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He doesn't like me going out of the house by myself...bathing suit? No way!

Moonshinedog

By Moonshinedog
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Moonshinedog New Member

Moonshinedog

Posted
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I'm in a year long relationship with a man who is getting divorced. He is very attractive and was in a 15 year relationship with a woman who was pretty in her own way, but never got attention. Needless to say, he was used to him getting all the attention and her none of it.

 

We love each other very much. We take care of each other and talk constantly. I'm coming out of an abusive relationship and him from a neglectful one and we are quite honestly doing the very best we can while still bruised and baggaged from our pasts. We are both kind, intelligent, open-hearted people who honestly want whats best for our relationship.

 

The one big issue for me is that he becomes anxious to the point of panicked if I mention going out with my sister or a female friend. Nevermind my best friend (who happens to be a male). If he has to work and I don't, he becomes jealous and sulks if I make plans to enjoy my day, making comments that make me feel guilty. If I meet him in public at an agreed place, his mood changes if I happen to be talking with a male (bartender, patron, waiter)...sometimes for the rest of the day, leading to a fight before we go to bed. It's July and my sister and I plan on going to the beach, just as we do every summer, this weekend while he is at work. He's having serious issues about it and his tension level has risen to the point of not being able to sleep. Whether it's the anxiety of these plans or not, he still blames it as the most likely culprit.

 

I'm so very, pathetically confused....is he controlling me? I see him fight against these reactions all the time...does that excuse them? I have no idea how far to go to stand up for myself.

 

Is this normal in a relationship in which the two want to be together exclusively? Is this just a power play? I'm not sure how best to get him to stop...where is the line where I end compromise and start putting my foot down?

 

Thank you for your time and help,

MSD

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
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Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag!

 

Yep - you are being controlled and I can only imagine his insecurities are going to worsen. Still married? He needs time to heal through the divorce of a 15-year relationship...

 

I'd run now, if I were you.

  • Like 2
wow04 Established Member

wow04

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You went from abusive relationship to another. He is controlling you.

jnj express Established Member

jnj express

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What is it, you like abuse

 

Your so called BF, is coming out of a 15 yr mge, into a D.,---don't necessarily believe the reasons he is giving for the D.

 

You say you were abused, and now you are already being abused again

 

Ever hear of the saying the leopard doesn't change its spots---your present BF, is the way he is, and he ain't gonna change

 

Its your life---but what kind of a life is it, if you have to get into a fight just to live normally

 

You better know one thing----you are only gonna get one trip thru life on this planet, ONE ONLY, and its spose to be an enjoyable, somewhat happy trip----that trip doesn't seem to be very happy at this point, and isn't gonna get any better with this present guy you are with.

 

You seem to be your own worse enemy----coming from an abusive situation, right into a situation with a whacko

 

You know what you need to do---your so-called love will turn to hate very soon, if you stay with this crazy, you are with now.

  • Like 1
sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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Sounds to me like you're still having trouble not being attracted to abusive personalities.

 

He wants to tell you what you can do and who you can do it with even when he can't be around. It is not normal for someone to expect this especially when they can't even handle you having female friends. This is an isolation tactic. Why would someone want you to have no one else in your life? In what way is it normal for an adult to tell another adult how to dress?

 

You get him to stop by not being with him. He is broken inside and that doesn't mean its up to you to fix him.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I have no idea how far to go to stand up for myself.

 

As far as you have to. You must stand up for 100% freedom and autonomy. You must stand up to live the life you want to live without someone else having any say in it.

 

I agree that this is a huge red flag, but I wouldn't necessarily break up right now. I would start by doing what you want to do, no matter his reaction, and see how he handles it. He's either going to accept that you are an adult, or he is going to fight for control.

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Moonshinedog New Member

Moonshinedog

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I really appreciate the advice. When I read the others, I simply wanted to cry and leave the website. Yours at least offered some hope and since I really do love this guy, hope is what I'm clinging to.

 

I'm well aware that I have issues coming out of an abusive relationship and that he is dealing with many since he is currently going through a divorce, but sometimes relationships make it through difficult odds...right? I'm 33 and always fancied myself a pragmatist, but I think that he's worth trying to find a common ground with.

 

You're suggestion makes sense to me and I plan on doing just that. I will be who I am and if he can't accept it, then I have no business being with someone who can't see and love me for me.

 

Thank you again.

MSD

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
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I really appreciate the advice. When I read the others, I simply wanted to cry and leave the website. Yours at least offered some hope and since I really do love this guy, hope is what I'm clinging to.

 

I'm well aware that I have issues coming out of an abusive relationship and that he is dealing with many since he is currently going through a divorce, but sometimes relationships make it through difficult odds...right? I'm 33 and always fancied myself a pragmatist, but I think that he's worth trying to find a common ground with.

 

You're suggestion makes sense to me and I plan on doing just that. I will be who I am and if he can't accept it, then I have no business being with someone who can't see and love me for me.

 

Thank you again.

MSD

 

I suggest reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It was really helpful for me to learn about Reality 1 and Reality 2. I think your goal needs to be finding out if your boyfriend is a Reality 1-type controller, or if he just has insecurities left over from his prior relationship.

YellowShark Established Member

YellowShark

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Love DOES NOT dominate. It cultivates. Period.

g450 Established Member

g450

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OK Im going to play devils advocate here for a bit.

 

When you say you talk to other men he gets jealous. Do you do this in front of him then? If so then I would be pissed myself if my girl did this. It's very dissrespectful.

 

If not, how does he know you are talking or spending time with other men? Do you make it a point of telling him this before you do it? As in..."Hi honey, ill be a bit late, going to hang out at the bar with some old guy friends if that's OK with you". If that is what is going on then I would have to say you are at least half the reason for his insecurity if not more. But without more details from you I really cant say.

 

Having a male best friend is a red flag for me in itself though. Your BF should be your male best friend. You are inviting uneeded drama into your relationship by maintaining a male friend. What does your "male friend" give you that your BF doesnt give you? This is a boundry most of us males have for good reason and you are dissrespecting this boundry IMHO. It has nothing to do with control because you ultimatly will do what you want regardless. It's about respect for your relationship and choices.

 

You say you want to be exclusive with your BF in one sentence and then in another you talk about hanging out with a "male friend". If you dont see the problem with that then I cant help you. In fact I kind of see why your BF is having issues with that. It seems you want your cake and to eat it too.

 

I know you will get a lot of "he is insecure, leave him" type postings and ironically I would actually agree with them if they tell you to leave him. So whether he is really controlling or not or you are simply playing jealousy games with him, either way he is not happy. Perhaps you would do him a favor by setting him free.

 

And yes YS is right: "Love DOES NOT dominate. It cultivates. Period." But in your case it really doesnt sound like you trully love him. He hasnt really forced you to do anything but you are forcing him to compromise on his boundries because you dont respect his boundries or feelings on the matter.

 

Ill put on my flame retardent suit now. But I could not help posting from a different perspetive. At least we all agree there on one thing...

 

Set him free.

  • Like 1
CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
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When you say you talk to other men he gets jealous. Do you do this in front of him then? If so then I would be pissed myself if my girl did this. It's very dissrespectful.

 

Really? You would get pissed if your girlfriend spoke to male bartenders, patrons, or waiters? It is sometimes necessary to interact with strangers, even if they are male.

 

If not, how does he know you are talking or spending time with other men? Do you make it a point of telling him this before you do it? As in..."Hi honey, ill be a bit late, going to hang out at the bar with some old guy friends if that's OK with you". If that is what is going on then I would have to say you are at least half the reason for his insecurity if not more. But without more details from you I really cant say.

 

How does he know? Because he saw it. OP said, "If I meet him in public at an agreed place, his mood changes if I happen to be talking with a male (bartender, patron, waiter)" To me, this means that she was at their agreed upon meeting place, and when he walked in, she happened to be speaking to a bartender (presumably to place her order or some other socially appropriate interaction) and that made him upset. What did you take that sentence to mean?

 

You say you want to be exclusive with your BF in one sentence and then in another you talk about hanging out with a "male friend". If you dont see the problem with that then I cant help you.

 

She's allowed to have friends. You seem to be assuming there's something sinister or inappropriate about their friendship, but the OP never mentioned anything like that so I don't know where you're getting this from. There are men out there who are capable of platonic friendship with the opposite sex. They absolutely exist. If that's something that you can't fathom, then I can't help you.

 

Ill put on my flame retardent suit now.

 

Getting a head start on whining about the responses you'd get, good job. Maybe that's because you already realized that you're not effectively playing devil's advocate, you're just blaming the victim and making weird, baseless assumptions.

 

 

 

OP, if your boyfriend gets anxious or panicky at the idea of you doing absolutely normal things like having a day off work or spending time with female friends, he is not ready for a relationship. This is not healthy at all. And you can try as hard as you can to ignore his hangups or try to work around them, but his guilt trips will inevitably influence you. If you let this continue, it will eventually be easier for you to stay home rather than "hurt him" or deal with his outbursts. Don't let it get to that point.

g450 Established Member

g450

Posted
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Really? You would get pissed if your girlfriend spoke to male bartenders, patrons, or waiters? It is sometimes necessary to interact with strangers, even if they are male.

 

Generally speaking. But it would depend on the nature of the conversation. Big difference between "another beer please" and "what are you doing after this". Which is why I asked for more details. Sometimes the devil is in the details. Does she flirt? What does she talk about? The weather maybe?

 

How does he know? Because he saw it. OP said, "If I meet him in public at an agreed place, his mood changes if I happen to be talking with a male (bartender, patron, waiter)" To me, this means that she was at their agreed upon meeting place, and when he walked in, she happened to be speaking to a bartender (presumably to place her order or some other socially appropriate interaction) and that made him upset. What did you take that sentence to mean?

 

Again, the devil is in the details. Depends completely on what was said and how it was said. Which is why I posted: "But without more details from you I really cant say." But I can hypothesize since she wont elaborate.

 

And you admit yourself that you are simply presuming it involved socially appropriate interactions. We really dont know that now do we? Why? Because the OP hasnt gotten into details. Maybe there is a reason these details are missing.

 

Here is an idea, why dont we let the OP answer that question before we all brand her BF as a controlling jerk. What do you think?

 

She's allowed to have friends. You seem to be assuming there's something sinister or inappropriate about their friendship, but the OP never mentioned anything like that so I don't know where you're getting this from. There are men out there who are capable of platonic friendship with the opposite sex. They absolutely exist. If that's something that you can't fathom, then I can't help you.

 

There is a reason he gets upset and is insecure. Did it ever cross your mind that she may be causing his insecurity by what she is doing?

And platonic friendships with the oppositite sex are rare as hens teeth for a reason. Especially when one or the other is married or in a relationship. And if you cant fathom that fact then I cant help you.

 

I wish I had a dollar for every posting in LS from betrayed spouses that are now divorced because their spouse had a "platonic friend" as you put it.

Having a male friend while also having a BF is almost always reason for friction and drama. There is a reason most men wont deal with that on any level. And it is considered disrespectful. Again, her is BF should be her male friend. Not some other guy. If you cant see the problem with that then I cant help you.

 

Getting a head start on whining about the responses you'd get, good job. Maybe that's because you already realized that you're not effectively playing devil's advocate, you're just blaming the victim and making weird, baseless assumptions.

 

No its not whining, it's realizing that making a valid couterpoint here against a mob mentality who dont know all the facts was inevitable. Fact is, none of us know who the real victime here is. It may not necessarily be the OP. Hell, Hitler could come in here and make himself sound like a victime IF he left out enough facts from his posting. All I am doing is filling in all the hugh gapping holes in the OPs statements with a possible counterpoint to her claims. Why? Because her BF is not here to defend himself and I see the mob mentality jumping to trash him without enough facts form the OP.

 

OP, if your boyfriend gets anxious or panicky at the idea of you doing absolutely normal things like having a day off work or spending time with female friends, he is not ready for a relationship. This is not healthy at all. And you can try as hard as you can to ignore his hangups or try to work around them, but his guilt trips will inevitably influence you. If you let this continue, it will eventually be easier for you to stay home rather than "hurt him" or deal with his outbursts. Don't let it get to that point.

 

Ironically, most of us here actually agree. She should leave him. So I am now wondering why you even bothered to get into a pi$$ing contest with me over my opinions. Doesnt make much sense does it?

 

OP, please leave your man. If you really think he is controlling then leave him. You may be doing him a favor. Maybe you and your "male friend" will hit it off. Who knows. Good luck.

Edited by g450
goodthingscome Established Member

goodthingscome

Posted
Posted

Seeing how you are the OW in this situation the only thing I can come up with is: If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you. He is "projecting" his unfaithful personality onto you because that's how "he" thinks of man/woman interaction. I would move on just because of that, as he won't ever change, it's who "he" is..

 

 

It will only get worse, I can vouch for that. I "married" his twin. While we were both single, he cheated from the beginning and accused me of cheating (not) until the day I finally left him. Don't put yourself through it, you can't/won't FIX him.

CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
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Did it ever cross your mind that she may be causing his insecurity by what she is doing?

 

Mhm. For sure. When I hear someone say, "I'm coming out of an abusive relationship and my new boyfriend is exhibiting classic signs of abuse...is he controlling me?" I wouldn't be like, "Hm. Well, OP, do you flirt? You must have done something to deserve this? Have you ever spoken to another man before? If so, then it's mostly your fault." Oh, I'm just playing devil's advocate here. Merely asking questions. So, OP, what slutty thing did you do to cause him to be unable to sleep?

 

No its not whining, it's realizing that making a valid couterpoint here against a mob mentality who dont know all the facts was inevitable. Fact is, none of us know who the real victime here is. It may not necessarily be the OP.

 

Yes, of course let us give the benefit of the doubt to the person who is so troubled by his girlfriend having a social life that he can't sleep. Indeed, who is the real victime[sic]? BTW, I like the word, "victime." Makes it sound quaint and old-timey.

 

Hell, Hitler could come in here and make himself sound like a victime IF he left out enough facts from his posting.

 

Godwin's law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

  • Like 1
g450 Established Member

g450

Posted
Posted
Mhm. For sure. When I hear someone say, "I'm coming out of an abusive relationship and my new boyfriend is exhibiting classic signs of abuse...is he controlling me?" I wouldn't be like, "Hm. Well, OP, do you flirt? You must have done something to deserve this? Have you ever spoken to another man before? If so, then it's mostly your fault." Oh, I'm just playing devil's advocate here. Merely asking questions. So, OP, what slutty thing did you do to cause him to be unable to sleep?

 

 

 

Yes, of course let us give the benefit of the doubt to the person who is so troubled by his girlfriend having a social life that he can't sleep. Indeed, who is the real victime[sic]? BTW, I like the word, "victime." Makes it sound quaint and old-timey.

 

 

 

Godwin's law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Somehow I knew you were going to post that. I think I made my point, even though it was with bad spelling. If that goes over everybody's heads then I guess I wasted my time. Nobody here knows what the OP did since she is not talking. That too me speaks volumes but I tend to always take the common sense approach to things.

 

When two people are in an accident the cop pulles both of them asside separately and gets info from both to decide who was at fault. In this forum we only get one side of the story. But one can put two and two together by not just listening to what is being said, but what is NOT being said.

 

I do find it amusing that you did not address the most important part of my post, which you, me and everyone else here actually agree on.

 

She should leave him?

 

So lets hear it OP, are you going to leave him? That's my 65cent question for the day.

StrangeBehaviors Established Member

StrangeBehaviors

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People typically show you who they are pretty quick.

 

You've know about it and stayed.

 

You've went from one "abusive" situation to another.

 

Even a "normal" guy with a reasonable backbone, confident, and has his stuff together....you probably wouldn't give the time of day.

 

Seen it before. You deserve what you have now and what you've had in the past because:

 

A. You chose them.

B. You stayed for a lengthy time.

C. You repeat the behavior.

 

It is your fault. If you accept that, you will change. Then leave the situation and filter out similar men with similar behaviors in the future quickly.

 

I will bet against that every time though and be very rich.

 

Because people don't change in the majority.

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