UK_1 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) This is my first post on the forums, found this site while browsing the internet for similar experiences. Anyways, i will try and keep it as short as i can, thanks for your responses in advance. Basically my girlfriend spent a romantic weekend with another guy while visiting another country. A little background about my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 and a half years. We are in our mid 20's, and we started dating in school, and after about 5 months of dating, moved in together. We fit really well together, and didn't have any issues with our relationship that couldn't be solved. After living together for about 9 months it became a long distance relationship for the last year, as she had moved to another city (a little less than 5 hours drive away) to attend school. She really wanted me to come with her, but due to finances and my own schooling, she moved alone. We saw each other on a monthly basis, sometimes multiple times in a month, and saw each other for holidays, and school breaks. I have been madly in love with this girls since i first saw her, and have been absolutely nothing but good to her, and really pride myself in being a "good guy". I was always there for her, and finally ended up moving out to live with her recently. Due to the timing, i ended up moving alone as she had just left for a month or so to another country for an internship with her class. I suppose while there she grew attached to another guy from her group. It started off that they clicked well, and she could talk about her day and talk through the issues with him. She then kissed him while drunk, which she was upset about, and broke down crying to him and then they started flirting back and forth for a little bit. She says that with the work she was doing there and being away had its emotional toll and that's what caused it, and knowing her pretty well i do believe that. Anyways, basically the last week or so she was there they would flirt and maybe kiss and hug every now and then. When the program ended she told me she was going to be late coming home, because she wanted to do some sightseeing on the way back. Meanwhile I am still waiting to see her in a new apartment. She tells me that its just her and this guy that are going, and they are basically camping and sightseeing for an additional 4 days. I ask her to promise me that she will be good (at this point i don't know about any of this that's been going on). She comes back and i can feel that there is something wrong, but she just says that she is adjusting. Finally 2 days after being back it all comes out. She says it was a foolish romantic weekend, and they kissed and cuddled and hugged. The furthest they got was touching and groping each other through clothes and that happened once. I saw some texts from her phone, she questioned what the weekend was and what it meant, etc,etc...Now she is back and she is sorry, and she loves me and made a mistake, and her honest answer is that she herself doesn't know what it was or why she did it but she deeply regrets it , etc. I told her i would forgive her this once, (I still love her very much, and am more devastated and depressed than angry so i just said it because i did want to forgive) but if anything like this happens again I would leave her, and she thanked me and promised me that it wouldn't. I know this was the first time anything has happened between her and another guy.I also believe her that it was confusion, being out of place, and having a shoulder to cry on out there that probably led to this, but im still very hurt. Now the more that i think about it, Im not sure if i really can forgive her ( the brain keeps working at making this very difficult and painful and imagining it is heart-wrenching) and i don't want to go back on what i said, and truly do want it to work....but i dont know if i can let go of what happened, or trust her in the future. Especially because i made such a big commitment to moving here to be with her ( leaving job, friends, family behind), and this is the first thing that happens..... Can anyone lend any advice? Edited July 12, 2012 by UK_1
g450 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Well you probably wont like what I have to say but here goes... You are both way too young to sweat over this. She is young and apparently wants to sow her oats. And you have only been together a short time and she is already straying. It's pretty clear cut from where Im sitting. Just let her go. Your young and will meet other women and dare I say you will have many other relationships in your youth so just enjoy your life. When the right one comes along you will know it. THis one is not it. At least not in this early stage of your life.
Author UK_1 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Well you probably wont like what I have to say but here goes... You are both way too young to sweat over this. She is young and apparently wants to sow her oats. And you have only been together a short time and she is already straying. It's pretty clear cut from where Im sitting. Just let her go. Your young and will meet other women and dare I say you will have many other relationships in your youth so just enjoy your life. When the right one comes along you will know it. THis one is not it. At least not in this early stage of your life. I really do want her to be the one, and until this point i was very sure of it ( I know im young, but it's been love since first sight for me). Like i said i love this girl more than anything, and i know the moments we had were very real...i just dont want to throw it away so easily.
FryFish Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Dude, she ****ed this other guy... certainly on their camping weekend and probably for that WHOLE MONTH... She is garbage, send her away.
Author UK_1 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Dude, she ****ed this other guy... certainly on their camping weekend and probably for that WHOLE MONTH... She is garbage, send her away. I know how you would jump to that conclusion since you know very little about my situation (only what ive been able to explain in 3 paragraphs, but I know she did not have sex with him...)
venusianx13 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I want you to know that I really feel for you. I have been where you are, and I know how much it hurts. However, I want to be honest with you. A month is not a very long time for her to be away and stray from you with another man. When my (ex)boyfriend of 3 and 1/2 years took an internship in China for his career, something very similar happened. A few weeks into his 3 month internship, he became distant with me, began missing our skype dates, neglecting to call me, etc. I was a nervous mess over here, while he was out there, getting close to a Chinese girl he met. By a month in, he was sleeping with her (I found out later). He told me he wanted to be single, I let him go. After 1.5 months, he reached out to me, saying he was sorry, that he had made a friend, it had gone too far, he was lonely in a foreign country, etc., and that he wanted me back and to please wait for him. I was nearly over him when he reached out to me, yet when he poured his heart out, it rekindled those old memories. **I wish I'd never opened that email.** While he maintained to me that nothing more had ensued with this girl, once he came back to the US, I came to find out that he never stopped sleeping with her. You see, the girl wrote me and told me. I was so devastated. However, he somehow convinced me that his heart was always with me, that he loved only me, it was a mistake, he came home to be with ME, and so on. I stuck with him for 2 more years. All of it was hell. He had established himself as an unfaithful, dishonest, sorry excuse for a man and he time and time again proved it to be true. Once upon a time, I would have put money on him being "the one." Looking back, those were the most heart-wrenching and wasted years of my mid to late 20's. I wasted too much time on someone who didn't deserve my trust or my devotion. This is one of my biggest regrets. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you love her. But love yourself enough to see what she's already established about her character and make a clean break. I know it's heartbreaking... but if I could go back and not have given my ex a second chance (and then to follow, a third, a fourth, a fifth), I would take that chance to do things over in a heartbeat. Be strong and be true to yourself. You deserve better than this.
AH1990 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 ...but I know she did not have sex with him... How do you know that? Just remember, cheaters will ALWAYS leave a detail out of the story. It helps soften the blow and put themselves more at ease.
FryFish Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I know how you would jump to that conclusion since you know very little about my situation (only what ive been able to explain in 3 paragraphs, but I know she did not have sex with him...) lol... I know more than enough about "your" situation... She ****ed him... many many times.
Author UK_1 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 she didnt and i dont want to go into details on how i know nor do i want to argue with you over it...
venusianx13 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 (edited) Unfortunately, I have to agree with the two posters above... from experience, I know this to be true. It may not be quite the case for you, but it tends to be general rule with cheaters - they will reveal partial truths, or omit details. When people offered me advice when I was going through what you are, I didn't listen. (I wish I had!!) My heart was able to stamp out my gut feeling, somehow. I think you are in touch with what your gut is telling you... don't ignore it. Edited July 12, 2012 by venusianx13
Author UK_1 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 yea, but for the sake of analyzing the situation, if she did tell me everything and lets say nothing was omited. (again for the sake of argument) and maybe it was a mistake, is there really no room for forgiveness? its kinda interesting that no one has even argued for it. Mostly just jumping on the she f***** him and dump her train.
venusianx13 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 You must love her a lot... I don't believe your situation is doomed to end just as badly as mine did, but it was just so similar, I thought I'd caution you strongly before you decide to give her another chance. If you do give her another chance, make it concisely ONE MORE CHANCE and be ready to stick by it. Also, don't repress any of your feelings toward her, let them out, do as much communicating as you can, or it will all turn to resentment which will eat away at the relationship in the long term.
FryFish Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 she didnt and i dont want to go into details on how i know nor do i want to argue with you over it... You DONT know... You didnt even know she was "flirty/kissy" with him until she got back and told you... That is how they do it man... The lie/minimize... Did you **** anyone while she was away? If not then she isnt playing fair with you. Let her go, or be prepared to come back here at some future point and tell me I was right and how you wish you had listened.
jnj express Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Hey UK---let's get something straight---You don't know anything do you, you know you wanna believe her, and you have turned your life upside down, to go to her---so in your eyes, she did wrong, but it just couldn't be, anything more than what she says Guess what UK, those who are talking to you, they know, what they are speaking of---they have all lived it, now you are living it Why are you here, if all you wanna do is argue with everyone---digest what you want, ignore what you want---but for goodness sake---listen to the experience, that is talking to you Go back and look at this, she knows the guy only one month, she knows you are leaving your life, as you knew it to support her, and you move down and are waiting for her---she has been gone a month, and what does she do, she goes and spends 4 days with a single male just the 2 of them alone---after she lied to you about the trip in the 1st place----Do we have these facts straight Do you honestly think they did nothing more than grope---OK, lets say that's all they did, for the sake of argument What the F. is she doing going and spending 4 days camping with a single male in the 1st place, when she is in a relationship with you---you wanna answer that for me----She/You, call this a mistake---it wasn't a mistake---IT WAS A PLANED SERIES OF CHOICES BY YOUR ALLEGED GF. She knew you were waiting, she supposedly loves you--yet what did she do----how many stop signs did she choose to go thru---lets see----they got together, and planned this---stop sign #1, even while knowing you were waiting---they transported themselves to the camping site---stop sign #2---even while she knew you were waiting---she spent 4 days with him---playing house---stop sign #3- even while she knew you were waiting--- they had physical contact --stop sign #4, even while she knew you were waiting---I could go on and on, hopefully you got the point---THIS WAS NOT A MISTAKE---this was a series of choices by her, AND SHE F'ing CHOSE AGAINST YOU, AND FOR THE OTHER GUY Tell me, are you gonna argue agst. the facts----Oh I know, you love her, OK, so you wanna stay with her, and you are giving her, her 2nd chance------that 2nd chance had better come with a lot more than just your words, that you will leave---cuz they are meaningless---she just got away with spreading her legs for her foreign lover, and you darn well know it---what the H. do you think they did alone, by themselves for 4 full days---while drinking, and whatever else----do you think, they went hiking, maybe he trapped fish, and she cooked, they sunbathed, swam---they were alone for 4 days---they had sex---if you don't believe me---at least MAKE HER TAKE A POLY---and you, yourself, had better get checked for STD, if you have been physical with her. If you stay, and I am not sure why you would, since she has no problem cheating on you---there had better be some heavy restrictive boundaries set in, with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES, not words----ACTIONS Good luck to you, enjoy your future as a parole officer---but if you don't become/stay harsh, and you stay with her, she will cheat again, cuz she knows she can get away with it---cuz you did nothing this time One last thing---if this relationship is to go forward---you need to find out the deep down core WHY she did this and fix it---and that should be the deciding factor, as to whether this relationship moves forward---not your love for this so called wonderful partner of yours. 3
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