stephen1967 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) I'll try to be as short as possible. I apologize in advance for the length...Been married almost 17 years and have 2 kids. Daughter is age 14 and we have very close relationship. We are 2 peas in a pod. Son is 13 and we have difficult relationship. He is disrespectful, argues with me, does not listed to me, talks back...basically he is more like my wife. i think he has seen her act this way to me for so long that he thinks it is acceptable. We have talked many times but nothing changes. He even complains to my wife that I am mean to him and don't love him even though I tell him all the time that I love him and am proud of his accomplishments. My wife treats me like total garbage and has for the last decade. I won't go into details but I'll just say that I finally convinced her to go to counseling a year ago and after hearing the counselor say that she is a big reason we are failing and that she needs to change she walked out right in the middle of a session and never went back. I started to go back a year later and the counselor remembered everything and remarked that she was one of the most verbally abusive spouses he had ever seen in his 22 years of counseling. I'll admit I'm not perfect. I used to drink but quit 12 years ago. Sheheld it over my head for years. In the last 2 years I started having problems with the medication for my ADD. Occasionally I would take an additional dose as a pick me up if really tired or if I felt the effect wearing off too early. Not full blown abuse but in her eyes it is abuse. I have also had issues with valium in the past. I had it for the stress from our marriage but sometimes took more than the dose listed if really stressed out...usually after a fight. She pushes all the wrong buttons and I then take too much medication. She now tells the kids I'm a drug addict. She sides with my son when we have conflicts. She is incredibly disrespectful toward me in front of the kids. We are at the point where i want to leave but all of a sudden she is acting nicer. I know her acting nice will only last so long. Should i just suck it up and leave or give her more chances. My daughter has said to both of us she wants to leave with me but my wife has told me she would go to court and say i was a drug addict and unfit father. Edited July 11, 2012 by stephen1967 spelling correction
CC12 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Oh wow. Yes, you should leave her. I think you already know this and the only thing holding you back is that your abusive wife is manipulating you into staying by threatening your reputation and custody rights. It's basically blackmail. You need to cover your ass. Hire a lawyer. He or she will instruct you on how to prepare to prove yourself against her allegations in the event of an ugly court battle. Document everything, including seeing a doctor to treat you for this "drug addition" she claims. Maybe that sympathetic counselor you saw can lead you in the right direction and offer support when you do decide to finally leave. If you have all your ducks in a row, you'll feel much more confident to end this abusive relationship.
onthefence210 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'll try to be as short as possible. I apologize in advance for the length...Been married almost 17 years and have 2 kids. Daughter is age 14 and we have very close relationship. We are 2 peas in a pod. Son is 13 and we have difficult relationship. He is disrespectful, argues with me, does not listed to me, talks back...basically he is more like my wife. i think he has seen her act this way to me for so long that he thinks it is acceptable. We have talked many times but nothing changes. He even complains to my wife that I am mean to him and don't love him even though I tell him all the time that I love him and am proud of his accomplishments. My wife treats me like total garbage and has for the last decade. I won't go into details but I'll just say that I finally convinced her to go to counseling a year ago and after hearing the counselor say that she is a big reason we are failing and that she needs to change she walked out right in the middle of a session and never went back. I started to go back a year later and the counselor remembered everything and remarked that she was one of the most verbally abusive spouses he had ever seen in his 22 years of counseling. I'll admit I'm not perfect. I used to drink but quit 12 years ago. Sheheld it over my head for years. In the last 2 years I started having problems with the medication for my ADD. Occasionally I would take an additional dose as a pick me up if really tired or if I felt the effect wearing off too early. Not full blown abuse but in her eyes it is abuse. I have also had issues with valium in the past. I had it for the stress from our marriage but sometimes took more than the dose listed if really stressed out...usually after a fight. She pushes all the wrong buttons and I then take too much medication. She now tells the kids I'm a drug addict. She sides with my son when we have conflicts. She is incredibly disrespectful toward me in front of the kids. We are at the point where i want to leave but all of a sudden she is acting nicer. I know her acting nice will only last so long. Should i just suck it up and leave or give her more chances. My daughter has said to both of us she wants to leave with me but my wife has told me she would go to court and say i was a drug addict and unfit father. I think there is more to this story. From what you say, you were an addict or at least had issues with alcohol. Then u say that you double up on your ADD meds in order to cope. I think there lies a major problem. It's so easy to blame our problems on someone else, make excuses so we don't have to address them. Have you ever thought of helping yourself first, then as you start to see yourself for who you really are and start the process of change in your own behaviors, then maybe your wife may follow suit? That is the problem with people and there dependencies. They use them as a crutch to smooth over or make themselves feel better. You address the symptoms of the real problems whether it be self, spouse or marital using substance, drugs etc yet once you've stopped treating the symptom the problems that led to them are still there yet never resolved. My H used alcohol for a long time. He used it to be more outgoing in social situations, he used it to numb uncomfortable feelings and for whatever reasons. He had no idea how to stop nor did he care how it was effecting our marriage. When he finally stopped last yr, he thought, I've changed, why are you still not happy? I applaud him for getting rid of his crutch, yet I can not accept that he still won't address the real problems within himself. He is also on anti depressants, yet he has never gone to IC to understand why he's on them for over 20 yrs...same dose...problem solved!!! I guess I don't understand the emotional ignorance of some people. Your wife has no right to verbally abuse u, in front of your kids or in private. But that's when you have to understand boundaries and what is and is not acceptable. I no longer put up with my H's emotional manipulation. He is good tho and it's easy to fall prey to the drama. But all it simple takes is for you to say, "when ur ready to discuss matters in a mature way, I'll be here". Then you walk away. Boundaries are a hard thing for people to handle when they have never had any. And apply consequences to any lines that are crossed. I've had to sit my kids down and explain that it might feel like I don't love them, because they were so used to getting away with manipulation, but it's because I love them that there are rules. Kids aren't our friends, we need to remember that. Our job is to love them, take care of there needs, make them respect themselves and others and to prepare them for the real world. Stop blaming your wife and own your own dysfunctions and make the choice to change the only person you can...YOURSELF!!!! Best of luck, truth is hard to face, but ignorance is only going to get you exactly what you've got!!
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