JayLove8 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 After reading and reading through this site I just cant keep back and thought I could need some of your excellent help... It all started 2 years ago. I was a senior in college and she was a sophomore. I knew her from before but never really liked her nor was I attracted to her. But we slowly became friends toward the end and everybody really noticed that she had a big big crush on me. I never wanted to be with her in that way so I kept on pushing her away. She never gave up, held up contact everyday even when I was the biggest ******* to her. So after finishing college and having a job, I decided to give this love a try so 6 months later we became a couple. She was so in love with me.. But I had the strong feeling I did not love her more than just as a friend because I did not feel the butterflies or something I had experienced when I had a crush on people. She was the best girlfriend but as most couples do, we argued a lot. I was really overreacting, once leaving her standing at the mall and walking to the exit until i realized what I had done. She was too, once leaving my home because I said something she did not like. Except for things like that, we really had fun.. But as the time passed, we argued more and more. I had plans of leaving my city in Texas to move to the east coast and continue school there. She,too, wanted to leave for a tour trough Asia after college. She never really thought I would leave so after losing my job we really had a couple bad arguments because I stayed without a job for more than a year. I was really trying to figure out what to do with my life, but I never admitted to her that I want to leave for a fact. She, of course, became more and more frustrated with my ways. She always said that none of her friends really liked me and always started fussing about the fact that I was just doing nothing in her eyes. Our fights were not really worse than most other couples, but since were both overreacting people, we always said "now were breaking up" after each fight. Another thing was that she wanted to see me everyday but I just wasnt that person. I told her that we needed some days of distance so that we dont sit on each other and get bored. Because I really thought spending all day together for more than year would lead to these fights. After our last fight we broke up and would not reconcile for good. Still, we were seeing each other everyday and doing the usual boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Then I had to go to the east coast college where I had applied in May, but did not really tell her why. I told my friends though, and she got it through them. She was like "Are you really leaving?" like she never believed me. I said yes, but I would of course come back before leaving for good. So one day, she came home to me and confessed that she had a kiss by another boy at the club. I was really angry at her for doing it, but at the same time, felt almost nothing. I was really glad she did so I could leave without regretting leaving a precious girl. She felt extremely guilty and I forgave her. But when I was at the college, I just became extremely angry. She was in the midst of her exams and I just wrote that I hate her and never wanna talk to her again. She was like " What happened to you, youre not the same person" and " I hate you now". After that, I felt really good. I thought I wasnt loving her anymore. Little did I know... So little time after I came back, it was my bday. And guess what. She did not call. I was extremely disappointed and this just made me mad. How could someone who loved you so bad just dont call you on your birthday? I know it was my own mistake but I just couldnt handle it. So I took everything she ever gave to me, damaged it and threw it in front of her home. I was just so desperate. I did not know what I do. I just wanted her to feel how hurt I was. Days later I realized how bad I behaved and texted her. I told her how sorry I was, that I couldnt handle what I did and I had to see her. She responed, told me it was good I apologized, but never wanted to see me again. I couldnt cope with that. I wrote her several times after that and called her telling her how bad I felt about everything Ive done bad in this relationship. How I couldnt stand the fact to never see her again. She just told me to stop calling her and that she was just moving on. That just broke something inside of me.. So after a while I thought about giving it another shot. I called her again and told her everything with a clearer mind. She again did not want to see me. She told me she doesnt miss me at all and it was over to her. This time I accepted it and felt really good after we had a long and clearing discussion. She just said, that I should never call her again or write her. I said ok and that was it. So days later, I was at the mall. And she was passing by. Her face lit up and she smiled. We just said hello and I went on. At night, she wrote that my behavior was childish and why I did not stand for a little chat. I told her that SHE TOLD ME to not ever see her again and that its ridiculous for her to say that. After some weeks, she fulfilled her dream of touring Asia. The last thing she wrote to me a week before was when I would be leaving. I told her but did not receive an answer. She just left without saying goodbye. It made me so mad. It made me feel so sad. So I wrote her the most loving text, saying I love her and miss her. That I cant cope with the fact that she is not here and anything. I know this was a mistake, but I guessed because I would never see her again, I should let her know how I feel. She just answered "thats the way it is"... Since then I have decided to make NC. But I just cant go on anymore. I dont know whats wrong with me. Why do I suddenly love her so bad. I never thought of being with her in the first place, and I never really felt that "Im in love" feeling. When we broke up in the past for "one half day" she always told me she couldnt handle the fact that were not there for each other, even as friends. But know she did not even want to talk to me when I was here. It makes me crazy. Sorry for the long post. I just had to let go. I hope you guys can tell me whats going on...
Philosoraptor Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 You sound truly confused and it seems like this bridge is burned. When you had her you didn't want her and when she was gone she was what you craved. Maybe through all of this you did learn how to really love, but by that point it was too late. Neither of you played very well during the relationship but she seemed to wise up a bit before you did. Learn from everything that happened and don't let the same thing happen with anyone else. For now just work on healing and let life happen. If you're patient with yourself you'll find that love will come around again. 1
Author JayLove8 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 thanks for the answer.. I just wonder.. How can someone who loves you so much just forget you? I dont get it.. I mean I was everything to her. She became everything to me. And at the end, she doesnt even wanna see me but at the same time gets angry when I dont talk to her when we do see each other randomly. I just dont get it.. I know that we will never be together again, but it just hurts so bad. It hurts that she doesnt wanna talk to me. That I write her all my feelings and dont even get a proper answer back.. How could this all just happen...
Philosoraptor Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 When you get burned enough the walls come up. You disassociate yourself from the pain and dehumanize what was causing you the pain. It's a mental defense and not abnormal at all. She was hurt and wants nothing to do with what she sees at the cause of her pain. You wouldn't touch a hot oven twice would you? 2
Author JayLove8 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 you might be right... it's just hard to think youre not loved by your ex anymore. i mean you dont expect to reconcile again, the relationship would not have worked out anyway due to the distance.. but theres always the hope they miss you
flitzanu Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 if people didn't do this every single day, this forum would not be needed it's pretty typical for people to entirely shut off their feelings toward the other person. you can't really question "why", because there's no logical answer other than what raptor said. someone gets hurt enough, they shut you out. doesn't always make sense, but neither do people, so therefore...makes sense.
blotter Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 it's just hard to think youre not loved by your ex anymore. i mean you dont expect to reconcile again, the relationship would not have worked out anyway due to the distance.. but theres always the hope they miss you That's just your inflated ego.
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