How in the world do I go on with my life after being the OW?

July 7, 2004

[color=blue][/color]I Don't even know where to start, I guess at the beginning. It was new years eve 2000 and I went to my friends new years eve party, where i met the man of my dreams ( or so I thought) We hit it off right away and talked for hours.

I should mention at the time i was a very unhappily married woman. He was engaged. We had so much in common and he was always there for me when i had problems with my now ex-husband. He always knew what to say to make me feel better, always knew what to say to make me smile. He too had told me repeatedly that he was unhappy in his relationship and was reconsidering his engagement. We always used each other for support during these trying times. So much so that he gave met the strength i needed to leave my abusive husband and start all over something i never imagined i could do.

Now things started to change once I had my own place. I wanted him around more i longed to have the real relationship i always thought we had. He would visit every day but never stayed the night holiday's were the worst being alone. He would call but thats it. He kept telling me to be patient for him to leave his girlfriend he said she was very dependant on him and it would take time. He said he didnt want to hurt her feelings.

About 7 months goes by and i start getting lonlier than ever, so i start to go out some to clubs and bars, and i meet a man who seems tobe unbelievably interested in me he hangs on my every word. We exchange numbers. We talk for hours all the hours my true love was probably spending with his other girl. Anyway i start to enjoy this attention. And i make the decision a secison that took me almost two years to make and i tell the man with the fiancee that we need to end this, I tell him i no longer canbe the other woman. I tell him i need more than he can offer me and i am tired of waiting untill i am his number one. Then i tell him I have found someone who made me number one from the start.

Then he cries, he tells me he loves me for the first time in two years. He tells me he has been planning all along to leave his fiancee he was just waiting for the right time.

Yeah right i say. And I walk away.

This was almost a year and a half ago and i now have a 6 month old son with the man who gave me so much attention, we also live together. Dont get me wrong i love him and i love my son. But not a day goes by that i dont think of the other man the one who i thought i could wait forever for. I feel such a strong bond with him. I sometimes cry because i miss him so much

This may sound funny but even when i am having a bad day i call his job just to hear his voice and it makes me feel much better. I dont speak i just hang up. We tried to be friends after I broke up with him, but he said he couldnt take it he said he cared about me to much to be just friends ( yet he is still with "her).... I need help I dont want to feel like I am betraying my sons father but I love this other man so much that it hurts....I cry to think what would happend if i would have waited? To make things worse he has told me if leave my sons father he would be with me again......yet he is still with her....I dont understand what i need to do to get over him. I have started a family with another man, and yet its not that man i long to be with......im so sad. I really need your help

July 7, 2004

I don't mean to be harsh here, but WAKE UP.

This man was engaged and you carried on a relationship with him for two years - with you playing 2nd fiddle. You then find a man who treats you with love and as #1 and that isn't good enough for you? You are pining for a guy who was never yours to begin with and being unfair and emotionally cheating on your live-in love and father of your child. Meanwhile, this guy is SAYING once again he will leave a woman he wasn't able to leave during your entire two year relationship AND the previous year and a half.

IMO, this is an obsession, not love. Get over it by dealing with the poor way he treated you and the fact that he is mistreating his fiance / girlfriend who he is STILL WITH.

July 7, 2004

I'm not sure what to tell you-I hope in a year and a half I'm not thinking about my MM-and you have someone you love now!! I'm so depressed, I think I may just go lay down.

July 8, 2004

I dont mind when you are harsh i need this wake up to reality. That is why i came here i am hurting so bad because me and the MM as i will call him were such good friends he was my best friend and i feel so bad for how i feel I know it isnt fair to my sons father, I love him very much and he is good to me but i just cant get the MM out of my head I see him every now and then and when i do my heart drops and my stomach hurts.... I would do anything in this world to feel this same way about my sons father but the fact is that i dont. I love him its just a different kind of love.....I am obsessed with my MM i re read some of the special emails he sent me I look at his pics still. I miss him i miss our friendship. He never got married and yes he was engaged but he never cheated on her in their 6 years together untill he met me....He told me he had wish it was me he had met years before that he felt the same way i did. I dont know why he never left her.......UGHH i am so hopeless

July 8, 2004

Mr. Spock, I'm with you- I am so damned depressed - I'm not sure what I am going to do. I am thinking more and more that I am going to be just like that in another 1 1/2 years - thinking about him every day. It is almost 4 months. I think I am doing all right - still thinking about him every day - and then I realize that I have not moved an inch away from how I feel about him.

Debster, I wish it was just as easy as saying it is an obsession. Prior to being married, I met many, many guys; and had lots of boyfriends. There was never a shortage of guys in my life - but my feelings for my MM are not going away - when he left me the first time 8 years ago, it took me years to get back to a normal life. And we did not have a full blown relationship at that time - I don't know if I will ever get over him.

Yes, we are all awake. Yes we all see the truth. The bull**** and the fact that we are not in first place. But guess what, my heart does not listen to any of that. I see my MM and all his faults, his weaknesses and I see all the terrible things he has put me through. I see, I know, but it doesn't change my heart.

July 8, 2004

This is a typical reaction of anyone in your position. You are somehow better off having a child and a father together with you in the same place. Usually women in most cases like yours end up with nothing other than depression and tears. You are lucky if you look at it this way. Just enjoy your wonderful son and extend your joy a little to include his father as well. Forget about your past of false romantic moments and lies and live your present for a sucessful family future. You need to wake up and think like a resposible mom for your son who will soon begin to apprecite your affection and love. That is the reward we want you to have very soon. Those who stretch themselves between their illusioned past and an fulfilled future will get nothing other than wind blowing from all directions right into their body. wake up, cover well and stay together firm and leave no hole open for winds to blow in.

July 8, 2004

Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim
[color=blue][/color]He tells me he has been planning all along to leave his fiancee he was just waiting for the right time.
Yeah right i say. And I walk away.

Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim
[color=blue][/color]I dont know why he never left her

This man had no intension on leaving his fiancee. If he did he would have left her a long time ago. The MM I was seeing left his W when I told him it was over. He told me that he couldn't bare to lose me. But if your Engaged Man really loves you and doesn't want to be with her then he would be with you. And he never left her because he still wants to be with her. And if he truly didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't be. They aren't even married, for goodness sakes.

I think you would be a lot better off counting your losses and moving on with your life. I know it is easier said than done. But once you make a COMPLETE break from him, you will be able to get over him. And when I say complete, I mean you call him tell him that you can't be with him anymore, that you have to allow yourself to be first. That you need someone that loves you and only you. And when/if he tells you that he does only love you. Tell him that if he did he wouldn't be with her he would be with you. Don't take any excuses that he may give you about timing. Because that is just BS. Then you need to delete all those email that he once sent. Delete his number from your phone. Do whatever it takes so that you have no reminders of him. And if he starts calling you after you stop calling him, have his phone number blocked.

Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim
[color=blue][/color]
i feel so bad for how i feel I know it isnt fair to my sons father, I love him very much and he is good to me but i just cant get the MM out of my head I see him every now and then and when i do my heart drops and my stomach hurts.... I would do anything in this world to feel this same way about my sons father but the fact is that i dont. I love him its just a different kind of love.....

And if you are able to break off all ties with this Engaged man then maybe you could open your heart to love your son's father the way you love Engaged man.

I know what you are going thru and I know how hard it is. I wish you the best.

July 8, 2004

Debster, I wish it was just as easy as saying it is an obsession. Prior to being married, I met many, many guys; and had lots of boyfriends. There was never a shortage of guys in my life - but my feelings for my MM are not going away - when he left me the first time 8 years ago, it took me years to get back to a normal life. And we did not have a full blown relationship at that time - I don't know if I will ever get over him.

By no means did I say getting over an obsession is easy. However IMO, it is a heck of a lot easier than getting over someone you loved and who loved you in return. Nothing in life is easy. But that doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. I too have had my heart broken and have taken many months and sometimes even years to get over a guy. BUT I DID. Have faith in yourself.

Yes, we are all awake. Yes we all see the truth. The bull**** and the fact that we are not in first place. But guess what, my heart does not listen to any of that. I see my MM and all his faults, his weaknesses and I see all the terrible things he has put me through. I see, I know, but it doesn't change my heart.

If you are all awake and see the truth, why don't you act like it? I am not buying this "my heart does not listen to any of that" crap. Bull. What makes your heart so stubborn and controlling compared to the majority of the population? Nothing.... except for yourself. You have control over your heart with your brain. Your brain is telling you waht you are doing is wrong, you just aren't listening to your brain. I'm really sick of this I can't control my emotions/heart stuff.

Adults can and do control their emotions every day. You choose not to.

July 8, 2004

Debster,

Sorry to say but if we could control our emotions then we could just all pick our perfect mate and direct our heart to produce feelings of love. We would all be extremely happy.

But that is not the case - and in my case I am doing the right thing. I am trying to move on with my life. But controlling my emotions. If you can do that you are one in a million. Please share your secret.

July 8, 2004

While, I do think that ICantStopLovinHim should break off all strings to this Engaged Man. Because if he wanted to be with her he would leave his girlfriend. I don't know how anyone can choose their emotions. I feel in love with a MM and it was not my choice. But it did happen

July 8, 2004

Im sorry debbie you seem to be a nice person and all but i have to say i disagree. You CANNOT control emotion you just need to try not to let it control you as mine does. I cannot control how i feel about this man i mean he is a wonderfull man who unfortunately fell in love with two women and the one he chose to be with just wasnt me and i am finding a hard time accepting that. Your brain does tell you what you are doing is wrong but just because its not right does not mean you can stop it you cant i know that because i want to stop I really really want to stop loving a man who does not in all actuality love me but i cant its been almost two years i have moved on started a family and yet he is ALL i think about.

I think the truth in my situation is when my current boyfriend gave me all that much needed attention i looked at him as way to try to move on and forget my MM but it didnt work and now i am in worse a situation because now i have his and my sons feelings to consider. I hate to admit this but i am always comparing my BF to my MM how my MM has a great job, cars house and all that and me and my BF struggle i use that against our relationship and its unhealthy i know this But i just cant stop. You have no idea how hard it is not to just pick up the phone and call the MM just to hear his voice. He told me not to try to pursue our friendship he told me to make it work with my new family but even that isnt easy.

July 8, 2004

The fact that all of you believe that you can't control your emotions makes me feel very sad. There is no secret to it, it is just knowing what you want and deserve and only doing things that will help you achieve it.

For example, I WANTED to find a man who would love me unconditionally, want to marry me, be faithful, be a good dad, and be loving and understanding. I ended relationships (with people I cared about and some I even loved) where I wasn't getting what I wanted. Yes it was tough. Yes I cried. Yes I wanted to make myself believe that things would change. BUT I STUCK TO MY GUNS. And funnily enough, I FOUND what I was looking for and I am incredibly happy. How you may ask? By not settling for anything less than what I wanted and deserved.

Disagree all you want.

July 8, 2004

Desbster,

So this is the thread where people cannot control their emotions!

I did the same thing as you. I decided that I wanted a man with a stable job, who was not married, divorced or with kids, who loved ME unconditionally and was responsible! Guess what after being alone for 2 years, I found him and he's wonderful!

Don't settle for less than you deserve!

Everyone can control their emotions. For example, I would love to run screaming around my office that I'm bored and I QUIT. I would love to call my ex, just to rub it in his face that I'm doing good. I would love to eat an entire chocolate cake! But I don't because I have control of myself. Those who do not have control are actually clinically insane and in jail because they end up murdering people or something...

July 8, 2004

Originally posted by Debster
The fact that all of you believe that you can't control your emotions makes me feel very sad. There is no secret to it, it is just knowing what you want and deserve and only doing things that will help you achieve it.

For example, I WANTED to find a man who would love me unconditionally, want to marry me, be faithful, be a good dad, and be loving and understanding. I ended relationships (with people I cared about and some I even loved) where I wasn't getting what I wanted. Yes it was tough. Yes I cried. Yes I wanted to make myself believe that things would change. BUT I STUCK TO MY GUNS. And funnily enough, I FOUND what I was looking for and I am incredibly happy. How you may ask? By not settling for anything less than what I wanted and deserved.

Disagree all you want.

Debster that is what I wanted as well, I wanted to leave my MM to find a man who could make me #1 and give me all the love and affection i know i deserved....and thats what i "thought" I found with my current boyfriend but tell me this why am i so unhappy? I think its because i never let myself have a chance to get over the MM. I used my BF as an escape and it didnt work so its not all about finding what you are looking for.....its being sure you want it. Because i found it I have it and i am still incomplete....I cannot give my whole heart to another man .....if in fact i didnt get it all back from the other.

July 8, 2004

Probably because you didn't allow yourself time to heal.

In my last serious relationship before I met my fiance it took me almost a year to completely get him out of my system. Part of it could also be that for about two years we were on-again, off-again.

BAsically, you need to remind yourself of all the things he did that pissed you off and why he wasn't the right person for you. The next time you start feeling nostalgic, remember the bad times. It finally worked for me. Generally people often forget the bad times when thinking back on an ex. AFter all, there is a reason they are your ex.

July 8, 2004

FINALLY I agree with you debster I didnt give myself time to heal. In all reality i think if my BF hadnt had come along to save me from my MM i may still be in that saddening position, but in leaving one relationship for the other i made a big mistake I took about a month or two to leave my MM after some convincing from my BF that he could make my happier.....and now my BF thinks I am one not to be trusted he says since i didn't let on to my MM that i was starting to see someone else right away that i was a cheater on top of the fact of seeing someone while knowing he had a girlfriend.....My BF knew all about this....we were all mutual friends. Anyway now getting him to believe I wont leave him for someone else or for my MM is very hard struggle I face on a daily basis he is very insecure all caused by the past i led wwhen i met him.....so there is many ways of being the OW that hurts you emotionally it can also hurt any future relationships too

July 8, 2004

I do agree with Debster. Hold out for what you want. Unfortunately, what I wanted at the time was married, with no intention of leaving his life for me. Duh. I of course recognized this, but still in my heart of hearts was hoping he'd fall madly in love with me. Double duh. So, when he was done enjoying my younger thinner body 6 months down the road (suspecting I loved him, and getting scared of discovery) he decided to move things to the "just friends" stage. I laughed at him when he said this.

If I am still going on about this in a year and a half, I am going to get someone to come up behind me and hit me with a hammer.......

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