Separated, but living together. UGH.

[kady]

We've been married for almost 11 years, though I feel our decline started after our oldest child was born, almost 9 years ago. Things have just not been the same and have gotten worse and worse. At this point, we're both just DONE, and over it. I am so sad as I've been with him for almost 14 years, he's the father of my 3 (only 2 living) children, and we have been through more than most people go through in a lifetime.

 

I can't even begin to imagine not having his as a part of my daily life, and what's worse is the fact that we simply can't afford for him to move out right now so we're stuck living in the same house for who knows how long. Our children have no idea what's going on and they won't until he moves out - I don't know how I would explain an in-house separation to them. We haven't shared a bed in 3 years so it's no big deal for them to see us not sleeping together - they pretty much never have.

 

In the meantime, however, how do I do this? It's hard to feel everything I want to feel when I still have to see him every day. I can't be as angry as I want to be because I don't want my kids living with a crazy, pissed off mom. I just want him out. And then I go back to feeling so heartbroken because he and the kids adore each other; the thought of them not being able to see each other every day is almost more than I can stand.

 

I guess I just need some positive thoughts and reminders that I CAN do this. I'm so sad.

[wow04]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Does he have any family he can move in with? I tried that for about 2 months and I finally took the kids and left to my mom's house. There was just too much tention in the house. The kids knew something wasn't right.

 

If you two are going to do this and stick to it, I think there needs to be some type of rules and boundaries set up.

[K Os]

kady, I'm so sorry. It's really hard. Your post rings so many bells with me. My wife is moving out to her own place this weekend, a year and one month after she first announced she wanted to split. It's been horrible, that's all I can really say in one sentence. We've been together 16 years, have one child aged 14 (from three pregnancies), so I know exactly where you're coming from, and I feel for you.

Like you, we're in a financial position where running two homes will be practically impossible, but as things have dragged on and just become more and more painful, I do feel separate homes is the only way to go for us at the moment. Speaking for myself, I still have hope for the future, however far off that may be, and I hope separation is a necessary step towards us both healing, but I'm under no illusions as to how unlikely that is now.

In retrospect I would only say this: if you're at the point where it's definitely agreed that somebody has to move out, then arrange it as quickly as possible. Separation under the same roof is, in my recent experience, an extreme hazard to emotional health. And yes, the resentment towards each other tends to build over that time. It's taken me weeks to realise how unwell I was becoming from the stress of it. In my case, it was made far worse by disagreement over who should go. If you can agree that, then it will be easier to handle the transition, I think.

I would also seek out some outlets away from home for dealing with the negative energies, particularly anger. Maybe take up a sport, go to a gym and punch a bag, chop wood, go miles from anywhere and just shout your lungs out and kick things. Bottling that stuff in the house is bad news all round.

Overall, I would always recommend therapy and trying to work things out, but then I'm an eternal optimist.

Good luck, and I really hope things improve for you. They will eventually, one way or another. Believe it. Stay positive, and keep looking at the good. Where there's still love, there's huge power for change.

[kady]

wow04 - his parents are utterly ridiculous and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even him. His sister lives 40 minutes away. We have tons of friends but they're all married with kids - who wants some dude sleeping on their couch? It really sucks.

 

K Os - thank you so much for your kind words. It sounds like you really do know exactly what I'm going through. He asked his sister for the money to file for divorce (which shocked me, to be honest) so I'm hoping we won't have to live like this for too much longer. I don't know. It's still fresh and raw and seeing him every day is just too much. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and, like you said, take my anger/hurt out elsewhere. Kickboxing or something!