CarlieQ Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Alright so I'm in a pretty devastating situation right now. I've been dating this guy for about 5 months now, we've gotten pretty serious, met each other's families, gone on vacation together, and even have future vacations planned. When I met him, we started out at friends, but I was really attracted to him, and I made the first move. He told me the reason he hadn't made a move was because he was still getting over his ex, who he dated for 3 years. I tried my hardest to take it slow and not pressure him, but we have progressed into being what we are now. I basically live at his place (he lives alone) because I have horrendous roommates, and he says he loves coming home to me and our dogs. The thing that always bothered me was he never really initiated any sexual things, I always had to be the one to start it. I thought that was weird for any kind of guy, and it honestly made me a bit self-conscious like he wasn't attracted to me. So I let that build up, along with me kind of giving more than he was. It got to a point last night where I just started crying and couldn't control it. Now, I told him I love him about a month ago, but made sure he knew that it was okay if he wasn't ready to reciprocate, I just really wanted him to know how I felt. Last night he said he was glad I told him, but he feels bad because he knows he isn't giving everything he can, that he can be a better boyfriend, and it's not fair to me. I told him I'd rather him not say I love you just to say it because if/when he does say it, it'll mean everything. He then basically told me that I'm beautiful, that he's attracted to me, but he wishes he was more into me and he's not sure if he'll ever love me. At this point I pretty much broke down, and so did he because he saw how bad he hurt me. I asked him if he still loved his ex, and he said he doesn't know. We cried a lot, and I thought he was going to break up with me because he kept saying it's not fair to me, that I deserve better and of course I'm thinking I don't want better, I want YOU! So he left for his friends, came back an hour later and we fell asleep. This morning I woke up, realized it wasn't a bad dream, and woke up with me crying again next to him. He told me that I make him happy and he wants me in his life. I told him that if he's in my life, he needs to step up. I then asked him if he's ever faked anything with me, he said no and that's why he's feeling he's lagging in our relationship. This is a good/bad thing because I'd rather him be honest, but it still hurts that he's not as invested as me. I told him I hope he's wrong, that he's just scared and still healing, and he said possibly, it's likely. I feel like he was being genuine when he said this, but I'm a mess. I'm so in love with and he told me he doesn't know if he'll ever love me... advice please? 1
Algermas Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Force him to lie to you by being an emotional wreck but keep claiming you want him to be honest. 1
Author CarlieQ Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 wow thank you for that heartwarming advice. I really just want some opinions here. Do you think it's possible he can never love me or is he still scared and hurt from the previous relationship?
Algermas Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I think it's perfectly possible for him not to be head over heels in love after a mere 5 months and that your hysteria isn't helping. He'll either lie to keep you around ( and in a year you'll be back crying about how he never really loved you at all and why would he lie ). Or he'll run like a mother****er.
Author CarlieQ Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I agree completely. I know I'm guilty of falling hard and fast and I made sure he knew that it's a lot more important to me that he doesn't say i love you just to say it, I want him to mean it if he says it. It's that he said "I don't know if I'll ever love you" I felt that was a pretty big deal, because then I'll always feel this kind of emptiness, like I know he'll never reciprocate my feelings. I don't mind waiting for him to catch up to me emotinally, I don't care if he waits a year to figure out he loves me, but if he NEVER does, that's scary to me. I don't want there to be NO prospect of him returning love, that'll just hurt both of us tremendously.
january2011 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 It's possible that he will love you. But it's going to take some time. You need to decide if you're going to wait. If you're young, perhaps another six months to a year is not too long to wait. However, by then you will also be even more invested in him so it's likely to be much more devastating if his feelings don't change. He needs time to get over his ex. If he does that while being in a relationship with you, then you need to be patient with him, keep your emotions in check and not put pressure on him to feel what you want him to feel. This means accepting that when you say "I love you," he may not say it back to you. Importantly, he must be NC with his ex. Otherwise, any communication will delay his healing. If you cannot be patient, find yourself bringing this up on a regular basis and you feel a stab every time he doesn't respond to your "I love you" with one of his own, then it's going to eat away at your relationship. You'll likely become resentful, which will lead to arguments. He'll probably experience a lot of guilt and may withdraw into himself. You'll be at a standstill and the only way out is to break up. I suggest that you find other things to invest in, such as friends, family, hobbies, studies, work, so that you are not so heavily focused on your relationship with him. Making him your whole life can make the differences seem much bigger than they are.
veggirl Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 You need to move out, what do you mean "our" dogs? Have you two already adopted or bought pets together? I wouldn't be too bothered by him not returning the ILY at 5 mos but the fact that he says he doesn't know if he ever will is a huge red flag. He is not over his ex and is NOT capable of fulfilling your needs in this R right now. How long was he broken up from his ex before he started dating you and you moved in? 1
Author CarlieQ Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 thanks yall for the advice I've only told him ILY once, which was when i said it, didn't want to say it all the time to make him feel uncomfortable. We each had a dog going into the relationship, didn't adopt together. So thanks, I feel a lot better and we've talked a lot more today. He said he's glad we discussed us and he feels a lot closer to me now, so my faith has kind of been restored. We were still in the scared to discuss too serious stuff state and we've really reached a new level so thank you everyone.
Leigh 87 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I would ask him about his sexual style. I would ask him about him not initiating. Tell him you wonder if it is just his 'style" or if he is initiating less than he did with other girls. My boyfriend was not a big kisser, and did not initiate heavy kissing and did not initiate oral - he had never really gone down on girls. So, I have since asked him about it. He explained that with his ex, who he was very much into, he was not any more of a kisser; it is just HIM. When he is with a girl for an extended period, he does not french kiss them all the time. He also explained that oral was not his thing, but after time, the more he fell in love with me, the more he got into it with me. It just was not something her dived in and did with ANY girl. So, I would really ask him to have an honest discussion about things. Personally, I would not stay with a guy, if he was not sure about his love for his EX.... A huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge red flag!!!! My boyfriend and I said we loved each other at about 6 months. He also had an Ex, but he is 100% certain he is not still in love with her; but he DID still have feelings for her when we got together. Not strong feelings, they had lost contact - but you know, I was the FIRST girl after his ex! Just breaking up with him is not what you want to do - but I would seriously have think about it. Not right away! Just take some time to get familiar with the idea, process it, and try to work towards inacting it... The break up. .... I would take time apart, living at your own flat, and let him have a chance to miss you, like another poster said. If the feelings are too strong at this stage to leave him, let me ask you; HOW can you feel safe and happy, with a man who is not as invested in you? It does not sound healthy to me. The benifits of staying together, are: your both quiet happy and love being together. The negatives on breaking up are: you would both be upset, and you would be heart broken. The thing is, it is never healthy or truly worthwhile, if your with a partner who is not as into you, as you are to them.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think you're essentially forcing him into a relationship, even though he was as much of a fool and let it progress to this level. Fact of the matter is though you caught him at an emotionally vulnerable time, a time he was getting over past emotions (and still is) a time where he was emotionally unavailable and just needed someone to talk to and some companionship....however you went ahead and took it to the next level and he obliged because at that point he probably trusted you and figured what the hell, he's single. Unfortunately he made a mistake that a lot of guys make that just ride the train for a while, he let you become ingrained in his life and dig yourself in like a tick, now he's realizing that this isn't really how he feels and the fact that he doesn't initiate sex all the more shows his emotional disconnect or high unattraction to you...take your pick or ask him. Now he's telling you he doesn't "think" he can love you....or freaking kidding me? are women so used to hearing this BS that they actually believe that this man after five months can someone develop those romantic feelings? oh boy...the world is in a worse state than I thought. He's basically telling you in man-speak that he's never had strong emotions for you and he's never had the romantic or emotional capacity to say he loves you and If he said not only would he be lying to himself but he'd be lying to you....however now that you've pressed the issue and like most men eventually buckle under pressure he'll probably find some way to tell you because he'll look at it as well "i love her" but kinda like a friend but I'll tell her that anyway as they both sound the same....where it's coming from though will never be from his heart of hearts...his true deeper romantic emotion that he wouldn't have been able to control and resist over five months...c'mon you really think this guy wouldn't love you and say it for real If he was feeling something at that level? who do you think actually does that? or how many people do you know more often use that as an excuse? You're fooling yourself here, but you're the one that put yourself in this situation in the first place...he had his part in it as well, trust me I realize this but IF he was smarter and stronger he would have pushed you away from the beginning but clearly he went for the easy road by being with you because he very well knows he wasn't ready and you wouldn't have very likely been the person he would have pursued a relationship with had he been interested in that...don't you think that you were friends in the first place for a reason? don't you think that men select certain women as such? It's because they feel more secure in the fact that they can protect themselves emotionally, you're an emotional low risk! If you were someone he would have feared he would fall in love with, he would have either.. A) had some balls and not taken the risk as he wouldn't have wanted to spoil it, and knew it'd be too much to handle emotionally B) Fallen for you anyway and "so much for that last relationship"...sure he'd have issues and it would create problems in the relationship but he'd at least be willing to try because he had no choice emotionally...then he'd probably have to cut you off in the end anyway but still it's a big difference! I HATE when women do this to men...because it's emotional blackmail... - well don't you feel something when we're together! - look we have a dog together, how can you leave that! - omg we're so close now, why five months later..omgod you can't leave you'll change - Just give this a "chance" because I'm a psycho and want your emotions to change to love me the same so I'll swing by your nuts until you love me back the same - If you leave now everything wasn't real, how can you do this to me! why would you do this to me! even though once again I'm a pscyho and had an agenda this entire time and tricked you into eating the meal then slapping you the bill that...oh, don't think I forgot. This is the kind of ***** that I hate to see women do...why? because women hope a damn miracle will happen with every man they're into and then they wonder why they get burned in the end? I mean really? you don't see how digging yourself in like a tick into a man won't compel him emotionally to love you? what kind of sick twisted ***** do women learn to play such games with love? what disney movie taught you that? what "chick" flick told you that you could fck your way into a mans heart? love him enough or smother him enough and become an important part of his life so that he has no choice? I mean really, that's what true love is all about here? Oh but no, true love is a fantasy now and this is how it really works then right? People are out of their minds man...yet they wonder why they go through this kind of BS. Or maybe they don't wonder, they know they're crazy and just accept it. I hope for your sake he just mans up and dumps you, and doesn't draw this process long and strung out until he gets to a point where he starts manipulating himself that this is what love is, because he's forgotten. The guy doesn't sound like a horrible guy, in fact a lot of guys aren't..they just get put in fked up situations like this with women....made to feel like jerks and @ssholes because they're not smart enough to see this was all part of the master plan of the woman...she had her own agenda, her own manipulation was in place to seal a relationship with said man when he just thought it was all out of innocence and went with the flow...I hope he has the clarity to see that this is what a lot of women do to men and It's not their responsibility to get into a relationship that he never really planned to and learns not to make that same mistake again. In fact print this out, let him read it...he needs the lesson. Let him tell you straight faced that this isn't true, he doesn't love you or feel that he can, I guarantee it. That romantic love doesn't just come out of thin air, not the kind of love you are looking for...that generic bonding love where you care for someone because you've spent time (whether forced from one end or not) together and have a history is a dime-a-dozen, look around you. 1
Quiet Storm Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 he kept saying it's not fair to me, that I deserve better and of course I'm thinking I don't want better, I want YOU! When a man says you deserve better, listen to him. "You deserve better" doesn't mean he's going to try and be a better man for you. It means, "Yeah, I know I'm treating you crappy, but I won't put in more effort. This is all you're gonna get outta me!" He may never love you? You have shown this man what you have to offer as a lover, as a companion and a partner. He would know by now if he loved you and wanted a life with you. Don't take this personally though, because there are men out there that would appreciate you. However, you aren't going to find a more compatible man while you're waiting for this guy to have an epiphany. Barring any medical issues, he should be aroused by you and seeking sex from you. After 21 years, my husband still wants me, still loves to touch me all over, and gets turned on just by watching me getting dressed for work! After only 5 months, he should be all over you, IMO. He is telling you what you need to know, but he's too cowardly to make the break. You're going to have to be the one to pull the plug, as this could drag on for years. You know where he stands. If you remain in this relationship, you are volunteering yourself for heartbreak. You can't blame this on him and ask "how could he do this to me?". You need to take responsibility, look at the facts, and let go of the hope. Instead of rationalizing or pushing it out of your head, repeat his words over and over "he wishes he was more into me and may never love me". That is your reality. You deserve better. 4
BetheButterfly Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) wow thank you for that heartwarming advice. I really just want some opinions here. Do you think it's possible he can never love me or is he still scared and hurt from the previous relationship? Carlie it's a hard situation you are in. Noone can make another person love them. It is good you are honest with him and he is being honest with you. I have no idea if he can ever love you. I do think he might be still hurting over his relationship. People, both men and women, can become emotionally attached to a person and have a hard time when that is severed. Do you have the ability to move to family or a friend's house? If so, I think it'd be good for you and your dogs to move and for you to grow in self control, dedicating yourself to studies or work and art/whatever interests you, MINUS A RELATIONSHIP. Let him heal. You heal. See if there is a future. Don't push it. If it's meant to be, I do believe it will happen. Just be patient and if it's not meant to be, let him go and remember the quote of ArtCritic's signature, which really helped me when going through a similar situation: ~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~ Memorize the above. Tape it to your mirror. Be positive. Whether this guy heals and comes to you, or another man does, LOVE IS WORTH THE WAIT!!! Edited July 11, 2012 by BetheButterfly 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 When a man says you deserve better, listen to him. "You deserve better" doesn't mean he's going to try and be a better man for you. It means, "Yeah, I know I'm treating you crappy, but I won't put in more effort. This is all you're gonna get outta me!" He may never love you? You have shown this man what you have to offer as a lover, as a companion and a partner. He would know by now if he loved you and wanted a life with you. Don't take this personally though, because there are men out there that would appreciate you. However, you aren't going to find a more compatible man while you're waiting for this guy to have an epiphany. Barring any medical issues, he should be aroused by you and seeking sex from you. After 21 years, my husband still wants me, still loves to touch me all over, and gets turned on just by watching me getting dressed for work! After only 5 months, he should be all over you, IMO. He is telling you what you need to know, but he's too cowardly to make the break. You're going to have to be the one to pull the plug, as this could drag on for years. You know where he stands. If you remain in this relationship, you are volunteering yourself for heartbreak. You can't blame this on him and ask "how could he do this to me?". You need to take responsibility, look at the facts, and let go of the hope. Instead of rationalizing or pushing it out of your head, repeat his words over and over "he wishes he was more into me and may never love me". That is your reality. You deserve better. Agreed. Yeah,Carlie, DO NOT STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP LIKE HOW IT IS. You need to get out. It would be wonderful if he heals and then truly does love you, but there is no guarantee. It most definitely would be missing out if you spend time with a person who doesn't love you and doesn't know if he can. Please don't do that to yourself. Please leave. If he heals and then truly loves you later on (and that is much more than just saying the words... true love = action) then that would be awesome, but it is possible that might not happen. You need to be positive, but that doesn't mean trying to will another person to love you. You need to place the positive thinking into the understanding that a person who loves you does indeed exist and you two will find each other someday. Be ready. Don't get caught in the web of despair.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Personally, I would exit this situation... If you are 1000% sure that he is the one and you couldn't possibly love anyone else then stay, be patient but expect lots of anxiety and disappointment...
zengirl Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 When a man says you deserve better, listen to him. "You deserve better" doesn't mean he's going to try and be a better man for you. It means, "Yeah, I know I'm treating you crappy, but I won't put in more effort. This is all you're gonna get outta me!" This deserves repeating. All I can do is echo the wise words that this R isn't going to turn around. He is not ready for a real R, you will not get it out of him, and he will probably never love you. All you can do is try to find the best exit strategy possible and be careful of getting attached so quickly next time. This man is not emotionally available. This man is not a good boyfriend. This man is rebounding. You do deserve better, and you should listen to him and the feelings of dissonance you have - this situation is not making you happy. 1
Negative Nancy Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 When a man says you deserve better, listen to him. "You deserve better" doesn't mean he's going to try and be a better man for you. It means, "Yeah, I know I'm treating you crappy, but I won't put in more effort. This is all you're gonna get outta me!" He may never love you? You have shown this man what you have to offer as a lover, as a companion and a partner. He would know by now if he loved you and wanted a life with you. Don't take this personally though, because there are men out there that would appreciate you. However, you aren't going to find a more compatible man while you're waiting for this guy to have an epiphany. Barring any medical issues, he should be aroused by you and seeking sex from you. After 21 years, my husband still wants me, still loves to touch me all over, and gets turned on just by watching me getting dressed for work! After only 5 months, he should be all over you, IMO. He is telling you what you need to know, but he's too cowardly to make the break. You're going to have to be the one to pull the plug, as this could drag on for years. You know where he stands. If you remain in this relationship, you are volunteering yourself for heartbreak. You can't blame this on him and ask "how could he do this to me?". You need to take responsibility, look at the facts, and let go of the hope. Instead of rationalizing or pushing it out of your head, repeat his words over and over "he wishes he was more into me and may never love me". That is your reality. You deserve better. I completely agree. Men who are not over their exes are a pain in the ass to deal with and not worth it in the end, because during the relationship there's always a third person present, and when the relationship ends (and it will end if the ex is still so omnipresent or if there are unresolved issues) he will be running straight back to her. I even bet that if she wanted him back now, he would dump you in a heartbeat, that is just how these type of men are. Never trust a man an inch, and don't trust this man in particular even just 1 millimeter.
Imajerk17 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) wow thank you for that heartwarming advice. I really just want some opinions here. Do you think it's possible he can never love me or is he still scared and hurt from the previous relationship? As much as you might be offended by his post, I agree with Algermas on this. You sound like the heavy here. You were the one who pursued and rushed him (although in all fairness he went along with it too), you were the one who said ILY first after only 4 months (you've been dating for 5 months and you said ILY a month ago), and now you're an emotional wreck and showing it. He might be feeling trapped by you. Even more so because he might not be over his ex. Anyway, all that clingy behavior on your end definitely isn't making him crave you, nor will it ever. I'd have a hard time imagining myself ever loving a woman who acted that way too. Your best bet is to pull back a bit. That actually just might get him to chase you. It's happened a lot before. Edited July 11, 2012 by Imajerk17
Imajerk17 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Run. .. .. .. That's right. It's always the guy's fault. He is always the one emitting the red flags. Always!
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