Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

[Eternal Sunshine]

My issue with this is that a 38 year old woman should know herself enough to know she can't handle casual sex. At date 4, without any talk of exclusivity or commitment it IS casual sex. He never made you any promises.

 

I don't see how he used you or played you at all - it is within your power to ask the important questions before sex and decide from there.

[Feelsgoodman]

I agree, all the soothe sayers come out to assure the OP he's a jerk, and it had nothing to do with her. Doubtful. First, not every man welcomes all vaginas. Let's spew a little gender equality. Right? Size doesn't matter? Men have the right to be just as judgemental.Secondly, perhaps she got a little too heavy and caused him to see a red flag or two.

I keep telling her that if a man wants to use you for sex, he will want more than just oral. But she refuses to listen to the voice of reason because doing so would lead to the uncomfortable conclusion that maybe she shares part of the blame (or all of the the blame...) for what happened. We are not getting the full story here folks, simple as that.

[RedRobin]

My issue with this is that a 38 year old woman should know herself enough to know she can't handle casual sex. At date 4, without any talk of exclusivity or commitment it IS casual sex. He never made you any promises.

 

I don't see how he used you or played you at all - it is within your power to ask the important questions before sex and decide from there.

 

Your argument is rather chicken and egg, don't you think?

 

It normally wouldn't occur to people who don't have casual sex, don't multi-date, and usually have decent people pickers to whip out the dating polygraph test. They state their expectations and goals. The other person states their expectations and goals... and then they go forward in a spirit of good faith and trust.

 

I'm not sure how long the OP has been doing OLD, but the phenomenon and behavior you are describing and this 'man' is displaying is par for the course... and also par for the course in the current pump-and-dump culture that is so much of 'dating' these days.

 

When I was thrust back into the dating world after being in a committed relationship since 1993(!!), I had no clue about any of the terminology you stated. When I slept with the man who (unfortunately later) became my ex-H, he asked me what my feelings were about monogamy... and I said it was the only way to achieve true intimacy. That was it. That was the extent of our 'exclusivity' and 'commitment' discussion. :rolleyes:

 

After I became single again, it only took one negative experience (and observing the discussions and behavior of people on LS) to clue me in.

 

Anyway, I don't think she is complaining about being used. She is complaining about his lack of diplomacy and consideration after the fact.

 

...also a function of OLD. She is probably used to men who are more considerate.

 

She also said that she will use more care in the future. It appears she is adapting to this new world of dating where maybe one does need a damn polygraph to protect them from casual/multi-daters who operate on assumptions that benefit them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If she hasn't adapted and this is her first experience, fair enough.

 

There should only be one. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice....

[RedRobin]

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice....

 

Agreed......

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, I think, OP, that continuing on with this thread is not helping you. I totally understand how terrible and deeply hurtful rejection can feel, even if it seems to other people that it must not be such a big deal because you didn't know him very long, etc. But you will put this behind you pretty fast, and I think you know it. Dwelling on it is not helping you.

 

I don't think that the guy is necessarily damaged goods or whatever because he wasn't ever married, but I think that would be something to really take a look at closely if I were in your shoes. I mean at the time - for now, forget about him and what type of a person he might or might not be.

 

There is probably plenty to learn about yourself from what happened, and I hope in the future you will keep yourself protected until you are sure YOU are likely to get what you are hoping for with a guy you are seeing - which evidently is NOT casual sex.

 

So don't go away, but maybe use LoveShack as a sounding board as you go forward in your dating adventures. There IS good advice to be found here, too.

Edited July 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Thread starter, if you wish further on-topic input, alert on this post and ask for the thread to be re-opened. Thanks.