StrangeBehaviors Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Have you been in a relationship with, or known someone that cannot be alone? Wonder why?
Philosoraptor Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I was in a relationship with someone like that awhile back. It was based on need rather than want and caused by her childhood. She was dating immideately and may always cling to what she sees as safe. 1
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 What about their childhood made them behave this way? Thanks.
Philosoraptor Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 In her case she was emotionally abandoned by her parents at a young age. In most cases not being able to be alone is caused by the need for emotional safety. 1
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 In her case she was emotionally abandoned by her parents at a young age. In most cases not being able to be alone is caused by the need for emotional safety. Hmmm......what is emotional safety. (Anyone including Philo can define if they want.) Thanks.
Philosoraptor Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Eternal emotional safety (which many who can't be "alone" crave) is the need to know that someone is there for them to rely on at all times. It often comes from the inability to rely on oneself. Those who have a need to always have someone are those who need to be alone the most. If you can't feel whole without someone else you'll be a huge burden for your partner. Imagine having to not only hold yourself up but to also be in charge of all of the grievances of another. That's pretty much what being with someone who can't be alone is like. It's the most emotionally and mentally draining thing I've ever come across. And it's why those who can't be alone have so many relationship failures... their partner just gets burnt out. 1
Radagast Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 My ex-wife had really bad family of origin relationships. Her parents had a dysfunctional relationship, her father was completely dominated by her mother and the kids were emotionally neglected. She was the least favoured child, her father used to call her "poison dwarf" because as a child she was really nasty to her siblings and parents. She had no real friendships, saw the whole world as being against her, and got married young in order to escape her home life. The older man she married "lacked ambition" and she saw too many similarities to her father, and felt unfulfilled in her marriage and saw that as society keeping women from reaching their true potential, so she sought to leave her marriage by finding someone to rescue her from it (me). Throughout our marriage she was both very needy and very clingy, with an insatiable need for affirmation, reassurance that she was pretty, clever, talented, etc, as well as being very stand-offish, not ever allowing anyone to get close, being mistrustful and physically reserved. There were never any physical displays of affection, no ILYs, just emotional sponging. We had a separation - initiated by her - when she felt I was not completely on her side (I refused to lie for her at work) and she fell to pieces. She could not cope on her own. She begged me to take her back and because the kids were suffering I did. We later divorced after my affair but she begged me not to leave. When I did leave she immediately plugged the gap with someone else, who soon dumped her at which point she took to begging me to come back to her (although I was remarried). She has a history of suicide attempts and other problems, struggling to find resources within herself to cope with life and so needs to draw them from other people. Because her parents, teachers, siblings and peers did not provide her with the affirmation and security as a child to feel that she was basically OK, she has always sought that assurance from others either directly or through manipulative means, crashing and burning and then drawing satisfaction from seeing others drop everything to cluster around her and care for her. She is unable to provide assurance and security for herself.
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