Author USMCHokie Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 What does it mean "be confident" zengirl? How is that advice helpful to anyone? And here lies the ultimate question...people often answer this only with the abstract and avoid providing an actual process. Believe in yourself. So what are the steps to doing this? What process does this actually entail?
Author USMCHokie Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 You will you two love birds just go get god damn married and get off the damn LS boards!!!! ::stares and grumbles at ES and Hokie:: But then we'll just be sitting on the bed next to each other, laptops in hand, doing fierce battle on LS anyway. 1
Author USMCHokie Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 As TW says, the advice, "Just be confident" in a vacuum, with no instruction, is kind of silly. That doesn't mean developing confidence isn't important, but that it's not a "Just be" thing. More often, on here, the issue when confidence comes up isn't how outgoing someone is or isn't but how they are able to cope with rejection or not, which is why Pyro's definition of confidence was great. I would say the first thing most 'not confident' people need to work on, with dating, is dealing with rejection, potential and actual, real and perceived, in a positive manner and not fearing it or letting it threaten their own self-worth or self-concept. Again, this is abstract advice without a tangible course of action...deal with rejection...? That would imply that you need to approach more, yes? 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 And here lies the ultimate question...people often answer this only with the abstract and avoid providing an actual process. Believe in yourself. So what are the steps to doing this? What process does this actually entail? I'll write it down and get back to you
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 And here lies the ultimate question...people often answer this only with the abstract and avoid providing an actual process. Believe in yourself. So what are the steps to doing this? What process does this actually entail? Seriously, be confident and believe in yourself are two most useless bits of advice I ever got. 1
zengirl Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 And here lies the ultimate question...people often answer this the abstract and avoid providing an actual process. Believe in yourself. So what are the steps to doing this? What process does this actually entail? Everyone's journey is different. For me, it was really A LOT about accepting rejection and facing tons of it, as well as facing failure, my other big fear. A lot of confidence comes from knowing you can get through some really tough stuff, which means you have to be willing to crash and burn and be optimistic enough to be confident of a better day ahead when you do. There are different resources - professional help, friends, religions, philosophies, lifestyles - that people can use to enhance that process, but it's basically a few factors: 1.) Accepting and living with rejection and realizing that rejection doesn't change your actual value as a person, nor does acceptance. 2.) Accepting whatever happens and moving forward. 3.) Feeling safe in your own life (mentally as well as physically) and like you are comfortable and okay being who you are and where you are, even as you work to improve things. 3.1) The above includes accepting a lack of control in the world around you and knowing you will be okay. 4.) Developing a positive self-concept where your thoughts and actions align with your beliefs and priorities; different people value different things. When we are not acting with our OWN values, whether those are influenced by external things or not (most people's are to some degree), we feel less confident and have a lower self-worth. But that varies person-to-person. This can be done either by changing your actions or changing your beliefs. It's actually easier to change beliefs in many cases where someone might have a negative, hindering belief (i.e. Short men are worthless in dating)! And, yes, beliefs can be changed. That's a process that could take me tons of posts, though, and it's not 'easy' per se. It's easy as pie once you do it once, but hard to get the hang of at first. 5.) Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and finding balance and comfort from within. 6.) Trying to live without regret -- i.e. making the choices that you will least regret, which USUALLY leads to putting yourself out there more and ties in with the issues with rejection. . . . And probably lots of other things. There really is no one path. Everyone has his/her own. But there are many tools and tricks and paths available. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 And here lies the ultimate question...people often answer this only with the abstract and avoid providing an actual process. Believe in yourself. So what are the steps to doing this? What process does this actually entail? Do you really think that truly having confidence is something like flipping a switch, or just deciding "to be"?? Or that there's even a flow chart to follow to get it? There are no "steps" or "process," but rather, a way of being.
zengirl Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Again, this is abstract advice without a tangible course of action...deal with rejection...? That would imply that you need to approach more, yes? Well, that's only one kind of rejection. Many rejections aren't that clear-cut. So that's one way. Generally, a lot of it comes down to finding out the things you most fear, figuring out why you fear them, and doing what you need to do to kill that fear if it's irrational and a hindrance, as fear of rejection is. A fear of sticking your hand in fire is perfectly rational. The pain is unavoidable so far as we know and the physical damage certainly is. (Some physical pain is avoidable, mentally, perhaps. Always interesting to see studies on that.) Because the pain inflicted by rejection is ALL YOUR OWN DOING and there are no real ramifications if you refuse to feel that pain. You are choosing to feel that pain when you are rejected, it is not the product of rejection. Truly. With confidence, you can turn the pain off and channel it positively, though you can't stop the rejection. Doing so requires coming to a series of revelations and actually reflecting on how you can change your life and your beliefs, though, which is a personal process. There's no step by step manual because it's not just about what you do: it's about making a core modification to who you are, your self-concept, and your core beliefs. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Do you really think that truly having confidence is something like flipping a switch, or just deciding "to be"?? Or that there's even a flow chart to follow to get it? There are no "steps" or "process," but rather, a way of being. Were you born confident Star?
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Were you born confident Star? I was born a blank slate. I consider myself confident, but I'm not confident due to some switch I flipped or some list I checked off.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 With confidence, you can turn the pain off and channel it positively, though you can't stop the rejection. Doing so requires coming to a series of revelations and actually reflecting on how you can change your life and your beliefs, though, which is a personal process. There's no step by step manual because it's not just about what you do: it's about making a core modification to who you are, your self-concept, and your core beliefs. Love this. I'd add confidence is having positive core-beliefs about yourself in isolation, without relying on anyone else's views of you to form those beliefs.
BetheButterfly Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 In my continuing quest for a more in depth study of "confidence" as it relates to ***DATING***, I offer the following... "Be confident" is one of the most proliferated bits of dating advice you'll find anywhere, whether it's on LS, reading online articles, or talking with people in real life. But what does it really mean to "be confident"? When asked this, people will come up with a wide range of answers, including "believe in yourself," "do what you want and approach who you want without caring what others think," and "go after what you want." We might visualize a suave, well-dressed man who can smooth talk women, or a very social person who has presence and "owns a room." That is, we visualize an extrovert. On the other hand, an introvert who might be shy or reserved in public is often seen as being unconfident. Is "being confident" merely exhibiting the behaviors of an extrovert? There is an entire PUA industry that teaches methods of, in essence, "faking confidence," but isn't all that just encouraging an otherwise "unconfident" person to be more extroverted? Does that mean that introverts have no place in dating, or a very limited place? Should introverts be encouraged to act contrary to their nature and become extroverts? Dating is a social activity that is inherently external to the individual. If having confidence is knowing your real value and believing in yourself, does social confidence mean that you have to show it...? I think there are confident introverts. I'm one. However, I do think that more people associate confidence to extroverts, which is interesting and makes sense in that most extroverts tend to display confidence more than those who are happy being less "sociable." My husband and I are both introverts, which really helps us bond. We are both confident people, and we both appreciate socializing with our extrovert friends, who accept us how we are and love us because of who we are, as well as our introvert friends, who accept us how we are and love us too. So, I personally believe confidence doesn't have to do so much with being an extrovert or introvert, but rather believing positively about yourself, being secure in your own skin. There are insecure extroverts and there are insecure introverts. Security can be learned as people grow in understanding their own abilities and uniqueness. I don't think introverts should act as extroverts in order to date someone. Introverts definitely socialize too... they just as a bit more exclusive in how they they do so. They should not pretend to be what they aren't, because that could mislead someone. Both extroverts and introverts should be confident in who they are, accepting of themselves and each other, and enjoy life! People are diverse, and confidence doesn't have to do at all with which side of the "vert" a person leans, but rather on how they think about themselves!
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