How should i escape the friendzone?

[Acura]

hello loveshack, so i've been friendzoned . i met this girl named Jennifer during junior year ( 3 years ago) and during that time she had a boyfriend (first boyfriend/love) of a few years, but they broke up during the beginning of senior year.Ever since they broke up, i was always there for her. keep in mind, i am a good friend of her ex) College came and they both attended different schools. 1st semester came by and i could tell shes trying her best to move on and everything was going great until all of a sudden, her ex couldn't take losing such a perfect girl (which is why im falling for her) so he started to talk to her again, but shes was trying her best to avoid him in the beginning. i was basically the middleman helping both their situation.( at this time, i had no feelings for her whatsoever.) so i was helping her ex trying to get back at her. he managed to forced himself back into her life and now, jennifer have mixed feelings if she should get back with him or not. she said he could make her happy, but still have a long way to go to be in a relationship with him again. her ex is constantly trying his best,to get back together.

 

So during the time when i was helping out her ex getting back together, i was slowly falling for her. we text EVERYDAY since the day they broke up and hangout sometimes late at night. shes perfect in every way and she meets all my expectation for a girl i would love to marry one day. she always seem very happy when we talk, we never had any arguments which seems very strange because all the other girls i met in my life, at least at one point we would disagrees and argue about it. maybe we both just don't want to lose each other as a friend

 

To the point where i fell for her hard, i tried my best to escape the friendzone and just move on with my life, BUT she manages to come back every time i tried. for example, if don't text her back, she would still continue talking, and i would feel really bad if i just ignore her. but there's a lot of times i just straight up ignore her, but she somehow manages to make me reply. i just don't want to lose her as a friend. sometimes when shes drunk, she text me saying that she loves me. these text just makes me over think a lot.

 

what keeps me thinking is when i hang out with other girls, she seems really jealous, she doesn't say it,but all of a sudden she brings up conversations of other guys she think is cute. its funny how this goes.

 

i did my research on escaping the friendzone and just move on, but it's just way to hard. shes literally perfect in every way and i am too scared to lose her as a friend. there are times when we are together alone in some nice environment, it seems like shes trying to see if i would make a move first.... but i don't because of being good friends with her ex and risking our friendship. sometimes i'm just thinking she is just using me for now until one day they get back together again.

i have a really strong feeling knowing that she knows i have a crush on her. sometimes when she talks about other guys, my mood changes and i could tell she knows it.

 

i am really trying to move on, but it's just too hard because of the way she acts when i am trying to escape. i am just too in love with her. i literally know everything about her, she does too, its just seems like shes just messing with my feelings, some days i get really jealous and sad when i see her hanging out with her ex again and when that happens, i know she could tell my mood changes. what should i do?

Edited July 12, 2012 by Acura

[carhill]

'I realize, because of my feelings for you, that this friendship is unhealthy for me, so I must discontinue'.

 

Simple and direct. Then act. She might not like it but, if she's healthy, she'll respect you. If she's using you, she'll 'poof'. That's a gift. IMO, her reaction will define whether or not she's truly a friend of yours. Good luck.

[MrNate 2.0]

I would say get more women into your life. Then see how she acts.

 

Hell, you might just be surprised.

[Acura]

thanks for the advice.

so yesterday night i went to some sightseeing place near my house as a regular hangout, we stared at each other for a while for a few times eye to eye, but nothing lasted more than 5 second since its either one of us that looked away first. she also constantly play with her hair a lot. and she rbought up one of my friend i was hanging out with a few nights before, she misheard me and thought i said "i could picture us together" her voice toned changed quite a lot(surprised) for a few seconds, but i told her i meant "i cannot picture us together. "later on we walked together on the side of a lake. she kept on saying it was so beautiful. i really want to make a move but the only thing that stopped me from doing this is, she was constantly texting her ex every once in a while. it really sucks. we do walk fairly close to each other, bumping at times, but i really hate to make a move knowing that she is talking to her ex. after i sent her home, my head was filled with thoughts asking myself " what if.... " do you guys think i am ready to tell her how i feel about her? its just her ex that is keeping me away

[carhill]

As long as there's an ex in the picture, she's not truly available to a man whom she's been friends with.

 

What would happen if you made the same 'moves' on her that the ex she just can't seem to make a decision about has been making? He doesn't seem to be too bothered by her rejections regarding them getting back together.

 

Be aware a woman can exhibit behaviors which appear to be 'inviting' or 'flirtatious' with full knowledge that she doesn't feel anything for the person and is just seeking a response. I've experienced nearly all forms of ersatz love/attraction and stuff like this is textbook.

 

There are billions of people in the world. Even if only thousands of those billions have the potential of becoming true friends and/or lovers, what is she compared to them. Navel lint

[thatone]

no it isn't the ex, it's her that's keeping you away.

 

disappear. stop answering texts, stop meeting her. if she confronts you tell her that you're not interested in hanging around while she texts an ex, goodbye.

[carhill]

Yep, throwing up a boundary will usually get the poof from an ersatz person. You'll be made out as the bad person/non-person and then the next person in line will get the 'opportunity'.

[yongyong]

simple answer, change your attitude to 'Blow me or Blow me out'

 

I would push the limit even though it will jeopardize your friendship.

(if you stay as friends, what would make a difference? how about watching her going home with another guy, she later cries on your shoulder because he f-ed her in the ass and dumped her?)

[fishtaco]

Getting out of the friendzone may or may not be possible, because it takes two. You could play the perfect game, and it could still fail. Because a human being isn't a static target.

 

There are things you can do. The basic dating 101 strategy says you go from hot to cold, then let her accidentally find out you're seeing other women. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Generally, trying to break out of the friendzone isn't worth it. But that strategy is useful, because it gets you out there and looking at other women.

 

Ideally, you should just forget her and move on. But if it makes you feel better, use the strategy, since there's low percentage she may come around. You'll be doing the right thing anyway... cut back with her, date other women.

[Shaun-Dro]

hello loveshack, so i've been friendzoned . i met this girl named Jennifer during junior year ( 3 years ago) and during that time she had a boyfriend (first boyfriend/love) of a few years, but they broke up during the beginning of senior year.Ever since they broke up, i was always there for her. keep in mind, i am a good friend of her ex) College came and they both attended different schools. 1st semester came by and i could tell shes trying her best to move on and everything was going great until all of a sudden, her ex couldn't take losing such a perfect girl (which is why im falling for her) so he started to talk to her again, but shes was trying her best to avoid him in the beginning. i was basically the middleman helping both their situation.( at this time, i had no feelings for her whatsoever.) so i was helping her ex trying to get back at her. he managed to forced himself back into her life and now, jennifer have mixed feelings if she should get back with him or not. she said he could make her happy, but still have a long way to go to be in a relationship with him again. her ex is constantly trying his best,to get back together.

 

So during the time when i was helping out her ex getting back together, i was slowly falling for her. we text EVERYDAY since the day they broke up and hangout sometimes late at night. shes perfect in every way and she meets all my expectation for a girl i would love to marry one day. she always seem very happy when we talk, we never had any arguments which seems very strange because all the other girls i met in my life, at least at one point we would disagrees and argue about it. maybe we both just don't want to lose each other as a friend

 

To the point where i fell for her hard, i tried my best to escape the friendzone and just move on with my life, BUT she manages to come back every time i tried. for example, if don't text her back, she would still continue talking, and i would feel really bad if i just ignore her. but there's a lot of times i just straight up ignore her, but she somehow manages to make me reply. i just don't want to lose her as a friend. sometimes when shes drunk, she text me saying that she loves me. these text just makes me over think a lot.

 

what keeps me thinking is when i hang out with other girls, she seems really jealous, she doesn't say it,but all of a sudden she brings up conversations of other guys she think is cute. its funny how this goes.

 

i did my research on escaping the friendzone and just move on, but it's just way to hard. shes literally perfect in every way and i am too scared to lose her as a friend. there are times when we are together alone in some nice environment, it seems like shes trying to see if i would make a move first.... but i don't because of being good friends with her ex and risking our friendship. sometimes i'm just thinking she is just using me for now until one day they get back together again.

i have a really strong feeling knowing that she knows i have a crush on her. sometimes when she talks about other guys, my mood changes and i could tell she knows it.

 

i am really trying to move on, but it's just too hard because of the way she acts when i am trying to escape. i am just too in love with her. i literally know everything about her, she does too, its just seems like shes just messing with my feelings, some days i get really jealous and sad when i see her hanging out with her ex again and when that happens, i know she could tell my mood changes. what should i do?

 

You need to forget about getting with this girl. Too many missteps along the way for anything to work.

 

Another thing. She isn't perfect. Get that through your head. Clearly, you are deluding yourself into believing that, but it isn't true. It never will be!

[Acura]

thanks for the replies!

i was actually going to ask to meet her up tonight and tell her, but after reading these replies made me rethink....

i still want to confess my feelings to her just to get it off my chest. its driving me crazy, i just want to tell her. if things dontt work out, i will at least KNOW how she feels about me and suck it up and move on. should i just pull the trigger and see where it goes? at the same time.... i really dont want to lose our friendship. its just driving me crazy having so many thoughts in my mind at this period of time in life.

[thatone]

so do it and get her over with. it's pretty simple...

 

"hey, i'm attracted to you, i'm not interested in hanging around while you wish your ex would come back, we have no reason to see each other again, bye".

 

and walk away.

[yongyong]

don't be stupid. Is she an asian girl or something? it will never work in America. She will say 'ah you are sweet. I like you as a Friend though'

she will go to some guy's house that night and get pounded.

 

If you want to get it off your chest, just escalate physically without saying.

you don't meet a girl, tell her how you like her and then escalate. have her come over, have some drink and Push To the Limit.

If she doesn't like it and leave, just show her face. Leave her alone and wait to see if she contacts you.

 

 

 

 

thanks for the replies!

i was actually going to ask to meet her up tonight and tell her, but after reading these replies made me rethink....

i still want to confess my feelings to her just to get it off my chest. its driving me crazy, i just want to tell her. if things dontt work out, i will at least KNOW how she feels about me and suck it up and move on. should i just pull the trigger and see where it goes? at the same time.... i really dont want to lose our friendship. its just driving me crazy having so many thoughts in my mind at this period of time in life.

[MrCastle]

Just go no contact. It will suck at first but eventually your feelings for her will fade and you'll see she wasn't so special.

 

A single, straight man, cannot be friends with a female he finds attractive. That is unnatural behavior. It's unacceptable.

 

The only time I can see it working is if they tried hooking up/dating and it didn't work, but they wanted to maintain contact because they still enjoyed each other's company at some level.

 

Anything else doesn't work.

 

I'd rather deny a girl's attempt to friend zone me and walk away with my self respect, than subject myself to that garbage. Hell, even if she thinks I'm just some pervy creeper who bailed as soon as he realized he wasn't gonna have sex; I'd still prefer that over being her castrated, emasculated "friend"

[madjac74]

If you were really a good friend of her ex then you wouldn't have sights on his girl after they just broke up.

[WonderKid]

A single, straight man, cannot be friends with a female he finds attractive. That is unnatural behavior. It's unacceptable.

 

This will keep you out of such things. If you're attracted to her, imply that to her. Either your can be her BF or nothing at all.

[piggyoink]

A single, straight man, cannot be friends with a female he finds attractive. That is unnatural behavior. It's unacceptable.

 

 

Most of my friends, both in real life and online are female.

[MrCastle]

Most of my friends, both in real life and online are female.

 

How many are you sleeping with?

[Acura]

Hi guys, so i actually told her how i felt a month or so ago. yes, she turned me down and said i am too good to loose anyways, i felt much better and have confident that i can move on easily.

 

After a few weeks, i felt my feelings for her are slowly fading away and i was happy about that ( never thought my feelings for her could fade that easily). things were going good, i tried to distant myself away from her by doing my own things (working,hanging out with friends, school etc etc) but the problem is that she started to get upset lately on how i act towards her (slow replies, too busy to hangout with her, etc ) last week when i didn't talk to her for one day, she called me saying how she misses me and really loves me as a best friend .

She told me she really wants me to be in her life. i told her that my feelings for her are fading and she would just deny it -.-. Whenever she does this, my feelings for her comes back and i would feel like how i felt before. it sucks. When i could move on, she literally just drags be back into the circle. i do want to keep this girl as a friend, but at the same time it's hard for me to deal with this. what should i do?

[somedude81]

Sucks dude, sounds really confusing.

 

She wants you in her life but not in her.

 

If you don't care about losing her as a friend, make a real move, let her turn you down and put some distance between you.

 

What that will do is make her realize that she can't really be in your life unless she is in a relationship with you.

[Acura]

Sucks dude, sounds really confusing.

 

She wants you in her life but not in her.

 

If you don't care about losing her as a friend, make a real move, let her turn you down and put some distance between you.

 

What that will do is make her realize that she can't really be in your life unless she is in a relationship with you.

 

That's actually a really good adivce lol. i'll consider that .but as of now, the time ain't right.

[somedude81]

Fair enough.

 

The timing is all up to you.

 

Her still wanting you to be in her life and missing you after you confessed does put you in a unique situation.

[spiderowl]

As a female, I know the what it's like to love someone as a friend and feel they are really special, but still feel they would not work out as a lover. There may be all sorts of reasons for this. A guy can have different interests, or just not be your type sexually. If that's the case then getting involved with him in that way would ultimately be hurtful to him because the sexual relationship would not last. I have a friend I want to be close to, to be able to spend time with and would even consider a sexual relationship with, but I know he's too geeky for me, he smokes and I don't like that, and he drinks to excess. He's a sweet guy but he's not right for me long term. If I let him get more involved, I'd be hurting him. I don't want to lose him as a friend though. I may have to, if he can't cope with being a friend.

 

Women are not heartless creatures who friendzone guys. Sometimes the match is just not quite right and then it's a question of how to avoid worse pain in the long run, for both.

[Bristolius]

As a female, I know the what it's like to love someone as a friend and feel they are really special, but still feel they would not work out as a lover. There may be all sorts of reasons for this. A guy can have different interests, or just not be your type sexually. If that's the case then getting involved with him in that way would ultimately be hurtful to him because the sexual relationship would not last. I have a friend I want to be close to, to be able to spend time with and would even consider a sexual relationship with, but I know he's too geeky for me, he smokes and I don't like that, and he drinks to excess. He's a sweet guy but he's not right for me long term. If I let him get more involved, I'd be hurting him. I don't want to lose him as a friend though. I may have to, if he can't cope with being a friend.

 

Women are not heartless creatures who friendzone guys. Sometimes the match is just not quite right and then it's a question of how to avoid worse pain in the long run, for both.

 

A nicely written explanation of the other side of awkward situations like this.

[Yamaha]

Tell her you can be her friend but you are wanting a gf and are pursuing that endevor. Her time will be severly limited when you get a gf. If she's really your friend she will understand this and encourage you. If not then she's just a attention seeker and selfish.