Men...Why did he backoff after oral on date #4?

[Camarina]

Gentlemen,

 

I'm feeling pretty down, and I'm hoping you can help me get some perspective on my situation. I met a man on an online dating site. He seemed like a great catch and we really seemed to hit it off. He's 48, attractive (handsome and fit), successful (founded his own company and has 25 employees), very intelligent, etc. The only possible red flag was that at 48 he'd never been married or engaged. He states that he never found someone that he could make that kind of commitment to. He also states that marriage is a big deal and that getting married is saying that he'll never ever be with another woman. He claims that he does want to be married.

 

Okay, so we had four fantastic dates. On date #4 we had oral sex which he initiated. After that, his interest level seemed to take a dive in that his contact was minimal and included the occasional generic text message (after midnight) or email. Chemistry was excellent, so that's not the problem. What's the deal here? Should I have held off longer? This situation really hurt my feelings. If he weren't interested, I wish he would have just stated that directly rather than begin the game of minimal contact.

Edited July 13, 2012 by Camarina

[Camarina]

That's unlikely. I'm in my late 30s, I've had many relationships, and I've never had any complaints. Also, I'm very clean, take great care of myself, in great shape, etc.

 

Let me add that on date #3, he made me a beautiful dinner and was as sweet, attentive, and affectionate as could be. He seemed genuinely interested. On date #4, he said things to indicate that we would continue to see each other. For example, he talked about watching certain movies together.

Edited July 13, 2012 by Camarina

[Forever Learning]

It probably WASNT you, I'll bet it was him. I think he obviously has a problem, having never been married or engaged at 48. Everything went well until you had sex. I think he is one of those goofed up in the head guys that once they get sex (even oral) - they flee and move on. Probably phobic of intimacy or commitment. Just my guess here. Forget him, just move on. You don't want this whack job shallow, flakey, commitment-phobe loser. Be happy this didn't happen after 4 months or 4 years with his dumb butt. This is a blessing for you, see it as such! Good luck in your future dating. This guy is a first rate nincompoop, for realz. Cheers!

[Eddie Edirol]

He just wasnt interested enough. Another woman caught his eye online and he decided to go pursue her. Im sure if he's that attractive the women are seeking him out online.

[Camarina]

Forever Learning,

 

Thanks so much for your comforting words. I do wonder whether there may be some issues there. I just don't know.

[Forever Learning]

Don't even wonder about the issues, it's obvious to me. He is acting rudely, that is really all you need to know here! He broke trust by acting this way after sex. To heck with that nonsense! Kick him to the curb and don't respond to his future texts (there will be some texts from him down the road if he gets horny again). And yes, he may be chasing another chick at the moment. None of it excuses this rude behavior. Move on, you can do it. It really IS a blessing, him showing his true colors so early in the game here. Cheers!!

[StrangeBehaviors]

Forever Learning,

 

Thanks so much for your comforting words. I do wonder whether there may be some issues there. I just don't know.

 

People sometimes want to turn it into the other person's "issues" when the person that is hurt needs understanding because things don't move forward or go as they wish.

 

Truth is there may be no issues with him.

 

And there is nothing wrong with you at all either.

 

Don't let it mess with your head too much.

[Camarina]

Eddie,

 

Perhaps you're right. Perhaps someone hotter appeared so he went for it. I guess that's what some men do. There's always someone more attractive, I suppose. I need to learn to steer clear of such men. I'm a great gal who deserves better. I'm ready and available for a real relationship. I want a quality relationship with a quality man, not a man who is always on the lookout for the next best thing.

 

Dating sucks! I'm so depressed.

[Camarina]

Strange,

 

I just really don't know what happened. He may be a great catch who just isn't interested in me.

[Forever Learning]

He is NOT a great catch for you if he ignores you after sex. To hell with him! Chin up, move on. Keep being cautious and looking for red flags during the dating process. It's the best (and all) you can do. And practice safe sex. God bless and hang in there.

[Ninjainpajamas]

So you're trying to figure out why an attractive man who has his life put together, is intelligent and all that jazz is someone that in his late 40's would be interested in just settling down with the next thing that came along?

 

Men like this have issues, issues with commitment, their own emotional personal issues and demons...the fact that he's had his life together like this means that he makes sacrifices, he cuts away the fat and he doesn't get too involved anymore than he needs to be.

 

The fact that he took you on 4 amazing dates says more about his experience than his chemistry with you, in fact this is probably the norm for him. So while you're getting all hopped up on emotions and love he's just going through the routine of getting laid.

 

After this amount of time he's decided to cool off and put on the brakes and start to pull away...why?, because he doesn't want you getting sucked into him just because he's a great catch...which miraculously other women feel the same way because he's a short dater, he puts up a facade of a perfect man with great potential but keeps who he really is in the dark...and that's the man you wouldn't probably meet until a year or more into the relationship.

 

I know this all seems pretty juvenile and immature to a degree and yes you're right, but some men don't ever grow up or stop chases the poontang...some men place all their value on being single, prideful, building their ego with success and material things...all this emotional one women forever business he leaves to the nice guys, he's not buying the milk because It's free and easy to get.

 

He doesn't want to get married, to you or anyone else...he backed off there and shut you down telling you where you stand...so best for you to move on because unless you're a hot piece of @ss in the bedroom and provide some other exceptional quality, you won't last for long and even IF you did it wouldn't be forever.

 

Don't expect clarity...vague/confusion is this mans bread and butter and he's had years to refine it by age 48.

 

And don't be optimistic of the answer even If you found it, it would only make you feel worse about yourself...curiosity/hope is what he relies on because you do all the work for him.

[SJC2008]

While what he did wasn't cool YOU got sexual with him without being in a relationship so you brought it on yourself. Don't be afraid to lose a man by not having sex with him too soon because the good ones will wait.

[Mme. Chaucer]

He CERTAINLY has issues, at least with commitment. In 48 years, if he's all you say he is, he has probably turned and walked away from a great many women by now. It's probably second nature to him.

 

It's not you. I mean, there could be stuff about you, but really you picked a guy who was pretty much guaranteed to bail when he felt like he had enough, whenever that might have been. But it was bound to happen, I'm confident of that.

 

My friend married a man over 50 who had always been a bachelor and they seem to be very happy, but in general I would suggest that a person who has stayed single for so long is unlikely to change.

[carhill]

OP, can you clarify whether the oral sex was mutual? I'm unclear on that part and it could be a factor.

[monkey00]

Multi-dating happens, it's very probable he met someone else like Eddie said. A similar situation happened to me recently and that was what happened. At this point if he isn't interested, the best you can do is move on and date other people. If he is, he will make an effort with you.

[yongyong]

So you blew him and he came in your mouth or on your face?

 

Did he eat you out as well? (hard for a guy to do that unless he really likes you)

Did you guys kiss?

 

Let's see there is a girl I am not totally attracted too.

I would play a chasing game. Of course after I conquer that Thing, my interest level will plummet (vice versa, nothing wrong with that)

I am not a bj guy. so I would still chase her if I've only gotten a bj from her.

Maybe he could be one of those bj lover.....

[Camarina]

Carhill,

 

He started it.

[SJC2008]

Carhill,

 

He started it.

 

Meaning he serviced you but did you service him?? If not mabye that's why he ghosted but that's still not a good reason.

[Camarina]

Yongyong,

 

He did not come on my face or in my mouth.

 

We kissed for a long time before oral sex happened. He started the oral sex on me. He was not at all selfish. I then did the same for him.

[Camarina]

Forever,

 

Thank you for your posts. I love your attitude! You sound like a very strong, confident woman who knows her worth! I love it!

 

I appreciate your encouragement and support! It has lifted me up a bit, which I really needed.

 

God bless you also!

[Camarina]

@monkey,

He could at least have the courtesy to let me know that he's no longer interested rather than simply back way off. Sure, I would be disappointed, but I would have much more respect for him and would appreciate his honesty.

 

@SJC2008,

I take full responsibility for my actions. I didn't think four dates was too soon, but apparently it was since I'm feeling hurt by this situation. I think that it would be wise to wait a bit longer in order to weed out the ones that are only after sex. Also, yes, I also "serviced" him. I'm not a selfish lover.

[carhill]

Assuming normal sexual function, something about the encounter caused a change in him. It could be relevant to the encounter itself, his feelings about it, or his intrinsic psychology. Typically, a man doesn't go from making an inspired dinner on date 3 to oral sex on date 4 to crickets in a vacuum. Dating is an awful lot of effort for a blow job. With a successful business, he could get that far more easily on the job or from a hooker. Something else is in play here. I wouldn't presume to guess what.

 

If he calls tomorrow, what then? It happens.

[Art_Critic]

did he try to take it further ? and.. are you sure he is single ?.. and I mean really sure..

[Camarina]

Ninja,

 

Thank you so much for your perspective. It makes sense and seems to fit the situation. I know that there are people like that. I should have paid more attention to the fact that he was 48, never married, and never engaged. Had I done that, I might have slowed things down physically and avoided some of the emotional pain that comes from feeling used.

 

From where did you gain all of this insight into these types of men?

 

I really appreciate the time you took to write your reply. Also, I love your straightforwardness.

[Feelsgoodman]

Okay, so we had four fantastic dates. On date #4 we had oral sex which he initiated. After that, his interest level seemed to take a dive in that his contact was minimal and included the occasional generic text message (after midnight) or email. Chemistry was excellent, so that's not the problem. What's the deal here? Should I have held off longer? This situation really hurt my feelings. If he weren't interested, I wish he would have just stated that directly rather than begin the game of minimal contact.

Perhaps the experience [literally] left a bad taste in his mouth? Other possibilities include foul smell, too much hair...And how in the world did you conclude that he lost interest because you gave it up too soon?? If a man wants to use you for sex, he sure as hell is not going to limit himself to giving you oral. Women say the most incredible things sometimes.