morichu Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 What are some of your do's and don't for dating? I'll go ahead and list things that are deal breakers. Keep in mind this is only valid when I'm just meeting the girl. Not for a long term relationship (although some still may apply -Extremely dysfunctional family only because I'd worry about some of her morals -Still good friends with an ex big time red flag for me especially in the beginning stages. Means she's basically testing the waters. -Talks about the ex ALL the time haven't really seen this since my high school days but a big turnoff -Has to have some sort of ambition I'm in college, have a tough major, and have big goals after I graduate. Don't want a girl who has no idea what they're doing nor seems to care that she's failing every class. -Big age difference I'm 22 and I wouldn't date anybody younger than 2 years or older than 4. Like I said before though, I'm a college student and the age gap will expand greatly after I get out in the real world. -Girl who's cheated in the past for obvious reasons
Pasttense Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 This seems an awfully lengthy and complicated set of requirements someone has to meet just to have a date with you. In fact it is not at all clear to me how you find these things out before having a date (and usually several).
ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 My requirements: -university degree (yeah sorry) -having fun and good conversations on the dates -no pressure, no expectations, no "dating rules" -just going with the flow and see where things are going
Author morichu Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 This seems an awfully lengthy and complicated set of requirements someone has to meet just to have a date with you. In fact it is not at all clear to me how you find these things out before having a date (and usually several). I'm not talking about one date. I'm saying after I've been on a few dates and I find this stuff out then I most likely wouldn't pursue them any further
Emilia Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 My requirements: -university degree (yeah sorry) -having fun and good conversations on the dates -no pressure, no expectations, no "dating rules" -just going with the flow and see where things are going Sooooo you can have expectations towards the other person but you don't want their expectations? 2
Emilia Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I'm not talking about one date. I'm saying after I've been on a few dates and I find this stuff out then I most likely wouldn't pursue them any further Most make sense. However it's not a person's fault if their family is dysfunctional. Don't you think it's unfair to hold something against them that they can't help? Smart people learn from mistakes at home anyway and become much better persons because of it
Author morichu Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Most make sense. However it's not a person's fault if their family is dysfunctional. Don't you think it's unfair to hold something against them that they can't help? Smart people learn from mistakes at home anyway and become much better persons because of it This is the one category where I'll have a little leeway. If after getting to know them for a little while, I feel like they're a stable person despite the way their family raised them, I'll look past it. I was lucky that I grew up with a honorable responsible family that does things the right way. So if somebody grew up with a family that is trashy/disrespectful then I'll have to be a little weary about them too. Yeah I guess it's a little unfair but life's not always fair sometimes
carhill Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Keep in mind this is only valid when I'm just meeting the girl. Not for a long term relationship (although some still may apply) IMO, more would be applicable if one's perspective were relationship-centric and long term was the focus from the get-go. If casual dating for social fun, sex or situational companionship, such a list IMO complicates things needlessly. For a LTR or M though, solid. I'll go down the list: -Extremely dysfunctional family - In a LTR or M, one generally interacts with their partner's family and that family influences aspects of the R/M. Compatibility in this area is important, IME. -Still good friends with an ex - This could go two ways. I'd have to meet and interact with the ex independently. -Talks about the ex ALL the time - This happens, even at my age, and indicates the person is emotionally embroiled in the past. I live in the present. -Has to have some sort of ambition - Goals are an aspect I find to be compatible. They don't have to be specifically the same kinds of goals I have but rather something the person is focusing on and seeking to achieve. -Big age difference - Would matter if life viewpoints were markedly different and/or health was an issue. -Girl who's cheated in the past - IME, women who've cheated don't disclose this to a man they're dating. Many female friends have told me of their cheating escapades and that's a clear indicator of my status as a friend and not potential mate. They've specifically shared that they would never talk about such matters with a potential boyfriend or husband. As LTR material, their behaviors and actions indicate synergy or not. Words are words. 1
ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Sooooo you can have expectations towards the other person but you don't want their expectations? I'm not sure I understand. Basically my expectation is that there is no expectation. I certainly hope you don't want to discuss this on the basis of propositional logic...somewhat childish. The only hard fact I "expect" is university degree not too much too ask. @fisht: my dating history is perfectly fine, I always prefered class over mass.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Kindness - This needs no explanation Intelligence - doesn't mean he has to have a degree though. I've met very smart men without degrees. Humor - life is tough, if God didn't give me a good sense of humor I would be tearing my hair out. I always feel blessed for my sense of humor and I need a guy that can take the right moments to be light hearted too. These are musts and are in order of importance. I don't mind if a guy comes from a broken family. I think people can come out of those situations all different kinds of ways. And infact, this might be good because I love my family so much we wouldn't argue about where to spend Christmas. We could just spend it with mine. But I agree about talking about exes. 1
Nicomis Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 1.)Does not have a large group of "guy friends" This means attention whore, and I don't care what anybody says. If she can't maintain healthy relationships with her own sex, she certainly can't with the opposite sex. 2.)Does not come from an "upper middle class" white family I know this sounds strange, but it has been my experience that women from this background are typically spoiled,selfish, and very quick to bail if times get tough. Even girls from "wealthy" families don't act as entitled as the "upper middle class". I'll take a poor, working class, or even a rich girl all day long over the "Tea Party" class. 3.)Must be intelligent I won't require someone have a degree, because a relationship shouldn't be like a job, however if she is less than gifted mentally, I will likely become annoyed fast. 4.)Must love dogs and little girls This, this above all else. 1
Quiet Storm Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Most make sense. However it's not a person's fault if their family is dysfunctional. Don't you think it's unfair to hold something against them that they can't help? Smart people learn from mistakes at home anyway and become much better persons because of it I tell my 16 YO son the same thing when it comes to dating, avoid girls from dysfunctional families and girls that have been sexually abused. I understand it's not their fault and that all of them don't have issues. However, from my life experience, I believe that a person with that background is much more likely to have issues with mental illness, alcoholism, addiction and personality disorders. My sister suffers from BPD due to child sex abuse, and although I love her, I can admit that she will never make a good partner for anyone. Most mentally ill people aren't obviously impaired. They are often normal and outwardly functional. Their issues may not manifest until later in life, such as at a time of crisis. I have seen families torn apart by mental illness or addiction, when at the time of dating and marriage, the person was stable and functional. Although intelligence may be one factor in overcoming these issues, many patterns are deeply ingrained. We aren't born with coping skills, they are taught to us and modeled for us. The way we communicate, share feelings, handle conflict... all of that begins in childhood. Our inner feelings of security, knowing that we are loved and valued, stems from our care early in life. People that were abused often develop the ability to "shut off" or detach from their feelings, because it helped them cope with their abuse. These issues can be overcome, but usually not without counseling. Most of these people have no idea that they are dysfunctional, so don't seek therapy. It is unfair to the person with that history, but my concern is for my son and his future, and my advice to him would be to avoid that risk.
yongyong Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 dysfunctional family.....I think single moms here, would get offended...
an6el Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 it depends who your date is. I told some guys back then about my future plan. I want to get married by the year 2012 or have a kid by then. I wanted this many kids, I wanted blah blah blah... Of course I wanted to scare the guys away but one of the guy was stupid. He thought I wanted to marry him by the year 2012 when we haven't even dated and I told him I only date white guys, he was asian! (personal reason I almost made out with my own blood cousin, who I've never seen, met, or heard of) but anyways.... yeah....
irin Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 thats a bit unfair i come from what would be considered a dysfunctional family, even though my parents are still married, our family history is NUTS, i dont drink or do drugs, i dont party ever, i study have worked in the past, and looking to work, i dont date or sleep around, my history makes me desperate for a normal, drama free, stable life!
Green Light Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 My requirements: -university degree (yeah sorry) Do you also require a resume and at least three references?
RedRobin Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 What are some of your do's and don't for dating? I'll go ahead and list things that are deal breakers. -Extremely dysfunctional family Family are the people you are born with. Friends are the family you choose. After the age of about 25 or so, I'd be paying much more attention to the behavior of their friends... Regarding family drama though... I agree with Carhill. Compatibility with family is important to me. Everyone's family has some degree of dysfunction. It's all about how they deal with it and how much of it involves me. -Still good friends with an ex I expect that they will be civil and on good terms with their ex. I'm very wary of the slash-and-burners who leave a trail of pain wherever they go. -Talks about the ex ALL the time Anyone who talks about any one thing all the time is boring. Agreed. I'm not their therapist. -Has to have some sort of ambition Someone who is passionate about something is a priority for me, yes. Just engaged in life and curious about the world around them. -Big age difference +/- five years is my priority. I've made exceptions up or down that scale for exceptional men... but these days, I won't go over +5 for any man. The older man/younger woman entitlement needs to change, and I've got an activist streak. -cheated in the past for obvious reasons No way of knowing if they are telling you the truth. Best just to observe actions. See above for comments...
Author morichu Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 1.)Does not have a large group of "guy friends" This means attention whore, and I don't care what anybody says. If she can't maintain healthy relationships with her own sex, she certainly can't with the opposite sex. That's another good one I forgot to put down. I know quite a few girls that fit this category and I can't think of any of them that have had long lasting relationships. A lot of times they just go around their circle of guy friends and date each one for like 2-3 months lol
It's Just Me Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Oooooo... I love conversations about dealbreakers. A few of mine can be split into 'on paper' (hard facts, photos) and 'via the discovery phase' (soft facts, more subjective). I'm 47, by the way. On paper: 1. A Harley biker look/lifestyle. Always evident in online dating photos. 2. The absence of interest in being active (I'm a hiker and cyclist) 3. Anything that looks like a beer gut (see point #2) 4. Long hair 5. Tom Selleck-style mustache. He's trapped in his past/youth. Via discovery phase: 1. Has not been separated for more than a year 2. Does not have his sh*t together with respect to personal life (sorry, but I do) 3. Hates the ex, and is in continual conflict about their kids 4. Has lied about his physical appearance in some way 5. Does not own a car/can't drive due to DUI. Grow up. 6. Chronically unemployed due to bad choices/behaviour. See point #2. 7. Bad with money/paying bills on time. This is a big one. Go ahead. Flame away...
ThingsAreComplicated Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Do you also require a resume and at least three references? interesting thought, I might add this to my dating routine. Oh wait, I just started a relationship and she has a university degree. Well let's see what the future holds
utterlyfrivolous23 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Has to have an open mind - I'm a very adventurous and curious person. I have to date a guy that has an open mind about trying new food, travelling and unorthodox ideals. I'm not saying that he has to agree with them but he has to at least be willing to try new things. Shared interests - Like i said before, I have a very wide range of interests. I've realized that I've had a hard time connecting with guys that don't share at least two of my interests. Plus, it's much easier to plan dates if we have similar interests. These are musts before I can even go on a first date with a guy. Some 'Don'ts' are... Constant Partying/Drinking - I'm in college too and I've found that I don't connect with people who party a lot. I don't know why. Probably because I don't like partying. Indecisive People - I just can't deal with it at all. It annoys me to no end. Just one of my pet peeves
WonderKid Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Has to have open mind Because I have an open mind. And close minds don't expand that well. Dysfunctional Family I've grew up around this so I'm not big on it if she has it. But if she's dwelling too much into it and letting it control her future, then no. College Degree It is 2012. And if you put 20 people in a room about 7 will have one. Others are in Community College and stuff. Not a big deal for me. Goals As long as she has a drive for improving herself its cool. Partying/Drinking Not a thing for me. I'm not a partier Age Difference I'd go as high as 30--I'm only 22. I won't mess with 18 or 19 yr olds though. Shared Interests Yes. It makes conversations more comfortable. Still good friends with ex As long as she doesn't take it to another level then its cool Talks about ex all the time Okay but to a certain point, stop. Because I don't give a damn about what your ex did. Focus on me right now.
Recommended Posts