CailinPig Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Yikes. The very first time i came onto loveshack was a few years back, because my bf had dumped me after a few years together. he was my first love. we've had a mixed up history, too long to explain. It's so hard to pull away from him, even though we've been broken up 5 years!! Anyway, he lives in a completely different country and his mam hasn't been well. He emailed me to tell me she has died. She was only 42, a wonderful woman. It devastated me. But he also emailed saying 'i need you. you're beautiful. no one else will ever compare'. This is not the first time he's said it. He has a girlfriend of two years, and things haven't been going well with them. I really thought his mam dying, would put things in perspective for him, and so I perhaps placed more significance on what he said to me. That was two days ago, and I've come down to earth with a bump. I've cried a lot, for many reasons - his mother dying, him feeling awful, and me thinking he would want me back. Call me stupid, I certainly am, but I can't help it when my heartstrings pull like that. I am 28, and I have never ever had anyone else in my life who understood me so well, looked past my faults and wanted to know me even though I pushed them away. It's nearly impossible to break free from him, when no one else seems to want me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting at home waiting for him to rescue me. Believe me, I've been out and about, hoping to meet someone. But it just has never happened. Single five years. It's getting to the stage where my friends are getting engaged, married and having kids, and I'm the girl left on the shelf, crying into her pillow at night, cos it hurts so bad to be alone, even after 5 years. I don't even know why I'm writing this, because I'm not even asking a question or looking for a solution. I just am really so alone. I do have fantastic friends, a big bunch of them, and men are interested in me and fancy me and want to kiss me, but that's all that ever happens. I don't want to spend my life alone. I love my ex boyfriend, I always will. I'm just hurt, and don't understand why I deserve years of pain and heartbreak and my friends all deserve happiness with the men in their lives. I feel like I'm being punished.
Nancy B Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Hi Cailin, Wow, that is a major emotional roller coaster to go through. Those were some serious words he told you. I bet you dreamed of him saying it many times before. Now, they've come out of the blue and its a real shocker. I guess you gotta sit tight now as he goes through his waves of emotions. I'm sorry for both of your losses. It is significant that he reached out to you, but for now, sit tight. He may be holding onto dead memories of his mother which included you. His mam may also have been very fond of you and this too would make him want to reach out. Did you guys stay friends in the past five years? Was it an amicable break up?
Author CailinPig Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Yeah we've stayed in contact the last 5 years, but this is not uncommon for him to hint at stuff like this. I just feel like there's nothing I can do, and I have to be this wall that he bounces his idea's off. Last night he said 'i wish i was still going out with you' and then he said 'even thinking about you makes me smile' so I challenged him and said 'it can't make you smile too much if you're choosing to not go out with me!!' and he just never replied!! Head in the sand syndrome. I know, in reality, there is no proper solution to this, except for to essentially ignore when he says these things, and continue with my life. But it's like someone dangles something in front of you, and you want it, and for a day or two feel like you can have it, and then it's swiped away again, and you feel just like you did at the point of the break up. I don't really know a way out. We're not friends on Skype or Facebook. We don't have each other's phone numbers. But the contact always goes another path - he can still mail me on Facebook. And I still want that contact.
Nancy B Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 So from what your saying it seems like he hints at these romantic notions every so often. It seems like he still wants to know he could go back to you if he ever wanted to. The problem with this is, it is disrespectful to you and to his current gf. Like you say, if he wanted to be with you, you are game. So what's stopping him. I'm assuming he's similar aged to you? He should be mature enough to know better that this behavior. If this was an isolated event it could've passed as emotions being all over the shop after recent circumstances. However, I think you should make a stand. Let him know you are here for him as a friend. Tell him to save romantic allusions until hes willing to act on them. Then I think you should try forget about him. Perhaps holding onto him is holding you back from finding happiness. I can relate to your pain of seeing happiness all around and feeling you got the short end of the stick. I keep telling myself, we make our own happiness. At the moment, I don't genuinely feel this, but I hope to some day. Don't waste more time on him. 1
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