Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy. Story inside

July 10, 2012

Need help confronting her, not sure what to do next.

Background:

* She begin flirting with the guy two years ago kind of became flirty friends both in person and via text. The further they got sexually was exchanging a couple of nude pics via text.

* They never hooked up because my fiancé wanted it to date him, but he indicated to her that he was playing the field at the time and does not want to settle down. They continued to flirt via text for the past two years.

* After my fiancé and I got engaged a year ago, she soon moved to my town. She has since been back to her hometown 5 times.

* The last two times she has been back to her hometown she herself made an effort to reach out to him and to try to meet up either late at night while drinking or to just hang out with him one on one during the day.

* The second to last time she went, they texted back and forth over 100 times with her initiating most of the texts. Late night, during the day, etc.

* The last time she went to her hometown, it was for her bachelorette party. She again initiated texts with him, invited him to hang out with her, and called him late at night to meet up while on the way back to the hotel with her girlfriends. He did not respond because he was in bed with his now serious girlfriend but texted her and said he’ll get up put some clothes on and meet her for a drink. She declined because she felt awkward leaving her hotel room which she was sharing with the girls. The next morning all the girls went to brunch and he stopped in for 5 minutes to say hello because he was going to brunch with his friends anyways. After lunch, she went straight to the airport. So nothing happened at her bachelorette party.

* **I know all this because I read her texts and looked through her calls. All the texts are very flirty in nature and are “pre-hook” up texts.** She also does not delete any of the texts so that it seems innocent conversation (which it is not anyway) because I can tell from the phone bill records that the texts match what is left on her phone. I also verified all her whereabouts randomly with her friends and through other text messages she wrote at the time and our conversations/phone calls.

* She is clearly the one initiating everything and is looking to meet up with him and you do not have to be a genius to tell that she was looking for a hook up while reading her texts. She is perfectly aware that he has a serious girlfriend.

**How do I confront her and what should I do next? I do not want her to know that I looked through her phone or that I have the ability to see call records --- she is oblivious to the fact that I would even consider doing any “spying” on her because we have a very trusting relationship.** Our wedding is in 9 nights. **Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.**

My best friend recommends talking to my fiance and telling her that the girlfriend of the guy found the texts in his phone and called me about it.

July 10, 2012

* **I know all this because I read her texts and looked through her calls. All the texts are very flirty in nature and are “pre-hook” up texts.** She also does not delete any of the texts so that it seems innocent conversation (which it is not anyway) because I can tell from the phone bill records that the texts match what is left on her phone. I also verified all her whereabouts randomly with her friends and through other text messages she wrote at the time and our conversations/phone calls.
* She is clearly the one initiating everything and is looking to meet up with him and you do not have to be a genius to tell that she was looking for a hook up while reading her texts. She is perfectly aware that he has a serious girlfriend.

**How do I confront her and what should I do next?

You tell her straight up she has been suspicious, it prompted you to do some investigating and you have all the proof you need.

Then tell her you want the ring back, have a nice life and f*** you very much.

I do not want her to know that I looked through her phone or that I have the ability to see call records --- she is oblivious to the fact that I would even consider doing any “spying” on her because we have a very trusting relationship.

I wouldn't worry about it. She has no business getting mad at you. She is a cheater.

If you don't break off this engagement, I guarantee you that you will be dealing with a cheating wife in the future.

** Our wedding is in 9 nights. **Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.**

Tell her its off NOW!!!!

My best friend recommends talking to my fiance and telling her that the girlfriend of the guy found the texts in his phone and called me about it.

No, because she'll just deny it. She needs to know that SHE has been caught.

Don't worry about what she thinks of your snooping. She is a cheater, who gives a s**t what she thinks?

July 10, 2012

The one thing that my husband taught me about relationships is to always put yourself in the other's shoes. Obviously she doesn't know that you have gone through her texts, which does violate the trust aspect of your relationship, but it's done.. Anyhow, she should see (with your knowledge or not) that it is inappropriate to send flirty texts (NUDES) to this other guy.... it would be trouble for you if the situation were reversed. BELIEVE ME! Sit down with her as soon as possible. Especially since next week she will be your wife. not exactly a make or break situation, I hope, but she should be more than ready to remove this man from her life. He has a serious girlfriend anyway. There is no reason, especially if they have never had sex, to continue these flirty exchanges because her life should be intermingled with yours and yours alone.

July 10, 2012

I'm sorry...but she doesn't love you. She's been chasing after someone for nearly two years, and if they haven't had sex it was not from her lack of trying. She is a liar, a cheat, and is unworthy of your love.

She has been able to tell you she loves you, plan a wedding and in matter of only nine days from now take her vows to you in front of family and friends with this huge lie in her heart.

Even if you confront her, and she begs for forgiveness and promises to never do this again to you. Do you honestly think you will ever truly trust her, or be able stop monitoring her phone and dissecting everything she says and does.

This will slowly destroy you, and kill your soul.

Cancel the wedding. Tell her you know what she's been up to.

You deserve better than this. You can walk away, find someone worthy of you.

July 10, 2012

Why are you playing coy, and sneaking around---You are getting married in 10 days to this woman, who in the meantime, wants to have sex with another guy---what is it you need to understand

You just tell her she is screwing around on you, you know it, and you are not going to marry her---its that simple---at least I would hope you are not gonna marry her, there is no argument, no discussion, no anything, there is you making your statement, and walking away.

She has little or no respect for you, you are in a stage where normally the 2 who are about to take vows, know that no one else exists,but the 2 of them, they are starry-eyed lovers---you, what do you have, a woman, who is out looking for sex with other men

I do not care one whit, that things were paid for, and guests will be unhappy---if you marry this woman, your life will be one of total misery

If you intend to be with her no matter what, then at least call this wedding off, and try to get her head straight---but you can't just go and marry a woman, who is looking for sex 10 days prior to her wedding!!!!!!

July 11, 2012

I would guess that she is feeling the "walls of marriage closing in". This is what she is telling herself anyway. This then causes her to aggressively try to get her last little fling in... to test how she really feels anyway.

All of that may be what she is thinking and will likely be what she explains to you once you confront her BUT IT IS BULLSHYTE!!

It's all just an excuse to indulge herself. After your married it will be "My marriage is boring" or some other tryte crap to justify banging some guy at the gym or the UPS guy or whatever. SERIOUSLY. Marriage material that girl is not.

You likely feel immense pressure from the money already paid for wedding arrangments, family flying in from wherever, tux's rented, dressess bought... BUT IGNORE THAT. Does any of that really add up to the trauma this broad is doling out on you? If you cancel the wedding THE GUILT IS ON HER!

July 11, 2012

You have no obligation to marry this woman... if she would do this NOW, she would do it time and time again AFTER you were married, too. Better you found out sooner than later; try to see it that way. There is nothing justifiable in her behavior. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache and betrayal, and walk away. I'm so sorry, this must be so painful for you. Best wishes to you.

July 11, 2012

Tell her that the wedding is off. You know damnwell that if the guy was willing, she would have taken this to physical intimacy in a New York minute without any reguard for you or your feelings.

Even after you are married, this is going to continue. You know it and I know it. Do you want to deal with this then? When you union is legal? And then you have to divide up 50% of your stuff to give to her (marital assets)

you need to put a stop to this before it's too late.

July 11, 2012

Your fiance is a person who compartmentalizes things that should NOT be separated -- an intimate, faithful relationship with you (indicated by your upcoming marriage) she can apparently keep separated from her attempts at running after an unavailable guy -- her texting him a hundred times in one day (!) and sending a nude photo of herself and trying to lure him over to sex him just days before her wedding.

Why are you apparently 'okay' with this? Why do you seem to be more concerned at your lessor 'crime' of checking up on her activities?! You appear to be missing the point here -- your wife to be is incapable of being faithful to you, she does not wish to be truthful to you, and she is actively trying to get him to fkck her! And you are worried about her yelling at you for reading her phone messages behind her back?!

Who the hell cares what she thinks of your investigating? So what if she is annoyed that you found out she is lying to you and untrustworthy? That is not the point. The point is that you should see all this as big red flags waving you down, stopping you from making her your wife.

It's okay, don't punish her -- just tell her kindly she is not who you thought she was, that you are not as liberal as she is sexually, and you don't want her. Tell her goodbye and goodluck and be absolutely clear you don't want her back under any circumstances (no matter how much she tries to convince you that she didn't actually do anything bad).... eventually she will get over you and find someone else like her, or someone else who will tolerate her, or will not know about her. Be glad you found out now, not later.

Call off the wedding -- simply tell people that you both have 'cold feet' for now and need more time and you will let them know. Then privately, to close family and friends, you tell them the real reason. Who cares what the rest of the guests think... let them fill in the blanks.

You asked for advice on how to confront her? Tell her simply, I'm sorry honey but I'm calling off the wedding because I have realized how different you are and whereas I though you were capable of honesty and faithfulness, I found out you are not. So, goodbye, and good luck. No need to be mean to her. She's just different to you. Go find someone who you can trust.

July 11, 2012

I don't have anything to say that's significantly different from the responses above. However, just for the timeline, I'd like to clear up a point:

* She begin flirting with the guy two years ago kind of became flirty friends both in person and via text. The further they got sexually was exchanging a couple of nude pics via text.

Everyone who has commented seems to be assuming she sent the nudes to him while she was with you, but since her contact with him started 2 years ago, and you said you got engaged a year ago, but you didn't say when you started a committed relationship, I'm wondering when the two of you got together, when the nudes got sent out, and when you were engaged. How are all of those things arranged on the timeline?

Like I said, it doesn't change my opinion much, given her activities after you were engaged, but just wondering...

July 11, 2012

let her think wedding is still on, and on that day hop on a plane for a 2 week vacation

start planning now!

July 11, 2012

Here's my advice if you still go forward with the wedding:

DO NOT have joint anything. Don't put both names on any vehicle, home, bank account, credit card, etc. Should she continue her ways and you end up divorcing because of it, it will make the divorce easier. If she never cheats and you never divorce, then it's no big deal if everything is separated.

July 11, 2012

**How do I confront her and what should I do next? I do not want her to know that I looked through her phone or that I have the ability to see call records --- she is oblivious to the fact that I would even consider doing any “spying” on her because we have a very trusting relationship.**

You are too cute. 2 weeks ago I would just assume you are a troll, but I swear what little respect for the human race I had, has evaporated after reading hundreds of stories similiar to yours. I've become such a cynic, I've turned into optimist in that I actually believe you wrote the above in earnest.

My suggestion is to have an open marriage, which is what she'll be having anyway, so you might as well embrace it.

July 11, 2012

If you marry this woman you will regret it for the rest of your life. SHE WILL CHEAT! Save yourself your time, money and feelings. It is better to suffer the breakup now than to marry her, buy a home together, have kids, divorce, pay child support and maybe alimony and lose half of your sh-t! TELL HER IT'S OFF AND TO HAVE A GREAT LIFE!!!

July 11, 2012

Tell her point blank that you've changed your mind about marrying her because you know what she's been up to behind your back. It's that simple.

Tell her goodbye and that you deserve a woman who will love and adore you, not need attention from other men.

Watch for her hysterical crocodile tears - A (over) reaction, desparation pleading and begging.. Don't let her manipulate or fool you into changing your mind.

July 11, 2012

Just one more vote for...

Um, dude, don't marry this chick. Be glad you found out before you got married. It could've been 19 years and 2 kids later. Consider yourself lucky to have discovered it. Run.

July 11, 2012

I don't see how you could stand up with her at the alter and listen to her profess her undying love and devotion to you when you would know that it isn't true!

July 11, 2012

To have and hold in sickness and in health, to love and obey, till death do us part----can you look her in the face and not wanna puke in 10 days, as she looks you in the eyes, and says these vows.

July 11, 2012

I don't see how you could stand up with her at the alter and listen to her profess her undying love and devotion to you when you would know that it isn't true!

Really - like if they ask "Is there anyone who knows why this man and this woman should not be joined..." how could you stand there? Don't you owe that honesty to yourself, just as much as any guest owes you?

July 11, 2012

let her think wedding is still on, and on that day hop on a plane for a 2 week vacation

start planning now!

This would get him sued. Easily. She could clean him out for emotional and financial damages regardless of what she *might* have done.

Case in the US not long ago like that.

July 11, 2012

Just call and cancel the wedding. Be glad she did this before marriage.

July 11, 2012

Read in bold.

Need help confronting her, not sure what to do next.
Background:
* She begin flirting with the guy two years ago kind of became flirty friends both in person and via text. The further they got sexually was exchanging a couple of nude pics via text.
You do not say for how long the two of you have been together, if you were still together at that time, she was in the wrong.
* They never hooked up because my fiancé wanted it to date him, but he indicated to her that he was playing the field at the time and does not want to settle down. They continued to flirt via text for the past two years.
While you two were still together, yes, this is a major redflag.
* After my fiancé and I got engaged a year ago, she soon moved to my town. She has since been back to her hometown 5 times.
Not necessarily a red flag, but in the context ...
* The last two times she has been back to her hometown she herself made an effort to reach out to him and to try to meet up either late at night while drinking or to just hang out with him one on one during the day.
MAJOR red flag.
* The second to last time she went, they texted back and forth over 100 times with her initiating most of the texts. Late night, during the day, etc.
See above.
* The last time she went to her hometown, it was for her bachelorette party. She again initiated texts with him, invited him to hang out with her, and called him late at night to meet up while on the way back to the hotel with her girlfriends. He did not respond because he was in bed with his now serious girlfriend but texted her and said he’ll get up put some clothes on and meet her for a drink. She declined because she felt awkward leaving her hotel room which she was sharing with the girls. The next morning all the girls went to brunch and he stopped in for 5 minutes to say hello because he was going to brunch with his friends anyways. After lunch, she went straight to the airport. So nothing happened at her bachelorette party.
I think he was supposed to be her present at the party.
* **I know all this because I read her texts and looked through her calls. All the texts are very flirty in nature and are “pre-hook” up texts.** She also does not delete any of the texts so that it seems innocent conversation (which it is not anyway) because I can tell from the phone bill records that the texts match what is left on her phone. I also verified all her whereabouts randomly with her friends and through other text messages she wrote at the time and our conversations/phone calls.
She doesn't seem to care at all about you.
* She is clearly the one initiating everything and is looking to meet up with him and you do not have to be a genius to tell that she was looking for a hook up while reading her texts. She is perfectly aware that he has a serious girlfriend.
Good to know, she can't claim she was innocent in all of this.

**How do I confront her and what should I do next? I do not want her to know that I looked through her phone or that I have the ability to see call records --- she is oblivious to the fact that I would even consider doing any “spying” on her because we have a very trusting relationship.** Our wedding is in 9 nights. **Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.**
Trusting my ass, she thinks you are a welcome mat and she is wiping her feet on you.

My best friend recommends talking to my fiance and telling her that the girlfriend of the guy found the texts in his phone and called me about it.

No negotiation, no nothing.

You print it all, save the proof in several copies, and you kick her out of your life pronto.

From what you wrote she was unfaithfull the entire length of your relationship, do you want a lifetime of reading her messages and having her followed ?

Why do you want that stress ?

Kick her out, and if she protests or involves the families you show them the texts.

I don't think even her own family will stand behind her on this one, and if they do, it just goes to show you how messed up they are.

Let me be clear on this.

Marry this girl if you have a cuckold fetish and want to explore it, but only after you explored it, not now.

Marry this girl now, if you want a lifetime of stress followed by an early death by heart attack.

Call of the wedding if you dislike the above options.

Don't worry about the preparations, the expenses ... she messed it all up.

dreamingoftigers, in our law system we have this option where if the wedding is called off on account of infidelity by one of the partners, the BS can sue for damages.

July 11, 2012

dreamingoftigers, in our law system we have this option where if the wedding is called off on account of infidelity by one of the partners, the BS can sue for damages.

Sure, but why encourage HIM to be a drama queen? Setting aside the questions of legality and liability, it will set off a plenty big enough bomb - in all the right places - for him to simply and resolutely do what needs to be done. Why pull a big switcheroo at the altar and waste all those other people's time and energy - bring all the extra drama down on people who don't deserve it?

Keep your eye on the prize; do what needs to be done.

July 11, 2012

Go back and print copies of those texts. Your word against hers, you lose. A LOT of people are going to be ticked that you cancelled the wedding. You need proof.

July 11, 2012

Go back and print copies of those texts. Your word against hers, you lose. A LOT of people are going to be ticked that you cancelled the wedding. You need proof.

Good point. He needs to be able to show that the responsibility for the wedding not taking place is on her, not him.

And if her father is paying for this, oh boy he aint going to be happy with his little princess. And if he doesn't care and is mad at him anyway, then it just shows it isn't a family he wants to be involved with anyway.

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Getting married in 10 days - fiance caught trying to hook up with a guy. Story inside

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