Exclusivity?

[Drseussgrrl]

I've been dating someone pretty amazing for the past two months. It's easy, it's fun, we laugh like kids and the chemistry is off the charts. I seem to feel him coming closer and closer emotionally; we haven't talked about commitment yet, although I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else (he lives 1.5 hours away, btw). Recently we even made plans to attend a coworker's wedding together in NYC, a month and a half from now. He bought our train tickets that very night, and said that for him, it was a big deal (he has been divorced for about a year).

 

However, recently, a guy I've been crushing on for a few years messaged me on FB and wants to take me out for a drink. I figured since I don't have the gf title yet with dude #1, that it wouldn't be an issue. However, I certainly don't want to mess things up with my current budding romance.

 

In my experience with dude #1, the more relaxed and carefree I am around him, the more he seems to warm up and get closer. So I suppose I am skeptical to bring up the idea of commitment with him - I'd love for it to be his idea. I'm very good at allowing him to pursue me, which he does consistently. He has been spending a lot of time with my friends and me, and has even met some of my coworkers. For my birthday he took a day off work to spend it with me, took me shopping, and spent the evening with me and our mutual friends. It was awesome.

 

I don't want to tell him about dude #2 wanting to go out, because I don't want him to feel as though I'm trying to make him jealous or manipulate him.

 

Bottom line: I feel as though I should keep dating until dude #1 decides he wants to be official, however, I don't want to mess up my chance in the meantime.

 

How do I go about having this conversation with him without appearing like I'm trying to lock him down prematurely?

[Pasttense]

I suggest you remain exclusive to guy #1 (don't go out for a drink with guy #2...), and don't be in a rush to have this conversation with him (since you have been dating for only two months he probably feels it is too soon).

[Enema]

What's the point of going out for a drink with guy #2? If you have a good time, will you dump guy #1?

 

If I was guy #1 I would hope that even though there's been no formal chat about exclusivity, there's an unspoken understanding or at the least a level of respect that would preclude you from seeing other people.

 

Imagine if the date with guy #2 wasn't great, so you kept seeing guy #1 and at some point in the future it came up and you had to explain it.

 

"Oh remember back when we planned that trip together and you bought tickets? Well, a crush from Facebook hit me up for drinks so we went out the next weekend when I told you I was visiting my sister. But you don't have to worry because the date wasn't great!"

 

Looks shady as hell.

[tigressA]

Since you've already made plans to go away with Guy #1, going out for drinks with anyone else would be shady, even though you haven't clearly established exclusivity. Next time, it'd be a good idea to not plan trips with someone you aren't exclusively dating.

[Radu]

What if the guy did the same thing to you, how would you feel ?

 

There's an old saying, someone who runs after 2 rabbits will end up catching none.

[mysteryscape]

I guess I'd ask myself how I'd feel if the situations were reversed?

 

I think it's a good idea to be upfront if you're seeing other people, especially after two months of all that chemistry, etc.

 

Maybe it's time to find out where things are going with #1? He may already tacitly assume that the two of you are together. Or he may not. If you find out the latter, feel free to pursue #2 (if you want). Or if it's the former, maybe a good idea to find out.

 

At least, if you're going to see other guys, a good idea for him to know what's going on.

[Drseussgrrl]

Ok, well - I went out with dude #2 last night for a drink. I honestly had a good time, but not near as much fun as I have with dude #1. He asked if I was dating anyone to which I joking replied that yes, I was always dating SOMEONE. We ended the night on a platonic note - just a hug.

 

Toward the end of the evening, dude #1 called and left a voice mail, which I returned a bit later. We were joking around like we usually do, and he mentioned again that the way I laugh at his jokes makes him like me even more, and mentioned that he talked to his sister about me (whom he is very close to). This, among telling me how excited he is to see me this coming weekend.

 

We have plans this weekend with a group of our mutual friends in Annapolis - a bunch of us rented a house. I'm hoping that an opportunity arises for us to finally become clear about whether or not we are exclusive.

 

I really don't want to be the one to bring it up though.

[Radu]

Ok, well - I went out with dude #2 last night for a drink. I honestly had a good time, but not near as much fun as I have with dude #1. He asked if I was dating anyone to which I joking replied that yes, I was always dating SOMEONE. We ended the night on a platonic note - just a hug.

 

Toward the end of the evening, dude #1 called and left a voice mail, which I returned a bit later. We were joking around like we usually do, and he mentioned again that the way I laugh at his jokes makes him like me even more, and mentioned that he talked to his sister about me (whom he is very close to). This, among telling me how excited he is to see me this coming weekend.

 

We have plans this weekend with a group of our mutual friends in Annapolis - a bunch of us rented a house. I'm hoping that an opportunity arises for us to finally become clear about whether or not we are exclusive.

 

I really don't want to be the one to bring it up though.

 

I'd just like to point out two things, and i hope you won't dismiss them and think about them.

1 - that was not a platonic ending to a platonic meeting

2 - you were quite straightforward with guy #2 who doesn't have many chances right now; if guy #1 asks you about meeting other men, what will you say ?

[Drseussgrrl]

It's funny - dude #1 has a very close single girl friend who confides in him a lot about dating and he is ALWAYS stressing how important it is for her to be dating around and not concentrating on only one in the beginning.

 

If he asks me if I have gone out with anyone, of course I'll tell him.

 

That's what dating is. Up and until I am in a committed relationship, as far as I'm concerned I'm a free agent.

 

I am not going to feel badly for going out for a drink with a guy when I am not in a committed relationship with anyone else. If I was lying, sleeping around, or stringing men along it would be one thing. I'm just not trying to hang my hat on something that at this point, is not a sure thing.

[Drseussgrrl]

That's funny. For all I know dude #2 is dating other people also. As he should be, as an attractive single guy with options.

[Radu]

You missed the point. You wasted the time of guy #2.

 

If you had been straight forward you would have said to guy #2 what you posted here. You would have said that you are looking to go exclusive with guy #1.

 

However, if you are truthful then you don't get to multi date.

 

She will be wasting guy #1's time as well in the long run.

 

OP you are contradicting yourself left and right, and it shows.

First you say that you had an attraction for #2.

Then when you get negative reactions, and you go on the date, you say it was platonic.

When you get called out on it not being platonic you fall back on the fact that #2 was a possible.

 

You rationalize this whole thing as 'being free' because you didn't have yet 'the talk' with #1.

You bear partial responsability for not having had this discussion yet [as does he], but the way you used the above arguments puts all fault on him.

 

I might be wrong on this, and quite frankly i don't expect an answer from you [honest one, this being the internet where everyone can be anyone], but i think you cheated in past relationships.

You are right, you did not cheat doing this, technically you were not in a relationship with guy #1 ... but ppl who end up using technicalities to excuse stuff in the search for a LTR partner are betraying the whole point of this.

 

In a post above i asked you to put yourself in his shoes [i think], have you ?

[Ami1uwant]

You assume the other guy is dating other wmen...but the relation is going with guy #1 he likely looks at you guys as something going somewhere...possible even exclusive now since he committed to buying you a ticket for the wedding. If you were just a casual think he wouldn't bring you to a close friend or family wedding.

[Drseussgrrl]

The wedding is for a close coworker of mine. Not his.

 

I have NEVER cheated in a relationship. Ever.

 

You guys are making quite a lot of negative assumptions about me, a girl who had a drink with a dude, who is not in a termed exclusive relationship.

 

Jesus.

[Radu]

The wedding is for a close coworker of mine. Not his.

 

I have NEVER cheated in a relationship. Ever.

 

You guys are making quite a lot of negative assumptions about me, a girl who had a drink with a dude, who is not in a termed exclusive relationship.

 

Jesus.

 

We're actually working with what you wrote, and you are now victimizing yourself and have again avoided the question i asked you [2 times so far].

 

If the situation was reversed, and your guy was meeting with a girl he had been pining for a long timem. for 'drinks', how would you feel ?

[Drseussgrrl]

Well to give you all a little more information:

 

Frankly dude #1 confuses me a bit. Yes when we're together things are wonderful, but then he'll make comments about not letting things get too serious just yet.

 

After we had hung out a few times back in May, we DID have a talk about what dating each other meant while we were out to drink with friends. He said I SHOULD be dating others at that point (this was a few weeks into it).

 

I'm not sure if that has changed or not. We haven't discussed it. But as I said, the more carefree and happy I am around him, the closer he gets. He calls/texts every day, we make plans for fun things in the future. We have a ton of mutual friends that we spend a lot of time with. Everything clicks.

 

But that one conversation back in May, which he hasn't brought up again, leads me to believe that until we have the "talk", he wouldn't mind if I am seeing others.

 

I hardly see how this makes me a liar and a cheater.

[Radu]

Good to give more background, but the last line shows that you are victimizing yourself.

 

If the situation was reversed, and your guy was meeting with a girl he had been pining for a long timem. for 'drinks', how would you feel ?

 

You have also avoided answering my question for the 3rd time.

[Drseussgrrl]

Honestly I wouldn't want to know. He is not my boyfriend so while I would probably feel jealous, I can't call him "mine". He can do what he wants, technically.

 

I see it the same way he probably does.

[RedRobin]

The reason I don't like multidaters is that they routinely justify leaving the hard 'work' of communication up to the other person.... usually so that they can rationalize doing whatever they feel like doing. Both male and female multidaters do it.

 

They create alot of mess and chaos in the process.

 

Notice how these arrangements end up being an emotional game of chicken?

 

Really makes me want to hurl... what multi-daters have done to the pursuit of love and genuine intimacy.

 

OP... just keep doing whatever you feel like doing, K? The world is full of people like you. Your BF will just have to learn the hard way to steer clear of multi-daters like me and others have. That's how it goes.

 

You'll have the dubious distinction of teaching him that lesson... this is after he has probably trashed you to all of your mutual friends and his family. Good luck getting another date in THAT pool... or any kind of recommendation for anything that involves honesty and consideration.

Edited July 12, 2012 by RedRobin

[SJC2008]

I think OP is insecure that #1 hasn't asked to be exclusive and took up on the drink offer with guy #2.

[malibustacydoll]

You put her under the category of multi-daters? Are you serious? She had one drink with one man. Good god.

 

 

OP-- I have been seeing a guy for many weeks now and I did inquire about exclusivity. He told me he isn't seeing anyone else (and isn't looking to) but doesn't want to get serious yet/wants to take it slow-- apparently he hates the E word. I flat out told him that's cool-- I enjoy my time with him but then I am going to see other people to find someone on my page in the meantime. If you bring up the question-- you have to know deep down there is a chance you can be declined. There are people on here who bash multi-daters and will continue to do so-- just be aware of that and don't take it personally.

[RedRobin]

You put her under the category of multi-daters? Are you serious? She had one drink with one man. Good god.

 

The definition of a multi-dater is someone who dates multiple people.

 

Going out for a drink with someone she has a crush on while dating someone else fits that description.

 

IMO, the OP missed an opportunity to ask Guy #1 about his intentions. If he was vague or still didn't want to be serious, then it is not difficult for her to say, "Ok thanks! Someone asked me out for a drink, and I think I'll take him up on it."

 

At least you asked the guy you are seeing...

 

What the OP has instead is an event and a person she has to lie about.

 

Opportunity for honesty and communication missed... Intimacy limited or even possibly destroyed.

 

OP, you said you didn't want to mess up your budding romance.

 

Guess what? Too late.

[veggirl]

IMO you should have just approached guy #1 and said "hey, another guy has asked me to drinks. I am interested in you and would be happy to date only you, exclusively. Where are you at with this?" and listened to his response. 2 mos is enough time to know if you want to exclusive (a couple) with someone. If he said "well you are technically single..." or something wishy washy, I'd walk and be done with him. This would have been a great way to see where you stand with him w/o having to be all "omg are you my BF"

[malibustacydoll]

The definition of a multi-dater is someone who dates multiple people.

 

Going out for a drink with someone she has a crush on while dating someone else fits that description.

 

IMO, the OP missed an opportunity to ask Guy #1 about his intentions. If he was vague or still didn't want to be serious, then it is not difficult for her to say, "Ok thanks! Someone asked me out for a drink, and I think I'll take him up on it."

 

At least you asked the guy you are seeing...

 

What the OP has instead is an event and a person she has to lie about.

 

Opportunity for honesty and communication missed... Intimacy limited or even possibly destroyed.

 

OP, you said you didn't want to mess up your budding romance.

 

Guess what? Too late.

 

Why so attacking of the OP? How is she lying? If he asks she said she would tell him.

 

Also, I went on a few first dates with others while still seeing the current guy (who doesn't want exclusivity). I don't think there is an underlying exclusivity when you meet someone-- clearly you agree since you say they should talk about it.

[RedRobin]

Why so attacking of the OP? How is she lying? If he asks she said she would tell him.

 

Also, I went on a few first dates with others while still seeing the current guy (who doesn't want exclusivity). I don't think there is an underlying exclusivity when you meet someone-- clearly you agree since you say they should talk about it.

 

There are lots of ways to lie.

 

A big divide in the multi-dater/non multi-dater style of communication is transparency and assumptions.

 

The OP has 'assumed' (some would argue quite conveniently) that he is also multi-dating.

 

Needing to keep lots of eggs in one's basket and juggling options (at least in my opinion) is often done out of fear. Fear of choosing one person who may not be right. Fear of being alone. Fear of you liking the other person more than they like you. All natural fears to have, by the way.

 

What I (and some others) resent... no, more than resent... HATE with a bloody flaming fury, is alot (maybe most) multi-daters tendency to project their style onto the other person and let the person who is most emotionally invested do all the work of communicating. That is lazy and irresponsible...

 

Those who don't multi-date (and even those who do and do it honestly) find it odd when multi-daters have such a tough time asking the question or getting clarity.

 

Everyone knows that by communicating, there is always the possibility that you won't hear what you want to hear. But as long as the multi-dater gets to keep all the goodies for themselves (and delay the work or push it off on someone else) it's all good for them. That is my impression anyway.

 

So, you asked why the 'attack'... it is because she is lying by omission, when it would have been incredibly easy to get clarity before accepting a date from Guy #2. And yes, it was a date. There was clearly romantic intention.

[RedRobin]

... and I should add, that I think it is the responsibility of both parties to make their intentions known.

 

If someone is multi-dating, they are obligated to make that clear. It is irresponsible and lazy to 'assume' and make the other person ask.

 

Most people here are reasonable... They make allowances for the first few get-to-know-you dates. Where people cross lines is when they push for physical without making their relationship status and style known.

 

Me? These are questions I ask on the first couple of dates or phone calls if things are going well.

 

Will say for me... If a guy pushes for anything physical without volunteering up front his status, dating style, and what he's looking for, he's immediately cut. No questions asked. I have much better things to do with my time than play defense against a dating 'quarterback' trying to see what he can get away with.