So I saw my ex for the first time in 2 years...

[kaylan]

So earlier tonight while I was in the gym I saw my ex. Its the first time Ive seen her face in over 2 and a half years. Skip to the last 2 paragraphs if youre lazy.

 

At first I felt weird and kinda shocked...I was in the free weight area and noticed her on the elliptical and immediately jumped up to go tell my friend. I kind of just laughed about it at first and let him know how neither of us were going to say a damn thing to each other. I know she saw me because she tried her damnedest not to turn her head as she worked out...but I can tell she was making corner eye glances at me. Im hard not to spot as I stand out with my hair and skin tone where I live lol

 

Anyways, after my initial feelings of goofiness, I started thinking rapidly about different things. At first I reminisced about the good times, and felt a flood of feelings from the my old love for her. Then I remembered the pain she caused me and disliked that a lot. Then I thought about how shes still as cute as I remember. Then I thought about how her body isnt as hot as I used to think. Then I thought that I could totally get better women than her personality wise and physically. Then I thought about maybe just saying hi and catching up. Then I finally calm down and really squared things away with how I felt about seeing her.....I really didnt like it.

 

When we broke up for good I cut her out of my life completely. I threw out everything that reminded me of her, I deleted all ways in which we could contact one another, and I also closed the door on my friendships with people I met through her. I let her keep the friends like it was a divorce lol. I usually do that when things end badly with a girl. I just dont need reminders and I wanna move on with my life. They were her friends first anyways. I couldnt deal with possibly being near her at all.

 

And then I thought "how dare you exist in MY gym, in MY town, in MY life in any way?" I became angry because it through a wrench in my plan of erasing someone from my brain and my life. It was easier to do with my first serious girlfriend because I ended up moving away from NYC for college, and ending up staying in the suburbs after. But with my second ex (the main topic here), I almost did that as well. We broke up right as I transferred out of my community college to go to university 45 minutes further north. So I didnt have to ever worry about running into her until after graduation.

 

Sure we didnt make direct eye contact, nor did we speak to one another....but just seeing someone you had such deep love for, who also caused you great pain, really makes you reflect on things. I just dont like ever having to think about what happened with her because it stings the heart. I just really dont look forward to having to run into her at the gym. I just like people being erased when I erase them. And if youre wondering why this girl is so significant in the guy I am, know that Ive always felt shes the only girl Ive ever truly, completely loved. I learned a lot about what love is and isnt from her.

 

And even with that said, I thought to myself "I miss you...and I love the person you were, but I hate the person you became when you hurt me". My mind and heart still think love and hate about her...which is lame because I didnt need those emotions dug up. I was thinking about how kissing her again would make me feel that old love all over again, but at the same time how being near her would fill me with disgust for her. Lol emotions are weird like that.

 

All in all, there was plenty good in this. I remember when I thought I saw her a year and a half ago while I was in the mall working....and my heart leaped into my throat as I was about to make a dash to the back of the store. It wasnt her that time....but this time it was her...and I didnt feel the urge to run away from her seeing me or me seeing her. And I didnt tell myself how I was not ready to date anyone else because of the pain I went through with her.

 

Tonight I thought about how in love with her I was...and how capable I am of great love. I thought about the mistakes I made, the hurt I caused her, as well as the hurt she caused me. I thought about how such dumb kids we were...and I told myself that I think Im ready for the next girl. And that the next time around I will know how to love someone...and I will know how they are supposed to love me. I wont put up with any womens crap, and I wont give any crap myself.

 

I just feel like I grew a little bit in an hour or so at the gym. But emotionally rather than physically.

Edited July 10, 2012 by kaylan

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you went through a good deal of emotions but came to terms with things. Many times we don't know how far we've progressed until actually put to the test. Glad it all worked out for you.

[louise_23]

i read something a while ago about survival instincts in modern times. something like that.

 

anyway it basically said crazy feelings are normal in these situations because your mind knows and recognises what hurt you when it sees it, and you get weird feelings because your 'survival instinct' if you like is alerting you to danger.

 

its a bit annoying you cant just blank her and be fine but i have this problem too. but its really obvious. i get so much adrenaline i start shaking and feeling a bit spaced out. my mind doesnt care but somewhere subconsciously it freaks out when i see someone from my past!

 

it sounds like you handled the situation well anyway.

 

and like you say youve got to remember the last person she was, not the first person she presented herself as to you.

[irin]

maybe you really didnt deal the break-up at the time, instead just ignored all the emotions and tried to forget about it

[kaylan]

^I didnt deal with the break up when it first happened. I didnt deal with it well for like a year. I finally called her a year ago and we talked and I got some closure. I think thats a big part of why I handled seeing her alright.

 

I still wish shed vanish for my mind and life completely though =/ lol