Waiting until you're ready is a myth

July 11, 2012

Hey guys,

I found this on a blog the other day and I wanted to talk about it, ok!

If you don't think you're "ready" for something, that's all the more reason you should absolutely DO it. Seriously. That's just resistance talking. I've never felt "ready" for anything I've done so far. But I keep moving forward, anyway. Feeling "ready" is a big, giant, fat, ugly myth.
If you wait to feel "ready", you will never, ever start. Promise.
You won't ever get unstuck by standing still. You only GET "ready" by taking action, staying in action, and learning along the way. Ready, or not. Wait another year, and you've wasted 1 entire year of your life. Once it's gone, it's over. Done. Poof! Adios, amigos... And sadly, you'll be exactly where you are today. Waiting...

She wasn't talking about us OW or affairs but don't you think it applys to us too? I know that when I decided that I didn't want to be an OW anymore, I wasn't ready to make an ultimatum because I was really scared that he'd let me go. But I did it! And he did leave! (We're working thru allot of things.)

What do you guys think?

I'm thinking about the last lines and how it applys to us......Wait another year, and you'll be where you are today waiting. Are you guys where you want to be a year from now?

July 11, 2012

I agree.

I don't think fears are a good excuse. Fears are real. Fears are scary....but the only way to grow is to push past fear IMO.

I agree with the author. There are so many things I was afraid of doing or I thought well I'll do it at some other unnamed time when XYZ is perfect it was all stalling. The only way to get over it was to JUST DO IT! The chips will fall where they may after that. Usually you surprise yourself and realize you're stronger than you are, and usually things work out better than you expected.

Usually waiting though prolongs the anxiety and fear and leaves you stuck.

July 11, 2012

I agree.

I found that doing things shows why a change needed to be made in the first place.

However some of the bigger shifts may require some planning to ready oneself.

I advocate action and planning.

How are things going DL?

July 11, 2012

Hey guys,
I found this on a blog the other day and I wanted to talk about it, ok!

She wasn't talking about us OW or affairs but don't you think it applys to us too? I know that when I decided that I didn't want to be an OW anymore, I wasn't ready to make an ultimatum because I was really scared that he'd let me go. But I did it! And he did leave! (We're working thru allot of things.)

What do you guys think?

I'm thinking about the last lines and how it applys to us......Wait another year, and you'll be where you are today waiting. Are you guys where you want to be a year from now?

I don't agree at all. It may apply to silly things like are you going to jump into the icy looking sea or carry on lying on the broiling beach, but big life decisions? Ha!

I have far too often seen people pushed into things they weren't yet psychologically or emotionally ready to do, because of pressure and expectations or demands from others, with unsustainable or even devastating consequences. Dating again too soon after the death of a much loved partner, or applying for a big promotion too soon after starting in a new organisation, or leaving a marriage of decades for a lover, or tossing in your boring accounting career to follow your dream of being an actor... If you're not properly ready, the collapse can set you back damagingly and possibly even stop you ever taking another risk in your life ever again. I've seen it far too often.

When someone wants to take part in the Olympic games they spend years preparing and training to make sure they're ready. Any major decision needs the right readiness, not just bucking to the pressure of other people's timetables about where they think you should be in your life at that point. It's your own life, make your own choices, don't let anyone else push you around.

July 11, 2012

MM who leave the marriage before they are ready are the ones who start yo-yoing between the marriage and the EMR.

An OW who makes an ultimatum before she is ready will likely take the MM back.

Not to recommend either of these scenarios IMO.

I agree with this. I've lived it, successfully, and seen others fail. The difference was I had been through counselling and was ready to make the change. My wife was ready to make the change. Had either of us been pushed into things sooner, we would not have been ready and things would not have worked out for us, just as they did not work out for those others who were pushed into making changes they were not ready for.

July 11, 2012

I don't agree at all. It may apply to silly things like are you going to jump into the icy looking sea or carry on lying on the broiling beach, but big life decisions? Ha!

I have far too often seen people pushed into things they weren't yet psychologically or emotionally ready to do, because of pressure and expectations or demands from others, with unsustainable or even devastating consequences. Dating again too soon after the death of a much loved partner, or applying for a big promotion too soon after starting in a new organisation, or leaving a marriage of decades for a lover, or tossing in your boring accounting career to follow your dream of being an actor... If you're not properly ready, the collapse can set you back damagingly and possibly even stop you ever taking another risk in your life ever again. I've seen it far too often.

When someone wants to take part in the Olympic games they spend years preparing and training to make sure they're ready. Any major decision needs the right readiness, not just bucking to the pressure of other people's timetables about where they think you should be in your life at that point. It's your own life, make your own choices, don't let anyone else push you around.

The getting ready, the preparation is all part of the action. People preparing for the Olympics are typically right where they want to be, preparing for the Olympics. I know that I enjoy training as well as competing and would not want to eliminate either.

Similarly, someone preparing to divorce, seeing a lawyer, negotiating with their spouse, may be preparing for the life they want and doing the necessary preparation to get there. That, in some ways, is in analogy with your Olympics reference and I don't think anyone would disagree with the importance of these steps.

But, what we see more often here, is someone who is in an A, as the WS or the OW/OM, and not actually liking the sneaking around, the deception, the uncertainty of whether this will stay a secret A, end, or turn into a committed and out in the open R. And, yet, they stay in this state, continuing to lie, hide, often saying such behavior is not something they admire, but apparently thinking having both the M and the A or having the WS part-time in this secret way, is better than the alternatives. They may be either settling and waiting or not acknowledging that this deceptive life is actually serving their own selfish needs - not fully owning their choices. That is what we often see here and it is not in analogy to preparing for the Olympics. One is to be admired and respected and the other is not.

July 11, 2012

The getting ready, the preparation is all part of the action. People preparing for the Olympics are typically right where they want to be, preparing for the Olympics. I know that I enjoy training as well as competing and would not want to eliminate either.

Similarly, someone preparing to divorce, seeing a lawyer, negotiating with their spouse, may be preparing for the life they want and doing the necessary preparation to get there. That, in some ways, is in analogy with your Olympics reference and I don't think anyone would disagree with the importance of these steps.

But, what we see more often here, is someone who is in an A, as the WS or the OW/OM, and not actually liking the sneaking around, the deception, the uncertainty of whether this will stay a secret A, end, or turn into a committed and out in the open R. And, yet, they stay in this state, continuing to lie, hide, often saying such behavior is not something they admire, but apparently thinking having both the M and the A or having the WS part-time in this secret way, is better than the alternatives. They may be either settling and waiting or not acknowledging that this deceptive life is actually serving their own selfish needs - not fully owning their choices. That is what we often see here and it is not in analogy to preparing for the Olympics. One is to be admired and respected and the other is not.

The OP speaks about "just doing it" rather than preparing, and also spoke about things like issuing an ultimatum which implies pushing someone else into making a decision they may not be ready to make. If preparing was included, the OP would surely not have said "just do it" but rather, get started, start preparing, get your ducks in a row or some such thing. "just do it" sounds to me like just take the plunge, not, OK, make a sensible plan and then carry it out. If the OP meant that, surely that is what she would have said?

July 11, 2012

Oh jeez, I read and got the idea that the EMR was over because she was sick of being an OW.

Did I totally get that wrong?

July 11, 2012

The OP speaks about "just doing it" rather than preparing, and also spoke about things like issuing an ultimatum which implies pushing someone else into making a decision they may not be ready to make. If preparing was included, the OP would surely not have said "just do it" but rather, get started, start preparing, get your ducks in a row or some such thing. "just do it" sounds to me like just take the plunge, not, OK, make a sensible plan and then carry it out. If the OP meant that, surely that is what she would have said?

Here is the OP:

If you don't think you're "ready" for something, that's all the more reason you should absolutely DO it. Seriously. That's just resistance talking. I've never felt "ready" for anything I've done so far. But I keep moving forward, anyway. Feeling "ready" is a big, giant, fat, ugly myth.
If you wait to feel "ready", you will never, ever start. Promise.
You won't ever get unstuck by standing still. You only GET "ready" by taking action, staying in action, and learning along the way. Ready, or not. Wait another year, and you've wasted 1 entire year of your life. Once it's gone, it's over. Done. Poof! Adios, amigos... And sadly, you'll be exactly where you are today. Waiting...

No where does it say one should not prepare. In fact, it talks about "moving forward", "start", "taking action", and not "standing still".

Preparing is definitely not standing still or being stuck, it is taking action, exactly what the OP says. So often we see people here who are really stuck and not taking action. Someone who is actively preparing and moving forward toward the life they want is someone who is taking the message in the OP to heart. For Daisy, issuing an ultimatum was the action she took, for others it will be different. The key is to live your life now, actively, and not simply stand still in an unhappy situation.

July 11, 2012

Wow, sincerity seems to be in short demand here. I thought the topic (as opposed to the posters) was a good one to discuss, waiting versus doing, passive versus active, is one year of one's life too long to not be actively moving forward to where one wants to be, but maybe the topic hits too many personal buttons for some?

July 11, 2012

Oh jeez, I read and got the idea that the EMR was over because she was sick of being an OW.

Did I totally get that wrong?

I don't think you got it wrong. I think he left his W, but that doesn't mean the baggage from the A is gone.

July 11, 2012

OMG. I'm on break and come here and everybody is fighting! What the? The quote was an uplifting quote, why are you guys fighting?

July 11, 2012

I think the person who has the strength and determination to love themselves enough that they won't tolerate pain and disrespect and less than what they want in a relationship is an admirable quality and to be admired.

I find it sad that it's being implied that the op forced her mm to leave before he was ready. Last time I checked we all have freewill and are able to make our own choices.

Frankly...how many OW have successfully forced their MM to leave?

The man leaves of his own volition or not.

Whether it was done prematurely or not is on HIM --- not anyone else.

If someone wants to hold a grown man's hand as he straddles a comfortable fence..then that's their choice. If you want to be an OW for all eternity, then this is a great idea actually. Do not rock the boat or do anything to scare the poor wimp off of his fence. However, if you don't want that, then stating you don't and stating your terms and walking away if it isn't met is the smart decision. If he chooses to follow you, then that is on HIM. If he follows you and then decides he isn't ready...that's on HIM as well.

One way or another you find out how spineless or courageous a man is and then you make decisions based on that. But not making decisions and being inert is pointless. You have one life to live and I'd rather be living it than being chained to some MM's fence with him.

July 11, 2012

You have one life to live and I'd rather be living it than being chained to some MM's fence with him.

By the same logic, the only person chaining you to the fence is yourself. If you choose to spend your life chaining yourself to a fence that is your choice made freely of your own volition. If you tire of it you are free to unchain yourself and find another fence.

Some people like fences, others like open countryside. To each their own.

July 11, 2012

By the same logic, the only person chaining you to the fence is yourself. If you choose to spend your life chaining yourself to a fence that is your choice made freely of your own volition. If you tire of it you are free to unchain yourself and find another fence.

Some people like fences, others like open countryside. To each their own.

To each their own indeed. Each person is where they choose to be rightly.

If one dislikes fences, don't stay there and then complain or wait for the fence to topple over. Move on.

If you quite enjoy fences, then I'm sure you'll find something to do while there...like painting it or some such lol.

July 11, 2012

To each their own indeed. Each person is where they choose to be rightly.

If one dislikes fences, don't stay there and then complain or wait for the fence to topple over. Move on.

If you quite enjoy fences, then I'm sure you'll find something to do while there...like painting it or some such lol.

Painting it, :laugh:

But what you say is exactly right. Often posters come here chained to a fence and unhappy and they can benefit from some support and encouragement to take the leap and leave the fence. Then the topic of this thread is very relevant. If they keep waiting, standing still next to the fence, they are likely to remain unhappy. But, if they follow the advice in the OP and make a move toward a life that they want, they may still be unhappy for a while, but they will be moving closer to what makes them happy.

July 11, 2012

Painting it, :laugh:

But what you say is exactly right. Often posters come here chained to a fence and unhappy and they can benefit from some support and encouragement to take the leap and leave the fence. Then the topic of this thread is very relevant. If they keep waiting, standing still next to the fence, they are likely to remain unhappy. But, if they follow the advice in the OP and make a move toward a life that they want, they may still be unhappy for a while, but they will be moving closer to what makes them happy.

Ditto...and herein lies the difference between the Happy OW/OM and the one who seems unhappy or at best, conflicted.

I imagine the authenically Happy OW is one who much likes fences. Being beside the fence is enjoyable to them. They will paint it, admire it, touch it, pull the weeds growing around it and it is ALL part of a package they chose to sign up for. Or at the very least they an ability by which the fence isn't material to them and they can see the meadow beyond it, the sunshine above it and that's fine enough.However, the ones who are by the fence, pushing it, shaking it, wondering when it will topple over, complaining about all the weeds and old paint, wishing instead of a fence it were a swimming pool lol, wishing they could play in the meadow beyond it etc, are likely those who don't much like fences but are there hoping for something different.

For the latter group perhaps they should stop waiting for the day it topples over spontaneously or trough default by dry rot and weathering. Instead, maybe they should be the ones to move, just do it. Take some action and see what else is beyond it instead of waiting indefinitely.

Edited July 11, 2012 by MissBee

July 11, 2012

Frankly...how many OW have successfully forced their MM to leave?

Ha! I'm pretty sure there were times I would have done, given half a chance! I remember having a really upsetting dream during the affair, that we were in WW2, he and I, and I lost him (I used to have lots of dreams where I was searching for him, or he was injured etc) and eventually I found him and he was in a makeshift hospital in France and when (with the sound of gunfire overhead) I asked him why we couldn't run away together he pulled his blanket away to reveal he was in a wheelchair. A very good friend wet himself laughing when I told him about that dream and said I hardly needed to get Freud on the line for that one!!

So I didn't force him, the ultimatums hadn't worked. I eventually accepted he did not have what it took to be with me and give me what I wanted; it was time I stopped pining and started having fun (with another guy). I'd never have loved that other guy in the same way, but I had to kick myself in the ar$e and get on with things.

July 11, 2012

Ha! I'm pretty sure there were times I would have done, given half a chance! I remember having a really upsetting dream during the affair, that we were in WW2, he and I, and I lost him (I used to have lots of dreams where I was searching for him, or he was injured etc) and eventually I found him and he was in a makeshift hospital in France and when (with the sound of gunfire overhead) I asked him why we couldn't run away together he pulled his blanket away to reveal he was in a wheelchair. A very good friend wet himself laughing when I told him about that dream and said I hardly needed to get Freud on the line for that one!!

So I didn't force him, the ultimatums hadn't worked. I eventually accepted he did not have what it took to be with me and give me what I wanted; it was time I stopped pining and started having fun (with another guy). I'd never have loved that other guy in the same way, but I had to kick myself in the ar$e and get on with things.

That's so poignant. The subconscious mind is one hell of a thing!

I highly doubt an OW can make a MM leave his marriage if he truly doesn't want to. He may think he is ready and choose to leave and then run back. It's not the OW's fault...it's his own wrong judgment of himself and his readiness. If most OW had that power, most of these stories wouldn't come here, most OW still waiting year after year wouldn't be...yet those cases are in abundance. When a man makes an action it's his action to make. It's not the OW winning or losing by her own effort in his choice...it's him choosing or not choosing in a manner that is a favorable or unfavorable to her.

It's upsetting to me that no matter what, someone else is to blame and not the MM. If a MM stays married, it's because the BS is twisting his arm and forcing NC on him and forcing him to end his A. If a MM leaves and runs back or leaves and displays behavior that makes his fidelity questionable..it's the OW's fault. If she only waited some more he'd somehow be a better man. The onus is on wife or OW to make this man better or wait for eternity for him to change. You're not a good wife if your husband is cheating and you're not a good OW if you don't wait for him to grow a spine.

It's just garbage honestly. As women, as people, we can't do this to ourselves. We choose and other people choose too. Is NO MM a MAN??? Is every married man a spineless twit tossed about by other people? Obviously your MM made up his own mind and loss the wheel chair...when he first ran back, it wasn't your fault for "forcing him" and now that he's with you, if he cheated it wouldn't be your fault because you didn't wait long enough. I think it is a disservice to deny that people have stable characters. We can be influenced by others, but largely we choose who we want to be and how we want to act. It is such a huge pressure to attribute someone's behavior, activities or inactivity to you. It is so damaging to internalize that responsibility. You could have only made yourself choose and that you rightfully did...he followed suit of his own volition

Edited July 11, 2012 by MissBee

July 11, 2012

The OP speaks about "just doing it" rather than preparing, and also spoke about things like issuing an ultimatum which implies pushing someone else into making a decision they may not be ready to make. If preparing was included, the OP would surely not have said "just do it" but rather, get started, start preparing, get your ducks in a row or some such thing. "just do it" sounds to me like just take the plunge, not, OK, make a sensible plan and then carry it out. If the OP meant that, surely that is what she would have said?

(I'm just starting off my reply based on this post, then kind of going off from there...)

If the MP isn't ready to take the plunge, maybe they shouldn't have jumped off the diving board. For some reason there are a lot of people who are perfectly willing to get themselves into situations that they're not capable/willing to get themselves out of. Now part of that is the AP's fault for assuming that a MP wouldn't get into the affair unless they were really unhappy in their M and wanted out. The truth is many MP get into the A without a plan to leave, and maybe they aren't ready to make that decision to leave.

And that's fine, as long as they haven't made a million promises to the AP along the way. If you're not ready, don't build up the AP with talk of a future together, and certainly don't make explicit promises to leave the M. Because that makes it sound like you ARE ready, and you need to "just do it". If you're up-front and honest about your mindset from the beginning, then fine, but when you keep promising that you're going to hop down off the fence someday, it's no wonder some people stick around longer than they otherwise would.

July 11, 2012

(I'm just starting off my reply based on this post, then kind of going off from there...)

If the MP isn't ready to take the plunge, maybe they shouldn't have jumped off the diving board. For some reason there are a lot of people who are perfectly willing to get themselves into situations that they're not capable/willing to get themselves out of. Now part of that is the AP's fault for assuming that a MP wouldn't get into the affair unless they were really unhappy in their M and wanted out. The truth is many MP get into the A without a plan to leave, and maybe they aren't ready to make that decision to leave.

And that's fine, as long as they haven't made a million promises to the AP along the way. If you're not ready, don't build up the AP with talk of a future together, and certainly don't make explicit promises to leave the M. Because that makes it sound like you ARE ready, and you need to "just do it". If you're up-front and honest about your mindset from the beginning, then fine, but when you keep promising that you're going to hop down off the fence someday, it's no wonder some people stick around longer than they otherwise would.

I so agree.

Many people get in over their heads and it's only when their head is under water do they realize they are in too deep.

Don't make promises you can't keep. Unfortunately in love/lust/infatuation/post-orgasmic bliss, people may promise the world and then some, then when all that cools down they realize they jumped the gun. Some have the courage to admit they might have spoken too soon, while some may realize they did but don't want to hurt the person so they continue on pretending and when the person asks they just keep lying. It's also not odd that if a MM cannot divorce because he doesn't want to hurt his wife and is so "duty bound"...that if he did make promises to the OW that he can't keep, he would exhibit the SAME avoidance behavior to avoid hurting her, which is who he is and his learned response.

In the same vein, when we realize someone is making a promise they can't keep, instead of forcing them to keep it or hoping that although they said this year and it is now "next year", "oh next next year" OR "hmmm it may or may not happen". It is up to us to get a clue and make our own choice in spite of their unfulfilled promises. When you make your choice...just do it.

Edited July 11, 2012 by MissBee

July 11, 2012

Wow, sincerity seems to be in short demand here. I thought the topic (as opposed to the posters) was a good one to discuss, waiting versus doing, passive versus active, is one year of one's life too long to not be actively moving forward to where one wants to be, but maybe the topic hits too many personal buttons for some?

Jeez, too many personal buttons for sure!

For the record, I told him that I wasn't happy being an OW and I wanted to be with him. You guys make it sound like I broke some OW rule by standing up for myself!

July 11, 2012

Jeez, too many personal buttons for sure!

For the record, I told him that I wasn't happy being an OW and I wanted to be with him. You guys make it sound like I broke some OW rule by standing up for myself!

You have to be true to yourself. Do what's right for you.

Good for you for standing up for yourself!

July 11, 2012

My opinion is you shouldn't be in an EMR if you are waiting. Be in an EMR because you want to have a relationship with this person and are enjoying the relationship you have, not because you are waiting for it to turn into something else. You can still hope it will turn into more, but if it does that is just a bonus.

Just like when I told him I wouldn't stay his OW, it's pointless to me to stay in a R that's going nowhere. I'm not as passive as you I guess.

Trinity, I left class early today to see my counsellor because I was thinkin about my quote in justaposition to your answer. I posted my quote looking for encouragement and your answer wasnt encouraging at all, but it was real important to me because it helped me realize what kind of person I dont want to be!! I don't want to be a girl who posts on OW sights all the time to convince myself and everybody that I've got it good. To be an OW you need good self delusion techniques and I give you props for excelling at it cuz I wasn't good at it at all. I don't want to lie to myself and others about how good things are. I don't to pretend I'm happy with part of him cuz I couldn't have all of him! cuz I know I'm better than that!! Trinity, I'm so so happy for you that you enjoy your R as it is, but see, I want to have hope for everything that's to come!! Your post reminded me how many opportunitys I had when I was single and how much hope i had! and guess what? life's too short!

I'm going to keep reading my quote and remembering that if I want something, I should GO FOR IT! and not be scared of anything. I want to stand up for myself and not pretend that I can accept things as they are, it will be ok. You know that Michael Jackson song called Don't Stop Till You Get Enough? That's in my head now cuz of your post, and it's soooo true!!!

Thank you Trinity!!!

Please say you'll keep posting here cuz your sitch is powerful to other OW about tricking ourselves into taking less than we deserve! I sure hope everything works out for you ok!

Ok! Now everybody! You know you got that Michael Jackson song stuck in your head now! Let's get up and dance!! I'm happy I'm gonna be free with all new beginnings ahead! He'll be furious that I left his house so messy and charged up his AMEX, but I don't care! Let's dance!!!

July 11, 2012

He'll be furious that I left his house so messy and charged up his AMEX, but I don't care!

Do you want him to remember you as the crazy exOW who screwed him over at the end? As I said on your other thread, if you do this, be prepared for the consquences and own what you've done.

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