Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

July 13, 2012

@Art_Critic,

I've been to his house. He's not married or living with a woman. I'm pretty darn sure of this. He's likely just a player who's enjoying variety or a man with serious emotional issues. Neither is good.

I suspect he's also dating someone else that he has taken more of a fancy to, or else if he has issues with intimacy & getting involved in a relationship (which might account for why never married) when he starts to get close to someone or maybe you indavertantly said something that night that put him off. I know guys who are total OLD players, and if they had not gone to the next step (full on sex sleepover) it would have been mission failure. You are younger then him, said you are attractive & take care of your figure, well then the players I know would stick around for a bit before exiting the relationship when the woman wants higher level of commitment/involvement in their life.

4 dates is not too soon imo. How long has it been since this guy dropped off in his communication with you? I might have missed it, but have you contacted him to catch up or is he ignoring your calls?

Edited July 13, 2012 by ascendotum

July 13, 2012

It seems like I got played. Uncool and hurtful.

I dont think you got played at all.

He just dates and enjoys life. He never promised you anything, nor lied imo.

So I dont see how you got played by him. Hes opbviously physically attracted to you, but you arent the girl for him. Theres more to being the right woman for a man...esp a man whos held out as long as he has

If anything you played yourself with assumptions and expectations in all honesty.

sex on the 4th date?

Isn't that a bit soon? I don't know maybe its just me.

I dont think it was soon at all. Then again its all individual.

Edited July 13, 2012 by kaylan

July 13, 2012

Maybe he wasn't happy with the blowjob you gave him? I've stopped dating women if they were unable to give good blowjobs. But only with women I wasn't really interested in in the first place - girls I really like can 'learn on the job' even if it takes a few months

July 13, 2012

Ninja,

Thank you so much for your perspective. It makes sense and seems to fit the situation. I know that there are people like that. I should have paid more attention to the fact that he was 48, never married, and never engaged. Had I done that, I might have slowed things down physically and avoided some of the emotional pain that comes from feeling used.

From where did you gain all of this insight into these types of men?

I really appreciate the time you took to write your reply. Also, I love your straightforwardness.

You must have had this sort of insight on men like him, we all know men like the 48 year-old terminal bachelor. The trick is not to forget that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

You must apply what you have learned about people in your adult life rather than take them at face value.

Unfortunately the Art Critic is right, some men here will try to push your buttons just to make you feel bad, you have to ignore them, they have issues.

Good luck, hopefully you will pick someone more deserving next time

July 13, 2012

If he's 48 and he's not married he's not capable of commitment. He's cold. He doesn't understand what relationships are all about.

In the past I thought this as well. Or that a guy is secretly homosexual.

With the way our society has developed now, I'm not so sure.

An age, and nothing more, has made people conclude that a person is "not capable of commitment, cold, and doesn't understand what relationships are all about...."

Meanwhile, I see lots of 40+ women that are unmarried and not given these same labels. We're all "equal" now, right? So any woman that is around this age and not married is "not capable of commitment, cold, and doesn't understand what relationships are all about..." right?

This is true for all humans, right?

Nonsense. A generalization shouldn't be placed on individuals when no-one really knows if it is warranted.

July 13, 2012

Meanwhile, I see lots of 40+ women that are unmarried and not given these same labels. We're all "equal" now, right? So any woman that is around this age and not married is "not capable of commitment, cold, and doesn't understand what relationships are all about..." right?

This is true for all humans, right?

Nonsense. A generalization shouldn't be placed on individuals when no-one really knows if it is warranted.

Not true. Never married women in their 40s are discussed here on LS as well very much on similar terms. I think if someone is an outlier then they will get labelled. Moreover, everyone gets put into little pigeon holes, it's just life

July 13, 2012

I've read the whole thread. Here's what I feel happened.

1) He's never had a relationship longer than a couple years.

2) He has no kids and never married.

3) He moves fast. Initiated oral after 4 dates.

4) After "getting some" he backs off and disappears.

He's a player and a commitment-phobe. Looks like he can't do anything long- term or permanent. It's only been 4 dates so no biggie. Better you find out now in the VERY beginning. You had fun, he's not into anything long-term, hit the "next" button.

Good luck.

July 13, 2012

IMO, it is common courtesy to follow up with some kind of communication if it turns out they aren't interested... especially after physical intimacy.

It will drive you nuts trying to understand the motivations of others... however, what is not lost to me is that this man is at the very least, inconsiderate if he can't follow up.

Another poster asked how long has it been since you talked to him? It is possible that he is insecure about HIS 'performance' and your satisfaction and was hoping for you to call or follow up? Before you assume he's not into you, I'd at least try a friendly text.

Regarding how long to wait... it would take alot longer than 4 dates to get to know this person well enough to assess someone's character.

Also, to avoid confusion in the future, it might be wise to only become physically intimate with men who express a desire and willingness to be exclusive before sex. Or at least have the discussion. Mismatches in expectations are the perpetual frustration of any dater.

July 13, 2012

You a clever, attractive, and great girl, so while you should not worry or CARE about these worst case scenario's, there is chance they could have occured ( although it is UNLIKELY and you would not want a loser with that mindset anyway!)

- he is fussy with the female genitalia ( my boyfriend was the same), and he has an ideal type he prefers.

- your vagina ( or vulva rather) was not the type he gets really into, because he is immature and fussy and finicky.

- he did not like you enough to get past your vagina.

In any case, why on earth would you WANT a man in his late 40's, who was hung up and ultra fussy about vaginas?:! MOST MEN love them all, in all their shapes and sizes............ Only men with issues are averse to certain vaginas, enough to break things off over them.

You deserve better than a loser who would ditch a girl because her vagina measured up.

It could be true, but it is not likely that yours was THAT offensive; you have had a lot of men who did not complain, and complimented it. Your attractive and keep clean, so IF ANYTHING, it would be a matter of him prefering " innies" to " outies".

In any case, he is a jerk, a loser, and lacks common courtesy. Come on, a really nice guy would at least let you know that he wanted to cool things off.

The nicer people who care about others, tend to have the time in their lives to REALISe that girls who get with them and have oral with them, have therefore invested some time and emotions. And will therefore appreciate you informing them that you no longer want to see them, and that thigns are not working for you, to want to go further.

July 13, 2012

Not true. Never married women in their 40s are discussed here on LS as well very much on similar terms. I think if someone is an outlier then they will get labelled. Moreover, everyone gets put into little pigeon holes, it's just life

All true.

However, the "outlier" numbers are ever increasing too the point where the old conclusions about why they haven't done this or that are no longer true or relevant.

I'm sticking with my post #8.

July 13, 2012

@bob,

That's very possible. It's so crazy that on the surface, some folks can seem to have it together so well, but yet struggle emotionally. I don't know whether that's the case with him. It's possible that he simply enjoys dating a variety of women without having to commit to any of them.

I can't imagine going through life having one fling after another. That just seems so shallow. I guess it works for some though.

I want a deep, meaningful relationship in which I can love and be loved. Isn't that what life's about?

Also I forgot. If you've started you're own business and now have 25 employees or whatever the number was then you're probably a workaholic. It's very hard to be that successful and not be a workaholic.

July 13, 2012

Again, I'm certain this is not about my performance, taste, hygiene, etc.

He didn't completely disappear. What he did is drop from daily email communication about my day and things going on in my life and planning dates and shifted to sending me a text message here and there AFTER midnight, which is not when we would normally communicate. One text message asked me how a short trip I took was. I responded but then heard nothing back. 24 hours later he asked if I made it home safely. I responded, "Yes." I had already been home for an entire day at this time and he knew that. Finally, I got an email asking how my week was going and had I recovered from my trip. I stated that my week was going fine and that I recovered from my trip. These generic and ill-timed communications (e.g. scraps) are not what went on prior to intimacy. He pulled back quite a bit. Within a week after oral sex, we hadn't talked on the phone once or had any quality communication. Prior to intimacy, I heard from him daily (or at least every other day) and he planned dates in advance. I'm sure he would have kept me on the line if I wanted to be on it, but this is not how I want to be treated.

I believe that a man who is genuinely interested in getting to know me, other than just sexually, will make that very clear to me and let me know that I matter to him.

July 13, 2012

Camarina, this guy is not worth another second of your mental energy! Oral or no oral, that wasn't a factor at all. The guy does have issues and you have dodged a bullet here! Dating can be tough and sometimes we meet very odd individuals who leave us shaking our head. The right man is out there looking for you!

July 13, 2012

Also I forgot. If you've started you're own business and now have 25 employees or whatever the number was then you're probably a workaholic. It's very hard to be that successful and not be a workaholic.

You say this as if being a workaholic is something bad.

July 13, 2012

I believe that a man who is genuinely interested in getting to know me, other than just sexually, will make that very clear to me and let me know that I matter to him.

Indeed. So why do you still think about this? He is not interested anymore.

July 13, 2012

Gentlemen,

I'm feeling pretty down, and I'm hoping you can help me get some perspective on my situation. I met a man on an online dating site. He seemed like a great catch and we really seemed to hit it off. He's 48, attractive (handsome and fit), successful (founded his own company and has 25 employees), very intelligent, etc. The only possible red flag was that at 48 he'd never been married or engaged. He states that he never found someone that he could make that kind of commitment to. He also states that marriage is a big deal and that getting married is saying that he'll never ever be with another woman. He claims that he does want to be married.

Okay, so we had four fantastic dates. On date #4 we had oral sex which he initiated. After that, his interest level seemed to take a dive in that his contact was minimal and included the occasional generic text message (after midnight) or email. Chemistry was excellent, so that's not the problem. What's the deal here? Should I have held off longer? This situation really hurt my feelings. If he weren't interested, I wish he would have just stated that directly rather than begin the game of minimal contact.

Hello Camarina,

I know this is addressed to Gentleman, but I hope it's ok if I make a note of something I personally have observed about many men today. Many men today are not into committed relationships. Even if they say they are interested in getting married "someday," many men today tend to want to play around and use than leave and find another to use then leave... it's like a collection of sorts, which puzzles me.

Now, there are some men who are very much interested in an emotional/spiritual/lasting connection with a woman, but many seem to regard women as mere sexual objects. Since that is the case more and more, I think it's good to not be upset at those who are like that, but rather concentrate in finding a man who truly can/wants to love and be loved... not just sexually, but in every way!

There are some out there. My husband is one and my sister just got engaged! to another wonderful man who doesn't regard women as sexual collections. Remember, it's by their actions, not their words that you can tell about people. I hope you find a wonderful man who will love you and who will enjoy being loved by you. As for this guy, I would suggest to consider yourself blessed that he didn't string you along for a long time.

July 13, 2012

Caramina, I agree with Bethebutterfly, you are very lucky that he didn't string you along. My ex gf just dumped me after almost fifteen months and the whole time we saw each other she was confused as to whether she wanted to be with me or not. This caused a very painful and exhausting roller coaster relationship. I was deeply in love with this women who continued time and time again to break my heart, only to later resume things with me. We had amazing sex more times than I can count and I'm one of those guy's that doesn't take sex lightly, it means something special to me.

Now I'm left hurt, alone, confused, and empty. I treated this women like gold, and she ended things via email, didn't have the respect for me to say it in person or over the phone. Trust me, you don't want this to happen to you!

July 13, 2012

Gentlemen,

I'm feeling pretty down, and I'm hoping you can help me get some perspective on my situation. I met a man on an online dating site. He seemed like a great catch and we really seemed to hit it off. He's 48, attractive (handsome and fit), successful (founded his own company and has 25 employees), very intelligent, etc. The only possible red flag was that at 48 he'd never been married or engaged. He states that he never found someone that he could make that kind of commitment to. He also states that marriage is a big deal and that getting married is saying that he'll never ever be with another woman. He claims that he does want to be married.

Okay, so we had four fantastic dates. On date #4 we had oral sex which he initiated. After that, his interest level seemed to take a dive in that his contact was minimal and included the occasional generic text message (after midnight) or email. Chemistry was excellent, so that's not the problem. What's the deal here? Should I have held off longer? This situation really hurt my feelings. If he weren't interested, I wish he would have just stated that directly rather than begin the game of minimal contact.

Holding off on intimacy would not have mattered, I'm pretty sure. For the record, how old are you? Believe it or not, that makes a difference here.

July 13, 2012

Holding off on intimacy would not have mattered, I'm pretty sure. For the record, how old are you? Believe it or not, that makes a difference here.

No, her age doesn't make a difference. It only makes a difference to you... Mr. 33 yr old who prefers to plug 18-19 yr olds for fun.

OP, don't get sucked into any more women bashing stuff from the guys here.

They'll make up all kinds of reasons why the guy didn't have to conduct himself with any shred of decency...

Your age, vagina, blow job skills...blah blah blah.

There is no excuse for being a jerk. But these guys are full of them. Excuses that is.

July 13, 2012

Again, I'm certain this is not about my performance, taste, hygiene, etc.

He didn't completely disappear. What he did is drop from daily email communication about my day and things going on in my life and planning dates and shifted to sending me a text message here and there AFTER midnight, which is not when we would normally communicate. One text message asked me how a short trip I took was. I responded but then heard nothing back. 24 hours later he asked if I made it home safely. I responded, "Yes." I had already been home for an entire day at this time and he knew that. Finally, I got an email asking how my week was going and had I recovered from my trip. I stated that my week was going fine and that I recovered from my trip. These generic and ill-timed communications (e.g. scraps) are not what went on prior to intimacy. He pulled back quite a bit. Within a week after oral sex, we hadn't talked on the phone once or had any quality communication. Prior to intimacy, I heard from him daily (or at least every other day) and he planned dates in advance. I'm sure he would have kept me on the line if I wanted to be on it, but this is not how I want to be treated.

I believe that a man who is genuinely interested in getting to know me, other than just sexually, will make that very clear to me and let me know that I matter to him.

After reading this, I realize now why he slowed communication. The simple answer is you! He feels like he's chasing you and he shouldn't have to. I see that everytime he asks you something, you're giving him the one word type responses. Then you sit around and wait for him. That doesn't turn men on.

Why don't you stop being lazy and pick up the phone and give him a call. I think if you start initiating some texts and telephone calls and ask this guy how he's doing, maybe he'll lighten up and things can move forward. Wow, it never ceases to amaze me how women never seem to get a clue.

July 13, 2012

No, her age doesn't make a difference. It only makes a difference to you... Mr. 33 yr old who prefers to plug 18-19 yr olds for fun.

What in the world is wrong with that?? Admittedly, if a 33 year old woman was banging 18-19 year old dudes, that would be pretty weird. But it's perfectly normal for a man to go for younger ladies.

July 13, 2012

Gentlemen,

I'm feeling pretty down, and I'm hoping you can help me get some perspective on my situation. I met a man on an online dating site. He seemed like a great catch and we really seemed to hit it off. He's 48, attractive (handsome and fit), successful (founded his own company and has 25 employees), very intelligent, etc. The only possible red flag was that at 48 he'd never been married or engaged. He states that he never found someone that he could make that kind of commitment to. He also states that marriage is a big deal and that getting married is saying that he'll never ever be with another woman. He claims that he does want to be married.

Okay, so we had four fantastic dates. On date #4 we had oral sex which he initiated. After that, his interest level seemed to take a dive in that his contact was minimal and included the occasional generic text message (after midnight) or email. Chemistry was excellent, so that's not the problem. What's the deal here? Should I have held off longer? This situation really hurt my feelings. If he weren't interested, I wish he would have just stated that directly rather than begin the game of minimal contact.

Reason 1: You smelled really bad down there.

Reason 2: He got what he wanted, now onto the next woman.

July 13, 2012

No, her age doesn't make a difference. It only makes a difference to you... Mr. 33 yr old who prefers to plug 18-19 yr olds for fun.

OP, don't get sucked into any more women bashing stuff from the guys here.

They'll make up all kinds of reasons why the guy didn't have to conduct himself with any shred of decency...

Your age, vagina, blow job skills...blah blah blah.

There is no excuse for being a jerk. But these guys are full of them. Excuses that is.

Oh please. Her age does matter to us whether or not we'd even consider wanting to get serious. You can live in self-denial all you want. I couldn't care less. Now move on to someone else, and stop looking for chances to take shots at me.

July 13, 2012

What in the world is wrong with that?? Admittedly, if a 33 year old woman was banging 18-19 year old dudes, that would be pretty weird. But it's perfectly normal for a man to go for younger ladies.

I'm heading off suggestions by certain posters who want to make this man's (arguably) questionable behavior about her. I don't think she did anything wrong... if she's confused though, it is probably just because she didn't get to know him well enough before becoming intimate. It happens.

But this does bring up a point I'd make to the OP...

before you become physically intimate with a man, do try some digging on the characteristics of the women he dated before... and how things ended.

Also, a man with few or no friends or family (I've learned) can be quite unpredictable.

Unless they have the absolute worst social skills, they should have a network of friends/family they care about and vice versa. One doesn't develop a network of friends or keep close family ties by being an unreliable flake. Something to look for.

July 13, 2012

You a clever, attractive, and great girl, so while you should not worry or CARE about these worst case scenario's, there is chance they could have occured ( although it is UNLIKELY and you would not want a loser with that mindset anyway!)

- he is fussy with the female genitalia ( my boyfriend was the same), and he has an ideal type he prefers.

- your vagina ( or vulva rather) was not the type he gets really into, because he is immature and fussy and finicky.

- he did not like you enough to get past your vagina.

This is a ridiculous post and you know it! I just shake my head at just how self-conscious you are about your own private parts. I take it that a lot of women probably feel this way. Oh well....

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Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

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