Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

[monkey00]

@monkey,

He could at least have the courtesy to let me know that he's no longer interested rather than simply back way off. Sure, I would be disappointed, but I would have much more respect for him and would appreciate his honesty.

 

@SJC2008,

I take full responsibility for my actions. I didn't think four dates was too soon, but apparently it was since I'm feeling hurt by this situation. I think that it would be wise to wait a bit longer in order to weed out the ones that are only after sex. Also, yes, I also "serviced" him. I'm not a selfish lover.

 

Well, yea that was a d*ck move on his part. Some people are rude like that. At least the girl I was seeing was upfront about it when it ended. And I respect her for that.

 

I don't think oral was out of the question or anything given the number of dates. Not like you guys had intercourse, maybe that might've been too soon. To each their own but if it was the right guy, it doesn't matter what you do and you guys would've still been on the same page. I don't think you should blame yourself for what happened. The guy probably just has major baggage that he hasn't told you about.

[kaylan]

When will women learn. If a guy likes you, then he likes you.

 

Having sex on the first or fourth date wont change that.

 

If he thought you were a good girl or a slut before hand, 1st or 4th date doesnt change a thing.

 

Im thinking he wasnt that into you to begin with and gave it a shot anyways but realized it wasnt there for him.

[SJC2008]

 

@SJC2008,

I take full responsibility for my actions. I didn't think four dates was too soon, but apparently it was since I'm feeling hurt by this situation. I think that it would be wise to wait a bit longer in order to weed out the ones that are only after sex. Also, yes, I also "serviced" him. I'm not a selfish lover.

 

When it comes to OLD you gotta be careful for these men because they know what they are doing. They date a woman who is a notch or two below thier "league" and pump and dump. I'm not saying this is what happened to you but it is possible. What I would do is compare the looks of the men you meet online to ones you have met and dated and had r's with IRL and if the online guy is moderately good looking or more then keep your head on a swivel. Don't take this the wrong way just a mans point of view.

[Camarina]

@Mme. Chaucer,

 

He told me that he could have been married and divorced three times by now. He mentioned that he had some long-term relationships. He defined long term as two years.

 

He seems very happy and fulfilled with his life just the way it is. He has a wide social circle, plenty of hobbies, etc. I don't think he's suffering in any way, but who knows what goes on in his mind.

 

@Carhill, Yes, he could get oral sex much more quickly with a different woman. I don't know what changed. I doubt he will call. I replied to his sparse generic texts (that he sent after midnight) with very short responses and then I closed him out on the online dating site (not that we were communicating through the site anymore). He probably got the message that I was not interested in scraps (e.g., generic texts sent after midnight). I refuse to accept scraps. I'm a good woman.

 

@Art_Critic, I'm sure he's not married. I suspect that he's dating others, especially since he's on an online dating site. He appears to be a great catch, so I can't imagine that he'd have a tough time finding women for short-term fun. He didn't try to take things further, but I suspect this is because he knew that I wasn't okay with things going further, nor would I have been without an exclusive relationship. I didn't directly say that, but I suspect that he knew that.

[kaylan]

PS - Hes a 48 year old bachelor whos never been engaged, married, nor has any kids. Seems like hes enjoying the single life and likes being accountable for just himself. Did you think you were going to change that at his age? Hes not a kids in his 20s, and hes not a man in his 30s whos finally ready to settle down. Hes almost 50 and hasnt been close to settle down yet....you had to know where his mind was at OP.

[Pyro]

PS - Hes a 48 year old bachelor whos never been engaged, married, nor has any kids. Seems like hes enjoying the single life and likes being accountable for just himself. Did you think you were going to change that at his age? Hes not a kids in his 20s, and hes not a man in his 30s whos finally ready to settle down. Hes almost 50 and hasnt been close to settle down yet....you had to know where his mind was at OP.

 

This right here.

 

Apparently the BJ was enough for him to consider his time with you to be finished.

 

Forget about him and move on.

[Camarina]

@Pyro and kaylan,

 

I naively thought there was a chance that he would eventually commit to someone. He said that he wanted to find the right woman and get married. We talked about this a bit. Live and learn.

 

@SJC2008,

I wouldn't consider myself below his league in terms of looks. I'm an attractive lady who takes great care of herself. I'm fit, healthy, very feminine, and take great pride in my appearance. I've dated many men who were more conventionally attractive than he is. I've also date some who were less attractive. Looks only pull so much weight for me. Character, personality, and intelligence are far more important.

 

@feelsgood,

I practice excellent hygiene and grooming. There are no issues there.

[Camarina]

It seems like I got played. Uncool and hurtful.

[Pyro]

Next time don't rush into the physical stuff so quickly. The more patience he has then the more legit he is to be long-term material.

[Art_Critic]

@Art_Critic, I'm sure he's not married. I suspect that he's dating others, especially since he's on an online dating site. He appears to be a great catch, so I can't imagine that he'd have a tough time finding women for short-term fun. He didn't try to take things further, but I suspect this is because he knew that I wasn't okay with things going further, nor would I have been without an exclusive relationship. I didn't directly say that, but I suspect that he knew that.

 

The reason I asked is that there are plenty of married men who use OLD and you would never know.

I kinda felt like he never took it to sex as a sign that the relationship wasn't worth risking getting caught.

 

I have first hand experience in watching married men play the single role like a pro..

Back in my single days...I used OLD on match and has a fake account that I was a girl.. single..

I used the profile to go check out guys so I could check out the competition.

One thing I used to get was tons of mail from married men or single men that were obviously married (this was before match made you pay to read, they used to just make you pay to send mail).

 

I even got mail from this one guy who talked up hi lifestle.. lake house, business. cars etc and I book marked his website link to his personal website he sent me...

 

hahahaha... about 6 months later I hit the link and it was filled with pictures of his family and wife and kids...

The dating site pictures and single life were gone..

He was obviously separated...

 

that was why I asked...

 

He sounds married to me or separated...

[SJC2008]

Do you have/want kids? Looking for marriage? Why date a man 10 years older??

[Camarina]

Excellent advice, Pyro. I'll take it. Lesson learned.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

That's unlikely. I'm in my late 30s, I've had many relationships, and I've never had any complaints. Also, I'm very clean, take great care of myself, in great shape, etc.

 

Let me add that on date #3, he made me a beautiful dinner and was as sweet, attentive, and affectionate as could be. He seemed genuinely interested. On date #4, he said things to indicate that we would continue to see each other. For example, he talked about watching certain movies together.

 

I really have to question your experience level, especially considering the last sentence. What happened to you should have happened a few times in your past. You meet, you date, you have sex, one of you flakes out. It's so casual Also in your age you should know that for most men sex doensn't instantly change things, like kaylan said. He just didn't like you, period.

[Camarina]

@SJC

 

I don't have kids. I'm open to having them, but I'm also okay with not having them. I'm 38, so time is running out there. First, I'd like to build a great relationship with someone that will lead to marriage when the time is right. As far as age goes, I'm okay with someone a few years younger or 10 or so years older. Ideally, I'd like to find someone close to my age, but it's not an absolute requirement.

[Feelsgoodman]

@feelsgood,

I practice excellent hygiene and grooming. There are no issues there.

Yeah but have you tasted yourself? The way one tastes is not necessarily related to hygiene. Consumption of certain foods can make you taste bad. I don't know if this applies to you but a lot Americans eat unhealthy foods such as Taco Bell and KFC. Such an unhealthy diet can affect the constitution of your bodily fluids, including vaginal juices.

[Camarina]

@Things,

 

I don't date much, partly because I get tired of the games that many people play. I've had several long-term relationships, so I haven't been single much of my adult life. I'm not into casual relationships at all. I state this upfront. I'm usually pretty good at spotting the players, but not always. Sometimes I follow my heart and ignore my head. Not good.

 

I didn't expect for oral sex to turn into a relationship. I expected that we would continue to date or if he didn't want to that he would man-up and communicate that in a straightforward manner. I don't like the distancing game. I also don't accept scraps.

 

I had no intention of having intercourse unless we were in an exclusive relationship. It's just not my style.

[Feelsgoodman]

Back in my single days...I used OLD on match and has a fake account that I was a girl.. single..

I used the profile to go check out guys so I could check out the competition.

Riiight. Check out the competition Admit it, you created a fake profile so you could sext with dudes. I always suspected that about you!

[Camarina]

@Feelsgood,

 

I'm a healthy eater. Very healthy. Very clean. Very fit. Etc. Trust me there are no taste issues. I've never had a single complaint and have had plenty of positive feedback.

 

Yes, he probably just didn't like me. If he did, he'd be setting up dates with me, not texting me on occasion after midnight.

[Camarina]

@Art_Critic,

 

I've been to his house. He's not married or living with a woman. I'm pretty darn sure of this. He's likely just a player who's enjoying variety or a man with serious emotional issues. Neither is good.

[Art_Critic]

@Feelsgood,

 

I'm a healthy eater. Very healthy. Very clean. Very fit. Etc. Trust me there are no taste issues. I've never had a single complaint and have had plenty of positive feedback.

 

Don't let someone put your hygiene on the defense.. that is nuts and the posters who say it was you and your scent are just a bunch of button pushers looking to say something bad about women.

[Camarina]

Thank you, Art Critic.

[bobsmith76]

Gentlemen,

 

I'm feeling pretty down, and I'm hoping you can help me get some perspective on my situation. I met a man on an online dating site. He seemed like a great catch and we really seemed to hit it off. He's 48, attractive (handsome and fit), successful (founded his own company and has 25 employees), very intelligent, etc. The only possible red flag was that at 48 he'd never been married or engaged. He states that he never found someone that he could make that kind of commitment to. He also states that marriage is a big deal and that getting married is saying that he'll never ever be with another woman. He claims that he does want to be married.

 

Okay, so we had four fantastic dates. On date #4 we had oral sex which he initiated. After that, his interest level seemed to take a dive in that his contact was minimal and included the occasional generic text message (after midnight) or email. Chemistry was excellent, so that's not the problem. What's the deal here? Should I have held off longer? This situation really hurt my feelings. If he weren't interested, I wish he would have just stated that directly rather than begin the game of minimal contact.

 

If he's 48 and he's not married he's not capable of commitment. He's cold. He doesn't understand what relationships are all about.

[Camarina]

@bob,

 

That's very possible. It's so crazy that on the surface, some folks can seem to have it together so well, but yet struggle emotionally. I don't know whether that's the case with him. It's possible that he simply enjoys dating a variety of women without having to commit to any of them.

 

I can't imagine going through life having one fling after another. That just seems so shallow. I guess it works for some though.

 

I want a deep, meaningful relationship in which I can love and be loved. Isn't that what life's about?

[Necris]

sex on the 4th date?

 

Isn't that a bit soon? I don't know maybe its just me.

[Camarina]

@Necris,

 

It was oral sex, not intercourse. Yes, it was a bit soon in hindsight. We had four long dates (4 to 8 hours). I thought that he was interested in more than just oral sex. Looks like I was wrong.