Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

[RedRobin]

Like I said excessive charm, smoothness, and over the top social skills are often signs of creepiness. This guy fits the bill.

 

I agree.

 

Bullet dodged.

[Camarina]

He was charming as hell. Sweet as can be. Super fun. I thought it was sincere. He seemed totally normal other than the throat-holding stuff and possible commitment issues. Stupid me.

[RedRobin]

He was charming as hell. Sweet as can be. Super fun. I thought it was sincere. He seemed totally normal other than the throat-holding stuff and possible commitment issues. Stupid me.

 

Don't feel bad or ashamed. You should never feel bad about trying to find love. It is the sleazeballs who should feel bad.

 

Not sure how long you've been doing OLD, but it is definately the venue of choice for guys like this.

 

Couple of other things to look out for...

 

They are reluctant to do things in groups or in public where you can get a tangent on other subtle behaviors. They will be pushing for things where they can get you alone.

 

They will push for situations where they can get sexual early and work in other activities that tend to lower defenses.

 

They tend to talk about sexual things early as well.

[yongyong]

There are a lot of things you won't understand in dating scene.

 

The thing is Men has to get blamed whether he doesn't contact her or she doesn't contact him.

 

I had a great time with this chick. we started to kiss. she seemed very horny since she kept moving her lower body when I was kissing her on the top. I didn't dry hump her though. I didn't hear from her after that. I felt maybe I escalated too fast and blamed myself.

 

I met this chick a week ago. we kissed on a first date. it was just romantic kiss. I kissed her neck since she said she liked to be kissed there. My only mistake was, I kissed one nipple for few seconds and put it back. she is not responding and I think maybe I escalated too fast again even though she was moaning at that time.

 

So what do you want to say? do you want to say you feel like you were used?

What if you decided to cut the contact first? you would blame him pushing you too fast.

Either way, Men is a douchebag and whatever you as Women did was reasonable.

 

I want to tell girls 'if you are not sure, don't spread your legs first and blame guys later'

Guys who think with their dick is a douchebag. So are the girls who think with their pusxy.

 

Bottom line, nobody forced you to blow him.

[kaylan]

And I wish people would stop yammering on about how bad this guy supposedly is.

 

Some folks just dont like to go through the awkwardness of actually telling someone it isnt going to work. You dont get the actual words if you arent exclusive with someone.

 

These two went on a few dates, and grownups should be able to take hints without getting upset. If they were more involved, then Id expect him to tell her hes not interested without her asking about it.

 

But lets be real here. Even if he simply told her "I think youre a cool girl, but Im not feeling it with you", she still would create a thread and have people here calling him a jerk. He didnt use her, he didnt lead her on. They both had some fun dates, had a fun sexual hookup, and then he decided she wasnt for him.

 

Why is he such a bad guy? She can simply ask him whats going on. You know most people arent good with just starting convos in order to reject someone. If she talked to him about this in the first place, Im sure he would have made it clear to her that they had fun but hes moving on.

Timing of sex will not change how into you a guy is/is not. When will people realize this? OP would have gained nothing by waiting. Perhaps she would have wasted more time.

 

She had a nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred. Why make that into some horror story about being "used"?

This.

Edited July 14, 2012 by kaylan

[RedRobin]

And I wish people would stop yammering on about how bad this guy supposedly is.

 

He's 48, not 25 (like you).

 

She made her intentions clear in the beginning. If he was looking for something casual, he should have said so... or grow some cahones and tell her directly what the situation is.

 

That's why he's a jerk. He's also expected to have a bit more developed social skills than the kiddos.

 

The fact that he's 48 and never had a relationship lasting more than a year or two speaks volumes. He's either a liar or just has no interest/ability in improving his social skills.

[kaylan]

She made her intentions clear? Really? Actually no she didnt. She just made assumptions about how nice and good of a catch hed be to her.

 

Did she outright say "im looking for a relationship"?

 

How the hell do you know he wants something just casual? How the heck do you know that maybe he just didnt feel much chemistry after they had their several hang outs? It happens ya know.

[RedRobin]

I find it amusing that the casual/multi-daters expect ones who don't to work the truth out of you. Why don't you just be up front? Oh... RIGHT... because you don't get the goodies that way.

 

Lots easier to just let sh*t drop off the plate rather than clean it up too.

[kaylan]

All she had to do was ask him how he was feeling. Its hard and awkward for anyone to just reject someone out of the blue...no matter what theyre age.

 

Again I dont think he did anything wrong. They had mutual fun, and he decided she wasnt for him.

 

And just because hes 48 and has had a really long relationship doesnt mean he lacks social skills. SOME PEOPLE ENJOY BEING SINGLE or SOME PEOPLE JUST HAVENT MET THE RIGHT PERSON.

 

I didnt know you could read the dudes mind.

 

And get what goodies? The guy backed off and didnt keep stringing her along. People like you would still be damning the guy for hooking up with her and not liking her even if he was more upfront. The problem here is shes trying to fall back on idea of being used, when that isnt what happened. Guys cant win.

[Camarina]

He made a joke on date #1, saying that if I were looking for a fling then things weren't going to work out between he and I. I responded by telling him that I wasn't into flings, that I'd never had a fling in my life, and that I wasn't sure I could have one even if I wanted to because I'm just not wired that way. I think I was pretty clear.

[kaylan]

They both didnt try to talk to each other, yet hes the bad guy? Come on now RR

He made a joke on date #1, saying that if I were looking for a fling then things weren't going to work out between he and I. I responded by telling him that I wasn't into flings, that I'd never had a fling in my life, and that I wasn't sure I could have one even if I wanted to because I'm just not wired that way. I think I was pretty clear.

Why try and talk around jokes?

 

Why not outright tell him "im looking for a relationship"?

 

I mean jeez....you both had fun dates, and mutual oral...but hes the bad guy? I dont get it.

[sid3]

And I wish people would stop yammering on about how bad this guy supposedly is.

 

Some folks just dont like to go through the awkwardness of actually telling someone it isnt going to work. You dont get the actual words if you arent exclusive with someone.

 

These two went on a few dates, and grownups should be able to take hints without getting upset. If they were more involved, then Id expect him to tell her hes not interested without her asking about it.

 

But lets be real here. Even if he simply told her "I think youre a cool girl, but Im not feeling it with you", she still would create a thread and have people here calling him a jerk. He didnt use her, he didnt lead her on. They both had some fun dates, had a fun sexual hookup, and then he decided she wasnt for him.

 

Why is he such a bad guy? She can simply ask him whats going on. You know most people arent good with just starting convos in order to reject someone. If she talked to him about this in the first place, Im sure he would have made it clear to her that they had fun but hes moving on.

This.

 

I agree, all the soothe sayers come out to assure the OP he's a jerk, and it had nothing to do with her. Doubtful. First, not every man welcomes all vaginas. Let's spew a little gender equality. Right? Size doesn't matter? Men have the right to be just as judgemental.Secondly, perhaps she got a little too heavy and caused him to see a red flag or two.

[Camarina]

I did not get "too heavy." I'm a great catch. I know this.

[kaylan]

Anyways, all I am saying is next time, be more upfront and ask the guy what hes looking for, and tell him what you are looking for. Outright say "Are you looking for a relationship?" or "I am looking for a boyfriend"

 

Guys have heard many women say they dont have flings, even though theyve really had them in the past or ended up having flings with the guy anyways. So just be upfront about what you are looking for, and dont talk around jokes.

 

At least you found out the deal early instead of wasting your time.

[Camarina]

I will absolutely be more upfront next time, and I'll take things slower. I've learned my lesson.

[RedRobin]

She made her intentions clear? Really? Actually no she didnt. She just made assumptions about how nice and good of a catch hed be to her.

 

Did she outright say "im looking for a relationship"?

 

Yes, I believe she did. Check her posts. She said she was looking for a relationship.

 

But I agree with you on one thing... alot of women get fooled by the shiny facade. Especially in the OLD world. Since I work around alot of successful people, it never got past my filters when I was doing OLD... but a few tried. Anyway, I'm not impressed by that stuff anyway. So I'm innoculated

 

How the heck do you know that maybe he just didnt feel much chemistry after they had their several hang outs? It happens ya know.

 

Not that tough to tell her in a polite way.

 

I've never, not once, failed to communicate to a guy if I wasn't interested in pursuing more. Even if it were only ONE date... much less a string of dates and something physical.

[sid3]

I did not get "too heavy." I'm a great catch. I know this.

 

Yeah, you sound perfect. Oh, except to the guy you've written about. Had he not dismissed you, it doubtful he'd be the "jerk". Funny thing about some guys, they know when they can do better, and actually do. Keep being a great catch, the next guy may not have as many options.

Keep it in your pants next time if you're not sure.

[Camarina]

I didn't call him a jerk. (At least I don't think I did.) I fully acknowledge that he might be a great guy who just wasn't into me. I'm trying to understand what he might have been thinking that caused him to pull away. I would have appreciated a proper ending. I found his behavior to be hurtful.

[RedRobin]

To be completely clear...

 

I consider him to be a 'jerk'... not because he decided not to pursue further... but because he failed to communicate properly after the fact.

 

Since he's 48 and not 28, he has a higher bar to jump in terms of what is expected, IMHO.

 

I'd expect this kind of thing from a guy in his 20's... not a guy in his 40's... Just FYI to the youngin's.

 

You want to fight off the man-thers and poachers for your girls in their 20's and 30's... start with some decent communication skills and baseline respect and thoughtfulness... K?

[kaylan]

I didn't call him a jerk. (At least I don't think I did.) I fully acknowledge that he might be a great guy who just wasn't into me. I'm trying to understand what he might have been thinking that caused him to pull away. I would have appreciated a proper ending. I found his behavior to be hurtful.

Sometimes people just dont click...and sometimes people dont want to hurt someone and make them insecure by telling them exactly why they dont click.

 

The one time I told a girl exactly why I couldnt ever date her, I lost a friend. I could have told her I wasnt ready for a relationship, or that I just dont think were compatible...but she wanted the exact answer and couldnt handle that truth.

[RedRobin]

I didn't call him a jerk. (At least I don't think I did.) I fully acknowledge that he might be a great guy who just wasn't into me. I'm trying to understand what he might have been thinking that caused him to pull away. I would have appreciated a proper ending. I found his behavior to be hurtful.

 

No, you didn't call him a jerk.

 

I'm ok calling him a jerk though. I think he was disrespectful given the information you've provided so far.

 

I love how some people keep making excuses for this guy not following up... He's not a little kid. They need to grow up and develop some integrity themselves, me-thinks...

Edited July 14, 2012 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

...more than one bullet dodged on this thread.

[kaylan]

Oh please....both he and the OP are little kids then.

 

Neither just talked to each other like adults.

[Camarina]

Yeah, you sound perfect. Oh, except to the guy you've written about. Had he not dismissed you, it doubtful he'd be the "jerk". Funny thing about some guys, they know when they can do better, and actually do. Keep being a great catch, the next guy may not have as many options.

Keep it in your pants next time if you're not sure.

 

Or perhaps he just wasn't too keen on the fact that I didn't love having his hand squeezing my throat. Who knows.

[Eddie Edirol]

I would have appreciated a proper ending. I found his behavior to be hurtful.

 

No sense obsessing about it. Most of the times in dating, and you must know this, you will never get a proper ending. people just fade away because they are too much of a coward to deal with the situation. So dont ever expect a proper ending, assume every ending will be a vague fadeout.