Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

July 13, 2012

Oh please. Her age does matter to us whether or not we'd even consider wanting to get serious. You can live in self-denial all you want. I couldn't care less. Now move on to someone else, and stop looking for chances to take shots at me.

He knew her age before becoming intimate and dating her.

There is no excuse for being a user and a jerk. Go ahead and live in that self-denial all you want.

July 13, 2012

Timing of sex will not change how into you a guy is/is not. When will people realize this? OP would have gained nothing by waiting. Perhaps she would have wasted more time.

She had a nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred. Why make that into some horror story about being "used"?

July 13, 2012

Timing of sex will not change how into you a guy is/is not. When will people realize this? OP would have gained nothing by waiting. Perhaps she would have wasted more time.

She had a nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred. Why make that into some horror story about being "used"?

I fully agree with this. OP, it sounds to me like he just changed his mind about whether you guys would be a serious match. I know that hurts, because it feels like rejection - but the truth is, he's doing you a favor by cutting it off quickly rather than dragging it out. You guys weren't a match. Why he changed his mind could drive you crazy - doesn't really matter, in the end. It doesn't sound to me like there's anything you could have done "differently" - so I'd just chalk it up to the wonderful world of dating.

And I hope you at least had fun while it lasted. That would make it win-win.

July 13, 2012

Caramina, I agree with Bethebutterfly, you are very lucky that he didn't string you along. My ex gf just dumped me after almost fifteen months and the whole time we saw each other she was confused as to whether she wanted to be with me or not. This caused a very painful and exhausting roller coaster relationship. I was deeply in love with this women who continued time and time again to break my heart, only to later resume things with me. We had amazing sex more times than I can count and I'm one of those guy's that doesn't take sex lightly, it means something special to me.

Now I'm left hurt, alone, confused, and empty. I treated this women like gold, and she ended things via email, didn't have the respect for me to say it in person or over the phone. Trust me, you don't want this to happen to you!

I am sorry for what happened. Your ex sounds like a very confused lady. I wonder if she is not healed from something in her past which makes her not know what she wants in life?

That is awesome that sex is special for you.

Please don't give up on women and become bitter? There are many wonderful ladies who are healed of issues in their past, or do not have issues to work through, who can enjoy loving and being loved. I hope you heal soon and the next lady in your life, treasures you just as much as you treasure her.

July 13, 2012

Timing of sex will not change how into you a guy is/is not. When will people realize this? OP would have gained nothing by waiting. Perhaps she would have wasted more time.

She had a nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred. Why make that into some horror story about being "used"?

She obviously feels that this man no longer cares for her.

Since her feelings are involved and they got hurt, then it cannot be simply chalked up as a "nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred." if that was all she wanted, she would not have written this thread.

Obviously, she wants more: to love and to be loved by a wonderful man.

She is hurt that this didn't happen with this guy, and I understand that. It would have hurt me too. Some people want more than just a temporary sexual connection. Some people want a deeper connection, one that lasts more than just 4 dates... one that ideally lasts a lifetime.

July 13, 2012

She obviously feels that this man no longer cares for her.

Since her feelings are involved and they got hurt, then it cannot be simply chalked up as a "nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred." if that was all she wanted, she would not have written this thread.

Obviously, she wants more: to love and to be loved by a wonderful man.

She is hurt that this didn't happen with this guy, and I understand that. It would have hurt me too. Some people want more than just a temporary sexual connection. Some people want a deeper connection, one that lasts more than just 4 dates... one that ideally lasts a lifetime.

I agree with you... and if he were a thoughtful person, he would have found the courage to sincerely follow up and let her down gently instead of taking the chicken's way out by doing the slow-fade.

The fact that he's 48 and not had much success with LTR's would be sufficient reason not to take his 'rejection' too personally if I were the OP. If he had more interest in a LTR with anyone he'd find a way to fix any phobias on his part.. and learn better communication skills.

He doesn't sound terribly motivated to do that though. So it is best for the OP that she didn't invest much more time with him.

July 13, 2012

@The Tallest One,

Thank you for your responses. Dating is indeed tough. I look forward to the day when I'm done with it.

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your ex. I can imagine that you are hurting a lot. I've been there too many times, which is why now, I won't stick around with anyone who isn't just crazy about me. (I had a 10-year on-and-off relationships with someone who couldn't make up his mind about whether I was the gal for him--big mistake!). I don't want to have to convince anyone to be with me, prove my worth to anyone, sell myself to anyone, etc. The right man will see what I have to offer and will treasure it. You sound like a good man. You deserve a good woman who will appreciate you and not play with your heart. If your ex were so uncertain about being with you, then she should have had the decency to let you go much sooner so that you would be free to find someone who genuinely wants to be with you.

I wish great things for you. Please don't change who you are because of your ex-girlfriend's behavior. I think it's great that sex is special to you. I wish more people felt that way.

July 13, 2012

@Leigh 87,

Come on, a really nice guy would at least let you know that he wanted to cool things off.
The nicer people who care about others, tend to have the time in their lives to REALISe that girls who get with them and have oral with them, have therefore invested some time and emotions. And will therefore appreciate you informing them that you no longer want to see them, and that thigns are not working for you, to want to go further.

I agree.

July 13, 2012

I agree with you... and if he were a thoughtful person, he would have found the courage to sincerely follow up and let her down gently instead of taking the chicken's way out by doing the slow-fade.

The fact that he's 48 and not had much success with LTR's would be sufficient reason not to take his 'rejection' too personally if I were the OP. If he had more interest in a LTR with anyone he'd find a way to fix any phobias on his part.. and learn better communication skills.

He doesn't sound terribly motivated to do that though. So it is best for the OP that she didn't invest much more time with him.

Agreed. I wonder if he just thought of the 4th date as being "a nice evening where mutual oral sex was involved" and decided, ok, time to move on?

It's hard for me to understand that mentality, but then again, to me a relationship with a man is more than sex, though sex is wonderful!!!

It is so true that he should have told her. People who just want casual hookups really should tell the people who they are interested in casually hooking up with, cause it's possible that the person does not want to be a mere casual hookup. People have the right to know, so they can make decisions accordingly.

July 13, 2012

@utterer,

I get that he's not interested...at least not in anything serious. That was made clear to me by the slow-fade. At 38, I'm familiar with the game. I'm done with him. That doesn't mean I'm not sad though. I liked him, I was hopeful, I thought he liked me to. I'm just feeling sad about this. Whether I should or shouldn't doesn't matter. I know that my sadness will lift in time.

@Shaud-Dro,

I'm 38.

Also, he slowed communication after we were intimate, and not because of my "one word type responses." He received that treatment from me after pulling the slow fade. Prior to that I was extremely responsive to him and always very enthusiastic in my communications. I didn't feel a need to respond to generic, after-midnight, short texts, in an enthusiastic manner. Doing so would indicate that I am okay with that treatment, when I'm not. He could have picked up the phone or emailed me to ask me about my trip. He could have arranged another date. Were

I refuse to call a man to ask him why he's pulling away from me. Past experience has shown me that that is NEVER a wise move. Men pull away because they're no longer interested. Calling him up, would simply push him away further.

July 13, 2012

@RedRobin,

Yes, I should have inquired more about his dating history. He has plenty of friends and is very social. I don't know how close these friendships are, but he has them. He has great social skills.

July 13, 2012

@utterer,
I get that he's not interested...at least not in anything serious. That was made clear to me by the slow-fade. At 38, I'm familiar with the game. I'm done with him. That doesn't mean I'm not sad though. I liked him, I was hopeful, I thought he liked me to. I'm just feeling sad about this. Whether I should or shouldn't doesn't matter. I know that my sadness will lift in time.

Well, that is totally understandable. And just to clarify what I was saying - I understand why you'd feel sad and even hurt. I just wanted to point out that it's very easy to think too deeply about why someone pulls away after only a few dates (and, as others have, to caution you against listening to the "clearly you smelled bad BS"). I know you had hopes for his potential, and that you were hoping he'd be a certain kind of person, and you'd have a certain kind of storyline together. But you learned pretty early in that he just wasn't going to be that guy. That is a bummer, but it's also valuable information.

July 13, 2012

BetheButterfly,

She obviously feels that this man no longer cares for her.
Since her feelings are involved and they got hurt, then it cannot be simply chalked up as a "nice evening where mutual oral sex occurred." if that was all she wanted, she would not have written this thread.

Obviously, she wants more: to love and to be loved by a wonderful man.

She is hurt that this didn't happen with this guy, and I understand that. It would have hurt me too. Some people want more than just a temporary sexual connection. Some people want a deeper connection, one that lasts more than just 4 dates... one that ideally lasts a lifetime.

You seem to understand me very well. Yes, I want to love and be loved by a wonderful man. I want much more than just sex. I'm glad that both you and you're sister have found wonderful men. That gives me hope.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Edited July 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

July 13, 2012

I also wanted to say...it's tempting to psychoanalyze him as a commitmentphobe, and probably that isn't much of a stretch. For example, a guy who, at his age, considers two-year relationships to be long-term hasn't really ever made it much past the honeymoon stage. That's probably by his choice, and it's reasonable to wonder whether he ever would.

But who knows what's actually going on with him, really -- and the more important question is, would you really have wanted that job? Getting the hyperelusive guy to finally decide you're the One really isn't all it's cracked up to be, and it's probably not a one-step, lightning-bolt, never-look-back kind of effort. Much better to find someone who isn't a Project.

July 13, 2012

Thank you, serial muse. Yes, I suspect that even if we ended up having a relationship, that down the road I would have had to deal with potential commitment issues. I'm not convinced that he really wants to settle down.

July 13, 2012

It could be anything. Do a google search and see if he is married. Perhaps he is like Bill Clinton in that he doesn't think it's cheating if it's only oral sex.

July 13, 2012

BetheButterfly,

You seem to understand me very well. Yes, I want to love and be loved by a wonderful man. I want much more than just sex. I'm glad that both you and you're sister have found wonderful men. That gives me hope.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Thanks Yeah I understand. I am 35 and I experienced pain through having different expectations than guys I was interested in (I wanted a loving/committed relationship, not understanding they didn't have the same desire) before meeting my hubby.

Don't give up hope!!!! There are still wonderful men out there who want to love and be loved by 1 woman, and are not interested in mere sexual hookups.

July 13, 2012

I spent some more time thinking about my intimate moments with him. There are a few things that don't sit quite right with me, but perhaps they're no big deal. I'm not sure. I have a tendency to over-analyze (as you can see).

As I've stated, I'm 38. I've had my share of relationships/lovers, so I'm not inexperienced when it comes to sex. Keep that in mind as you read what follows.

So, I made out with him on our second date (just kissing). While we were kissing, at one point he placed his had on my neck in a choking position and squeezed a bit. That struck me as a bit odd, and I immediately pulled it away. That was just an instinctual reaction. During our third and fourth dates, he did it about five more times. Each time, I grabbed his hand and moved it away from my neck or loosened his hold. He didn't squeeze super hard or anything, but hard enough that it made me uncomfortable. Heck, just having someone place his hand on my neck in a chocking position, makes me uncomfortable. I have never had some do this before.

It crossed my mind that maybe he was testing out whether I was into S&M. I'm not. I'm okay with very light biting, hair pulling, spanking etc., but nothing that is going to cause pain. Sorry, I'm not trying to be graphic.

On our fourth date, he also pulled my hair and spanked me. I'm fine with that stuff, but the spanking was a bit rough. It actually stung. I thought it was a bit soon to be taking things there. I don't know.

July 13, 2012

BetheButterfly,

Where did you meet your great husband? How old where you at that time? Did you know from the beginning that he was the real deal, rather than someone looking for just sex? If so, how did you know?

I really am glad you found a great guy! You seem like a quality gal!

July 13, 2012

BetheButterfly,

Where did you meet your great husband? How old where you at that time? Did you know from the beginning that he was the real deal, rather than someone looking for just sex? If so, how did you know?

I really am glad you found a great guy! You seem like a quality gal!

I met him on plentyoffish lol in Feb and went to visit him in the end of April. I was 33. I didn't know from the beginning, but I did know that I was extremely attracted to him! The following are what helped me know that he has the same desires as I do for a loving/committed relationship.

1. He was willing to invest time talking on the phone with me EVERYDAY for about 3 hours, getting to know me, without even having seen me in real life. We both hate talking on the phone, but we were both so desirous of getting to know each other that we talked about EVERYTHING.

2. I told him what I wanted in a relationship and he told me what he wanted, and our desires coincide!!!

3. We both agreed that our parents' (his Mom died of Cancer but his Dad met me) approval is important to us. His Dad approved of me, and my parents adore him!!! (Family is extremely important to me.)

4. He is a good communicator, much moreso than I am. We both understood that one cannot get to know a person 100% through just dating... we are still getting to know each other as a married couple! What really helps is that we are learning to appreciate and love our differences, and talk about things. Healthy communication is so important in marriage. I am glad that he is awesome at communicating!!! - as well as other things!

Thanks! You seem like a quality lady too, and please notice Art Critic's signature. It's a really great quote!

I think people can meet people with similar desires in life online and in real life, and sometimes it takes patience. My sister met her fiance at a blood drive... he works with blood donating. She wasn't even thinking about getting married someday at that point or even being in a relationship, because she had gotten hurt by another guy who didn't want a committed relationship. However, she and her now fiance became great friends and then inseparable lovebirds lol. The glue does seem to be having shared goals for the relationship and good communication. I am so happy for her!!!

July 13, 2012

@RedRobin,
Yes, I should have inquired more about his dating history. He has plenty of friends and is very social. I don't know how close these friendships are, but he has them. He has great social skills.

I'm really sorry this didn't work out for you. Hope you don't feel I was wagging my finger at you. Not at all.

I'm a big fan of observing people in a variety of settings before I go forward with them... or even go on a date (if I meet them IRL). It hasn't always worked out, but there are alot fewer surprises overall.

Good luck! You sound like you have a level head. I'm sure you'll be just fine.

July 13, 2012

Beware of a man that is too smooth and charming.

They could be sociopaths; just sayin.

A man who is not smooth and charming can be a sociopath too. Just saying.

July 13, 2012

My guess is that he's dating others. That's fine, but I wish he'd been straight up rather than pull the ol' slow-fade.

Any thoughts on the hand on the throat/choking thing? Is that normal?

July 13, 2012

My guess is that he's dating others. That's fine, but I wish he'd been straight up rather than pull the ol' slow-fade.

Any thoughts on the hand on the throat/choking thing? Is that normal?

He probably was testing the waters on the S&M thing. There are people who are into asphyxiation and choking during sex. Google it.

July 13, 2012

If that's the case, it could explain why he backed off. I'll never really know. And eventually, I won't care. I can't wait to get to the point where I know longer even think about him.

Sign In

Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

Recommended Posts

RedRobin

Eternal Sunshine

serial muse

BetheButterfly

BetheButterfly

RedRobin

Camarina

Camarina

BetheButterfly

Camarina

Camarina

serial muse

Camarina

serial muse

Camarina

FitChick

BetheButterfly

Camarina

Camarina

BetheButterfly

RedRobin

Feelsgoodman

Camarina

RedRobin

Camarina

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...