Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Background: My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years going on 7. When we met we were both poor and in college... I now make enough money to support myself and my daughter and I'm also in the process of buying a home. He still lives at home with his parents, still in college and only makes roughly $150 a week. We have broken up twice in the past and have gotten back together. He lives on one side of town and I live on the other - 45 minute drive, one way. He's 28 and I'm 27. I am the only girlfriend he has ever had. Over the weekend we got into a discussion (ended in an argument, him sleeping on the couch) of marraige, he says he wants to be with me forever... but will not marry me until he makes at least $30,000 a year. He still has about a year and a half of college left and quite frankly I'm getting tired of only seeing him on the weekends. He comes over on Friday night and leaves on Monday morning, we have fun - go out, stay home, or whatever. I'm not understanding what the big deal is about me making more than him. Obviously I don't want him for his money, and I don't NEED him to support me, but I do like having him around and yes I do love him. I even offered to put him on my jewelers account so he could pick out a ring and pay it off monthly. I would not expect him to pay the mortgage on $150 a week, I'd rather put that money in savings and take a nice vacation or save it for a rainy day. I know a lot of people who didn't have money when they were married and still are to this day. This morning I had a bit an "ah ha" moment and it dawned on me that this is possibly just another excuse for him not to marry me... Prevoius marraige discussions have ended in him saying "Why are you rushing me?" and "You only want to get married because your friend got married." and me drinking lots of wine What do ya'll think? Is he worth waiting for? Should I give him an ultimatum? Our time together has been good for the most part, we have had problems and have gotten through them. He gets along great with my daughter, and he is the only man I have ever brought around her. He makes us laugh and takes us out just about every weekend. I don't know... #Confused.
CarrieT Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think he is being very reasonable and intelligent (although why he's only earning $150 a week at his age surprises me...) Having your feet on the ground financially is a smart move when considering marriage. 5
pink_sugar Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'd have to agree with Carrie. I didn't make the smartest decisions after high school and I would do things differently if I could. We both married when in college and neither of us had stable jobs. 4 years later, I have a somewhat decent job considering I won't get my degree until next year, but it's far from enough to make a living around here. My husband has also been consistently unemployed and I cannot tell you how hard that's been on our relationship. He's doing the right thing, he's giving himself goals. He wants to be able to pull his share of the weight. 2
MuscleCarFan Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) I agree with my wife, pink_sugar. It has been very hard to find anything decent due to the poor economy. Don't dump the guy, he has his head in the right place. He wants to make a stable decent income and be able to contribute to the household. Edited July 11, 2012 by MuscleCarFan 1
Radu Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 The posters above missed one thing. You guys are still BF and GF. Getting married when your partner is stable, is a good move, but that doesn't mean you can't propose to her/him and marry when you reach that goal. And it doesn't mean that you need a very expensive ring for engagement [you don't seem the type to want an expensive one]. The fact that he may be procrastinating is a good way of seeing things. Also, if you met 7yrs ago when you were in college, why hasn't he finished yet ? 1
carhill Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I doubt some arbitrary monetary figure is the real 'reason'. I do note lifestyle differences portending differences in other areas. You (OP) are a family with your daughter, whom I presume is unrelated to the BF, supporting yourself and home-shopping. He's in school and living with his parents. Six years is a long time. Longer than some marriages these days. My opinion is it's time for re-evaluation from the practical standpoint to make a reasoned decision. Marriage is a decision. Relationships are a decision. Good luck. 3
MissBee Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think he is being very reasonable and intelligent (although why he's only earning $150 a week at his age surprises me...) Having your feet on the ground financially is a smart move when considering marriage. I agree. This is a legitimate reason. If he were saying he needs to wait until he makes $300,000 a year, when he now makes $30,000 then that would just seem like he's looking for excuses. Having a husband who is not financially secure within himself won't make a good marriage. It will affect his own feelings about himself, which will spill into the marriage. I think it is smart of him to want to be in a certain independent place for himself before taking on a wife with a daughter. I'd be glad my boyfriend was thinking this way...as chances are if he foregoes his desire and marries you before this, finances will become a huge strain and will spill over into other areas making for a stressful marriage. Question: besides loving him....what do you expect from a husband? What do you think he can contribute now to your life besides emotional stuff? I'm not saying you need to want a man for his money. I don't. But you have a daughter, and marriage is more than just I love you, you love me. It's making a life together and life costs money as well. So I'm actually surprised that you're pushing this instead of supporting him in becoming independent so that he can feel good about himself and can be an equal partner in your relationship...taking lots of stress off you. It seems like if you force this on him and he does it...there will be lots of added pressure on you and him. 2
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I agree with you, it seems like he will be in school f-o-r-e-v-e-r.... He is taking it slow right now only 2 classes per semester, he also went to jr college for 3 years and then transferred to a university. He works part-time at night and goes to school during the day. Also, his counselors advised him to take certain classes per semester due to the work load.
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I agree. This is a legitimate reason. If he were saying he needs to wait until he makes $300,000 a year, when he now makes $30,000 then that would just seem like he's looking for excuses. Having a husband who is not financially secure within himself won't make a good marriage. It will affect his own feelings about himself, which will spill into the marriage. I think it is smart of him to want to be in a certain independent place for himself before taking on a wife with a daughter. I'd be glad my boyfriend was thinking this way...as chances are if he foregoes his desire and marries you before this, finances will become a huge strain and will spill over into other areas making for a stressful marriage. Question: besides loving him....what do you expect from a husband? What do you think he can contribute now to your life besides emotional stuff? I'm not saying you need to want a man for his money. I don't. But you have a daughter, and marriage is more than just I love you, you love me. It's making a life together and life costs money as well. So I'm actually surprised that you're pushing this instead of supporting him in becoming independent so that he can feel good about himself and can be an equal partner in your relationship...taking lots of stress off you. It seems like if you force this on him and he does it...there will be lots of added pressure on you and him. What do I expect of a husband? I expect him to be supportive of me, a partner to share my life with. It gets lonely sometimes, not to say I just want someone to fill my bed, but someone to come home to that loves and respects me. I want to share my life with someone. I know he can't support me financially right now, but he can just be there for me when I've had a long day, and that's all I ask. I don't like expensive things, I'm a very simple person and it really doesn't take a lot to make me happy. I have my hobbies, and my own life cut out for me, I would just like to have him share it with me. My daughter does not need a father, her father is an excellent person and we have a very good relationship. It feels like I'm a single girl all week and then on the weekend I'm not. And maybe, just maybe, I'm pushing it because I don't want to come home to a 4 bedroom house alone every night. And maybe I'm getting closer to 30 and have this idea that I should be married by then.
BetheButterfly Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I doubt some arbitrary monetary figure is the real 'reason'. I do note lifestyle differences portending differences in other areas. You (OP) are a family with your daughter, whom I presume is unrelated to the BF, supporting yourself and home-shopping. He's in school and living with his parents. Six years is a long time. Longer than some marriages these days. My opinion is it's time for re-evaluation from the practical standpoint to make a reasoned decision. Marriage is a decision. Relationships are a decision. Good luck. I agree with this. It is great to make financial goals before marriage. However, it is important to evaluate those goals together and come up with objectives together. I would encourage you to ask him, in a comfortable and pleasant way, where he sees himself in the next 4 years. When does he plan on graduating? What kind of job is he planning on getting after graduating? How is he building networks to achieve his goal of earning $30,000 a year? See if you can encourage him in this goal, and see if he is truly set on it and on marriage with you as the next goal afterwards. Now, it is true that the economy is tough nowadays. However, creativity, hard work, and positivity go a long way to help people in a tough economy! I wish you the best.
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I agree with this. It is great to make financial goals before marriage. However, it is important to evaluate those goals together and come up with objectives together. I would encourage you to ask him, in a comfortable and pleasant way, where he sees himself in the next 4 years. When does he plan on graduating? What kind of job is he planning on getting after graduating? How is he building networks to achieve his goal of earning $30,000 a year? See if you can encourage him in this goal, and see if he is truly set on it and on marriage with you as the next goal afterwards. Now, it is true that the economy is tough nowadays. However, creativity, hard work, and positivity go a long way to help people in a tough economy! I wish you the best. Thanks for your response, I am going to take your advice and see what happens.... Will come back with an update soon.
BetheButterfly Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Thanks for your response, I am going to take your advice and see what happens.... Will come back with an update soon. Ok, please also note how he responds. If you are speaking pleasantly, yet he reacts with hostility, I would consider that a red flag. I do believe healthy couples can talk about goals in the future in a pleasant way with each other. Hopefully he welcomes your questions and sees them as a way to express his goals of a life shared with you. Now, if he reacts with hostility, please don't get hostile back. Please just store up the info you have gathered and evaluate it. Hopefully however, he will be excited to share his dreams of the next 4 years with you!!! That'd be awesome!!! a Green flag!!!
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Did I miss why he's still at home, only making $150, and still in college 6-7 years later?
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 DD21 was dating a boy who'd been in and out of school, his parents paid for everything (they lived out of state and paid for his apartment etc here), he was older than her but now 2 years behind her at uni (she's staying for a PhD). His parents had to threaten him to get him to get a job and, when he did, he treated it like crap and eventually quit it. That's actually one of the MAIN reasons she left him - he had NO drive, was perfectly happy letting his parents support him, talked big about becoming a rich doctor but wouldn't even stay in junior college classes. She now tells everyone she will no longer date anyone with less drive than she has.
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Did I miss why he's still at home, only making $150, and still in college 6-7 years later? Yes, here was my reply: "I agree with you, it seems like he will be in school f-o-r-e-v-e-r.... He is taking it slow right now only 2 classes per semester, he also went to jr college for 3 years and then transferred to a university. He works part-time at night and goes to school during the day. Also, his counselors advised him to take certain classes per semester due to the work load."
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Yes, here was my reply: "I agree with you, it seems like he will be in school f-o-r-e-v-e-r.... He is taking it slow right now only 2 classes per semester, he also went to jr college for 3 years and then transferred to a university. He works part-time at night and goes to school during the day. Also, his counselors advised him to take certain classes per semester due to the work load." TWO CLASSES per semester? I took 3 or 4 classes - at night - while working full time! I was watching that Teen Mom show and the girl with a 3 year old had to be told by the school counselor that she shouldn't take SIX classes! With a baby at home! I think he's feeding you a line of bull. I think he's lazy and likes living at home and doesn't want to grow up. JMHO 2
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Ok, please also note how he responds. If you are speaking pleasantly, yet he reacts with hostility, I would consider that a red flag. I do believe healthy couples can talk about goals in the future in a pleasant way with each other. Hopefully he welcomes your questions and sees them as a way to express his goals of a life shared with you. Now, if he reacts with hostility, please don't get hostile back. Please just store up the info you have gathered and evaluate it. Hopefully however, he will be excited to share his dreams of the next 4 years with you!!! That'd be awesome!!! a Green flag!!! Yes, we'll see how it goes. He does get very offensive when I talk about our future, and it ends in him telling me to wait until he's finished with school, and I say OK. If he gets hostile, I have it in me to walk away from the fight, and like you said, gather up the info and evaluate it.
KathyM Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think you should tell him that you've invested several years into this relationship and you feel like you need to take it to the next level, and while you understand his desire to make a good income and be able to provide for the household, you do feel it is necessary to make progress in life, so you suggest getting engaged at this point, and then marry when he is done with college and gets a job. I wouldn't settle for any more delays or stalling tactics at this point. If he's willing to get engaged, then that would be a good plan. If he makes some excuse why he can't get engaged, I'd consider that a red flag that he's not serious about making a commitment, and is not mature enough for marriage, in which case you should tell him you're going to have to leave, because you want more out of life than just a weekend relationship. 1
pteromom Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think it's an excuse. If you want to be with someone, you make it happen. If it was painful for him to be away from you 5 days a week, he wouldn't be away from you. If it was important for him to make sure you will be with him forever, he'd be locking it down. If he was excited about your future together, he'd be excited about discussing it. You gotta pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words. And if his own insecurities are so large that they prevent him from getting what he wants in life, that's a huge red flag in itself. 1
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 TWO CLASSES per semester? I took 3 or 4 classes - at night - while working full time! I was watching that Teen Mom show and the girl with a 3 year old had to be told by the school counselor that she shouldn't take SIX classes! With a baby at home! I think he's feeding you a line of bull. I think he's lazy and likes living at home and doesn't want to grow up. JMHO I have thought this as well... I have also taken 3 classes, working full time, while being a single mom. I was always stressed out, but it can be done. I think he lacks drive... I had to do it for myself and my daughter, he has no one to worry about but himself. I've suggested to him that it would be a good idea to move out of his parents house and find an apartment his brother, but he refuses to. In his mind his Mother loves him being there because of all the stuff he does for her. I know that's not true, I tell my kid all the time when she graduates high school she is off to college, hopefully out of state. I say that but I will probably be crying when she's gone lol, but I want her to be able to stand on her own two feet and experience the world. I have worked hard to get where I am in life and I'm ready to share my life with someone. According to some he is smart to wait until he finishes college and makes enough to feel accomplished. I'll have another conversation with him soon and see if it goes better than the last one.
Author Gunner54 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I think it's an excuse. If you want to be with someone, you make it happen. If it was painful for him to be away from you 5 days a week, he wouldn't be away from you. If it was important for him to make sure you will be with him forever, he'd be locking it down. If he was excited about your future together, he'd be excited about discussing it. You gotta pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words. And if his own insecurities are so large that they prevent him from getting what he wants in life, that's a huge red flag in itself. I agree with you. Thank you for your words.
dextm Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Some guys are just lucky. He takes you out but you pay for everything right?
pink_sugar Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 It sounds like you need to tell him what you want. He is taking quite awhile in school so his 30,000 a year goal may still be pretty far depending on how much longer he's in school and that could be awhile. 30,000 really isn't that much either. Depending on where you live 40,000 is more reasonable for a college grad. He really doesn't sound too ambitious, so I would lay it out for him. You've been with him quite awhile now and it doesn't seem like he's furthering himself enough. 1
JasonRules Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Even if you married him, this union would be doomed to failure simply based upon your ages. Right now you think everything is fine, but as women get older they age at a much faster rate than the average man does. When your guy is 35 he'll be looking at women in their mid to upper 20s. When he is 40 he will be looking at women in their early 30s. You should go find yourself a man who is 5-10 years older than you and more established who can provide the things you're looking for. A man at 28 still has a lot of experiencing to do (as do you). He shouldn't even be looking at marriage until 35-40.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 OP, I had an ex like this. It was commitment phobia. We did end up engaged and he took off six weeks before the wedding and moved to a different city! He just couldn't face me and couldn't even tell me straight that he didn't want to get married. He just kept dragging it out. He tried to tell me that "maybe in seven years" we'd get married. Ridiculous! After what he'd done! I married the rebound instead.
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