JaneJackson Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 I have a rather complicated story so I will try to condense it into a readable form. I met this guy 2 years ago. He had just broken up with his live-in girlfriend of 5 years. I had my reservations about dating him so close to the break-up but I really liked him and he was on the other side of the country so I didn't think it would get serious. It did. The 2nd week we were dating he told me he love me and wanted to marry me while we were making love. That was my first red flag. We kept dating and I thought we were falling in love. Then on one visit, he just freaked out and said he didnt know if he was ready to be in love again...he needed to get over his past realtrionship..but, he wanted us to keep seeing where this could go. He started being a bit verbally abusive. I was fat. I was a snob. I was this...that. He picked on everything. We started having really bad arguments and breaking up alot. However, we kept on dating. The sex got better...our visits got better...but the fights got even worse. However, we are both kind of addicted to the other even though we are in different cities. He has broken up with me before but he always calls back and takes it back. He is just very frustrated with me and my desire to always talk about where we are going. In the past 6 months, the breakups have gotten more frequent. His behavior...I like to call it amotional terrorism..has gotten worse. I am a basketcase and cant seem to do anything but think about him. A month or so ago he broke up with me and I really lost it. Then he took it back that night in a 3am phone call telling me how much he loved me, how we gfight because we are so similar, etc. etc. He then came to visit me that wednesday and we had fun. We went on a small vacation that week and we had a great time. However, the last day...we just got into it. He was esp. horrible to me and I was esp. freaked out and crying sayiong I didnt want to live, etc. He proceeded to tell me he was taking me to the airport and he didnt want to see me at all anymore. I begged him to stay and not leave me. To spend that last night with me. He did reluctantly. However, as we were walking around in this awkward silence since he did not want to be there. He pulled me close and asked me what the hell had happened to us that day. He then held me and said he wanted to be with me and didnt want to lose me. We made love and it was full of emotion and him grabbing my face and looking into my eyes telling me I had to know how much he loved me and then we would have beautiful children together. I cried and gave in. The next day it was hard to say goodbye. He didnt look so crestfallen but we were getting along. The next couple weeks were odd. He was going to fly me out this past wknd for the 4th so we could see each other and we were planning another trip in a couple of weeks. Then he will tell me he wants to move to be with me and is constantly sending me links to apartments and jobs in my area for him. But, then he doesnt really seem to want to talk to me. He has been dropping things like he needs a new girlfriend that is local and that he would like to see other women because he doesnt know if we are meant to be. I told him I didnt want this and I loved him. He said he appreciated the sentiment. I was crushed. He said he needed some time to think and then went to sleep. I spent the whole night crying. The nest day, he called me twice and i didnt pick up. He was taking in a baby voice and sounded like he missed me. So, I gave in and I called him. He said he forgot what he wanted to tell me and then proceeded to tell me he had to go. I asked him if he was going to see other women since he sounded so sure the night before. He said he didnt know and sounded truly confused. He said he need time to think and then told me he'd talk to me in after this weekend. We talk normally 5 times a day. I basically sunk into myself realizing this was reall ythe end and he wants out. Time apart never leads to anythning but a breakup. He called 3 hours later to my confusion. Why was he calling if he wanted time to think. He asked me a question that had nothing to do with our realtionship and then said that was all and goodbye. He was acting very disrepectful. I just don t know what to do. I want to
gobain Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Sweetie, I'll tell you what to do - and I'm being completely serious here: RUN! Run as fast as you can away from this very confused man. Get him away from you and out of your life as fast as you can. Emotional terrorism is an understatement. You must leave him before whatever self-esteem and respect you have shatters into a gazillion pieces. Please - for your own good - RUN!
EC Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Like the other post said RUN. He mistreats you, tells you things that hurt you and then uses sex to make it all better! Uh uh! That ain't love. Your on an emotional rollercoaster and you need to get off. And i would'nt be suprised if he didn't a;ready have another woman and thats why he is so confused. You need to sit down and ask yourself one question "What do I want right now what do I need right now and can he give it to me?" Answer yourself honestly because I think we all know the answer. But yeah girl you need to Run not even run SPRINT!!!
janejackson Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Thank you ladies for that response. I just let it all out on the post earlier. He just emailed me twice with travel plans for us in a week. Writing that he missed me, blah, blah,blah. He is certifiable and I am equally bad for staying with him all this time. I know I should run but why havent I? I am so used to this and am actually considering going with him. I really need help, dont I? So, I just wrote a note to send him back basically telling him to never call again...politeley of course. I am scared to press send because that is when I am really going to be alone. Help.
VirginiaJk Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Girl, you are sucked into his emotional web - he's got you right where he wants you and the abuse is gonna continue until you have the guts to get out of this relationship. I've been in a relationship like this and it destroyed my self esteem and took years away from my life. I went into depression and felt horrible about myself. Someone who loves you won't treat you like this. And anyone who tells you he loves you and wants to get married after just a few weeks is PSYCHO!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!! My ex had a history of proposing to every girl he met after just a few weeks. He did the same with me - gave me a $4,000.00 ring and then became obsessed with getting married. I refused, kept the ring and got the hell out of dodge. Get the guts to leave - he's Hitler in disguise.
gold26 Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 i wouldnt send him anything.. just dont answer his emails and calls.. if he continues to call you.. call the telephone people and complain your getting a lot of prank calls and would like them to change your number... they will do it for free once.. and you dont have to say who is calling.. justy say its an unknown number that hangs up or something... if you write him you will regret it later. dont put yourself through that... he will crap when he realizes your through..just watch
spencer Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Originally posted by janejackson I am scared to press send because that is when I am really going to be alone. Help. being alone is a joy compared to what your dealing with. imagine waking up peaceful, making choices based on what you need, going and doing what you want, not having someone f#@k with your head. please end it. he is needy and toying with you.
gobain Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Getting addicted to the drama of a relationship like yours is actually quite common. You can't be afraid to be alone. After a rolloercoaster ride like you've been on, believe me, you need some time alone. I was a on a baby-coaster compared to the highs and lows this guy takes you on and even I've needed time to adjust to calm seas as opposed to high-drama. But, and listen carefully, you must break all contact with this guy. He's poison, pure and simple. I know you don't want to hear that, but no good can from staying with someone so manic.
Dinny Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Hi Jane, I just had to reply to you, you poor poor girl! I know so well how you are feeling at the minute.....it sounds like your boyfriend and my ex are very similar. I will agree with the other replies you have had and tell you no matter how hard you find it you must break all contact with this man hun. My boyfriend was a commitmentphobic and I spent nearly a year and a half with him trying to work out what he wanted, what was going on in his head and how to make him happy!! It left me feeling so disorientated, depressed and with no self confidence or self esteem left that in the end I ran away from my job, what few friends I had and him and went home to my family in Ireland to clear my head for a couple of weeks because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown! It just sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn't know what he wants but he most definitely does not want to commit...THAT I do know for a fact!!! The problem is "he doesn't want to commit to you" but he also "can't commit to let go of you" if that makes sense. I read countless numbers of books trying to help my man and me, are relationship was such a good one apart from the fact that I felt like I was inlove with a brick wall as he would not open himself up at all emotionally and in the end he took off without and explanation or without finishing the relationship (he had ran away without explanations so many times in the past). In the end, I wrote him a letter finishing it and explained to him why I was doing it, how I felt about him and told him he needed to get councilling and I left it down to his house and THAT was my closure!!!! That was 4 weeks ago now and I am breaking my heart over the guy I really am but I can tell you now..........I may aswell be miserable on my own cos I will heal and come through this rather than be with someone who is making me so unhappy. Please remember Jane........if it isn't right at this time its never going to be right darlin because these are the times that should be happy and full of fun. For your own sake you must refuse to have anything more to do with him.......IT'S HIS LOSS!!!!! U DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS AND YOU MAY BE ON YOUR OWN BUT ONCE YOU HEAL YOU WILL BE MORE CAUTIOUS AND WITH YOUR OWN CONFIDENCE IN PLACE YOU WILL EXPECT MORE BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT FROM THE NEXT MAN YOU MEET. Take care of yourself and please remember, I am all the way over in the UK but I am going through the same pain but it will get better I promise you. All the Best to You!
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