brandi_mama Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Sorry this is so long! - This is extremely difficult for me to type, as I do not talk to anyone about the issues I have going on with my other half and I mean no one if you don’t count him or myself. Just to give some background of our relationship/marriage and where it started to go downhill. We have been together for 6 years, married for 4 years and we have a 3-year-old son together. When we met, we hit it off right away, however, I feel that we were young and should have gotten to know each other much more before running off to get married. The reason for the rush, he is a German citizen and needed to become a permanent resident or citizen in order to remain in the states to be with me. Everything was great at first, we were very close, did everything together, except, during the first full 1 year of our marriage, he was unable to work during the process of him becoming a permanent resident and getting his work visa. He was depressed, we were fighting all of the time, he was drinking every day, I tried to be understanding and support him the best I could. I would stay up late nights, sometimes until 2am researching, applying, emailing, for jobs for him, I had a full time job that required me to work 45-60 hours per week at this time. I found out he was chatting with other women online, which really upset me, obviously, and this is when the trust issues began. He promised to stop and he did, for a while. When I got pregnant, the fighting, disagreements started again.. He wasn’t really there for me during my pregnancy, always out, did not come to my baby shower, however, it was a co-ed shower, he left me the night I came home from the hospital even though I begged him to stay because I was so exhausted, I just had a baby, but he claimed to have “business” to take care of. My day old baby started developing a fever and being that my husband had our car out, I had no way to get medicine for the baby. I called him to get home quick, I was scared for my baby. Well, he did not come home that night and the next afternoon I decided to through our phone records, he had made some calls at around 3am and at this point I was really worried so I called the number and it was a women he had met at the party! He told her that he was not with anyone and lived alone, I was so hurt! I also found out that he had been drinking, attempted to drive home drunk and got pulled over. He was arrested for a DUI and was put in jail. I had to find a sitter for my newborn, have my mother take me to get my car out of impound, which cost me an arm and a leg, then go pick him up from jail. It was really quite the turning point for me and I had, had enough of his selfish behavior. I started not to respect him, we fought more and more and I finally asked him for a separation. During the 6-month separation, we both were seeing other people. We decided to get back together and leave everything in the past. He never lets me forget what I had done, even though he did the same thing as I, and one of his women actually contacted me and caused so much drama. I was willing to leave everything behind and work on us. He cannot let it go. He was so upset, he choked me and kept hitting me in the head repeatedly. He has put his hands on me a handful of times in our 6 years together. The separation happened almost 2 years ago and he still cannot let it go. I understand that he may still be hurt, but I do not feel our marriage can work with so much resentment, tension, things coming up from the past and affecting our future, etc. He is also very negative. He hates life, hates his job, hates the people and the state we live in, he just drains everything out of me. I have asked him to spend more time with me, to cuddle, to talk, etc. and he does nothing. He claims to be “going through something”, but this happens all the time. He won’t communicate with be, I often go to be upset, just about every night. I sat him down last night and let him know that I do love him, but this is not going to work between us, we have grown in very different directions, and that I have put so much focus in him and our family that I have not focused on myself and he does not pay any attention to me so I must care for me emotionally. He is just very selfish and I am the complete opposite. I want to save, he wants to shop, I want to talk our issues out and make up and he wants to make excuses and yell, I say black and he says blue. We are just no longer a team or on the same page. I can’t even cover everything that we have gone through; it will take me all year! Is there anyone going through something similar, wanting to walk away but can’t, or that definitely is? At this point I feel that divorce is the best option for us, but I am slightly confused. Edited July 10, 2012 by brandi_mama
Tallblueyed Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 ...I have not focused on myself and he does not pay any attention to me so I must care for me emotionally. Is there anyone going through something similar, wanting to walk away but can’t, or that definitely is? At this point I feel that divorce is the best option for us, but I am slightly confused. You are responsible for your own emotional well being. I have lost myself after being cheated on and have very low self esteem. And I no longer blame her; it was MY fault for staying in a situation that was eating me away. Save yourself now, it is never too late to stand up and save yourself. He has a laundry list of issues, but they are *HIS* issues. You have your own issues that need your undivided attention. You cannot turn to him and expect ANY (positive) results, it is self mutilation to do so. He has done some very bad things, it is not going to get better. To put it bluntly, I had a hard time making this decision based on just infidelity - you have a list that should remove any doubt about leaving. Get out and save yourself. On a different note, he is a guest in this country, and he doesn't sound worthy of being here. FYI, I am an immigrant too, and breaking the law is not an option for me. Good luck, keep reading and posting
Author brandi_mama Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 You are responsible for your own emotional well being. I have lost myself after being cheated on and have very low self esteem. And I no longer blame her; it was MY fault for staying in a situation that was eating me away. Save yourself now, it is never too late to stand up and save yourself. He has a laundry list of issues, but they are *HIS* issues. You have your own issues that need your undivided attention. You cannot turn to him and expect ANY (positive) results, it is self mutilation to do so. He has done some very bad things, it is not going to get better. To put it bluntly, I had a hard time making this decision based on just infidelity - you have a list that should remove any doubt about leaving. Get out and save yourself. On a different note, he is a guest in this country, and he doesn't sound worthy of being here. FYI, I am an immigrant too, and breaking the law is not an option for me. Good luck, keep reading and posting I think you are right about nothing changing and I have given 6 years of my life and love waiting for things to get better. I am responsible for my own happiness and joy so I'm no longer going to allow him to steal that away from me any longer. I have told him that he has a lot of issues to deal with and clearly I can not help him so he needs to deal with those issues at hand then come talk to me like a civilized. Thank you for your response, advice, this site is really helped me. P.S. I completely agree with you about him being a guest in this country. I won't even say the other things he has done. He thinks he's invincible and above the law, he's very ignorant in that way.
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