriage and that I am so flawed and she is great. This is horrible thinking and I know after a year if being with him she has not seen him show his ass yet so by him cheating on me and her knowing about me says something about both if their characters so now I really don't think things will be so great, it's just a matter if time!

July 14, 2012

Hi Sweett.

Thanks for you kind words.

When I left my boyfriend because I could no longer take being ignored 12 days out of every 14, he kept coming to my city to see this woman...all the time. He lead me to believe that he met her after I left him. Not so, he cheated on me with her.

Anyway, before I knew the real story and we were in the first 3 months of our break up, before I went NC, he talked about her, moved to my city for her, was always there for her, etc., etc. When she dumped him, he GRIEVED for her. He didn't grieve for me, but he grieved for her. He put her on facebook. He kept me hidden from facebook. So on and so on. It was awful and I was very jealous. It got worse because after only 5 months with her he proposed to her and threw that in my face.

BUT the couple's therapist that we had seen when we were a couple told me not to be jealous. She said that I did not know his agenda. She felt that he was acting this way because he wanted something from her.

It's really hard to go from being treated like crap to witnessing your ex giving everything to a stranger that he wouldn't give you. But you know, sooner or later, he would have treated her badly. I'm not sure, but I think he had already started lying to her. This woman was very reckless, just like him, very promicuous just like him. And she screwed him over.

And even though he game me crumbs in the relationship and opened up his life to her, sooner or later he would have done terrible things to her. This I know. My heart stings, but this my head knows. No matter how much better our exes seem to treat new gfs, we have to keep in mind that they are still the people that they are. If anything we should pity their new victims.

July 15, 2012

I always try and remember that too. CopingGal why is it ok to be an Ahole just because your the dumper? Our exes were completely far from perfect that's for sure. They have many faults the major one abusing others so they can feel good about themslves.

July 15, 2012

I always try and remember that too. CopingGal why is it ok to be an Ahole just because your the dumper? Our exes were completely far from perfect that's for sure. They have many faults the major one abusing others so they can feel good about themslves.

I don't think dumpers are Aholes. I don't think other people on this site think that as well if the dumper was forced to dump because of bad treatment. I think many people think dumpers are Aholes if the person who did the dumping was cold, unfeeling, and/or a liar...esp when that person jumps right into another relationship.

July 15, 2012

Hello CopingGal,

reading your posts, I am really sorry to hear this. I was through something similar but I know your situation was worse, can't believe you hold it for three years, two more years of this and I would be dead, I would probably kill myself, during my relationship I started to believe I was the worst person in this world.

Yes I was the dumper too, I believe others think I am an ******* for this but I couldn't bear it anymore.

Sending you hugs :-*.

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