whathurtsthemost Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Hi all, I don't know if I'm being jealous, insecure, or should be truly concerned. So need a sounding board. My GF and I have been going out for 8 weeks - She started to work in a bar from 8 pm to 12 or 2am depending on how busy the bar is. I know that when she finishes, sometimes she goes for a drink with her friends... Last night, (I live in a small town), on my way home, I went to collect cigarrettes from a late night kebab shop - I had been out dancing salsa with my salsa class - I look over, and in the bar opposite, I think I see her - I proceed to the other place to get my cigarettes and she comes up to me, crosses the road and says "its good to see you" and for me to come over for a drink. So I go park the car, get to the place, and she is sitting there with another guy - a "male friend" who is Columbian (no disrespect, but these guys are smooth talkers). I try and keep my composure, but I am not happy - The guy starts making loops around me... stuff like asking my gf to say "I love you" in bulgarian, and then he laughs and says "Now tell your boyfriend!" - Makes remarks that I am busy and I should take her dancing... she starts saying they can go after her work one day... the whole thing left me really uncomfortable, plus I had had a few drinks... The guys seems to know about me, I know she said she has a boyfriend, because he knows about me - but nonetheless, here she is with him, he was probably at the bar where she works and then they went on from there - Apparently she was waiting for her best friend and flat mate and was going to try and hook them 2 up - but I can see this guy wants my gf, not the friend.... and he is paying for the drinks.... and she is drinking... and eventually her friend does turn up... She says I should go to sleep at her place, but I declined - just felt ****ty inside and needed to get out, so I said goodbye, that yes something was wrong, and told her we would talk tomorrow, which is today because I was slightly drunk and didnt want to speak things out of turn and wanted to reflect on what happened. My GF is pretty, she probably gets hit on all the time, I know that - but, seeing it in front of me just really hurt... especially as she was there alone and the guys intentions are very very clear... What should I do? I dont want to come over insecure, but I feel like she disrespected me and whilst I do trust her, I dont trust guys or alcohol... but she is working in a bar and this probably could happen far more than I know... My last long term relationship ended when my gf started to work in a bar evening/nights... and I was cheated on by so called "they are just a male friend".... Help please, Thank you!
Emilia Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I think people that work in bars can be much more social in a sense that doesn't necessarily indicate anything else. However, a good girl wouldn't keep drinking with a guy like that (I know you are biased towards thim but he did sound seedy) even if she was trying to hook up her friend. OR for example if I wanted to do something like this, I would tell you I think. I haven't worked in hospitality for a long time and I was single when I did so but I think I would tell stuff like this to my boyfriend. I think your boundaries might be very different. As I mentioned I worked in hospitality - I was travelling at the time - and I dated a barman once (it was only a temporary job for him though) but wouldn't you be better off if you dated women who had aspirations beyond serving alcohol and being around alcohol? Most of us get fed up with that sort of lifestyle precisely because of the sort of characters it brings out
Author whathurtsthemost Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Thanks Emilia... I think you are right, she is very outgoing and "nice" to everyone... I think probably slightly naive as to what some guys really want... and probably enjoys the attention as anyone of us would... I don't necessarily think she has a hidden agenda, but nonetheless, I don't feel good. She wants a better job - but this is what she has at the moment. She is a smart girl with qualifications from her home country. Should I address it with her? How?
Emilia Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Ah! She might be new to that kind of scene then by the sound of it. Yes you should address it. Tell her what bothers you exactly. Tell her that her being out on her own with guys around alcohol bothers you. Not because you don't trust her but because people are unpredictable in those settings. Ask her to let you know next time rather than try to stop her. She should understand
InJest Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 You've only been with her two months. Start seeing and dating(and sleeping with) other girls, until you feel satisfied by your girlfriend's behavior.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 What she did was totally inappropriate. A taken woman is not supposed to be getting drunk alone with some random dude... especially when the dude is obviously trying to get in her pants. And trust me, it's not a case of being "naive"...No woman is THAT naive. The guy was totally disrespecting you too and basically treating you like some beta male chump. If you were a 6'5 biker all covered in tattoos, I bet the Columbian sleazeball would never try to pull that Bulgarian "I love you" stunt. 1
Feelsgoodman Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 On a side note, I can tell by your post that you're a nice guy. You need to get some street smarts and learn how to act when another man is hitting on your GF right in front of you (which will happen a lot if your girl is hot and you don't look like some dangerous, intimidating goon). You need to know how to put such guys in their place...preferably without resorting to violence. To give you an example, I was once at a coffee shop with my date and she was ordering her drink. The guy at the counter was some smug iranian son of a b*tch and he immediately started flirting with the girl. She wasn't sure what she was going to get and said she wanted something simple. The counter guy was like "yeah, simple is good, it's important to enjoy the simple things in life!" Keep in mind that it's not just what he said but how he said it and the fact that he was acting like I wasn't even there. So when it was my turn to order, I tell him: "I just want a regular coffee. Is that simple enough for you?" (I said that jokingly, but with enough of a mocking subtone to suggest I was questioning his intellectual abilities). My date actually laughed out at this and the iranian dude was at loss for words and unsuccessfully tried to make some lame joke. And that was the end of it. 2
yongyong Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 typical answer 'she works at a bar but she is a good girl' ROFL? what kind of girls usually work at the bar? how's their nightlife habit? what kind of people do they interact with? how many guys hit on them? I think you gotta have very strong mind to date a girl like that. 1
MrCastle Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Feelsgood pretty much nailed it. It feels like you're coming here hoping to get answers that put you at ease and erase your doubts. But deep down you know there's an issue otherwise you wouldn't have made this thread. What she did is not acceptable behavior. I don't buy the naive card either. I'm in my 20's, a woman in her 20's BETTER realize there is not one straight man on earth, single or taken, that only wants to be friends with a girl. That doesn't happen. Every guy who wants to go on a harmless lunch date with you, wants to have a drink with you, wants to help you study for a final, wants to bang you. It's really that simple. Girls that act aloof when it comes to that fact are playing with fire. They say "oh he doesn't see me like that. we're just friends." They're lying to you and to themselves if they really believe it. If there are girls really that naive and believe straight men just do nice things for them for the sake of being nice and have no hidden agenda, then they're a little too immature for my taste. 1
Radu Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 She either was naive and didn't understand the situation, which will only multiply. Or she was aware of the situation and either has poor boundaries or just didn't care about you. Figure out on your own which is which, see the reaction, and do what Feelsgoodman said. I would actually suggest you practice that kind of stuff in front of a mirror, make scenario's in your head. 1
an6el Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 well let me say one thing... you've been dating for 8 weeks / 2 months to me you're still fresh in your relationship.... second, it's a bar, she's probably just trying to be social and nice, was she at any point touching him or him touching her.... if not then there's not much to get upset over... but still have your guard up....
g450 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Have you talked to her about being exclusive? I assume that you have. If not then she may not see you that way and is keeping her options open. Still, not very classy of her and him to do that in front of you. They both lack respect IMO. I had to deal with this with my Fiance before we got married and were still dating. All her old FBs kept coming over to talk and would act like I was not even there. Or they would call her and she would run into the garage to talk to them. Pissed me off to no end. I let all of them know how I felt about it. We almost broke up over losers like that and her desire to "be nice" to them. I told her to ask them if they want to come over and help you pack. 1
Quiet Storm Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 The guy was totally disrespecting you too and basically treating you like some beta male chump In this scenario, from her perspective, he is the alpha. She should not have disrespected you like this, but you did not have to allow him to do it, too. You need to be more assertive. Not only will others show more respect for you, but you will feel better about yourself. You have every right to feel disrespected, because you were. I don't think she's the one for you. 1
Author whathurtsthemost Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Thank you guys... I was married from 18 to 29, so didnt date much and then got rumbled by a female player which crushed my confidence after a crazy 2 year relationship. My experience in dating is very poor and I doubt my instincts all the time... Wish I could get a quick fix for that. I did speak to her about it yesterday, last night - of course, you speak about these things and it makes you come across as insecure etc... But at least I got her point of view Her point is, yes, she knows the guy wants to get in her pants, but she gets hit on all the time - which I know, thats not my issue - the fact here though, is that she didn't see anything wrong with accepting the attention from a guy who came to her bar, he is a recent "male friend", and waited for it to close to go to grab a drink - she said though that she was waiting for her friend, which is true - things is, she had no problems with letting the guy tag along and buy her drinks, in full knowledge of his intentions. Her answer is obviously, yes I know that, but you should trust me and my ability to know where the line is - my question remains, why encourage non friendly male attention? It means either you have very low self esteem, are not that into me, etc... then there is the alcohol element, her answer is, you need to trust me... My feeling is, you need to earn that trust and if you value what you have with me, why put it at risk? On balance, and as I do have very deep feelings for her, I think it's best not to see her anymore because it wont do me any good - plus Ive lowered her attraction for me by speaking about it - which I think will only lead to one thing... her moving on to something better. She works at night, she wants and deserves to enjoy her free time however she chooses, plus I dont know if she will remain in Spain or not... add that all up, and I think the chances of a future with her are very slim... Any more views, much appreciated... Thanks guys n girls, you really helped so far.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Her answer is obviously, yes I know that, but you should trust me and my ability to know where the line is - my question remains, why encourage non friendly male attention? It means either you have very low self esteem, are not that into me, etc... then there is the alcohol element, her answer is, you need to trust me... My feeling is, you need to earn that trust and if you value what you have with me, why put it at risk? Exactly right. Besides, her behavior does not reflect very positively on her character. This woman is obviously very selfish and has no qualms about using men for attention, validation, free drinks and possibly other financial perks. Users like her do not make for very good relationship material. 1
Emilia Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Her point is, yes, she knows the guy wants to get in her pants, but she gets hit on all the time - which I know, thats not my issue - the fact here though, is that she didn't see anything wrong with accepting the attention from a guy who came to her bar, he is a recent "male friend", and waited for it to close to go to grab a drink - she said though that she was waiting for her friend, which is true - things is, she had no problems with letting the guy tag along and buy her drinks, in full knowledge of his intentions. Her answer is obviously, yes I know that, but you should trust me and my ability to know where the line is - my question remains, why encourage non friendly male attention? It means either you have very low self esteem, are not that into me, etc... then there is the alcohol element, her answer is, you need to trust me... My feeling is, you need to earn that trust and if you value what you have with me, why put it at risk? On balance, and as I do have very deep feelings for her, I think it's best not to see her anymore because it wont do me any good - plus Ive lowered her attraction for me by speaking about it - which I think will only lead to one thing... her moving on to something better. She works at night, she wants and deserves to enjoy her free time however she chooses, plus I dont know if she will remain in Spain or not... add that all up, and I think the chances of a future with her are very slim... Any more views, much appreciated... Thanks guys n girls, you really helped so far. YOu shouldn't be scared of talking about how you feel, the right woman will think very highly of you for it!!! I'm sure other female posters here can concur! However, I don't think this one is worth your time. I'm sorry you fell for her because she might not be a great quality girlfriend. 1
wheream_i Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I did speak to her about it yesterday, last night - of course, you speak about these things and it makes you come across as insecure etc... But at least I got her point of view Her point is, yes, she knows the guy wants to get in her pants, but she gets hit on all the time - which I know, thats not my issue - the fact here though, is that she didn't see anything wrong with accepting the attention from a guy who came to her bar, he is a recent "male friend", and waited for it to close to go to grab a drink - she said though that she was waiting for her friend, which is true - things is, she had no problems with letting the guy tag along and buy her drinks, in full knowledge of his intentions. Her answer is obviously, yes I know that, but you should trust me and my ability to know where the line is - my question remains, why encourage non friendly male attention? It means either you have very low self esteem, are not that into me, etc... then there is the alcohol element, her answer is, you need to trust me... My feeling is, you need to earn that trust and if you value what you have with me, why put it at risk? You could've spoken about this without coming across as insecure. You ask her," Are we together? Yes or no?" If the answer is yes then you tell her," Alright, then that doesn't happen again." The goal is not to scare her away but to put your foot down and make her realize you ain't putting up with her sh*t. With that said, I read that you plan to let her go if you haven't already. You already let her roll over you. Maybe it's just as well. You'll know better next time.
Author whathurtsthemost Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 On a side note, I can tell by your post that you're a nice guy. You need to get some street smarts and learn how to act when another man is hitting on your GF right in front of you (which will happen a lot if your girl is hot and you don't look like some dangerous, intimidating goon). You need to know how to put such guys in their place...preferably without resorting to violence. To give you an example, I was once at a coffee shop with my date and she was ordering her drink. The guy at the counter was some smug iranian son of a b*tch and he immediately started flirting with the girl. She wasn't sure what she was going to get and said she wanted something simple. The counter guy was like "yeah, simple is good, it's important to enjoy the simple things in life!" Keep in mind that it's not just what he said but how he said it and the fact that he was acting like I wasn't even there. So when it was my turn to order, I tell him: "I just want a regular coffee. Is that simple enough for you?" (I said that jokingly, but with enough of a mocking subtone to suggest I was questioning his intellectual abilities). My date actually laughed out at this and the iranian dude was at loss for words and unsuccessfully tried to make some lame joke. And that was the end of it. Feelsgoodman, I like your approach and opinions... But they dont (yet) come natural to me... can I PM you somehow?? Would appreciate it! thanx
Feelsgoodman Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Feelsgoodman, I like your approach and opinions... But they dont (yet) come natural to me... can I PM you somehow?? Would appreciate it! thanx Feel free to do so.
Author whathurtsthemost Posted August 1, 2012 Author Posted August 1, 2012 How do I PM someone here??
udolipixie Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Bit curious as to why you feel like she disrespected you as I'm not seeing how she disrespected you rather than she was friendly unless there was some touching between the two that you didn't mention. From what you posted she didn't ignore you since she approached you and invited you over. The guy knew she had a boyfriend and even seemed to know you so it's likely she was talking about you for quite some time and that she invited you in and included you soldified that to me.
Trimmer Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 How do I PM someone here?? You either need to make it to 50 posts (I think it still is?) before you can enable PMs in your account control panel. Alternately, if you subscribe as a "supporting member" (even for a month) that is waived and you get PM privileges immediately. Either way, it used to be that once you were eligible, you needed to go to the Control Panel and turn it on - PM capability didn't just default to the "On" state. Don't know if it's still that way, but keep that in mind.
proseandpassion Posted August 1, 2012 Posted August 1, 2012 Feelsgood pretty much nailed it. It feels like you're coming here hoping to get answers that put you at ease and erase your doubts. But deep down you know there's an issue otherwise you wouldn't have made this thread. What she did is not acceptable behavior. I don't buy the naive card either. I'm in my 20's, a woman in her 20's BETTER realize there is not one straight man on earth, single or taken, that only wants to be friends with a girl. That doesn't happen. Every guy who wants to go on a harmless lunch date with you, wants to have a drink with you, wants to help you study for a final, wants to bang you. It's really that simple. Girls that act aloof when it comes to that fact are playing with fire. They say "oh he doesn't see me like that. we're just friends." They're lying to you and to themselves if they really believe it. If there are girls really that naive and believe straight men just do nice things for them for the sake of being nice and have no hidden agenda, then they're a little too immature for my taste. Uhh, no. I have a lot of male friends and a lot of my female friends have male friends, too. They are never going to be anything more than that. They have no interest in me sexually and I've witnessed this among many, many others, too. It is possible, believe it or not.
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