girldies Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Hi, everyone I stumbled across this forum in my quest to find information regarding how to survive an LDR. I'm terribly new to this. And I know some of you have been at it for a long time. I salute you. I truly do. I have known my SO for a couple of years almost. By "known" I mean that we have chatted on a popular social network for that long. A few months or so ago, things really kicked into high gear. He asked if I had a crush on him. Indeed I did, but had not acted on it bc he is a terribly long way from me. As soon as I admitted to him that I liked him a lot...he said he had for some time also. So, mutual attraction It all starts there. Within a week, he asked if I would like him to visit me. I said yes. He'll be coming from Sweden to Florida on December 22. I can hardly wait. 163 days So, that's the great news. The not so great news is, there has been a definite "cooling" on his part. Now, I'm freaking out just a bit. I've gone and totally invested in this thing. We were non stop texting, Viber and Skype for a minute. All of a sudden...he's taken a big step back and I feel like I'm left dangling a bit. That is not to say he isn't still loving. He will send a msg that he misses me. I'm just wondering...well, why is that? I know it can be normal for men to need space. I get that. I'm not typically the "clinger". This situation is making me feel that way, though. The distance is a game changer. I don't know how to express to him that I find myself needing him daily. Especially, if it's easier on him to have less contact to get by. I know he was finding it difficult to get through his work day, etc. But, we've gone from talk of how much we're in love...want to be together, planning a future, even talk of engagement and marriage to...weirdness. I just don't know how to deal. I figured...I'll join up here and maybe you guys can help me stay sane and focused on this journey. Haha Maybe spare my strong and reserved Swede some of this drama and turmoil. Thanks for listening. How do you guys cope with this?
january2011 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 By focusing on other things: work, study, friends, family, hobbies, etc. In my experience, some guys do cool slightly when they are "comfortable" in the relationship and less insecure that they need to be contacting you all the time to maintain your interest. There is also the possibility that he has changed his mind and is doing some kind of fade out. However, this is less likely if he is still talking about visiting you and his messages are still good quality and express his strong feelings for you, even if they are less frequent. I think it can be very easy to get insecure in an LDR because communication and regular contact are so important to maintain the bond between the two people involved. You may need more "check-ins" from him, in which case, I suggest that you discuss it with him the next time you guys can have a longer chat. You could tell him that you'd really appreciate it if he could text you more often, just so that you know he's okay. Even, if it's just a short message like, "thinking of you," or "good morning/good night, beautiful," etc. Something that just lets you know that he's still alive over there! 1
Author girldies Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Thank you for your reply. I am trying to keep my mind occupied with various things, but as I am sure you know...it is easier said than done most days! It's not that he isn't checking in either. There is some form of contact each day. It just is not at the level it once was. Since writing the above post, I broke down and wrote an email addressing my fears to him. At the risk of seeming needy, which in all honesty...I guess I am. It's crazy and confusing how having a long distance relationship changes all the rules, really. I decided to swallow my pride and put it out there that I am feeling a loss of connection. If communication is the only thing we have at the moment, might as well. I'm certainly not expecting him to read my mind. And I agree that I don't think he is disinterested. No man is going to spend the amount of money he is to come to the states for 3 weeks on a whim or for some casual fling. There is a seriousness to all of this. I suppose I will have to chalk it up to my feeling insecure, which is somewhat alien. Only in that...I am used to actually spending time with my partners. It's harder to read what is actually going on through text, etc. So, I wait out the time difference and see what he has to say. Not much more to it than that. Thank you, January. I sure do appreciate your time
january2011 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 No worries. I've found that an LDR is much more successful when the two people concerned are open and honest in their communication. As you said, it's all you have. I hope that when he's next in contact, he is able to give you the answers that you seek. 2
justwhoiam Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I agree with january2011 here. He's a guy, that's the problem. He thinks he landed it with you already. That's something I really can't stand either. They don't do it on purpose, they're just careless. If he knew he was risking to lose you that way, he obviously wouldn't act like that. So that didn't even cross his mind. How to go about it is completely up to you. If you make a fuss out of it and he gets bothered, you might lose him. Most guys wouldn't put up with too much crap. I personally wouldn't mind, because to me if he leaves, it'd be just a proof he didn't love you (pure girl logic). You can talk to him and make yourself heard in a kind way, but don't expect it to work right away. Chances are it'll take you time to get adjusted to one another. If you stand the time as a couple, then fine. Or you can say nothing and suffer like hell, but I strongly recommend you avoid that, not to compromise your health.
Author girldies Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 I was completely overthinking the whole thing. He replied to my email overnight and he said, "I hate myself for making a space between us and not talking more". He also called as soon as he knew I was up this morning to assure me that nothing is changed. Just crazy with work due to a recent trip to Bulgaria followed by a flu that had him out for 5 days and he has another week of vacation next week. It's so hard to keep doubt at bay when on this LDR adventure. I was creating a problem that isn't there. This man has expressed to me on so many occasions that he feels I am his soul mate. That he wants to spend his life with me. That he loves me like no other. That he feels a connection of mind and heart that is calling him over thousands of miles...to me. I agreed to be in this relationship with him because I feel the same. I need to just relax and go with the flow. If I learned anything else from this...it's that I just need to trust and have faith in the decision we've made. Telling him how I felt made us that much stronger. I'll be sure not to hold onto anything too long again. I'm not dealing with the kind of man I'm used to. The sort who would run away at the first mention of feeling. Finally having that is wonderful, but takes getting 1
Author girldies Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 used to. Thanks for being here for me.
Ami1uwant Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Hi, everyone I stumbled across this forum in my quest to find information regarding how to survive an LDR. I'm terribly new to this. And I know some of you have been at it for a long time. I salute you. I truly do. I have known my SO for a couple of years almost. By "known" I mean that we have chatted on a popular social network for that long. A few months or so ago, things really kicked into high gear. He asked if I had a crush on him. Indeed I did, but had not acted on it bc he is a terribly long way from me. As soon as I admitted to him that I liked him a lot...he said he had for some time also. So, mutual attraction It all starts there. Within a week, he asked if I would like him to visit me. I said yes. He'll be coming from Sweden to Florida on December 22. I can hardly wait. 163 days So, that's the great news. The not so great news is, there has been a definite "cooling" on his part. Now, I'm freaking out just a bit. I've gone and totally invested in this thing. We were non stop texting, Viber and Skype for a minute. All of a sudden...he's taken a big step back and I feel like I'm left dangling a bit. That is not to say he isn't still loving. He will send a msg that he misses me. I'm just wondering...well, why is that? I know it can be normal for men to need space. I get that. I'm not typically the "clinger". This situation is making me feel that way, though. The distance is a game changer. I don't know how to express to him that I find myself needing him daily. Especially, if it's easier on him to have less contact to get by. I know he was finding it difficult to get through his work day, etc. But, we've gone from talk of how much we're in love...want to be together, planning a future, even talk of engagement and marriage to...weirdness. I just don't know how to deal. I figured...I'll join up here and maybe you guys can help me stay sane and focused on this journey. Haha Maybe spare my strong and reserved Swede some of this drama and turmoil. Thanks for listening. How do you guys cope with this? First off...I dont consider this a relationship if you havent met...sure you may have talked and all and have common intersts...but you two dont know each other face to face. Call me cynical...I know deom experience...you never know anything until you are face to face. He may be looking at you as a good friend at least and maube more. So him buying his ticket may have let him feel he could take a step back and be normal with you.
justwhoiam Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Thanks for being here for me. You're welcome. Meeting up with him will either make the feelings stronger or kill the whole thing. But one thing for sure: the relationship won't start on that day.
Author girldies Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Yeah, probably the second biggest issue aside from the distance is the cynicism and skepticism of nearly everyone. Maintaining these kinds of relationships isnt easy. I think if it can last it's truly meant to be. I can't imagine anyone deliberately choosing to go this route. It just kinda happened for us. We'll ride it out and see where it goes. There are no guarantees with proximal realationships either 1
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