presley1 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Like I said, I am in need of advice for my brother. I have reached the end of my advice for him. First some background. He is 27 and she is 25. Both educated with good jobs and decent income for their ages. They were married only one year ago and dated for one year prior to marriage. She has been married once before that only lasted a year also and that was when she was 20. Every since he started dating her, she was accepted into our family very quickly and has been good friends with our sisters too. My Brother works full time and started his own business about the time that they were getting married. So he has to devote a lot of time and energy to may both work until he can quit his job and be supported by his business. His wife also has a good job that takes her to others cities for conferences and meetings from time to time. At first, everything was lovey dovey as new marriages are. Then the problems began. She would harp on him all the time to go out or to the movies or with friends, etc. They would get into it over this because he was either A. working too much to go or B. was so tired that when they went out he was a stick in the mud. So she started occasionally going out with girlfriends with out him. At first, he liked this because she wasn't nagging him about going out and he could focus on work. Then the girls nights out became more frequent until it was every other night, every weekend, etc. She would occasionaly not even come home from her partying and said she just stayed the nights with friends. Keep in mind we all live in a very small town and everybody pretty much knows everybody. About three weeks ago she drops the bomb on him that she's not happy and may want a divorce. He of course panics, does some self reflection and figures that if he spent more time doing stuff with her, it would improve their relationship. She told him that it's probably too late and that she felt numb about their marriage. She decided that some time apart was required and was leaving for a conference that weekend in NYC. Her mother was going with her for the fun of it and she promised that she would discuss it with her and get advice and when she returned, would move out with friends for a couple of weeks for "space". Upon returning from the conference, she moved in with a friend as planned. Her parents visited my brother a couple of days later and was asking where she was? He told them everything that happened and they were flooored. She didn't even mention it to her mom. After a week of being gone, she just showed back up at home on a Sunday, stating that she was home, didn't feel any different, but that living with friends wasn't working either. Since then, it's been miserable for him. He loves her very much and wants to make this work. But, she doesn't seem to want to try at all. Oh, one other big thing. Every since this started, she has been veeery protective of her cell phone and has changed the password to unlock it. He brought up to her that she might be fooling around but she of course denies it. She states she would never do that because her previous husband cheated and she knows what that is like emotionaly. Plus, she says she feels totally numb towards physical contact with anyone and sex is the farthest thing from her mind. I think anyone's capable of it, but I don't see her cheating.....My brother has told me that she has never been that sexual, even when they first started seeing each other. Anyway, now she has recently bought a new vehicle, orders tons of clothes off the internet and says she is broke. She makes good money and shouldn't be. But she has been asking my brother for money to pay for simple things like gas and food money. He of course gives it to her to look like a good guy to her and knows it will only cause an argument if he brings it up. There's tons more of her odd behavior that I am leaving out here, but what does everyone think? Cheating or some other emotional problem like depression. It is very similar to a friend's wife that had similar problems until diagnosed with depression. Now, after some prozac, they have a great marriage. Thanks for any help in advace......
Author presley1 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Sorry, more strange behaviour...... 1. whenever he is out with his friends or not at work and she doesn't know where he is, she freaks out. Sends him texts, calls, etc. If he doesn't respond back to a text right away, she gets angry. This has also started since the problems began. 2. She went boating on the 4th and came home completely drunk. She spent the rest of the day being sick and laying around. During that time though, she was really nice to him though. Saying "I'm so sorry" and "I'll never do this again I promise" and crying. When she sobered up it was back to no emotion toward him. 3. She says the reason that she hasn't already filed for divorce is that she doesn't want to be 25 and already divorced twice and that she can't afford to live on her own, which isn't true. 4. She has distanced herself from her family, our family and her non-party friends. There's more, I'll just have to think of them...... Thanks
wow04 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Has your brother suggested marriage counseling? She could be cheating or she could have an alcohol problem.
amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 She sounds like she isn't ready to be married and that doesn't seem likely to change. It sounds like she's only with him out of convenience and that's not a good marriage. If I were him I'd file for divorce.
Author presley1 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 He has, but as we said it is a small town and she doesn't want people to know that they are having troubles. He suggested going out of town and she doesn't want to travel that far. She doesn't have a drinking problem, yet. But if she keeps up, one might develop. As far as the cheating goes, she told him that she wishes she could have an affair. That way, he would find out, divorce her and then the decision wouldn't be her fault to have made. But she states she is so emotionally detached from physical contact she can't make herself do it. I find that a very odd comment. Thanks
g450 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 That's odd indeed. Sounds almost like cheaters guilt. She got drunk on a boating trip? Really? Who exactly did she go with? 95% of the time there is almost always an other man involved.
wow04 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Your brother has a tough decision to make. His wife is trying to save face to the small town by making him do it. I am not sure where you live, but where I live, any debt accured through the marrige is both partie's responsibility. If she is out there buying all kinds of stuff and accuring debt it could be really bad for your brother.
Author presley1 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Well, the saga continues...... So they had a blow up last night and he did get out of her that she met a guy a couple of months ago in a bar but insists nothing physical happened. He was visiting friends from out of town and gave her lots of attention. From there on they texted and talked on the phone for quite a while but she says she'll probably never see him again. She has a life long pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship and really never has not had a boy friend or something. Even after her first divorce, she had a new guy like a week after that. I personally think she has some sort of attachment issue and needs help. I suggested to him that they seperate for a few months, he could set her up in an apartment as long as she promised to get counseling. They're both so young and I would hate to see them just divorce but she doesn't seem to want to change...... Thoughts?
g450 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 For the love of God NO! Separation 99% of the time ends in divorce because the offending party thinks it's a free pass to have an affair, even if they havent yet done so. It will be the death of his marriage if they do this. I have never understood how being separated is supposed to help things. It just give the cheater more freedom to cheat and not get caught. Speaking of which, from the sound of it, she probably already has cheated on him and is setting up her escape. The OM is her safety net I bet. That's usually what happens in cases like this. Some women use sex to get what they want sad to say.
Recommended Posts