Wife found out about me....

[strawberryjetta]

I already know I am probably hated for being the gf of a married man. It really is a long drawn out story, but I will try and keep it simple.

 

I had told my husband that I wanted a divorce and that I was unhappy, he disregarded my comments and did nothing, this went on for years. I finally found solace in another man. This other man was married too, his marriage was not so happy either but tolerable and he stayed with her because she had a lot of health aliments. They have no kids (I would never have done this with a man that had kids)...he is also a lot older than me. She found out about me after about a year and a half after being with me and I landed up breaking up with him right before she found out.

 

He contacted me again 2 months later after the break up to let me know that he couldn't live without me and needed me. Slowly we reconnected again and fell in love all over again. Yesterday we met because I was done with him not having time for me. Since she knew about us, things had to be secret and he didn't have enough excuses to use because his previous ones were exposed. At the end of our meeting, he kissed me and I gave in and told him that I loved him too. He said we would figure something out and that was that. I do feel a very deep connection to this man, it isn't about sex, but about love. We laugh and just have a wonderful time together, it almost seems like we connect on such a higher level.

 

He went home and she was suspicious. She took his phone and found our emails to eachother on his bogus account that he created so he could still contact me. He forgot to delete it.

 

She now states the marriage is over. They are going to the counselor (they have been in counseling ever since she found out about me) to add closure and lawyer today. Let me also add in that I am not the first woman he has cheated on his wife with, according to him though I am the only one of them that he has ever fallen in love with and I have talked with the others and they have confirmed that as well, as he never ever told them that he loved them or bought them anything.

 

I asked him if he wanted me to walk away, and he said that it would do no good now. I know he has a long painful path ahead of him and I don't know what to do. A part of me feels like I should leave because I would be a reminder of the pain, and I know this is going to be painful for him to deal with. Another part of me wonders if I should stay and offer support. I don't know what to do and I just feel helpless. My husband and I am amidst a divorce right now, and I know he (the other man) has been there for me. I also know I love this man with everything I am. I don't expect him to come running to me and to start a big happy family....thats not what I am asking from him, I know he now needs time to heal. I just want to know should I stay or go.....

[woinlove]

It sounds like you are still married yourself. I don't get why you say your H didn't do anything about a divorce. What about you? If you actually wanted to divorce, why didn't you divorce? It sounds like you are shifting blame to your H for your own decisions and actions (or inactions).

Edited July 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moved thread and removed quote

[Owl]

I'd suggest that you tell him that you're there for him...when he's ended his marriage and is willing to be with you full time.

 

Then...turn around and look at your own situation.

 

I don't understand why you expected your H to do something when you stated you wanted a divorce...if you wanted a divorce, then why didn't you file for a divorce? Why did you expect him to change, or to take action once you made that statement? If you want a divorce...you file for a divorce, and you DIVORCE.

 

Matter of fact...same thought process applies to your BF. If he wants a divorce...why hasn't he filed for divorce?

 

NOT rocket science here. If you want change...make change.

 

I don't see things changing in your situation...do you?

[woinlove]

I think Owl's advice is good. The fact that it seems to have taken his W saying the M is over now, suggests to me this man has not been taking direct action to end his M and be with you. Also, since he has cheated multiple times, what, if anything, is he doing to change into a person who can be honest and loyal? That task alone could take him years. Something to think about for yourself too.

[GLDheart]

I already know I am probably hated for being the gf of a married man...

 

I think that it would be unfair to simply HATE you. But I'm sure some will jusge your actions in a very negative way. You say you were in a very bad marriage and told your husband. I wonder if your husband really knew how you felt. I wonder too if, AFTER YOU MET THE OTHER MAN, is when you started viewing your marriage as being bad.

 

...his marriage was not so happy either but tolerable and he stayed with her because she had a lot of health aliments...

 

Wow, what a nice guy. He stayed with his wife because she was sick. He is a truw good samaritan selflissly taking care of her. In fact, he's so good to her he deserves to nail multiple other chicks on the side. /end sarcasm

 

...(I would never have done this with a man that had kids)...

 

That really strikes me as something convenient you can say after the fact to pretend to have high moral standards. The truth is you and did about the lowest thing you can do to a pair of unsuspecting spouses (one of them, in your words, old and sick).

 

 

...She now states the marriage is over...

 

Good for her. Seriously. She is married to a scum bag.

 

...I am not the first woman he has cheated on his wife with, according to him though I am the only one of them that he has ever fallen in love with...

 

I know he shows you "his Mr. Wonderful" side... but he obviously practices his routine on multiple women. I'm sure they are all "the only one he loves".

 

You mention walking away. I would tend to agree that you are in a web of mess with this guy. A guy that can cheat. A guy that has intoduced his sick wife to the worst hell she could have imagined late in her life as her body fails her with illness. Is this the kind of guy you really want?

[strawberryjetta]

Unfortunately my husband created a huge mess for us. He has us in a huge amount of debt, CC, general bills, the house (I keep getting foreclosure letters) and the house that we purchased we tried to sell last year but no one wanted it for the price that we even nearly purchased it for. We purchased it for 300,000 and the house down the block just sold for 215,000. I am a college student and mom (I am over 30), I have no income whatsoever, and we have been waiting till I finish school in a year to reconcile everything peacefully. I plan on getting a job after I graduate, but to put the kids in school and have me in college, it doesn't pay, we will be in even more debt. You add the debt, the fact that there is no love between us, only friendship, I am not attracted to him at all, the frequent fighting....its not good. He now lives with his parents and I have the house and kids till we sort it all through. My counselor told me that it is going to cost thousands and thousands of dollars to divorce. I don't have that. I only have what he gives me for food for me and the kids.

[GLDheart]

I thought you said you wouldn't do this if the Other man had kids... It's wrong to break up HIS family but ok to do to yours?

 

I'm confused.

[woinlove]

Unfortunately my husband created a huge mess for us. He has us in a huge amount of debt, CC, general bills, the house (I keep getting foreclosure letters) and the house that we purchased we tried to sell last year but no one wanted it for the price that we even nearly purchased it for. We purchased it for 300,000 and the house down the block just sold for 215,000. I am a college student and mom (I am over 30), I have no income whatsoever, and we have been waiting till I finish school in a year to reconcile everything peacefully. I plan on getting a job after I graduate, but to put the kids in school and have me in college, it doesn't pay, we will be in even more debt. You add the debt, the fact that there is no love between us, only friendship, I am not attracted to him at all, the frequent fighting....its not good. He now lives with his parents and I have the house and kids till we sort it all through. My counselor told me that it is going to cost thousands and thousands of dollars to divorce. I don't have that. I only have what he gives me for food for me and the kids.

 

Have you and your counsellor been discussing your passivity? The timeline you give is you were unhappy and wanted to divorce for years, finally chose an OM, 1.5 yrs later his W found out, 2 mos later you started to slowly reconnect.... Sounds like you have wanted to divorce for at least 4 or 5 years. And yet you make it sound like your H is causing all your problems, getting you into more debt, you not having a job, while you wait all those years wanting to divorce.

 

Anyway, what is past is past, but I do hope you look at the past and realize if you did not take action to get to where you want to be and learn from that. You can take action now. It doesn't do any good for you to think your H did not divorce you, your H got you into debt, your H did this and that. What are YOU doing?

[TigerCub]

Hey Strawberry,

 

You are in a mess, but lots of people have been there and still made it out and found some resolution that made them happy.

 

The only thing is, your MM is a serial cheater. You say that he cheated before with other women and you are the only one he loved - even if that were true, so what? He obviously has no problem whatsoever breaking his promises and hurting the one he's supposed to love most.

 

Furthermore, he cheated on an ailing wife? Really? That really doesn't say much about his character. Think long and hard before you bet all your chips on someone like him.

 

No judgements, honestly, but please be careful.

[Steen719]

 

I had told my husband that I wanted a divorce and that I was unhappy, he disregarded my comments and did nothing, this went on for years.

I am not sure I understand this. Why didn't you divorce him?

 

Let me also add in that I am not the first woman he has cheated on his wife with, according to him though I am the only one of them that he has ever fallen in love with and I have talked with the others and they have confirmed that as well, as he never ever told them that he loved them or bought them anything.

 

This is so sad. You must realize, surely, that this is horsesh*t. Really? He directed you to the other women he cheated on his wife with?

 

 

I usually really do not even respond to people who are asking about what to do about their OW/OM, but this is really just so sad. Why don't you get some counseling for yourself, independent of your STBXH and the OM? The OM has cheated on his ill wife before and while I know you feel "different" and "special", you are not. He has proven what he is and while I am not saying that anyone is not capable of redemption or change, why would you involve yourself with someone who cheated repeatedly on an ill wife? You cheated on your H. Surely, if you really think about this, you can see that this is NOT a relationship with a foundation that will stand up under difficulties, which are sure to come your way. You need some perspective about this. You are not some waif who has to just go along with whatever comes your way. You are a thinking person who can make your own decisions and it is better for you if you are proactive instead of drifting along, letting things happen to you.

 

You may be satisfied in the future that you left your H, as it sounds as if it was not really a healthy marriage, but if you think this "special" relationship with your MM will remain that once he is free and once he is with you, well, the chances are very good that he won't change his behavior. The difference will be that he will doing it to you.

[TigerCub]

Unfortunately my husband created a huge mess for us. He has us in a huge amount of debt, CC, general bills, the house (I keep getting foreclosure letters) and the house that we purchased we tried to sell last year but no one wanted it for the price that we even nearly purchased it for. We purchased it for 300,000 and the house down the block just sold for 215,000. I am a college student and mom (I am over 30), I have no income whatsoever, and we have been waiting till I finish school in a year to reconcile everything peacefully. I plan on getting a job after I graduate, but to put the kids in school and have me in college, it doesn't pay, we will be in even more debt. You add the debt, the fact that there is no love between us, only friendship, I am not attracted to him at all, the frequent fighting....its not good. He now lives with his parents and I have the house and kids till we sort it all through. My counselor told me that it is going to cost thousands and thousands of dollars to divorce. I don't have that. I only have what he gives me for food for me and the kids.

 

Yeah you said in the OP that you told him that you wanted a divorce, but HE did nothing.

According to what you wrote above - what is he really supposed to do?

He's waiting for you to finish college to work things out peacefully.

He didn't really get you into debt. I'm guessing that he is paying for your education while you don't really give any $ back into the relationship - and he is paying for your food, home and (as he should be) providing for the children.

 

I'm really not sure why you're trying to pin all this on him - what about you doing something?

 

From your posts I get the impression that you think acting helpless removes any accountability.

- he didn't do anything after I told him I wanted to divorce, so that's that.

- I gave in and told MM that I loved him.

 

etc...

 

You're in your 30s and you're a mother!! grow up, and act like it.

You're not some helpless child who **** just happens to - take accountability for your actions / well inaction in your case.

[strawberryjetta]

I was in counseling and then my husband stopped paying the copay, to which now she wont see me. I wanted to do counseling before we even married because my childhood was pure abuse, mental and physical. My mother is bipolar and my father an alcoholic who likes to beat women. I somehow survived it, bearly, and I have a lot of issues that I know I need to clear up and some I am still worried to find out. I do not have any family to speak of, as they abandoned me and my parental family, so its not like I can even ask family to help me in any way, which is why I stayed in my marriage for as long as I did. Its kind of hard when you have no one. I try my best, which is why I went back to school because I wanted to make my future a little better, because it has to get better than this, I deserve better and so do my kids. When I was in counseling I was told it had something to do with locus of control issues.

[Steen719]

****I just wanted to say that when I started my reply post to you it was in the Infidelity forum and there were only one or two responses, so you had answered questions before my post showed. Not sure it matters.****

[strawberryjetta]

No, I am not trying to pin it all on him, but I didn't use his credit cards (I don''t even have one!), I asked him if we could afford things before we bought them. I had been working since I was 15, and took a break to have kids. He took over everything because he wanted me to be stress free and felt he could handle it. And no, he is not paying for my schooling, I have student loans that are paying for school.

 

Either way, my life is not what I am questioning and I thank those who have been non judgmental and have answered the question that I asked, which was what should I do, stay and offer support to him or walk away.....thank you for those who have answered it and not judged me. I appreciate the answers I have gotten and am weighing out what to do next.

[GLDheart]

I was in counseling and then my husband stopped paying the copay, to which now she wont see me...

 

$20 bucks a week? Really? You couldn't maybe make some craft candles and sell them on eBay or a Yard Sale or some other way to manage a co=pay on your own?

 

Please stop putting all of your problems on your husband. It sounds as if he is working hard and falling into debt to provide for a household HE DOESN'T EVEN GET TO LIVE IN ANYMORE.

 

 

My mother is bipolar and my father an alcoholic who likes to beat women. I somehow survived it, bearly, and I have a lot of issues that I know I need to clear up...

 

I hope you see how this makes you "easy prey" for that married man to work his charms on. I'll bet a few compliments, intently listening to anything you have to say, feeling bad for your problems, and agreeing with your outlook is all it really takes to reach that "special higher level" you think you have with him.

 

I truly mean no dis-respect to you when I say those things. I just want you to know I think that your OM is scum for preying on you. He will continue to prey on you as long as you let him.

 

 

I do not have any family to speak of, as they abandoned me... ...Its kind of hard when you have no one...

 

You have NOONE? What? Again I'm confused... I am under the impression that a man looked past all of your problems, married you, gave you a home to live in, helps you go back to school, provides for your children, and in return YOU FKCK ANOTHER MAN TO REPAY HIM.

 

I point this out to you so that maybe you can understand what "secure" love is really like. It's not unicorns and rainbows like your part time man gets to pretend to provide. It's more like what your (I bet you think he's boring) HUSBAND does. It's about stcking by your mate, forgoing all others, and making the best of the world around you... One team against it all.

 

YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT NOW AND CAN'T EVEN SEE IT. Please sell some old shoes, collect bottles for redemption, do whatever it takes, and get back into counseling so that you can iron out why your childhood has your definition of love so twisted up backwards.

[scatterd]

Wow you think this guy loves you. Not to be rude but he is not capable of true love. He cheats on his wife who is not good enough for him because she got ill. He says his marriage is not that bad to top it. I hope you don't get sick also because he would do the same. You said he has no children but does he have step children? I would be careful he is not who you think. As far as you being there for his divorce why not. Do you realize your OM is going to go through allot now he is getting divorced and you got him not because he asked for it. That is going to change thiings you wont have the same excitement and I wonder if he will cheat on you when the newness is over or find someone else. I have seen that happen before. Be-careful you are going to see allot now the whole game changed.

[stillafool]

I have no income whatsoever, and we have been waiting till I finish school in a year to reconcile everything peacefully.

 

Can't you get a job and go to school?

[TigerCub]

Strawberry,

 

I'm really sorry that you had such a terrible childhood and that your family not only isn't there for you, but were the cause of your pain.

 

With that said, since you do admit that you need to resolve a lot of internal issues - my advice to you is to concentrate on that instead of delving more into the mess with MM.

 

I understand that you can't afford therapy right now, but maybe even if you read books on abandonment issues and all the abuse you had to live with, you might find some insight on why you choose the paths you choose.

 

This really isn't a judgement, I just think that your past is affecting how you live your present and going from an unhappy marriage to being the rock for a serial cheater because his wife found out isn't going to help you in finding your way to recovery.

 

Good luck to you

 

Is there absolutely no psychiatrists you can be referred to by your family doctor (here in Canada - we don't pay for those visits, but the wait list is long) - do you have anything like that where you are?

[strawberryjetta]

Funny, my counselor is the one that told me I had to leave my husband because things were his fault and that I should find everything I can and take him for it all and find where he is hiding stuff....but that is a person who has her PHD and of course, I am going to listen to your nastiness because you have heard my story for about 10 whole minutes. Wow!

 

Actually my bf has given me over $25,000 in the past year and a half to try and make my life comfortable and to help me provide food on the table for my kids when I couldn't. He also bought the kids all of their christmas presents when I couldn't and their father couldn't budget it in. He told me he would pay for counseling if I wanted too, but at that point I really didn't think it was important. He has been a good man to me and to my kids. I am looking at what others have said about him being potentially a serial cheater and I know that even if we were to stay together that I would always be looking over my shoulder. I also know now that the honeymoon stage is over and there will be some hard times even if I just stay as friends with him.

[strawberryjetta]

Thank you Tigercub. I will look into some self help books and see what other avenues I can explore.

[Ducky23]

No, I am not trying to pin it all on him, but I didn't use his credit cards (I don''t even have one!), I asked him if we could afford things before we bought them. I had been working since I was 15, and took a break to have kids. He took over everything because he wanted me to be stress free and felt he could handle it. And no, he is not paying for my schooling, I have student loans that are paying for school.

 

Either way, my life is not what I am questioning and I thank those who have been non judgmental and have answered the question that I asked, which was what should I do, stay and offer support to him or walk away.....thank you for those who have answered it and not judged me. I appreciate the answers I have gotten and am weighing out what to do next.

 

Strawberry, before I begin, please read the entire post before reacting. I am not judging you, I am in your shoes. I am giving you advice based on my own experience. And I can't give you a simple "stay or leave" answer because your problem is bigger than that.

First things first. Abuse is a horrible thing. I lived it both as a child and an adult. You say you have no family, neither do I. I walked away from them at a young age. You say you wanted counseling before you got married, what kept you from it? When I was 16, I was married and working. When I was 17 my marriage was failing. At 18 I gave birth to my daughter and my husband left me for another woman. Age 19 I started college. And became pregnant again. In an extremely abusive relationship I was forced to quit school after he almost killed me one too many times.

I also had student loans to help pay for my schooling. I worked while going to school, pregnant, and caring for a child. Why aren't you working? You say H let you have time off so you would be "stress free", which was wonderful of him. That was a selfless act I believe and is a great gift. But you spoke of wanting a divorce before, and how he didn't divorce you. Had he divorced you, you would be left a single parent, left with the decision of leaving or finishing school, in greater debt, and being faced with losing your home and forcing your children to live without their father. YOU wanted a divorce, not your H. It was not his action to take. He obviously wanted to continue the M.

As a single mom I work full time and then some, and am also contemplating going back to finish my degree. Yes, it's stressful to work and go to school while raising children but it is not impossible.

Your A is still going as long as you stay in contact with MM. Now he is divorcing and you say he's dealing with "pain" from that. But he is not your responsibility. His actions forced his W to file for D or demand D. Yes, you played a part in that, but you stated he was a serial cheater anyway, so it was bound to happen. If not with you, some other OW. You have your own problems and pain to work through as it is, so why should you also carry part of his burden? You say you only have the money your H gives you for food for you and the children, so you don't have "much". Why should your H be giving you anything when you're the one who was unfaithful? Did you try MC with your H before cheating and asking for D? Have you spoken with your H about your issues and what you wanted to happen differently in your M for you to want to stay? Does he know about the A?

I'm afraid of the lessons your nonaction is teaching your children. You seem to be drifting through life, using people (read:H and MM) to satisfy your wants/needs. I understand the desire to be a SAHM and to go to school, and to not work. But you obviously can't afford that luxury. Why didn't you get a job, even part-time, to help H with expenses? It is not his responsibility to provide everything, expenses, romance, happy home, ect. In a M you are partners. All-in, supposedly forever. Being a parent means you have to be responsible. You are a maid, a chef, a chauffeur, a nurse, a teacher, a warden, all of these things for your children and then some. If you give it all to the kids and none to H, you'll lose the love and the "spark" that you should have in your M. I think you have been very passive in allowing your M to fail and putting the burden on H.

My advice to you, WS to WS, mom to mom.. Is to become proactive. Stop sitting around and home ringing your hands, wondering what to do. Go find work, and start paying your own way. Your M is not broken, I believe it can be fixed, yes even after your A. Step one: cut contact with MM, his problems are not yours. You say you love him, but I wonder if it isn't just transference of emotion, from H to MM, because of the life you live and the life you want. The A gave you attention, time, "love", made you feel special, ect. Which is wonderful. But those things don't last. If it's meant to be, you can try again AFTER both D are final and you're back on your feet. Step two: get a job. Doesn't matter what, it matters that you have an income. Step three: expose your A to your H. It is very hard but also necessary in order to heal and move forward in your R. Step four: seek therapy. For both your M and yourself. Work it out. You deserve this. And I think it's very much needed.

Then, get on with your life. With or without your H, your life is your own. Stop waiting around and start taking charge. Your children will follow in your footsteps. Believe that. Lead by example. Think of them first in all of your decisions. It is their home that will be broken. It is their future in your hands. Not just your own. Please remember that.

[strawberryjetta]

You are right. There are some parts that I just haven't taken charge of. My husband knows about the other man, he has known about it from the start. There is nothing left in my marriage, it died a long time ago. My kids are small, so paying for after care/school will pretty much negate working. I did in the past clean houses on the side when I found out that there was no money to pay for things. I did that for about a year, and I felt like crap about myself, but I was happy that I could give my kids a good Christmas that year. Next month I am working as an art assistant so my kids can go to summer camp. It's not that I am not doing. Working and going to school is hard for me because I do have learning disabilities that stem from my childhood, so I always have to put extra effort into things. I am trying. I know once I finish school in a year, life will be better. I would have finished school earlier but my husband wanted to start a family immediately and I got very sick throughout the pregnancies and had to have home health care and consistent IVs and pumps to get through them. So I put my life on hold. I guess that is why we haven't moved to full divorce because he knows that I put my life on hold for his wants at that moment and knows if I go out on my own without my degree, I will be hurting the family because you get more money when you have a degree and I might not be able to go back and finish. So he is trying to set a better example.

[scatterd]

He is even worse then I thought, his wife is ill and he is spending their money on another woman. How about her health needs and now that they are getting divorced he will have less to help her. Does he even plan on that? Sorry but this guy pisses me off. Have you ever heard of alienation of affection? You can find someone so much better look how he treats his wife that is how you can be treated. His wife probably did everything for him before she got ill and I bet she would have taken care of him if the tables were turned. One thing about it though she deserves someone better then that. Now you get her problem what a prize. I know you feel in love but he

is not who you feel he is. Of course he will charm you thats what serial Cheaters do. You asked if you should be there for him. I think you need to

think about getting your life together more. Be good to your self and think

about your childrens future and what they need.

I hope you the best.

[beachbabe82]

Since ya can't afford school, drop out and pursue it later or do night classes or online classes. Seriously, you have taken money from another woman!!!! You sleep with her husband, have secret email accounts and she is ill, yet you take her money! I hope she takes him for every dime he has when she divorces her cheating hubby. There is no reason why you can't work now. And just cause you have a degree doesn't mean you will even get a job!!!!!! Seriously, like many emploters want knowledge and experience. You won't get some high paying job just cause you have a college degree. Or are you expecting the MM to continue to support you? There is no way I would ever let Billy support me!!! Do your kids know you are with a married guy? Does he come over since you say you have no money to pay for a babysitter? Or do you get him to pay that?

 

My BFF is 27, has 2 kids, works 45 hours a week, takes online classes and is not with her daughters' dad. He doesn't even pay child support. She works so hard. She is also financially responsible for her kids, just like you are. So how are you supporting your kids?

 

I can't believe a counselor would tell you to divorce your husband and encourage you to take him to the cleaners!!!! Does she know you have been cheating for a long time? What an irresponsible counselor!

 

None of us had the childhood of white picket fesses and rainbows! I was molested by the neighbors son for 3 years. I do not use that as an excuse for my behavior or for sympathy.

 

So you want advice to stay with a guy who cheats on his wife a bunch of times or ..... Not be with him? Go for it. His wife deserves way better and so does your hubby. Since you don't work, maybe he should have the kids so you can focus on school and the married guy? I mean, you have no money so how are you supporting them? I feel so sad for them . They dont deserve to live in poverty and they shouldn't be exposed to your love life.

 

You are just as responsible for the debt you have. Mstop blaming your hubby for everything and look at what you have done. I can't believe you expect your hubby to pay all your bills. Wow.

[nofool4u]

I just want to know should I stay or go.....

 

He is a multiple cheat. Yes I know, you are different and the difference is he loves you. Blah blah.

 

Sure stay, just knowing that a man that gets bored with marriage, and yes, he is that kind of man, will end up looking for a little strange if you and he wind up together and a few years have gone by. You'll too soon become the same old same old.